Mean daughter, cut off phone.

[Anonymous]

Nice try troll.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. It’s heartbreaking. And all the people who are excusing her behavior are ones that just enable and coddle tha kind of thoitlessness and inconsideration in Thor own kids so they think it’s normal.

It may be developmentally normal to put some distance up with a parent who might die, out of fear of losing them. That in no way excuses a complete lack of decency like checking on a parent who is getting chemo.

Are you married? What I wonder is where the other parent was in terms of parenting your daughter when all of this happened. My son can be quite inconsiderate and so I model it for him…reminding him like, “Your dad’s birthday is in a few weeks. Start asking him what he might like to do on the day. Make sure you don’t make any other plans. Start paying attention for a gift he might like.” It doesn’t bc one naturally to him. So I try to scaffold it and teach him.

Your DH, if you have one, should have done that with all the kids throughout your illness. I’m sorry he dropped the ball.

It sounds like you spoiled your daughter, and you know it. That’s not entirely on you. I do know some kids whose parents were endlessly giving and they are quite good as young adults at expressing appreciation.

I do know young adults who went the other way, too. My stepdaughter was one of them. She was endlessly indulged by both her parents, who meant well for their own reasons. Her dad had been emotionally and physically neglected as a kid. Her mom grew up in poverty and was physically abused. They both wanted to spare her all the pain and stress of their childhoods…but in giving her everything and protecting her from every challenge, they crippled her emotionally and left her unable to cope with adulting and its inevitable challenges. Her mom kept giving and giving into adulthood, like the giving tree, until she literally had nothing left to give….she borrowed againstbeen her pension to keep giving after SD developed an addiction. Her dad and I (evil stepmother) eventually cut off all $$ except money for rehab. And ironically, we now have a good relationship and she has become much more giving herself and appreciative. But she still virulently looks down on her mom and resents her for not giving even more and for the financial
Wreckage she now has in retirement after giving away her financial security to her adult child.

If there’s any hope in that tale, it may be that the endless giving will never be enough, and that keeping a boundary and cutting off the endless supply can possibly make her appreciate the gifts she has been given…maybe. But I agree with others that removing her photos makes YOU seem like the unhinged one, not her. People have to be allowed the grace to be better people. That’s the least you could grant to a daughter. You can cut off her phone without emotionally cutting off her head.

You’ve been through hell. I hope you have a good therapist and wish you well.

[Anonymous]

OP here, Thank you for your kind words. Most people truly don't understand or have compassion in these situations.

I have read your response several times and I agree with everything you've said. You are spot on with each step. Truly thank you.☺️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No decent mother would take down photos without at least attempting to talk to your daughter. The phone choice was fine. But taking down the photos was not and was a toxic move.

Agree. This is an escalation. And not reasonable.

You need to talk to a therapist to process your feelings and learn how to deal with her (and your reactions). I will say that lots of college kids are just selfish without processing it that way. THey have a lot going on. Newfound freedoms. Etc. Was it rude not to come by? Maybe. But she prob didn't even think you'd care. That doesn't make it ok but maybe don't look at it in the worst possible light?

My DD is in college and she is def in a "self-centered" phase. But I try to just be here for what she needs and not criticize all.the.time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No decent mother would take down photos without at least attempting to talk to your daughter. The phone choice was fine. But taking down the photos was not and was a toxic move.

Agree. This is an escalation. And not reasonable.

You need to talk to a therapist to process your feelings and learn how to deal with her (and your reactions). I will say that lots of college kids are just selfish without processing it that way. THey have a lot going on. Newfound freedoms. Etc. Was it rude not to come by? Maybe. But she prob didn't even think you'd care. That doesn't make it ok but maybe don't look at it in the worst possible light?

My DD is in college and she is def in a "self-centered" phase. But I try to just be here for what she needs and not criticize all.the.time.

OP here. Thank you for your words but this is a different situation. My kid knew I was sick over several years, which broke our family financially, but she never had to want for anything as the money ran out. She knew how much everyone sacfificed in order for her to be there (in college) and was well supported with my savings, scholarships, and community resources. We are not wealthy people (her younger siblings and I), so this isnt a matter of me just having the money and choosing not to give. Seeing her pictures everyday was heartbreaking for me and her siblings, they felt abandonded and asked about her all the time, she never returned phone calls or anything from them either over many months. We aren't talking a quick shift, we are talking repeated disrespect, disregard, and cruelty over time.

I am at an empasse because I learned that she recently (in the last week) checked herself into a hospital for depression/suicide. I had no idea it was this serious until her roomates mom called me with very deep concerning behaviors her daughter had told her. the concerns were so bad that she requested to be moved to another room to be away from my daughter. I feel horrible for that mother as we are both struggling to pay for an 70K per year school, and she did not sign up for my kid to treat her daughter that way or be exposed to anything like that.

I dont know if its depression, drugs, suicide... i am empty right now.

I thought that she was just being horrible to us but I am learning that it has been to everyone.

This is all coming at the worst time because I am back in cancer treatment and now have to juggle two sets of hospital bills, patient navigation, the rumors and judgements from people as they learn about whats going on , I just feel like breaking down all the time. My daughter had everything and flushed it down the toilet. I am compassionate to the circumstances and it still feels horrible

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No decent mother would take down photos without at least attempting to talk to your daughter. The phone choice was fine. But taking down the photos was not and was a toxic move.

Agree. This is an escalation. And not reasonable.

You need to talk to a therapist to process your feelings and learn how to deal with her (and your reactions). I will say that lots of college kids are just selfish without processing it that way. THey have a lot going on. Newfound freedoms. Etc. Was it rude not to come by? Maybe. But she prob didn't even think you'd care. That doesn't make it ok but maybe don't look at it in the worst possible light?

My DD is in college and she is def in a "self-centered" phase. But I try to just be here for what she needs and not criticize all.the.time.

OP here. Thank you for your words but this is a different situation. My kid knew I was sick over several years, which broke our family financially, but she never had to want for anything as the money ran out. She knew how much everyone sacfificed in order for her to be there (in college) and was well supported with my savings, scholarships, and community resources. We are not wealthy people (her younger siblings and I), so this isnt a matter of me just having the money and choosing not to give. Seeing her pictures everyday was heartbreaking for me and her siblings, they felt abandonded and asked about her all the time, she never returned phone calls or anything from them either over many months. We aren't talking a quick shift, we are talking repeated disrespect, disregard, and cruelty over time.

I am at an empasse because I learned that she recently (in the last week) checked herself into a hospital for depression/suicide. I had no idea it was this serious until her roomates mom called me with very deep concerning behaviors her daughter had told her. the concerns were so bad that she requested to be moved to another room to be away from my daughter. I feel horrible for that mother as we are both struggling to pay for an 70K per year school, and she did not sign up for my kid to treat her daughter that way or be exposed to anything like that.

I dont know if its depression, drugs, suicide... i am empty right now.

I thought that she was just being horrible to us but I am learning that it has been to everyone.

This is all coming at the worst time because I am back in cancer treatment and now have to juggle two sets of hospital bills, patient navigation, the rumors and judgements from people as they learn about whats going on , I just feel like breaking down all the time. My daughter had everything and flushed it down the toilet. I am compassionate to the circumstances and it still feels horrible

You’re compassionate? Your daughter is hospitalized because she wants to KILL herself. You only care how that looks or impacts other people. You have no compassion for your daughter. The circumstances and timing with your own illness are unfortunate but why isn’t your husband dealing with bills and patient navigation. Who cares about rumors. Do you want your daughter to die? Do you want to die and leave your daughter with this ending- that her mother hates her?