Wedding culture - vent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've always thought it was obscenely selfish to do the whole bridesmaid thing. If you love your friends...elope.

No. Have a wedding but without bridesmaids.

Or the bride's family pays for the bridesmaids dress, makeup, hair and room. And they skip the crazy bachelorette party and bridal shower. Or the bride's family pays for these parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is ridiculous. I got married in DC a few years ago, it was lovely and cost around $35K total. My bridesmaids had to purchase a $100 dress, pay for any alternations, and buy nude shoes (if they did not already have them). I had a suite at the hotel where we gathered the morning of and I paid for makeup, 3 of the 4 were local and stayed in their own homes during the wedding weekend. My bachelorette party was a one-night 'staycation' at an AirBnb, dinner and drinks out, and brunch the next day. It was so fun and IMO not excessive. Weddings have gotten so out of hand. I'm glad I have a smaller circle of friends and to date have only been asked to be in one wedding, which was low key due to it being during covid.

How is this different than the OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weddings are out of control. I'm of South Asian origin, have 3 weddings to attend this summer. Its going to be expensive.

Families are also spending a lot. South Asian ones are splitting the expenses but one is marrying a white woman and her family isn't contributing so he and his family are paying for everything. His wife started her first job last year after grad school and has huge student debt so can't contribute.

Why do you know so much about these couple/family's finances? You sound like a gossip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is ridiculous. I got married in DC a few years ago, it was lovely and cost around $35K total. My bridesmaids had to purchase a $100 dress, pay for any alternations, and buy nude shoes (if they did not already have them). I had a suite at the hotel where we gathered the morning of and I paid for makeup, 3 of the 4 were local and stayed in their own homes during the wedding weekend. My bachelorette party was a one-night 'staycation' at an AirBnb, dinner and drinks out, and brunch the next day. It was so fun and IMO not excessive. Weddings have gotten so out of hand. I'm glad I have a smaller circle of friends and to date have only been asked to be in one wedding, which was low key due to it being during covid.

How is this different than the OP?

+1. And I think this PP demonstrates one of the central problems: self-awareness. Most people think that because they didn't have a bachelorette weekend in Turks and Caicos and a black tie wedding at Oheka Castle that they weren't that bride.

But the reality is that many brides want a nice wedding, are performing a certain social and class-based script, and just don't realize it in the moment because wedding expectations have changed so much. I think that (the expectations) is largely a function of people getting married when they are older and have more money.

Looking back, I thought I was the reasonable bride, but I really wasn't. Because it was my wedding and I was excited and I was only comparing up and not down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is ridiculous. I got married in DC a few years ago, it was lovely and cost around $35K total. My bridesmaids had to purchase a $100 dress, pay for any alternations, and buy nude shoes (if they did not already have them). I had a suite at the hotel where we gathered the morning of and I paid for makeup, 3 of the 4 were local and stayed in their own homes during the wedding weekend. My bachelorette party was a one-night 'staycation' at an AirBnb, dinner and drinks out, and brunch the next day. It was so fun and IMO not excessive. Weddings have gotten so out of hand. I'm glad I have a smaller circle of friends and to date have only been asked to be in one wedding, which was low key due to it being during covid.

This sounds perfectly lovely!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a wedding in a few weeks and am shocked at how time consuming this has become. And how do people afford to be in multiple? The one I’m in soon I’ve already spend $500 on the dress and alterations and just got hit with another bill for a chef that’s $150 per person. Totally insane and this isn’t even in a HCOL area - whole wedding is in northeastern North Carolina.

Is this normal?

Recycle an old dress. This chef payment thing is odd but young people aren't loaded so no harm. If someone doesn't want to pay, they don't need to go.

You can't recycle a dress if you are in the wedding party. What is the chef for? I was just invited to a B party and declined. Don't forget shower and wedding gifts plus travel and hotel. Most weddings cost at least $2k to attend in IME.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weddings are out of control. I'm of South Asian origin, have 3 weddings to attend this summer. Its going to be expensive.

Families are also spending a lot. South Asian ones are splitting the expenses but one is marrying a white woman and her family isn't contributing so he and his family are paying for everything. His wife started her first job last year after grad school and has huge student debt so can't contribute.

That's crazy how you know so much about their finances.

[Anonymous]

Has anybody explained why a bridesmaid is paying for the chef?

[Anonymous]

Anytime I accepted being a bridesmaid I made my peace that it would cost me at least $1000 and several days of PTO. If you are asked and that gives you serious heartburn, then say no.

I was a bridesmaid 5 times. Maybe 2 of them were more reasonable and 3 were pretty expensive. Still good friends with all of them though, and it's been 15+ years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weddings are out of control. I'm of South Asian origin, have 3 weddings to attend this summer. Its going to be expensive.

Families are also spending a lot. South Asian ones are splitting the expenses but one is marrying a white woman and her family isn't contributing so he and his family are paying for everything. His wife started her first job last year after grad school and has huge student debt so can't contribute.

