Is co parenting a woke male trap?

[Anonymous]

Seems a common theme is wives leaving because they just can’t tolerate having a child for a husband. Weaponzied incompetence, performative parenting, etc. but then, once divorced, you are supposed to continue doing all the organizing and invisible labor, or else you aren’t a cooperative co parent and “the kids will suffer”. We divorce them when they don’t pull their weight in marriage but then tolerate it once divorced.

[Anonymous]

Go away

[Anonymous]

I mean this is why many women make the best of marriage. Once you have a kid, you are tied together for life. If there isn't abuse, it can make more sense to just figure out some kind of equilibrium that works, even if it's not fair, and make the best of it.

This is a major reason I chose to only have one kid. Once I discovered what my DH was like as a dad and realized how much would fall to me, I chose to keep my workload as low as possible. My one kid is pretty great though, and I've also coached my DH into being a good father, so I feel I've done right by DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems a common theme is wives leaving because they just can’t tolerate having a child for a husband. Weaponzied incompetence, performative parenting, etc. but then, once divorced, you are supposed to continue doing all the organizing and invisible labor, or else you aren’t a cooperative co parent and “the kids will suffer”. We divorce them when they don’t pull their weight in marriage but then tolerate it once divorced.

Is he paying alimony and child support?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean this is why many women make the best of marriage. Once you have a kid, you are tied together for life. If there isn't abuse, it can make more sense to just figure out some kind of equilibrium that works, even if it's not fair, and make the best of it.

This is a major reason I chose to only have one kid. Once I discovered what my DH was like as a dad and realized how much would fall to me, I chose to keep my workload as low as possible. My one kid is pretty great though, and I've also coached my DH into being a good father, so I feel I've done right by DD.

This is what sensible women do, have one kid and keep life manageable instead of having kid after kid and keep complaining.

[Anonymous]

Not really clear what you are trying to say, but I'll bite.

I divorced my xH because he didn't pull his weight. We have 50/50 custody and it's SO much less work for me. He has a court order to do half the school pickups/dropoffs, half the sick days, etc. Even bigger, I no longer have to cook for or clean up after a grown man. People really have no idea how much FOOD adult men need to be fed, or how their crap gets absolutely everywhere.

Even if he bailed completely, he'd have to pay child support AND I still wouldn't have to cook and clean for him.

I also think a LOT of men step it up when they realize their parenting will be examined in a court room by a judge. It's one thing at home behind closed doors, but another to know it could be brought out in front of complete strangers to judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems a common theme is wives leaving because they just can’t tolerate having a child for a husband. Weaponzied incompetence, performative parenting, etc. but then, once divorced, you are supposed to continue doing all the organizing and invisible labor, or else you aren’t a cooperative co parent and “the kids will suffer”. We divorce them when they don’t pull their weight in marriage but then tolerate it once divorced.

This is why I didn't divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not really clear what you are trying to say, but I'll bite.

I divorced my xH because he didn't pull his weight. We have 50/50 custody and it's SO much less work for me. He has a court order to do half the school pickups/dropoffs, half the sick days, etc. Even bigger, I no longer have to cook for or clean up after a grown man. People really have no idea how much FOOD adult men need to be fed, or how their crap gets absolutely everywhere.

Even if he bailed completely, he'd have to pay child support AND I still wouldn't have to cook and clean for him.

I also think a LOT of men step it up when they realize their parenting will be examined in a court room by a judge. It's one thing at home behind closed doors, but another to know it could be brought out in front of complete strangers to judge.

I have a friend who broke up with her fiance when he because abusive when their daughter was an infant. Then she developed mental health issues, filed for child support, he brought CPS into it only to find out that they expected him to take custody. His response was he couldn't "because I don't have a full tie girlfriend" (it's in the CPS records, it's also in the CPS records that he only hit his former gf because she got in his face). Then he found out he'd be stuck paying child support if the child was in foster care anyway so he took her. He had some deficits (when she got sick he'd call her mother to have her take care of her) but he actually was an adequate parent as she grew up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems a common theme is wives leaving because they just can’t tolerate having a child for a husband. Weaponzied incompetence, performative parenting, etc. but then, once divorced, you are supposed to continue doing all the organizing and invisible labor, or else you aren’t a cooperative co parent and “the kids will suffer”. We divorce them when they don’t pull their weight in marriage but then tolerate it once divorced.

NP here. Divorce does not make it better. No, he does not pay me alimony or child support. 50/50 is BS.

[Anonymous]

That's... not what coparenting is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not really clear what you are trying to say, but I'll bite.

I divorced my xH because he didn't pull his weight. We have 50/50 custody and it's SO much less work for me. He has a court order to do half the school pickups/dropoffs, half the sick days, etc. Even bigger, I no longer have to cook for or clean up after a grown man. People really have no idea how much FOOD adult men need to be fed, or how their crap gets absolutely everywhere.

Even if he bailed completely, he'd have to pay child support AND I still wouldn't have to cook and clean for him.

I also think a LOT of men step it up when they realize their parenting will be examined in a court room by a judge. It's one thing at home behind closed doors, but another to know it could be brought out in front of complete strangers to judge.

This.

