Ex moving to another country after kids turn 18

[Anonymous]

Ex says he doesn’t want to live here anymore and plans to move to another country and marry a woman he met there while working. This would happen as soon as our kids turn 18.
I am quite sure this will be devastating for our kids, even when they become adults. I’m 47 and my dad is a very important part of my life and I don’t see that kind of relationship happening between kids and ex if ex moves to another country.

It hits hard, especially since we moved to this area when the kids were little (away from my family) in order for ex to live his best life in his dream job. And now the kids are teens, and this is all they know.

I know there isn’t really anything I can do about it. It isn’t so much about his repartnering (as I have also repartnered) but his moving to another country 14 hour flight away and potentially starting a new family (even though he really doesn’t want more kids)
I just feel this is going to be much harder on the kids than if this woman were to move here, but she seems to have a good life where she is and does not want to.

Anyone BTDT?

[Anonymous]

Does he see the kids now? Its none of your business. You move on, so he should get to move on. They can visit or he can visit them here. They will be away at school and will not see him that much if they spend holidays and summers with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he see the kids now? Its none of your business. You move on, so he should get to move on. They can visit or he can visit them here. They will be away at school and will not see him that much if they spend holidays and summers with you.

Yes, he does. We each provide about 50% of support and he sees them multiple times a week.
Again, I know there isn’t anything I can do about it but it will hurt my kids emotionally. There is a difference between moving on with a new partner and staying in the kids lives, and moving to another country and starting a new life that doesn’t include them. None of us are wealthy and airfares would be a significant expense for my kids or my ex and I’m afraid the result will be he will gradually just recede out of their lives and they will be disinherited.

I am not asking what to do about this, but how to help my kids cope, and hoping to hear from others who have BTDT, what to expect, etc. So the “MYOB” isn’t relevant here.

I’m sorry for you if either of your parents walked out of your life when you were 18. That sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he see the kids now? Its none of your business. You move on, so he should get to move on. They can visit or he can visit them here. They will be away at school and will not see him that much if they spend holidays and summers with you.

Yes, he does. We each provide about 50% of support and he sees them multiple times a week.
Again, I know there isn’t anything I can do about it but it will hurt my kids emotionally. There is a difference between moving on with a new partner and staying in the kids lives, and moving to another country and starting a new life that doesn’t include them. None of us are wealthy and airfares would be a significant expense for my kids or my ex and I’m afraid the result will be he will gradually just recede out of their lives and they will be disinherited.

I am not asking what to do about this, but how to help my kids cope, and hoping to hear from others who have BTDT, what to expect, etc. So the “MYOB” isn’t relevant here.

I’m sorry for you if either of your parents walked out of your life when you were 18. That sucks.

Seeing the kids a few times a week isn't really parenting. It's a visit, like you would to a friend or relative. He probably doesn't have the parenting bond with them as he's had restricted access.

You are worried about money, not the kids, if it's about inheritance. They will be fine. He's not walking out on them, he's making a change as the kids will be at college and with you holidays/summers so it's not as important for him to live by you, except for you to control his life. You moved on with a new partner and are upset he's moving on too.

[Anonymous]

Your kids are 18, and presumably will be away at college. How often would they see your ex even if he were to remain here?

Honestly, this type of man would not see his adult kids very much anyways even if he were to stay here. He will be wrapped up with his new wife and new kids, if they have any.

If he were the type of dad who wanted to see his kids, he'd stay here and have the woman come live here.

FWIW, my spouse and I plan on spending a lot of time overseas, maybe even move there once our youngest is out of college, but we would be back during breaks while they are still in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ex says he doesn’t want to live here anymore and plans to move to another country and marry a woman he met there while working. This would happen as soon as our kids turn 18.
I am quite sure this will be devastating for our kids, even when they become adults. I’m 47 and my dad is a very important part of my life and I don’t see that kind of relationship happening between kids and ex if ex moves to another country.

It hits hard, especially since we moved to this area when the kids were little (away from my family) in order for ex to live his best life in his dream job. And now the kids are teens, and this is all they know.

I know there isn’t really anything I can do about it. It isn’t so much about his repartnering (as I have also repartnered) but his moving to another country 14 hour flight away and potentially starting a new family (even though he really doesn’t want more kids)
I just feel this is going to be much harder on the kids than if this woman were to move here, but she seems to have a good life where she is and does not want to.

