Suspect DD's friend has an eating disorder, WWYD?

[Anonymous]

I mean not finishing your dinner or saying you're not hungry doesn't strike me as an eating disorder. Could this friend just be dieting normally?

I grew up in a very obese family and I was deeply unhappy about it. I always wanted a parents who would help me lose weight, but my mom was definitely into treat yo self type of mentality. I lost all the weight in high school by just eating very small portions and walking/running outside. There was nothing disordered about my eating. I was really interested in nutrition and didn't know how to get more vegetables either since school didn't have any (all I remember is pizza and chicken sandwiches with a side of chips).

[Anonymous]

It’s strange that you’re not describing there’s flags. Those specifics should determine how you approach.

[Anonymous]

*red flags*

[Anonymous]

What are you seeing in this friend, exactly? What you describe of your daughter doesn't necessarily sound worrisome but in this world of Ozempic and scrawny celebrities it is discussion worthy. Do you talk about diet culture with her?

[Anonymous]

Op you need to tell us what symptoms you’re seeing. Kids often eat differently at other houses r don’t like their food. Is she not eating the lunch you’re serving? Is she binge eating snacks? Do you hear her throwing up in the bathroom?

[Anonymous]

Op here. I’m not going to describe specifics because I’m not willing to risk this kid being recognized.

Thanks for the helpful responses. I really only want to hear from people who may have experienced something similar and how you handled it.

And FYI: yes, I’ve talked to dd and yes, I’ve been in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I’m not going to describe specifics because I’m not willing to risk this kid being recognized.

Thanks for the helpful responses. I really only want to hear from people who may have experienced something similar and how you handled it.

And FYI: yes, I’ve talked to dd and yes, I’ve been in therapy.

See, here's the thing. When you post on a public forum you can't decide who you "want" to hear from. You'll hear from anybody who "wants" to comment. That's how it works.

You're getting all of these responses because it's clear to many of us that your judgment might be clouded by your own baggage. That's all. So how we might handle this might be different, because without your baggage we might not even see what you're seeing as a real issue in the first place.

If you're in therapy, as you say, I'd start there.

[Anonymous]

I had an ED for 20 years, started when I was a teen. I know my judgement is absolutely clouded when it comes to noticing others eating habits. I have a tendency to pick out certain behaviors and jump to worst conclusion given my history. That said, the priority here is your daughter. I completely agree with not talking about weight, body image, good vs bad foods, etc. But it's a disservice to completely ignore any bad habits. Your silence if she skips meals or restricts is a confirmation that it's ok. Ask questions. Why is she skipping? Why is she suddenly saying she doesn't like ice cream or chips?( Not saying that's what is going on, but my "I don't like this food anymore" was one of my first signs of my ED).

You can also talk to your therapist about how to bring up these discussions with your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Nobody is going to recognize a teenage girl from specifics you give about her eating habits. For one thing, unfortunately there are plenty of girls who have eating disorders. For another thing, who among DCUM’s readership would recognize her? That’s just strange. For a third thing, if you describe certain behaviors, there might be an educational component for other readers such as parents of girls with the same behaviors who aren’t realizing that their daughters might have an eating disorder.

[Anonymous]

There are many types of eating disorders common among young girls. We cant understand your post unless you describe what you believe are symptoms. Describing what you’re seeing will absolutely not disclose someone’s identity. I’m wondering if OP is a troll since she won’t explain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren’t you directly asking your daughter? That is what I would do. “Hey, I’m worried about Larla. Have you noticed X? Do you think she might be Y?” And then I would listen. I’m pretty sure my 14 year old would be honest with me. And then I would weigh in with my concerns about my daughter and also ask her what she thought about telling someone else (like a parent or counselor). My kid would likely be a fairly reasonable judge of whether the parents would be helpful or even more destructive.

I’m wouldn’t ask about a specific girl — that’s horrible if she’s wrong and could backfire w DD. But I’d certainly ask generally. “Often around your age girls can struggle with eating disorders. These are the behaviors to look out for. Have you noticed this? I want you and your friends to eat healthfully for your bodies and I’m here for you and any of your friends who might be struggling.”

If I was on the wrong track, my kid would tell me. I think it is bizarre not to specifically talk about the person you are concerned about. Because if there is a problem, you can talk about what the best way to help might be. But I can’t imagine how this would backfire with my particular kid. If I was totally wrong, she might roll her eyes at me. But I can live with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see what the counselor would do. You may find her behavior concerning, but there is no objective way to know if her health is actually compromised. What do you tell the counselor, she doesn’t eat at your house? She pretends to eat and doesn’t? It’s not like the counselor is going to do anything with this info besides maybe email the parent- but I don’t even know if they would do that. What would they say? Another parent reached out concerning your diets eating habits? How often is this kid over your house for you to feel you somehow have knowledge her parents don’t have?

I think the most you can do if state facts about what she is doing in your company to her parents: She refuses food we offer, she will only eat raw vegetables at our house, she pushes food around plate, she talks about losing weight…or whatever it is you have directly observed. I think it’s fine to say you find this concerning/unusual. The parents will likely say that they have noticed this too and are working on a plan or something like that.

I'm the one who suggested the counselor and pediatrician rather than approaching the parents. But this was a suggestion bc OP is concerned about her own daughter. These people can help her with her own concerns.

If the kid really has an ED, there are likely some other unhealthy patterns in the house and telling the parents probably doesn't help much unfortunately.

I agree with this, unfortunately. I was severely bulimic in high school, and looking back, I cannot believe my parents didn't know. All my life, they commented on women's bodies, pointed out and disparaged fat people (their definition of "fat" would not align with most people's understanding of the word: I remember my dad walking in while I was watching a movie and then proceeding to start talking about how Reese Witherspoon in Cruel Intentions was "chubby"). I was so sick, and my parents were so proud of how thin I got. I honestly suspect they know I was vomiting and thought it was better than me getting fat. I really do. If someone had told my parents they thought I had an eating disorder, my parents would have mocked them (behidn their backs) for being overweight themselves.

I think my parents were most proud of me for being slim. I have two graduate degrees, but the only time I remember my dad saying he was proud of me was when he was talking about how I looked in comparison to my same-age girl cousins at some kind of family event.

Her parents see. There is a good chance they don't view her eating as "disordered" at all.

[Anonymous]

Op is a troll. She won’t explain what she claims she’s seeing. The term “eating disorder” is very wide with many different behaviors and OP doesn’t know this.

[Anonymous]

Really depends what you are seeing because what you posted doesn’t sound concerning to me.

My own teen DD is picky so often fibs or makes excuses (oh no thank you, I ate a huge lunch!) when offered food/meals at friends’ houses. Or just eats what parts she likes, and pushes the rest around on her plate. She is also naturally thin. I wish she a bit less picky, but she definitely eats plenty and absolutely does not have an eating disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you close with the parents? She lives with them, so presumably they see what you see. I would probably just raise it with the school counselor, who should have experience dealing with this kind of stuff with kids/their families. I would then ask the counselor the same question you have asked here: what if anything should you do with regard to your daughter? See what the counselor recommends for next steps. You can also reach out to your kids Pediatrician for ideas/resources.

I would start there.

This. And let the counselor contact the parents.