Suspect DD's friend has an eating disorder, WWYD?

[Anonymous]

We suspect that a friend of teen DD has an eating disorder. They are very close and spend a lot of time together. What if anything would you do? Not talking about bringing it up with the friend or friend's parents. What would you do with your own child to protect them/discourage copycat behavior?

DH and I separately had the same observation/concern with this friend so it's not just me, and since noticing concerning behavior, we realized that DD had also started doing things that may be concerning, like eating very little at meals and claiming she's not that hungry. This isn't every meal or even every day, which is why up until recently, we didn't think anything of it. For now, we are keeping a watchful eye. But if anyone who has BTDT has advice, I'd welcome it.

[Anonymous]

For you daughters friend - please escalate to someone. It can go very quickly from eating disorder to hospital.
For your daughter - you can start with making sure you are modeling good behavior. Do you talk about dieting, purchase diet beverages, make comments about weight.
Consciously make the conversation about being healthy and strong. Meal plan and cook meals together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For you daughters friend - please escalate to someone. It can go very quickly from eating disorder to hospital.
For your daughter - you can start with making sure you are modeling good behavior. Do you talk about dieting, purchase diet beverages, make comments about weight.
Consciously make the conversation about being healthy and strong. Meal plan and cook meals together.

OP 100% this. You need to tell the friends parents immediately and loop in the school counselor if you cannot get ahold of them. I also second the PP’s ideas for your daughter!

[Anonymous]

Are you close with the parents? She lives with them, so presumably they see what you see. I would probably just raise it with the school counselor, who should have experience dealing with this kind of stuff with kids/their families. I would then ask the counselor the same question you have asked here: what if anything should you do with regard to your daughter? See what the counselor recommends for next steps. You can also reach out to your kids Pediatrician for ideas/resources.

I would start there.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I’ll have to think about a way to approach this delicately with the friend/friend’s parents.

As for us, I grew up with very body critical parents - extreme dietary restrictions, forced to do sit ups as a 10 year old because I was getting “pudgy”, forced to swim laps at the pool before being allowed to play, etc. So I have been VERY careful with DD, focusing on healthy eating and exercise for fun and overall health, and not about weight management.

I know that I have body dysmorphia because of my upbringing and so make a conscious effort to never talk about people’s sizes or weight. I think it’s also why I am ultra sensitive to a possible eating disorder in DD’s friend.

In any case, I’m going to figure out a way to alert the friend’s parents. I want to do a little info gathering (from dd) first. Maybe talk to the school counselor first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you close with the parents? She lives with them, so presumably they see what you see. I would probably just raise it with the school counselor, who should have experience dealing with this kind of stuff with kids/their families. I would then ask the counselor the same question you have asked here: what if anything should you do with regard to your daughter? See what the counselor recommends for next steps. You can also reach out to your kids Pediatrician for ideas/resources.

I would start there.

Op again. This was what I was initially thinking, which is why in my OP I said I wasn’t going to say anything to her parents. Also why I am going to do some info gathering first before doing anything.

[Anonymous]

I actually think you're being kind of selfish for worrying only about the impact on your own kid and not the friend, and I also wonder if your own history and baggage is clouding your judgment and perception of what's really going on.

Bottom line: you need to talk to an actual professional and not crowd source such a serious issue. You're not properly equipped.

[Anonymous]

What exactly are you seeing with the friend? Is she opting not to eat the chips at your house or something more serious? Is she involved in any concerning sports (gymnastics or ballet) where weight is frowned upon?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually think you're being kind of selfish for worrying only about the impact on your own kid and not the friend, and I also wonder if your own history and baggage is clouding your judgment and perception of what's really going on.

Bottom line: you need to talk to an actual professional and not crowd source such a serious issue. You're not properly equipped.

WTF. I never said I was only worried about my kid. I’m worried about kid’s friend too, but parents get real angry if you dare suggest their kid has a problem. I don’t know the parents well, having only met them a couple of times. Like I said previously, I will talk to my dd, and then go to the school counselor. Why are you such an ass?

