Is a divorce supposed to be kept quiet until it’s final?

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids?

Of course tell your support system but don’t make it your identity and center this in every conversation.

DON’T TALK TO HIM unless absolutely necessary. Don’t text back.

He left and until there’s a parenting agreement he’s abandoned the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let him be mad. Don't give it another thought.

It's one thing to keep it quiet when both parties are still deciding what to do, but if he's filed then the decision is made.

Ok- that makes a lot of sense and actually explains to me where DH was coming from. I think that he confused those two parts and in his mind the filing-to-settlement timeline is equivalent to the contemplation-to-filling time period.

He argued that “no one needs to know what’s going on until we have a settlement and know how things will work.” I’m sure that makes sense to him since he is not the primary parent and is probably only worried about finances and housing, neither of which will be resolved until the end.

He also asked if I wanted to go to counseling when he told me he had filed. I don’t think he understands how decisive the act of filing was! Crazy to think that he may have seen it as a signal of possible future intent rather than a decision.

If this was the case and he was open to working things out then he would have told you what was actually wrong.

Nobody “accidentally” files for divorce.

Nobody “accidentally” moves out of their house.

Nobody “accidentally” leaves their family.

This guy knows what divorce means. That’s what he wants and he’s doing everything to make it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. I agree no one needs to know until it is final. All it does is invite opinions and drama. No one was told until our divorce was done except our parents and siblings. We were separated for two years.

That’s fine if that’s what you wanted to do, but it’s not standard in any way. I told most people and got zero drama. But I also didn’t share the actual details with anyone other than close friends. But of course other people need to know - the school for one so they know your kids are going through something; kid’s friend’s parents because they will be sending their kids to a different house sometimes; told my boss because I needed some time off work.

I disagree. I did not tell the school. I absolutely did not tell work. We were separated in the same (big) house. We told the kids when it was final and another house was purchased. Only then did work or school find out. Our parents and siblings knew because holidays became separate. I was not inviting any judgment into it by telling people before a divorce was final.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. I agree no one needs to know until it is final. All it does is invite opinions and drama. No one was told until our divorce was done except our parents and siblings. We were separated for two years.

That’s fine if that’s what you wanted to do, but it’s not standard in any way. I told most people and got zero drama. But I also didn’t share the actual details with anyone other than close friends. But of course other people need to know - the school for one so they know your kids are going through something; kid’s friend’s parents because they will be sending their kids to a different house sometimes; told my boss because I needed some time off work.

I disagree. I did not tell the school. I absolutely did not tell work. We were separated in the same (big) house. We told the kids when it was final and another house was purchased. Only then did work or school find out. Our parents and siblings knew because holidays became separate. I was not inviting any judgment into it by telling people before a divorce was final.

That’s fine for you but most people find it more mentally healthy not to act like it is a huge secret. And of course people would judge either way if they found out before or after. I do think it’s better for your kids to tell the school though so they can support your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything makes sense but why would you change emergency contacts etc you aren't divorced

Agree. I would change them back ASAP. otherwise it is going to look like parental alienation. Just add a 3rd contact if you are worried. It’s not your job to make sure he updates his contact info with the basketball team. Talk about the divorce all you want but be very very careful about doing anything that could be construed as blocking access to the kids or smearing his reputation.

I thought she said his contact info changed. If his contact info changed it needs to be updated

Not OP’s job. That is between the school and STBxDH. She should absolutely not interfere in the relationship between school and dad. The school will call OP eventually if there is an issue.

This. OP, fix that with the school. If you’re concerned he won’t be reachable if they call him after failing to get ahold of you, add a third trusted emergency contact.

You are very entitled to tell people you and your STBX are getting a divorce. Think about not sharing gory details with anyone who might have a future ongoing relationship with him apart from you. For example, don’t tell a coach that he left you for another woman, or don’t tell a teacher that he’s having an affair. Save those details for your personal inner circle.