Ex moving to another country after kids turn 18

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the harsh reality, OP.

My kids are nearly 21 and 23 now.

They are one reason I've kept my house even though I was interested in moving. I figured they needed a home to come home to.

The reality is, they're rarely here. Maybe a couple of weeks in May before they've gone off to work at camps or internships. Then at Christmas. They want to spend Spring Break with their friends.

My oldest graduated from university in May and moved to Manhattan. She's been home once or twice but she's settled in.

My youngest did study abroad over Christmas break. She split her time before she went between mine and her mother's.

I'm an empty nester now. I've basically been one since the youngest left for college about three months after her 18th birthday.

I have other reasons for needing to remain here now, but if I could move somewhere else, I absolutely would. It's not much difference for the kids to come visit me here or in some new place.

This is what an Empty Nest is like. You need to wrap your head around it. Life is an adventure. If their father moves overseas, they will go visit. I doubt they'll see a whole lot less of him than they do now. And they'll have a whole new area to explore.

They live with mom, see dad what an hour or two a few times a week? This is about OP, not the kids. When they go home they will be with mom, not dad. So in a week visit they will see dad twice for an hour and she expects him to stay close for that a few times a year?

Are you slow? They won't be with the mother, either. They'll be starting their own lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the harsh reality, OP.

My kids are nearly 21 and 23 now.

They are one reason I've kept my house even though I was interested in moving. I figured they needed a home to come home to.

The reality is, they're rarely here. Maybe a couple of weeks in May before they've gone off to work at camps or internships. Then at Christmas. They want to spend Spring Break with their friends.

My oldest graduated from university in May and moved to Manhattan. She's been home once or twice but she's settled in.

My youngest did study abroad over Christmas break. She split her time before she went between mine and her mother's.

I'm an empty nester now. I've basically been one since the youngest left for college about three months after her 18th birthday.

I have other reasons for needing to remain here now, but if I could move somewhere else, I absolutely would. It's not much difference for the kids to come visit me here or in some new place.

This is what an Empty Nest is like. You need to wrap your head around it. Life is an adventure. If their father moves overseas, they will go visit. I doubt they'll see a whole lot less of him than they do now. And they'll have a whole new area to explore.

They live with mom, see dad what an hour or two a few times a week? This is about OP, not the kids. When they go home they will be with mom, not dad. So in a week visit they will see dad twice for an hour and she expects him to stay close for that a few times a year?

Are you slow? They won't be with the mother, either. They'll be starting their own lives.

Are you just that mean your kids don’t come home? Most go home holidays and summers and these kids would stay with mom, not dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he see the kids now? Its none of your business. You move on, so he should get to move on. They can visit or he can visit them here. They will be away at school and will not see him that much if they spend holidays and summers with you.

Yes, he does. We each provide about 50% of support and he sees them multiple times a week.
Again, I know there isn’t anything I can do about it but it will hurt my kids emotionally. There is a difference between moving on with a new partner and staying in the kids lives, and moving to another country and starting a new life that doesn’t include them. None of us are wealthy and airfares would be a significant expense for my kids or my ex and I’m afraid the result will be he will gradually just recede out of their lives and they will be disinherited.

I am not asking what to do about this, but how to help my kids cope, and hoping to hear from others who have BTDT, what to expect, etc. So the “MYOB” isn’t relevant here.

I’m sorry for you if either of your parents walked out of your life when you were 18. That sucks.

Ah, now we get to the actual issue. OP copped to it quicker than I expected she would.

She's also probably concerned about the child support/income for her as it stops at 18. Dad can help kids directly.

OP here. Child support already stops at 18, so what does this have to do with anything?

Read the post, she was worried about money.

This is OP.
I am not worried about money. I make a decent living and have never received alimony or anything beyond the state mandated child support, which was never that much because on paper we have shared custody. The child support ends at 18 regardless of where ex decides to live, but it’s fine, the kids will be in college and at least the college finances are settled.

I am sad that their dad doesn’t seem to want to be a part of their adult lives. Knowing they will be busy with college and jobs anyway doesn’t make it easier, because it will require even more of an effort for them to spend time together, and ex doesn’t look like he wants to make that effort.