Her family probably doesn't need or want the big lavish wedding.

Oh sweetie, Indian weddings may LOOK like they are outrageously expensive, but they are not nearly as expensive as they look. At least not the normal people ones - we are not all Ambani rich. I am confident that the vast majority of boring white people weddings in barns cost far more than my and my friends "lavish" Indian weddings.

Irrelevant. This bride and her family clearly don’t want a big wedding. Why is the grooms family even involved?

I don't think it is a matter of wanting or not wanting a big wedding. It is that they are cheap. Or poor. Or dysfunctional. Or all of the above.

Why is the groom's family involved? Because groom does not come from a broke, poor and dysfunctional family. And groom is not an orphan.

Or maybe they just don't want a big wedding and thing it's a stupid expense? Because it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weddings are out of control. I'm of South Asian origin, have 3 weddings to attend this summer. Its going to be expensive.

Families are also spending a lot. South Asian ones are splitting the expenses but one is marrying a white woman and her family isn't contributing so he and his family are paying for everything. His wife started her first job last year after grad school and has huge student debt so can't contribute.

That's crazy how you know so much about their finances.

I hope the bride cuts off these annoying gossips as soon as she can. Hopefully she's going into the marriage with eyes wide open what kind of people will be prying into her life and talking about her in this way.

[Anonymous]

PLEASE EXPLAIN THE CHEF THING. Is it for a weekend? Bachelorette party? Does the bridal party pay a chef for the wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is ridiculous. I got married in DC a few years ago, it was lovely and cost around $35K total. My bridesmaids had to purchase a $100 dress, pay for any alternations, and buy nude shoes (if they did not already have them). I had a suite at the hotel where we gathered the morning of and I paid for makeup, 3 of the 4 were local and stayed in their own homes during the wedding weekend. My bachelorette party was a one-night 'staycation' at an AirBnb, dinner and drinks out, and brunch the next day. It was so fun and IMO not excessive. Weddings have gotten so out of hand. I'm glad I have a smaller circle of friends and to date have only been asked to be in one wedding, which was low key due to it being during covid.

How is this different than the OP?

+1. And I think this PP demonstrates one of the central problems: self-awareness. Most people think that because they didn't have a bachelorette weekend in Turks and Caicos and a black tie wedding at Oheka Castle that they weren't that bride.

But the reality is that many brides want a nice wedding, are performing a certain social and class-based script, and just don't realize it in the moment because wedding expectations have changed so much. I think that (the expectations) is largely a function of people getting married when they are older and have more money.

Looking back, I thought I was the reasonable bride, but I really wasn't. Because it was my wedding and I was excited and I was only comparing up and not down.

Yes! I agree with you that this is normal and people want to follow a certain script for their weddings, and every bride thinks she is being so cool and low key.

Saying that you *only* asked your bridesmaids to buy a $100 dress plus alterations, shoes, and an overnight bachelorette party that easily cost each person $300-400 is kind of crazy.

And I honestly don’t see how it’s much different than someone asking their bridesmaids to buy a $500 dress including shows and alterations and pay $150 for a bachelorette party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is ridiculous. I got married in DC a few years ago, it was lovely and cost around $35K total. My bridesmaids had to purchase a $100 dress, pay for any alternations, and buy nude shoes (if they did not already have them). I had a suite at the hotel where we gathered the morning of and I paid for makeup, 3 of the 4 were local and stayed in their own homes during the wedding weekend. My bachelorette party was a one-night 'staycation' at an AirBnb, dinner and drinks out, and brunch the next day. It was so fun and IMO not excessive. Weddings have gotten so out of hand. I'm glad I have a smaller circle of friends and to date have only been asked to be in one wedding, which was low key due to it being during covid.

How is this different than the OP?

+1. And I think this PP demonstrates one of the central problems: self-awareness. Most people think that because they didn't have a bachelorette weekend in Turks and Caicos and a black tie wedding at Oheka Castle that they weren't that bride.

But the reality is that many brides want a nice wedding, are performing a certain social and class-based script, and just don't realize it in the moment because wedding expectations have changed so much. I think that (the expectations) is largely a function of people getting married when they are older and have more money.

Looking back, I thought I was the reasonable bride, but I really wasn't. Because it was my wedding and I was excited and I was only comparing up and not down.

Yes! I agree with you that this is normal and people want to follow a certain script for their weddings, and every bride thinks she is being so cool and low key.

Saying that you *only* asked your bridesmaids to buy a $100 dress plus alterations, shoes, and an overnight bachelorette party that easily cost each person $300-400 is kind of crazy.

And I honestly don’t see how it’s much different than someone asking their bridesmaids to buy a $500 dress including shows and alterations and pay $150 for a bachelorette party.

It’s a little late to buck the trend if you sucked it up for your friends but now they won’t return the favor, if that’s the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PLEASE EXPLAIN THE CHEF THING. Is it for a weekend? Bachelorette party? Does the bridal party pay a chef for the wedding?

I'd assume it's for the bachelorette party. An experience.