[Anonymous]

Treat lightly and know the parent.

My DD’s friend was in a similar situation. Turns out, it was an attempt to control something in an otherwise chaotic life, with a controlling mother who she felt she could never please. Telling the mother only made things worse.

[Anonymous]

I don’t see what the counselor would do. You may find her behavior concerning, but there is no objective way to know if her health is actually compromised. What do you tell the counselor, she doesn’t eat at your house? She pretends to eat and doesn’t? It’s not like the counselor is going to do anything with this info besides maybe email the parent- but I don’t even know if they would do that. What would they say? Another parent reached out concerning your diets eating habits? How often is this kid over your house for you to feel you somehow have knowledge her parents don’t have?

I think the most you can do if state facts about what she is doing in your company to her parents: She refuses food we offer, she will only eat raw vegetables at our house, she pushes food around plate, she talks about losing weight…or whatever it is you have directly observed. I think it’s fine to say you find this concerning/unusual. The parents will likely say that they have noticed this too and are working on a plan or something like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see what the counselor would do. You may find her behavior concerning, but there is no objective way to know if her health is actually compromised. What do you tell the counselor, she doesn’t eat at your house? She pretends to eat and doesn’t? It’s not like the counselor is going to do anything with this info besides maybe email the parent- but I don’t even know if they would do that. What would they say? Another parent reached out concerning your diets eating habits? How often is this kid over your house for you to feel you somehow have knowledge her parents don’t have?

I think the most you can do if state facts about what she is doing in your company to her parents: She refuses food we offer, she will only eat raw vegetables at our house, she pushes food around plate, she talks about losing weight…or whatever it is you have directly observed. I think it’s fine to say you find this concerning/unusual. The parents will likely say that they have noticed this too and are working on a plan or something like that.

I'm the one who suggested the counselor and pediatrician rather than approaching the parents. But this was a suggestion bc OP is concerned about her own daughter. These people can help her with her own concerns.

If the kid really has an ED, there are likely some other unhealthy patterns in the house and telling the parents probably doesn't help much unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Why aren’t you directly asking your daughter? That is what I would do. “Hey, I’m worried about Larla. Have you noticed X? Do you think she might be Y?” And then I would listen. I’m pretty sure my 14 year old would be honest with me. And then I would weigh in with my concerns about my daughter and also ask her what she thought about telling someone else (like a parent or counselor). My kid would likely be a fairly reasonable judge of whether the parents would be helpful or even more destructive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think you're being kind of selfish for worrying only about the impact on your own kid and not the friend, and I also wonder if your own history and baggage is clouding your judgment and perception of what's really going on.

Bottom line: you need to talk to an actual professional and not crowd source such a serious issue. You're not properly equipped.

WTF. I never said I was only worried about my kid. I’m worried about kid’s friend too, but parents get real angry if you dare suggest their kid has a problem. I don’t know the parents well, having only met them a couple of times. Like I said previously, I will talk to my dd, and then go to the school counselor. Why are you such an ass?

I just think you have a whole lot of baggage from your own childhood and that's what's driving you. Are you in therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why aren’t you directly asking your daughter? That is what I would do. “Hey, I’m worried about Larla. Have you noticed X? Do you think she might be Y?” And then I would listen. I’m pretty sure my 14 year old would be honest with me. And then I would weigh in with my concerns about my daughter and also ask her what she thought about telling someone else (like a parent or counselor). My kid would likely be a fairly reasonable judge of whether the parents would be helpful or even more destructive.

I’m wouldn’t ask about a specific girl — that’s horrible if she’s wrong and could backfire w DD. But I’d certainly ask generally. “Often around your age girls can struggle with eating disorders. These are the behaviors to look out for. Have you noticed this? I want you and your friends to eat healthfully for your bodies and I’m here for you and any of your friends who might be struggling.”