Suspect DD's friend has an eating disorder, WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see what the counselor would do. You may find her behavior concerning, but there is no objective way to know if her health is actually compromised. What do you tell the counselor, she doesn’t eat at your house? She pretends to eat and doesn’t? It’s not like the counselor is going to do anything with this info besides maybe email the parent- but I don’t even know if they would do that. What would they say? Another parent reached out concerning your diets eating habits? How often is this kid over your house for you to feel you somehow have knowledge her parents don’t have?

I think the most you can do if state facts about what she is doing in your company to her parents: She refuses food we offer, she will only eat raw vegetables at our house, she pushes food around plate, she talks about losing weight…or whatever it is you have directly observed. I think it’s fine to say you find this concerning/unusual. The parents will likely say that they have noticed this too and are working on a plan or something like that.

I'm the one who suggested the counselor and pediatrician rather than approaching the parents. But this was a suggestion bc OP is concerned about her own daughter. These people can help her with her own concerns.

If the kid really has an ED, there are likely some other unhealthy patterns in the house and telling the parents probably doesn't help much unfortunately.

I agree with this, unfortunately. I was severely bulimic in high school, and looking back, I cannot believe my parents didn't know. All my life, they commented on women's bodies, pointed out and disparaged fat people (their definition of "fat" would not align with most people's understanding of the word: I remember my dad walking in while I was watching a movie and then proceeding to start talking about how Reese Witherspoon in Cruel Intentions was "chubby"). I was so sick, and my parents were so proud of how thin I got. I honestly suspect they know I was vomiting and thought it was better than me getting fat. I really do. If someone had told my parents they thought I had an eating disorder, my parents would have mocked them (behidn their backs) for being overweight themselves.

I think my parents were most proud of me for being slim. I have two graduate degrees, but the only time I remember my dad saying he was proud of me was when he was talking about how I looked in comparison to my same-age girl cousins at some kind of family event.

Her parents see. There is a good chance they don't view her eating as "disordered" at all.

I remember when Nicole Richie was struggling with and ED and Lionel Richie was interviewed he said that she doesn’t have an eating disorder and that she just doesn’t eat too much.

[Anonymous]

My teen DD has generalized anxiety and has a very picky diet. She rarely eats at friends houses and its a source of anxiety for her. Yes, she go to therapy and takes meds. You never know what is going on.

[Anonymous]

When you're on ADHD meds, it really affects your diet. Don't make assumptions without facts.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Without going into too much detail, the concerning behavior is binging and purging. Not my child, but child’s friend. I haven’t spent enough time around this child to be 100% sure, but I’m getting some alarm bells. I had a friend in middle school who was bulimic and she hid it from the adults very very well.

Some of you are truly unkind. I don’t care about the possibility of some random person on the internet recognizing a kid they may or may not know. What I don’t want is some mom reading this and then realizing I’m talking about her kid.

[Anonymous]

No one is going to think you’re talking about their kid. This is unfortunately very common among teen girls. If you heard the friend throwing up, did you ask her or your DD if she was OK or sick? Or did you assume it must be bulimia?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Without going into too much detail, the concerning behavior is binging and purging. Not my child, but child’s friend. I haven’t spent enough time around this child to be 100% sure, but I’m getting some alarm bells. I had a friend in middle school who was bulimic and she hid it from the adults very very well.

Some of you are truly unkind. I don’t care about the possibility of some random person on the internet recognizing a kid they may or may not know. What I don’t want is some mom reading this and then realizing I’m talking about her kid.

Well news flash. Thousands of teens are purging today. You seriously think you sre going to be recognized? Or do you gab about DCUM a lot?

Anyway if your bathroom smells of puke you hear water running the whole time to mask puking sounds, kid goes to bathroom immediately after eating, yeah she likely is puking.

Tell your daughter about dental problems and rupture esophagus from purging.