Him staying by you does not mean he doesn’t want to be in their lives. You moved on, why can’t he?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids and dad could communicate multiple times a day on What's app for free. Doesn't matter where anyone lives. This "problem" is living rent free in OP's head.

Spoken just like a deadbeat.
Or maybe an emotionally distant “provider” type.

[Anonymous]

Do your children know he's planning on doing this?

I do think it's unfortunate, and if it's something that is in the near future, doesn't speak highly of his commitment to parenting. One thing to move a few hours away, or move oversees when they are settled/graduated from college.

If it's not anytime soon, I wouldn't worry about it - plans change, he might realize he wants to be around for his college aged kids more, etc.

And if he does do it, I agree with a PP, don't tell your kids how you feel. They might not really care, or they might be disappointed, but not surprised. And don't make it about the money.

On the plus side - maybe this means his new family will be caretakers when he's older and he won't be a burden on your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do your children know he's planning on doing this?

I do think it's unfortunate, and if it's something that is in the near future, doesn't speak highly of his commitment to parenting. One thing to move a few hours away, or move oversees when they are settled/graduated from college.

If it's not anytime soon, I wouldn't worry about it - plans change, he might realize he wants to be around for his college aged kids more, etc.

And if he does do it, I agree with a PP, don't tell your kids how you feel. They might not really care, or they might be disappointed, but not surprised. And don't make it about the money.

On the plus side - maybe this means his new family will be caretakers when he's older and he won't be a burden on your kids?

Thanks for this. He has told the kids, and while they don’t seem excited, it’s not imminent. He needs to be able to retire to make this possible and he is not there yet.

[Anonymous]

I don't think my kids would miss him, to be honest. It's actually a great time for an ex to leave, because the kids will be in college and enjoying more independence. I promise you that time in a young adult's life is probably when they miss their parents the least!

I think you're transferring a lot of your own past feelings about his abandonment onto this future event, OP. Work on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think my kids would miss him, to be honest. It's actually a great time for an ex to leave, because the kids will be in college and enjoying more independence. I promise you that time in a young adult's life is probably when they miss their parents the least!

I think you're transferring a lot of your own past feelings about his abandonment onto this future event, OP. Work on that.

Me again.

Also, as an expatriate myself, remember that this might not come to pass - it's actually very challenging to move to a different country, get the visa or residency, find work or even just retire and find a place to live and get acclimated. Chances are, it won't happen. Or he'll leave and then return because it doesn't actually suit him.

So don't make this into a bigger deal than it is.

[Anonymous]

You have to save tomorrow's problems for tomorrow. Who knows what happens between now and then. There isn't really much you can do about it now. I would think it would be best if the kids knew that this was the plan, but none of this is really yours to handle. Other than I guess to possibly consider the fact that your kids might move to the area where he is.

What are your fears that are coming up here? Try not to assume what their reactions will be or how they'll feel about it. Chances are, if they really were super close, your ex wouldn't want to leave them and he'd want to be a more regular part of their lives as they move into adulthood. So as much as it may seem like they are going to be devastated or upset, it might not be so, or might not last long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to save tomorrow's problems for tomorrow. Who knows what happens between now and then. There isn't really much you can do about it now. I would think it would be best if the kids knew that this was the plan, but none of this is really yours to handle. Other than I guess to possibly consider the fact that your kids might move to the area where he is.

What are your fears that are coming up here? Try not to assume what their reactions will be or how they'll feel about it. Chances are, if they really were super close, your ex wouldn't want to leave them and he'd want to be a more regular part of their lives as they move into adulthood. So as much as it may seem like they are going to be devastated or upset, it might not be so, or might not last long.

She’s worried about money. The kids live with her and see him a few times a week for a few hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to save tomorrow's problems for tomorrow. Who knows what happens between now and then. There isn't really much you can do about it now. I would think it would be best if the kids knew that this was the plan, but none of this is really yours to handle. Other than I guess to possibly consider the fact that your kids might move to the area where he is.

What are your fears that are coming up here? Try not to assume what their reactions will be or how they'll feel about it. Chances are, if they really were super close, your ex wouldn't want to leave them and he'd want to be a more regular part of their lives as they move into adulthood. So as much as it may seem like they are going to be devastated or upset, it might not be so, or might not last long.