Except I dont think the "stepping it up" is necessarily all about it being seen by a judge. I think it's because some of them want to be a good father. And they are forced into being a better father, because there's no longer a woman there to pick up their slack all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems a common theme is wives leaving because they just can’t tolerate having a child for a husband. Weaponzied incompetence, performative parenting, etc. but then, once divorced, you are supposed to continue doing all the organizing and invisible labor, or else you aren’t a cooperative co parent and “the kids will suffer”. We divorce them when they don’t pull their weight in marriage but then tolerate it once divorced.

NP here. Divorce does not make it better. No, he does not pay me alimony or child support. 50/50 is BS.

Another NP in the middle of it. From the day I knew I was pregnant I realized I was in a bad place, but told myself to just hang in and maybe it would get better. It didn’t. So then it became just stay in until DC can talk, stay until DC can take transit, stay until DC is 18. I knew that as bad as my life was it would be worse doing all the same stuff but outside the financial and legal protections of a marriage.

I was right. DH filed and is now very happy to have a legal system that he can use to tell me what to do and to stand behind him as he does something below the bare minimum. There are armies of apologists for men ready to work for $500/hour to focus on “future potential as a parent” and making moms do it all under the guise of “cooperation”.

I’m rambling, but yes, coparenting is even more of a scam than marriage was, for me, at least. It’s a weaponization of the legal system to protect lazy men’s egos at the cost of children and families.

[Anonymous]

No one can make you overcompensate for a lazy parent. it’s a choice. Divorce is better because you get free from the emotional abuse. You compartmentalize and do your best to raise your kids well on your time and let the rest go.

This is my approach and my kid is thriving. I also put my kid in therapy. She can process her dad’s laziness further when she’s an adult, but Mom will not be playing martyr. It’s unhealthy and sets a very poor example.

[Anonymous]

I don't agree with OP (actually not quite sure of the argument) but I do think that if we could, as a society, figure out why so many men have this issue with arrested development and expect their wives to mother them, we could solve all kinds of problems. Family problems, relationship problems, childhood problems. Like if men just showed up in family life as independent adults who were (1) capable of caring for themselves, and (2) capable of caring for other people to a reasonable degree as appropriate, then this makes everything about marriage and parenting easier.

#notallmen of course -- there are absolutely men who do this. And there are of course women who don't, I get it. But it is far more common for the woman to be kind of duct taping family life together because her husband just doesn't have the skill set to be a real partner. and I'm not even talking about some equal, 50/50 ideal of coparenting. I see this also in marriages where the wife stays home with the kids and the man goes to work -- I still see men just not taking responsibility for themselves or their lives, and their SAHM wives absolutely managing them like another child. No matter how you allocate the workload, it works best of both adults can manage their own life and then some. When should not be managing themselves, their kids, AND their husbands. It makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one can make you overcompensate for a lazy parent. it’s a choice. Divorce is better because you get free from the emotional abuse. You compartmentalize and do your best to raise your kids well on your time and let the rest go.

This is my approach and my kid is thriving. I also put my kid in therapy. She can process her dad’s laziness further when she’s an adult, but Mom will not be playing martyr. It’s unhealthy and sets a very poor example.

I think it's really a case by case basis and what worked for you won't work for everyone. A woman who chooses not to get divorced is not agreeing to be a martyr, and I think most women who decide to stay in the marriage and make it work are doing EXACTLY what you are doing: compartmentalizing, doing their best to raise their kids, and letting the rest go.

I've forced more equality into our marriage as well. I don't just shoulder it all and suffer in silence. DH won't plan anything. Not for himself, not for the family, not for our DC. So I plan it all, but that means I make all the choices. If he complains, I tell him that he's welcome to plan himself. He never does. So I hold outsized power over decision making in our house, because I'm the one who executes everything. Early on I worked harder to incorporate him into choices, but when I realized how little initiative he would take, that changed. For the last decade, I mostly do what I want and he mostly goes alone with it. Is it equal? No. Is it the marriage I imagined for myself? Also no. Does it allow me a better lifestyle overall, because of the efficiencies of a two-income household, and is it conducive to a better relationship between DC and DH? Yes. So it's worth it for me. I am not powerless. I chose this for myself and am reasonably happy and feel I'm doing right by myself and my child.

There was definitely a juncture (well, realistically, many junctures) where this deal I made for myself might have headed towards martyrdom and misery. DH absolutely used to fight me on decision making, while expecting to sit back and do nothing because "you're better at planning" or "you'll just yell at me if I make mistakes" and it did feel manipulative and I felt very resentful. Those are the times we've been closest to divorce. I think being willing to walk out the door, and I was, helped me stand up for myself so I didn't get walked all over.

The interesting thing is that it became very obvious DH was much more afraid of divorce than I was. And that makes sense -- if you are inherently lazy and constantly shirking responsibility for everything, the idea of being on your own, having to parent alone and take care of your own household, must be terrifying. That doesn't scare me at all. The only part I don't like is the money part, what it means to separate our households. But just taking care of DC on my own, running my own house? I know I could do that and that in some ways it would be easier than what I do now. Realizing that divorce scared him and didn't scare me helped me find more agency in our marriage. I know what my best alternative to staying married is, and it's really not that bad. But I've always found a way to make it work while staying married.