Is co parenting a woke male trap?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The logic here is wild. You divorce a man because he refuses to carry his share of the load and somehow after the divorce you’re expected to keep project-managing his life so the kids’ schedules don’t fall apart? Absolutely not.

That’s what divorce orders are for. Spell. Everything. Out. Pickup times, drop-offs, school forms, medical appointments, activity registration, communication methods, every single task that used to live in the “invisible labor” bucket. If it matters, stipulate it.

And if he doesn’t hold up his end? You don’t sigh and quietly pick up the slack so no one notices. You document it and drag his ass back to court. Judges exist for a reason.

Coparenting does not mean continuing to be your ex-husband’s unpaid executive assistant. His parenting time is his responsibility. His logistics are his problem. His failures are not yours to cushion.

Not your circus. Not your monkeys.

Getting contempt orders is expensive, and if it's over relatively minor issues, it will annoy the court. You write like you have little experience with family courts. It's one thing to have a solid divorce, but another to have it enforced. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I would have thought we would have grown out of this by now. These lazy, no account new dads are Millennials. I'm guessing they were born mostly in 1990 and beyond?

They were raised by mothers (and sometimes fathers) who I would've thought had more egalitarian views of the responsibilities of men and women and would have taught the boys accordingly.

But, apparently not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems a common theme is wives leaving because they just can’t tolerate having a child for a husband. Weaponzied incompetence, performative parenting, etc. but then, once divorced, you are supposed to continue doing all the organizing and invisible labor, or else you aren’t a cooperative co parent and “the kids will suffer”. We divorce them when they don’t pull their weight in marriage but then tolerate it once divorced.

No.

Divorce them for less setbacks, less arguing or reasoning with an idiot, less constant disrespect and deadweight rudeness, less mistakes, less undermining of the children’s development, less house disrepair.

[Anonymous]

Only commenting on the OP - "woke trap" - JUST f' off. you already know the responses you want, so what's the point in convincing you. F' off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems a common theme is wives leaving because they just can’t tolerate having a child for a husband. Weaponzied incompetence, performative parenting, etc. but then, once divorced, you are supposed to continue doing all the organizing and invisible labor, or else you aren’t a cooperative co parent and “the kids will suffer”. We divorce them when they don’t pull their weight in marriage but then tolerate it once divorced.

No.

Divorce them for less setbacks, less arguing or reasoning with an idiot, less constant disrespect and deadweight rudeness, less mistakes, less undermining of the children’s development, less house disrepair.

Less messes in the house. Less unmet expecations. Less tension due to anger he has because it's Tuesday/it's raining/someone asked him a question. Less pressure for sex from someone you don't like, let alone love.

Sometimes I think men just can't see how much they demand from everyone around them, specifically women, and how much peace exists once they're gone. A happy, clean, fun, tension-free household is worth it's weight in gold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some men do become better fathers after divorce. Sometimes the divorce was a wakeup call. Sometimes the divorce face the father the ability to parent without the mom treating him as some sort of subordinate assistant. When you have your kids 50 percent of the time, you have a lot of opportunity to be a good parent. Or a bad one.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems a common theme is wives leaving because they just can’t tolerate having a child for a husband. Weaponzied incompetence, performative parenting, etc. but then, once divorced, you are supposed to continue doing all the organizing and invisible labor, or else you aren’t a cooperative co parent and “the kids will suffer”. We divorce them when they don’t pull their weight in marriage but then tolerate it once divorced.

[Anonymous]

haha, so true

[Anonymous]

I hate that I have to be a single mom and solo parent the children that my idiot ex asked for, but I hated being married to him a lot more. It is a blessing not to have to share a home with such a worthless pr!ck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean this is why many women make the best of marriage. Once you have a kid, you are tied together for life. If there isn't abuse, it can make more sense to just figure out some kind of equilibrium that works, even if it's not fair, and make the best of it.

This is a major reason I chose to only have one kid. Once I discovered what my DH was like as a dad and realized how much would fall to me, I chose to keep my workload as low as possible. My one kid is pretty great though, and I've also coached my DH into being a good father, so I feel I've done right by DD.

Completely insane that women have to do this. Jesus.

PP here and I agree with you -- it is nuts that this is what happened and I definitely went through a period of resentment over it.