She’s worried about money. The kids live with her and see him a few times a week for a few hours.

Worried about money?
You keep posting this. Support your hypothesis please, or shut up. Child support ends at 18 no matter where ex husband goes. OP said college is settled. If your comment was about inheritance, that was never going to go to OP in any case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the harsh reality, OP.

My kids are nearly 21 and 23 now.

They are one reason I've kept my house even though I was interested in moving. I figured they needed a home to come home to.

The reality is, they're rarely here. Maybe a couple of weeks in May before they've gone off to work at camps or internships. Then at Christmas. They want to spend Spring Break with their friends.

My oldest graduated from university in May and moved to Manhattan. She's been home once or twice but she's settled in.

My youngest did study abroad over Christmas break. She split her time before she went between mine and her mother's.

I'm an empty nester now. I've basically been one since the youngest left for college about three months after her 18th birthday.

I have other reasons for needing to remain here now, but if I could move somewhere else, I absolutely would. It's not much difference for the kids to come visit me here or in some new place.

This is what an Empty Nest is like. You need to wrap your head around it. Life is an adventure. If their father moves overseas, they will go visit. I doubt they'll see a whole lot less of him than they do now. And they'll have a whole new area to explore.

They live with mom, see dad what an hour or two a few times a week? This is about OP, not the kids. When they go home they will be with mom, not dad. So in a week visit they will see dad twice for an hour and she expects him to stay close for that a few times a year?

Are you slow? They won't be with the mother, either. They'll be starting their own lives.

Are you just that mean your kids don’t come home? Most go home holidays and summers and these kids would stay with mom, not dad.

No, I am saying that’s not true. Most are doing internships in summer and maybe study abroad over Christmas break. As they move through college the spend less and less time going home. Which is how it should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the harsh reality, OP.

My kids are nearly 21 and 23 now.

They are one reason I've kept my house even though I was interested in moving. I figured they needed a home to come home to.

The reality is, they're rarely here. Maybe a couple of weeks in May before they've gone off to work at camps or internships. Then at Christmas. They want to spend Spring Break with their friends.

My oldest graduated from university in May and moved to Manhattan. She's been home once or twice but she's settled in.

My youngest did study abroad over Christmas break. She split her time before she went between mine and her mother's.

I'm an empty nester now. I've basically been one since the youngest left for college about three months after her 18th birthday.

I have other reasons for needing to remain here now, but if I could move somewhere else, I absolutely would. It's not much difference for the kids to come visit me here or in some new place.

This is what an Empty Nest is like. You need to wrap your head around it. Life is an adventure. If their father moves overseas, they will go visit. I doubt they'll see a whole lot less of him than they do now. And they'll have a whole new area to explore.

They live with mom, see dad what an hour or two a few times a week? This is about OP, not the kids. When they go home they will be with mom, not dad. So in a week visit they will see dad twice for an hour and she expects him to stay close for that a few times a year?

Are you slow? They won't be with the mother, either. They'll be starting their own lives.

Are you just that mean your kids don’t come home? Most go home holidays and summers and these kids would stay with mom, not dad.

No, I am saying that’s not true. Most are doing internships in summer and maybe study abroad over Christmas break. As they move through college the spend less and less time going home. Which is how it should be.

No, home should always be their base and internships are usually near the parent’s homes to save cost. But, mom has custody dad has visits so kids stay with mom so it’s a nonissue. I’d expect my kids home summers and holidays and I’m not paying for trips during college.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he values getting his dick wet over his children.

Some people shouldnt be parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to save tomorrow's problems for tomorrow. Who knows what happens between now and then. There isn't really much you can do about it now. I would think it would be best if the kids knew that this was the plan, but none of this is really yours to handle. Other than I guess to possibly consider the fact that your kids might move to the area where he is.

What are your fears that are coming up here? Try not to assume what their reactions will be or how they'll feel about it. Chances are, if they really were super close, your ex wouldn't want to leave them and he'd want to be a more regular part of their lives as they move into adulthood. So as much as it may seem like they are going to be devastated or upset, it might not be so, or might not last long.

She’s worried about money. The kids live with her and see him a few times a week for a few hours.

OP said she was NOT worried about money.