Suspect DD's friend has an eating disorder, WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I’m not going to describe specifics because I’m not willing to risk this kid being recognized.

Thanks for the helpful responses. I really only want to hear from people who may have experienced something similar and how you handled it.

And FYI: yes, I’ve talked to dd and yes, I’ve been in therapy.

I have a female teen with an eating disorder that involves only sensory avoidance and anxiety about feeling sick after eating certain foods. I am sure when she goes to friend's houses or out to eat with friends that people notice she does not eat much. OP I would be livid if a parent raised this with me. I would be even angrier if you told a school counselor. Like wth would they do? I'd say mind your own business, help your own kid be healthy. My kid's friends don't know she has anxiety about
foods that are unknown to her, so I am sure they have opinions. Moms see a lot. What I wish is they'd see my kid has a normal body weight, is active in sports and eats well when she has food in her tolerance area. I think it is weird you won't share what red flags.

I have a child with ARFID, which is what I’m assuming you are describing. I also watched my best friend get down to 80 lbs and permanently damage her heart. I appreciate people saying something if they are worried. The counselor already knows about my kids diagnosis, so why would I care if someone said something to them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given your baggage, and unless this friend eats most meals at your home, MYOB.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I’m not going to describe specifics because I’m not willing to risk this kid being recognized.

Thanks for the helpful responses. I really only want to hear from people who may have experienced something similar and how you handled it.

And FYI: yes, I’ve talked to dd and yes, I’ve been in therapy.

I have a female teen with an eating disorder that involves only sensory avoidance and anxiety about feeling sick after eating certain foods. I am sure when she goes to friend's houses or out to eat with friends that people notice she does not eat much. OP I would be livid if a parent raised this with me. I would be even angrier if you told a school counselor. Like wth would they do? I'd say mind your own business, help your own kid be healthy. My kid's friends don't know she has anxiety about
foods that are unknown to her, so I am sure they have opinions. Moms see a lot. What I wish is they'd see my kid has a normal body weight, is active in sports and eats well when she has food in her tolerance area. I think it is weird you won't share what red flags.

When dealing with issues like this in teens, there's no benefit to anyone keeping them a guarded secret. There is too much risk involved, kids are vulnerable, and outsiders have no way of knowing what is driving the behavior and what else may be going on. If parents/others feel compelled to make sure someone is aware, and that the child has access to supports, they absolutely should. It's not a negative conversation. It's bringing in support circles for the kid. Not eating on its own is one thing. But often there's a lot of comments and other indicators of issues when it is a ED versus what you describe about your daughter. If someone thought you didn't know that this was happening, why would you be super angry for them to check in with you?

[Anonymous]

My DD had an ED. Things can escalate very quickly, and restoring weight is a really hard process.

If you believe your DD is showing signs of an ED, I would intervene right away. Talk to your DD directly about what you've noticed. Schedule a check up with family doctor. That may seem weird, but that's my advice.

I also wouldn't try to limit the friendship in any way, unless you feel like the friend is actively encouraging ED behavior. Teenagers have all sorts of struggles, and I don't think it's right to abandon a friend b/c of a struggle.

About the friend - I would NOT contact the school counselor. It's one thing if a kid approaches a school counselor about a concern with a friend. It's another if another parent does so before trying to talk to the other parent as a human. Talk to the friend's parent, or don't talk to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD had an ED. Things can escalate very quickly, and restoring weight is a really hard process.

If you believe your DD is showing signs of an ED, I would intervene right away. Talk to your DD directly about what you've noticed. Schedule a check up with family doctor. That may seem weird, but that's my advice.

I also wouldn't try to limit the friendship in any way, unless you feel like the friend is actively encouraging ED behavior. Teenagers have all sorts of struggles, and I don't think it's right to abandon a friend b/c of a struggle.

About the friend - I would NOT contact the school counselor. It's one thing if a kid approaches a school counselor about a concern with a friend. It's another if another parent does so before trying to talk to the other parent as a human. Talk to the friend's parent, or don't talk to anyone.