But I worked through that and just accepted it, primarily because my DH proved coachable. Early on it was touch and go because it meant he had to level up in emotional maturity and when he was an overwhelmed new dad, I wasn't sure that was going to happen. But then it did, and things got incrementally better, and now we're honestly in a decent place. It's not 50/50 but he's still a "good dad" by 2026 standards, which includes taking a real interest in his child's life, spending time with his kid by his own volition and having largely positive interactions (not just arguing/being combative/criticizing/judging), and performing at least some of the caretaking like feeding, laundry, sticking to a schedule (the degree to which I've scaffolded his ability to do this is more extensive than our kid knows, but oh well, at least he's packing her a lunch sometimes even if it's using a system I set up for him to make it as easy and painless as possible).

The important thing to me is that our DD feels loved, valued, and respected by her dad. I did not have this growing up, or as an adult, and it's not great. It's one of the main reasons I stayed and it is the main reason I put the effort in to make this happen. It wasn't for him, it was for her. I know what it is to be ignored, neglected, and unloved by your dad, and when I realized I had (without meaning to) married someone who had a lot of the same parenting traits as my own dad, I just made it my mission to make sure DD had more than I did. It was worth it to me.

I admire you.

I doubt admire her. Enabling a man to be lazy and exploitative of women is just continuing a terrible cycle that has given us a society of losers. Her daughter is learning to think highly of men for doing the bare minimum and to take for granted that women should be mules whose efforts are acknowledged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean this is why many women make the best of marriage. Once you have a kid, you are tied together for life. If there isn't abuse, it can make more sense to just figure out some kind of equilibrium that works, even if it's not fair, and make the best of it.

This is a major reason I chose to only have one kid. Once I discovered what my DH was like as a dad and realized how much would fall to me, I chose to keep my workload as low as possible. My one kid is pretty great though, and I've also coached my DH into being a good father, so I feel I've done right by DD.

Completely insane that women have to do this. Jesus.

PP here and I agree with you -- it is nuts that this is what happened and I definitely went through a period of resentment over it.

But I worked through that and just accepted it, primarily because my DH proved coachable. Early on it was touch and go because it meant he had to level up in emotional maturity and when he was an overwhelmed new dad, I wasn't sure that was going to happen. But then it did, and things got incrementally better, and now we're honestly in a decent place. It's not 50/50 but he's still a "good dad" by 2026 standards, which includes taking a real interest in his child's life, spending time with his kid by his own volition and having largely positive interactions (not just arguing/being combative/criticizing/judging), and performing at least some of the caretaking like feeding, laundry, sticking to a schedule (the degree to which I've scaffolded his ability to do this is more extensive than our kid knows, but oh well, at least he's packing her a lunch sometimes even if it's using a system I set up for him to make it as easy and painless as possible).

The important thing to me is that our DD feels loved, valued, and respected by her dad. I did not have this growing up, or as an adult, and it's not great. It's one of the main reasons I stayed and it is the main reason I put the effort in to make this happen. It wasn't for him, it was for her. I know what it is to be ignored, neglected, and unloved by your dad, and when I realized I had (without meaning to) married someone who had a lot of the same parenting traits as my own dad, I just made it my mission to make sure DD had more than I did. It was worth it to me.

I admire you.

I doubt admire her. Enabling a man to be lazy and exploitative of women is just continuing a terrible cycle that has given us a society of losers. Her daughter is learning to think highly of men for doing the bare minimum and to take for granted that women should be mules whose efforts are acknowledged.

^^are NOT acknowledged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have thought we would have grown out of this by now. These lazy, no account new dads are Millennials. I'm guessing they were born mostly in 1990 and beyond?

They were raised by mothers (and sometimes fathers) who I would've thought had more egalitarian views of the responsibilities of men and women and would have taught the boys accordingly.

But, apparently not.

The fact that morons like you are focusing on the mothers is exactly why these loser men are losers. The failure here is on the part of the fathers and that's what you should be calling out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's... not what coparenting is?

LOL, right.

[Anonymous]

This morning I was enjoying a morning sleep in when my kids were at my ex's house, but my 10th grader woke up me at 6:30 to ask when I was taking her to the dermatologist.

So I said, well I assumed your dad was taking you, and she sprang it on him, and he was flustered, but he did it.

You just have to drop the rope.

I could say, "Hey, just for the record, please ask me ahead of time if you need my help with doctor's appointments on your days!" and he would say, "Of course, excuse excuse excuse, blah blah blah," and then he would do the same exact thing. The only way to stop doing it for him is to stop doing it for him. I knew he would probably not notice/assume/forget. But I knew that carrying the mental load and reminding him and acting like it was normal of me to worry about this for him at all would just perpetuate the cycle. Break the cycle. He'll figure it out.

[Anonymous]

What does any of this have to do with wokeness? Or whatever a "woke trap" is?