[Anonymous]

As the sister and best friend of girls who struggled horribly with eating disorders, I agree with the PPs who are encouraging you to NOT assume her parents have this. My mother had an eating disorder as well and I believe that’s why she didn’t realize my sister’s behaviors were so problematic, and why I didn’t notice it either (I was away at college during the worst of it). I would start with the school counselor if you don’t know the parents.

For your daughter, I would recommend starting a dialogue about eating disorders both for herself and to help her not normalize really problematic behaviors for her friend. If I could go back in time I wish someone would have said to me really clearly, some kids stay to have disordered thoughts and feelings about food such as x,y,z. I look back now and when my friend was sick, I knew enough to know it was an eating disorder if I had had the vocabulary for that or known what to do, but it was 6th grade and I just didn’t have that or feel comfortable talking to my mother about those things (knowing she viewed being fat as a moral failing). These things flourish in the shadows, OP. You can talk to your daughter really calmly like you would about any other medical issue and make sure she understands that you will be able to handle it if she’s struggling too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the sister and best friend of girls who struggled horribly with eating disorders, I agree with the PPs who are encouraging you to NOT assume her parents have this. My mother had an eating disorder as well and I believe that’s why she didn’t realize my sister’s behaviors were so problematic, and why I didn’t notice it either (I was away at college during the worst of it). I would start with the school counselor if you don’t know the parents.

For your daughter, I would recommend starting a dialogue about eating disorders both for herself and to help her not normalize really problematic behaviors for her friend. If I could go back in time I wish someone would have said to me really clearly, some kids stay to have disordered thoughts and feelings about food such as x,y,z. I look back now and when my friend was sick, I knew enough to know it was an eating disorder if I had had the vocabulary for that or known what to do, but it was 6th grade and I just didn’t have that or feel comfortable talking to my mother about those things (knowing she viewed being fat as a moral failing). These things flourish in the shadows, OP. You can talk to your daughter really calmly like you would about any other medical issue and make sure she understands that you will be able to handle it if she’s struggling too.

One other thought- do either of them have access to any social media? We found out later my sister spent a lot of time on “pro-ana “ websites which basically praise disordered eating and teach you how to hide your disorder. These things still exist and are now on Instagram (and Tik Tok too, I’m sure). I would very carefully monitor your daughter’s media consumption and include a discussion about those types of influences when you talk to her. There are also videos of doctors and dietitians doing “rebuttals” to some of these very disordered posts (e.g. normalizing eating under 800 calories and things like that).

[Anonymous]

I would never identify the girl to the school counselor. I don’t see how you know she’s bulimic. Ask your daughter! Start there before tarnishing her friend’s behavior. Especially given your own ED.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I’m not going to describe specifics because I’m not willing to risk this kid being recognized.

Thanks for the helpful responses. I really only want to hear from people who may have experienced something similar and how you handled it.

And FYI: yes, I’ve talked to dd and yes, I’ve been in therapy.

I have a female teen with an eating disorder that involves only sensory avoidance and anxiety about feeling sick after eating certain foods. I am sure when she goes to friend's houses or out to eat with friends that people notice she does not eat much. OP I would be livid if a parent raised this with me. I would be even angrier if you told a school counselor. Like wth would they do? I'd say mind your own business, help your own kid be healthy. My kid's friends don't know she has anxiety about
foods that are unknown to her, so I am sure they have opinions. Moms see a lot. What I wish is they'd see my kid has a normal body weight, is active in sports and eats well when she has food in her tolerance area. I think it is weird you won't share what red flags.

[Anonymous]

I had to deal with a situation like this when DD was in grade 8 & 9. The eating disorder involved barely eating anything, taking extremely small portions, saying it was her favorite food, starring longingly at food, staring judgingly at kids who take more food than she did, that type of thing.

DD could see that this was a problem and not healthy, and we had talked a lot since grade four about typical female body issues and perceptions around diet and exercise. She was not affected by the eating.

But when this same girl started making threats about suicide to control friend behavior in the group, that did affect DD and she did start and unhealthy social media glamorized relationship with the ideas of depression and mental illness. At the time so many influencers etc were getting all kinds of attention for negative comments about themselves.