I am genuinely curious about all these “don’t talk to the counselor” posts. OP has said she’s not friends with the parents; if they had a relationship i would definitely start there but that’s not the case. Unfortunately ED very often (not always, of course) come out of issues at home or that the parents share so to me this is one of the only times I would definitely consider going around a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD had an ED. Things can escalate very quickly, and restoring weight is a really hard process.

If you believe your DD is showing signs of an ED, I would intervene right away. Talk to your DD directly about what you've noticed. Schedule a check up with family doctor. That may seem weird, but that's my advice.

I also wouldn't try to limit the friendship in any way, unless you feel like the friend is actively encouraging ED behavior. Teenagers have all sorts of struggles, and I don't think it's right to abandon a friend b/c of a struggle.

About the friend - I would NOT contact the school counselor. It's one thing if a kid approaches a school counselor about a concern with a friend. It's another if another parent does so before trying to talk to the other parent as a human. Talk to the friend's parent, or don't talk to anyone.

I am genuinely curious about all these “don’t talk to the counselor” posts. OP has said she’s not friends with the parents; if they had a relationship i would definitely start there but that’s not the case. Unfortunately ED very often (not always, of course) come out of issues at home or that the parents share so to me this is one of the only times I would definitely consider going around a parent.

Same. Maybe it's experiences with problem therapists, or misunderstandings of what the therapist would do (they are not going to bulldoze themselves into the situation). The problem is that abuse homes also 100% rely on keeping the abusers secrets. Outsiders are not welcome. Risky for a therapist to work with their child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I’m not going to describe specifics because I’m not willing to risk this kid being recognized.

Thanks for the helpful responses. I really only want to hear from people who may have experienced something similar and how you handled it.

And FYI: yes, I’ve talked to dd and yes, I’ve been in therapy.

I have a female teen with an eating disorder that involves only sensory avoidance and anxiety about feeling sick after eating certain foods. I am sure when she goes to friend's houses or out to eat with friends that people notice she does not eat much. OP I would be livid if a parent raised this with me. I would be even angrier if you told a school counselor. Like wth would they do? I'd say mind your own business, help your own kid be healthy. My kid's friends don't know she has anxiety about
foods that are unknown to her, so I am sure they have opinions. Moms see a lot. What I wish is they'd see my kid has a normal body weight, is active in sports and eats well when she has food in her tolerance area. I think it is weird you won't share what red flags.

Is there a reason that her friends don't know? Some kids don't want to share vulnerability, but if her friends are safe, it could be helpful for her to just have it in the open a bit. And feel it's ok to be not ok with this. Could take some time if she's the one in resistance, but is there a chance that you are not comfortable talking about it?

Would you consider having a discreet conversation with her closest friends parents just to mention to them? So your daughter can feel comfortable in their homes, and that it's okay for her to be her, just exactly as she is? Concerned looks are probably not too helpful for the anxiety. As a mom who frequently had a lot of girls in the house, i would want to have some food available that she would be comfortable to eat if possible! Everyone's kids have stuff going on. Can be a village.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why aren’t you directly asking your daughter? That is what I would do. “Hey, I’m worried about Larla. Have you noticed X? Do you think she might be Y?” And then I would listen. I’m pretty sure my 14 year old would be honest with me. And then I would weigh in with my concerns about my daughter and also ask her what she thought about telling someone else (like a parent or counselor). My kid would likely be a fairly reasonable judge of whether the parents would be helpful or even more destructive.

I agree with this. Kids are insightful. And opening dialogue will help you know what is going on with your daughter, if she is finding the behavior worrisome or intriguing or something that she is getting jealous/competitive over.

I will also say that I have a friend who has a DD with "disordered eating." My friend is very aware of her DD's problems and might not mind if another family pointed it out, but would not be surprised and would appreciate the concern. Eating disorders are extremely hard to combat. It's not necessarily a reflection of any kind of problem in the family or the parents' fault. I would encourage compassion. We all have worries about our children and are filled with doubt about how to handle--and this is all those feelings multiplied by a thousand-fold.