Wedding culture - vent

[Anonymous]

A dear friend of mine spent seven figures on her wedding--and divorced within a year. It was a hell of a party, though!

Personally, I think the bride and groom should cover most of the wedding weekend expenses for their bridal party. We paid for our bridesmaids' dresses and salon appointments, groomsmen's jackets and ties, and the bridal party's hotel rooms for the weekend. They were kind enough to stand up with us and support us and wear what we'd chosen for them to wear; we should buy it.

[Anonymous]

Eh, you can be low key. I told my bridesmaids to wear a black dress to my wedding, didn’t specify shoes or anything else. My mother in law kindly offered to pay to get everyone’s hair done otherwise they (and I) would have just done whatever they wanted with it. My bachelorette party consisted of us going to a couple of places in Georgetown to hang out and catch up and everyone paid their own tab, myself included. I didn’t care if someone only wanted to get one beer or nothing at all.

I mean they, like anyone else, had to get to the wedding if they were out of town but that was about it and couldn’t be helped. You can do it low key if you want.

[Anonymous]

This is so stupid. Get married in your church and have a small reception the next day. Put the saved money to some useful purpose

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weddings are out of control. I'm of South Asian origin, have 3 weddings to attend this summer. Its going to be expensive.

Families are also spending a lot. South Asian ones are splitting the expenses but one is marrying a white woman and her family isn't contributing so he and his family are paying for everything. His wife started her first job last year after grad school and has huge student debt so can't contribute.

Why do you know so much about these couple/family's finances? You sound like a gossip.

I'm friends with them and helping them finding venues and vendors so quite closely involved.

[Anonymous]

It’s for the bachelorette party. Dress will be over $500 all in at least with alterations, with everyone wearing the same dress. We’re all being asked to stay at the same hotel for the weekend too costing over $400

[Anonymous]

This drove me nuts when I was in my 20s and early 30s -- the presumption that you just had a couple grand lying around for every friend's wedding (bridesmaids dress, travel and accommodations, wedding gift, bachelorette activities -- easily added up to 2k per wedding). I started turning down invites to be a bridesmaid for this reason, and even skipped several destinations weddings altogether, especially when scheduled at really difficult times. I also had three siblings get married during this time and while I didn't have to pay for as much of that myself (still bought my own attire selected by them and wedding gifts, but my parents paid for my travel and accommodations). I was in grad school and then just starting out. I felt like weddings ate up all my leave and energy and I didn't have time for myself, so I started saying no. It did actually kill a few friendships.

When I got married, we did a small ceremony and reception at a restaurant near our house. No wedding party. We hosted our own bachelor/bachelorette parties on consecutive weekends at our apartment, and put up any friends who travelled in from out of town at our place (yes it was cozy, people slept on the floor, it's fine, we were young). I have zero regrets. I'm not sure where these expectations for these very elaborate and expensive wedding plans come from -- celebrities? It feels soulless to me.

One thing we splurged on was our wedding photos, and we wound up with such wonderful, intimate photos of a great party with just family and our closest friends. When we sent out thank you notes, we included copies of some of the photos of guests. Over the years we've seen those photos in other people's homes and it brings me such joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s for the bachelorette party. Dress will be over $500 all in at least with alterations, with everyone wearing the same dress. We’re all being asked to stay at the same hotel for the weekend too costing over $400

Yeah, no! I don't want to spend time with a random collection of girls, in an expensive hotel, in a random place that I don't want to experience, wearing clothes that I don't care for and that I have to pay for.

$900 is enough for me to plan a lovely mini-vacation or a couple day trips with relaxing spa and lovely food with my own sweetheart.

[Anonymous]

OP can say no. Good friends will understand.

Also, people should elope more often. Modern weddings are dumb.

[Anonymous]

The wedding party should be the family. My daughter was walked down the aisle by all of our bride-side relatives by blood and marriage or all generations - old, young, men, women, children and her best friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This drove me nuts when I was in my 20s and early 30s -- the presumption that you just had a couple grand lying around for every friend's wedding (bridesmaids dress, travel and accommodations, wedding gift, bachelorette activities -- easily added up to 2k per wedding). I started turning down invites to be a bridesmaid for this reason, and even skipped several destinations weddings altogether, especially when scheduled at really difficult times. I also had three siblings get married during this time and while I didn't have to pay for as much of that myself (still bought my own attire selected by them and wedding gifts, but my parents paid for my travel and accommodations). I was in grad school and then just starting out. I felt like weddings ate up all my leave and energy and I didn't have time for myself, so I started saying no. It did actually kill a few friendships.