So I would just say that the eating disorder is probably the least of the issues, and there's likely a whole lot else going on for this girl in her home life.

Given the girls home life, I decided to inform the school counselor. The girl already was in therapy & on medications.

In my daughter's case, the friend was a really unhealthy friend in general and I was glad when the friendship ended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren’t you directly asking your daughter? That is what I would do. “Hey, I’m worried about Larla. Have you noticed X? Do you think she might be Y?” And then I would listen. I’m pretty sure my 14 year old would be honest with me. And then I would weigh in with my concerns about my daughter and also ask her what she thought about telling someone else (like a parent or counselor). My kid would likely be a fairly reasonable judge of whether the parents would be helpful or even more destructive.

I’m wouldn’t ask about a specific girl — that’s horrible if she’s wrong and could backfire w DD. But I’d certainly ask generally. “Often around your age girls can struggle with eating disorders. These are the behaviors to look out for. Have you noticed this? I want you and your friends to eat healthfully for your bodies and I’m here for you and any of your friends who might be struggling.”

If I was on the wrong track, my kid would tell me. I think it is bizarre not to specifically talk about the person you are concerned about. Because if there is a problem, you can talk about what the best way to help might be. But I can’t imagine how this would backfire with my particular kid. If I was totally wrong, she might roll her eyes at me. But I can live with that.

If you were close with your dd and there was a problem with this girl, why wouldn't she come to you?!?!

I see so much gossip with girl moms and their dd's. It's a problem. Talk about enmeshment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had to deal with a situation like this when DD was in grade 8 & 9. The eating disorder involved barely eating anything, taking extremely small portions, saying it was her favorite food, starring longingly at food, staring judgingly at kids who take more food than she did, that type of thing.

DD could see that this was a problem and not healthy, and we had talked a lot since grade four about typical female body issues and perceptions around diet and exercise. She was not affected by the eating.

But when this same girl started making threats about suicide to control friend behavior in the group, that did affect DD and she did start and unhealthy social media glamorized relationship with the ideas of depression and mental illness. At the time so many influencers etc were getting all kinds of attention for negative comments about themselves.

So I would just say that the eating disorder is probably the least of the issues, and there's likely a whole lot else going on for this girl in her home life.

Given the girls home life, I decided to inform the school counselor. The girl already was in therapy & on medications.

In my daughter's case, the friend was a really unhealthy friend in general and I was glad when the friendship ended.

There is no evidence of an ED, so your doom post is unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren’t you directly asking your daughter? That is what I would do. “Hey, I’m worried about Larla. Have you noticed X? Do you think she might be Y?” And then I would listen. I’m pretty sure my 14 year old would be honest with me. And then I would weigh in with my concerns about my daughter and also ask her what she thought about telling someone else (like a parent or counselor). My kid would likely be a fairly reasonable judge of whether the parents would be helpful or even more destructive.

I’m wouldn’t ask about a specific girl — that’s horrible if she’s wrong and could backfire w DD. But I’d certainly ask generally. “Often around your age girls can struggle with eating disorders. These are the behaviors to look out for. Have you noticed this? I want you and your friends to eat healthfully for your bodies and I’m here for you and any of your friends who might be struggling.”

If I was on the wrong track, my kid would tell me. I think it is bizarre not to specifically talk about the person you are concerned about. Because if there is a problem, you can talk about what the best way to help might be. But I can’t imagine how this would backfire with my particular kid. If I was totally wrong, she might roll her eyes at me. But I can live with that.

If you were close with your dd and there was a problem with this girl, why wouldn't she come to you?!?!

I see so much gossip with girl moms and their dd's. It's a problem. Talk about enmeshment.

Well, she probably would have. She has told me about her one friend who openly talks about her eating disorder. I don’t consider it enmeshed to talk to my daughter if I’m concerned about a friend of hers while I am directly viewing the problematic behavior. I also don’t think of that as gossip. But you have a different view, which is fine.

[Anonymous]

Given your baggage, and unless this friend eats most meals at your home, MYOB.