Anyone BTDT?

I am divorced. Divorced men say a lot of things and it rarely pans out. Don't borrow trouble. Go about your life.

[Anonymous]

Here's the harsh reality, OP.

My kids are nearly 21 and 23 now.

They are one reason I've kept my house even though I was interested in moving. I figured they needed a home to come home to.

The reality is, they're rarely here. Maybe a couple of weeks in May before they've gone off to work at camps or internships. Then at Christmas. They want to spend Spring Break with their friends.

My oldest graduated from university in May and moved to Manhattan. She's been home once or twice but she's settled in.

My youngest did study abroad over Christmas break. She split her time before she went between mine and her mother's.

I'm an empty nester now. I've basically been one since the youngest left for college about three months after her 18th birthday.

I have other reasons for needing to remain here now, but if I could move somewhere else, I absolutely would. It's not much difference for the kids to come visit me here or in some new place.

This is what an Empty Nest is like. You need to wrap your head around it. Life is an adventure. If their father moves overseas, they will go visit. I doubt they'll see a whole lot less of him than they do now. And they'll have a whole new area to explore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are 18, and presumably will be away at college. How often would they see your ex even if he were to remain here?

Honestly, this type of man would not see his adult kids very much anyways even if he were to stay here. He will be wrapped up with his new wife and new kids, if they have any.

If he were the type of dad who wanted to see his kids, he'd stay here and have the woman come live here.

FWIW, my spouse and I plan on spending a lot of time overseas, maybe even move there once our youngest is out of college, but we would be back during breaks while they are still in college.

I know this is the truth, and it is breaking my heart. My own parents are also divorced but my dad would go to the ends of the earth if that’s what it took to have a relationship with us kids.

[Anonymous]

Your kids will go to college and likely won't be seeing you or dad multiple times a week anyways. Most kids move away from their parents for college.

Dad can fly kids over for a couple school breaks during the year.

I think it is weirder that you would follow your kids around to be sure you are right near them while they are at college and to insist on seeing them mulitple times a week. You are overly enmeshed and codependent on your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kids will go to college and likely won't be seeing you or dad multiple times a week anyways. Most kids move away from their parents for college.

Dad can fly kids over for a couple school breaks during the year.

I think it is weirder that you would follow your kids around to be sure you are right near them while they are at college and to insist on seeing them mulitple times a week. You are overly enmeshed and codependent on your kids.

More than likely, he won't keep up with seeing his kids. He may the first year, but as time goes on, especially if he has kids with the other woman, he won't be seeing his kids much.

This is not the type of man who prioritizes his relationship with his kids.

[Anonymous]

If they want to stay close with him, video calls are effortless. Really. This is the easiest time in history to be thousands of miles away.

I distrust guys that have 2nd families. Let him do what he wants and forget about it. Your kids can Zoom or FaceTime as they see fit.

[Anonymous]

When will they turn 18y/o? If it isn’t soon, your ex may never move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are 18, and presumably will be away at college. How often would they see your ex even if he were to remain here?

Honestly, this type of man would not see his adult kids very much anyways even if he were to stay here. He will be wrapped up with his new wife and new kids, if they have any.

If he were the type of dad who wanted to see his kids, he'd stay here and have the woman come live here.

FWIW, my spouse and I plan on spending a lot of time overseas, maybe even move there once our youngest is out of college, but we would be back during breaks while they are still in college.

I know this is the truth, and it is breaking my heart. My own parents are also divorced but my dad would go to the ends of the earth if that’s what it took to have a relationship with us kids.

It is very said, but a lot of men really don't care about keeping up the relationship with their older children, even if they live in this country. I've said this before: most men just shouldn't have kids. They don't really want to give up their selfish lifestyle for their children.

[Anonymous]

There are more ways to stay connected than there used to be. Sure it’s not the same but the kids are legally adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they want to stay close with him, video calls are effortless. Really. This is the easiest time in history to be thousands of miles away.

I distrust guys that have 2nd families. Let him do what he wants and forget about it. Your kids can Zoom or FaceTime as they see fit.

as they say, virtual isn't the same as face to face. I do virtual visits with my elderly parents throughout the year because they live on the other side of the country, but I still visit them once a year.