DD 15 just won’t listen to reason!

[Anonymous]

It sounds like church is an important value to you, “a hill to die on.” She knows your value. You have instilled it in her that attending church is really important. This is the problem- she’s growing up and what you instilled in her will be there BUT this has become a power struggle. And you demanding she attend is just going to be a battle. If you also value family time, perhaps you and she can find another way for your family to commit to time together weekly. And if you have you get siblings, maybe they have to keep attending until they are 15 or whatever. She seems like a fairly mature kid who is coming in to her own, which is what you want. You don’t want her, when she is off on her own, to follow along because that is what someone else told her to do. She is exercising some independence, let her experience how to do so in a respectful way. And you can model that by respectfully treating her with more grace and understanding.

Try to be curious rather than judgmental. She doesn’t agree with you right now. She has reasons. You don’t have to agree but treating each other with respect and kindness is more important than demanding she attend church weekly. Play the long game and really think of your priorities.

[Anonymous]

What is your REAL goal? That she returns to her faith at some point? That one day she brings her own children to church?

Or that you drag her kicking and screaming every Sunday to church before she leaves for college?

As someone else said, OP, you will win the battle and lose the war.

Stupid parents like you just end up shooting themselves in the foot with their heavy-handed tactics. You then blame everyone else but yourselves, but really, YOU are to blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She isn’t going to “see reason”. If you embrace that it will be easier. It can still be a family rule she doesn’t agree with, but you can’t force someone to agree.

My kid doesn’t think they should have to unload the dishwasher. Nothing I tell them will change their perspective. They still need to unload the dishwasher.

OP here, I fear I didn’t make clear how dramatic her refusal is. We physically need to carry her out the door on Sundays. It’s strange and embarrassing. She’s mostly such a well-behaved child, I just don’t understand.

Her refusal isn't nearly as dramatic your carrying her out the door is.

[Anonymous]

Look if they are Catholic the parents are literally keeping their daughter from going to Hell by attending church. Their daughter could be eternally damned in a ring of fire if she does not go every Sunday.

Her parents need to be supported for their love and grace.

[Anonymous]

Make her go and ask her not to complain to you about it. She'll probably give it up when she is able to, but may come back to it later or not. She'll grow up and do what she's going to do.

She feels comfortable enough to complain to you. This means she trusts you and isn't afraid of speaking her mind to her parent. I think that's a good thing, but tell her this is one place you don't want to hear it and she has to go.

I did the same and my one kid told me he was never going to stay in the religion we were and eventually he joined another. I'm okay with that because I felt like I did my job of getting them instruction and us being together as a family.

But she's not going to "be reasonable."

[Anonymous]

I am wondering if the daughter is being abused by someone at church and has told op. And op was like “no, a man of god would never!!”

[Anonymous]

I cant believe you carry her out the door! That is pretty bad. I can't imagine how this is impacting your other kids.

You need to have a conversation about why this is important to you with the WHOLE family. Come to a compromise as a family on an alternative activity depending on your goal if she still resists church.

If it is faith - maybe you just pray as a family. If it is community involvement maybe there is something else (food bank volunteer). Maybe you just want the family together so you compromise on a hike. I don't know, but this is a pretty strange hill to die on,

[Anonymous]

This is weird that going to church is more important than actually believing in the religion. Forcing her will just turn her away more from religion and you. If you didn’t instill the beliefs when she was younger, and now she says she believes in something else and feels comfortable telling you about that, that’s your fault and isn’t something you can change. Leave it alone . What your doing is abusive, I feel bad for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Having to go to church is not a reason! There's nothing reasonable about forcing your DD to attend church! Religion is a personal concept and she's old enough to have her own, instead of yours. You also just cannot make up rules. If you make up a family rule of running around naked every Sunday, and all kids have to participate, see how insane that sounds! You're abusive.

[Anonymous]

You shoupd accept this will be a fight every Sunday until she moves out. Wake her up early to begin the fight and ensure you arrive on time.

What are you hoping to gain by making her go? Sounds like you have more to lose than to gain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is nuts

I think you’re onto something.


OP — this is shocking! Carrying out a 15 year old — way to teach a kid that their opinions and feelings do not matter. And then when they grow up, will they be able to stand up for themselves?

[Anonymous]

Why should she go to church if it causes such friction? What exactly are the benefits to her? You? God?

My dad fought this battle with my older sister every single Sunday and it was a nightmare for all involved. What horrid memories to give your family, OP.

[Anonymous]

Nothing annoys me more than parents who force religion with their kids. That’s a cult. Sorry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’ve decided to die on this hill, it’s likely to remain a point of friction until she moves out. Sorry.

Until she moves out? It will be a point of friction for their entire lives. I would stop communicating with a mom who did this and I certainly wouldn’t bring her around my own kids when I had my own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look if they are Catholic the parents are literally keeping their daughter from going to Hell by attending church. Their daughter could be eternally damned in a ring of fire if she does not go every Sunday.

Her parents need to be supported for their love and grace.

Nice try in the anti-Catholic bias here, but you need to work on your reading comprehension. The OP said the pastor’s daughter is married to a woman. Within that sentence are three reasons that OP clearly isn’t Catholic. Try understanding something before you malign it.