When I got married, we did a small ceremony and reception at a restaurant near our house. No wedding party. We hosted our own bachelor/bachelorette parties on consecutive weekends at our apartment, and put up any friends who travelled in from out of town at our place (yes it was cozy, people slept on the floor, it's fine, we were young). I have zero regrets. I'm not sure where these expectations for these very elaborate and expensive wedding plans come from -- celebrities? It feels soulless to me.

One thing we splurged on was our wedding photos, and we wound up with such wonderful, intimate photos of a great party with just family and our closest friends. When we sent out thank you notes, we included copies of some of the photos of guests. Over the years we've seen those photos in other people's homes and it brings me such joy.

We also just invited family and close friends. We just have a much bigger family. Between DH and I, we had 40 aunts and uncles and 52 cousins. And these were people we knew well. DH grew up near his cousins, saw them every week, and went to school with them. My extended family lived further away, but we would see them 1-2 times a month my entire childhood.
We talked about having a smaller wedding, but we really couldn’t have done it without really upsetting some people. My dad was a lawyer with a solo practice at that time and felt he needed to invite his most important clients (also people I had known since I was a little girl). We ended up having about 150 people.
My cousins who grew up with my mom’s cousins and all of our extended family and those friends ended up with close to 400 people at their wedding.

I don’t think anyone is inviting random strangers to their wedding. Some people just have a larger circle and more social obligations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s for the bachelorette party. Dress will be over $500 all in at least with alterations, with everyone wearing the same dress. We’re all being asked to stay at the same hotel for the weekend too costing over $400

Can’t you stay 4 to a room at the hotel?

This really doesn’t seem like a shocking amount to me. The dress is a little expensive, but asking you to buy the bridesmaid dress, have it altered, help fund a reasonable bachelorette party, and stay in the hotel everyone else is staying in is all pretty standard.


The last wedding I was in, my best friend from college, who is normally a very lovely person, wanted me to find a sitter for my 3 very small kids, while my husband was in a rehab facility following a serious injury, in order to spend the weekend in Miami for her bachelorette party.
The babysitter for the bachelorette party alone would have cost more than you are shelling out for the entire wedding. Not to mention flights, meals out, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s for the bachelorette party. Dress will be over $500 all in at least with alterations, with everyone wearing the same dress. We’re all being asked to stay at the same hotel for the weekend too costing over $400

Insane

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it was hurtful though to be the only bride in my friend group that was the last to marry and was totally respectful of their costs after I threw multiple showers bought whatever, traveled.

No one threw me a shower. Or anything in my bridal party after I had gone above and beyond for theirs (which they wanted)
Then I got cheap dresses and shoes of their choice and then they didn't do anything.

If it makes you feel better, I was the second in my friend group to get married in our 20s and nobody did any of that stuff for me either. We just straight up had no idea what we were doing, we were all new to this and nobody was a wedding pro. (The first friend was Southern and had two bridal showers thrown by older relatives/friends, no bachelorette, her kind and well off parents asked us broke new grad bridesmaids if we needed any help buying the $300 dresses.) I think I gave one friend an embarrassingly low amount of money for a wedding gift, my ceremony started late because nobody was assigned to tell the organist we were ready and start playing, my bridesmaid who I asked to make sure people were cued up for toasts at the reception forgot...stuff like that.

I'm sorry that you were hurt. That is a real thing. I just wanted to say what looks like "everyone's" experience isn't, you're not alone, and not everyone else got it right either.

[Anonymous]

I once got "fired" as a bridesmaid because I couldn't afford to drop 1k on the Bachelorette party. I was in grad school at the time. I was saving up for the $200 dress too. Thank goodness I didn't buy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I once got "fired" as a bridesmaid because I couldn't afford to drop 1k on the Bachelorette party. I was in grad school at the time. I was saving up for the $200 dress too. Thank goodness I didn't buy it.

Ha! I had a job as a hostess at a restaurant when I was in med school. A couple of my current med students do UberEats when they have time. Finding an extra couple of hundred dollars when you are living off student loans is tough!

$1,000 in a bachelorette party seems insane.