Is a divorce supposed to be kept quiet until it’s final?

[Anonymous]

I am divorced. I agree no one needs to know until it is final. All it does is invite opinions and drama. No one was told until our divorce was done except our parents and siblings. We were separated for two years.

[Anonymous]

His emotions aren’t your problem anymore :@ what you need to do. Whether he gets Big Mad or not is immaterial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope you have a lawyer and if you don't you should get one, yesterday.

"I hear that you are upset which I understand because I am upset for different reasons, outside of my control. But I am not sharing anything with anyone besides my own personal experience. From this point forward, if you want to communicate please do so through my attorney's office - here is their information."

No, don’t follow dumb DCUM scripts like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The discard. I experienced too
He’s having an affair. Look at detailed cell phone bill or credit card bills and you will see it
Get a strong aggressive lawyer asap and get copies of all your bank accounts and investment accounts asap

And tell everyone, so people can offer help which you need.
My explanation to people was short- He left us for his coworker mistress. It’s amazing and so sad how many women you’ll meet who went through the same

No. While I agree he probably is probably having an affair, unless you live in Virginia don’t bother playing Nancy Drew. And you certainly don’t run around telling others this, even if you know it to be true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The discard. I experienced too
He’s having an affair. Look at detailed cell phone bill or credit card bills and you will see it
Get a strong aggressive lawyer asap and get copies of all your bank accounts and investment accounts asap

And tell everyone, so people can offer help which you need.
My explanation to people was short- He left us for his coworker mistress. It’s amazing and so sad how many women you’ll meet who went through the same

No. While I agree he probably is probably having an affair, unless you live in Virginia don’t bother playing Nancy Drew. And you certainly don’t run around telling others this, even if you know it to be true.

Says the cheater.
Cheaters like to silence their victims. Don’t fall for it. Tell all your trusted family and friends and Get all the moral and logistical support you need.

[Anonymous]

He sounds stupid.
Not good to be married to stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You mad bro?

Seriously, eff him.

On the other hand, I was quiet about the private details of my divorce and I'm cool with how things have shaken out 2 year later, because its been a lot easier to maintain mutual couple friends and for our kids because neither of us made things awkward by going scorched earth.

She’s not going scorched earth though.

She’s just telling the other parents in the neighborhood and the basketball team that he filed for divorce and left when she explains why she wants help with carpool or can’t reciprocate play dates right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. I agree no one needs to know until it is final. All it does is invite opinions and drama. No one was told until our divorce was done except our parents and siblings. We were separated for two years.

That’s fine if that’s what you wanted to do, but it’s not standard in any way. I told most people and got zero drama. But I also didn’t share the actual details with anyone other than close friends. But of course other people need to know - the school for one so they know your kids are going through something; kid’s friend’s parents because they will be sending their kids to a different house sometimes; told my boss because I needed some time off work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s crazy. And he’s got you doubting yourself. He can pound sand if he’s not communicating with you about the kids or engaging with you about making any kind of routine.

You might want to add his name again to the emergency contacts but absolutely let the school know that he may not be reliable because he doesn’t keep in touch with you. Suggest that [whoever your replacements were] may be a better backup and ask them to note this info for future use.

Or, better yet, ask your lawyer how to handle it. And if you don’t already have a lawyer, get one TOMORROW. And document document document what your DH has done and is doing. Get as much as you can in email and text messages with him. Recap your phone conversations in follow-up emails to him. Keep track of dates, words, actions.

From what you describe, my mind went to him having some kind of mental health situation. Good luck with it all.

I would not do anything at all wrt the school - that is interfering with legal custody issue and could come back and bite you. I would restore the emergency contacts the way they were and at most add another person to them. Schools never call dads anyway and they will just go down the list.

[Anonymous]

Everything makes sense but why would you change emergency contacts etc you aren't divorced

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everything makes sense but why would you change emergency contacts etc you aren't divorced

Agree. I would change them back ASAP. otherwise it is going to look like parental alienation. Just add a 3rd contact if you are worried. It’s not your job to make sure he updates his contact info with the basketball team. Talk about the divorce all you want but be very very careful about doing anything that could be construed as blocking access to the kids or smearing his reputation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything makes sense but why would you change emergency contacts etc you aren't divorced

Agree. I would change them back ASAP. otherwise it is going to look like parental alienation. Just add a 3rd contact if you are worried. It’s not your job to make sure he updates his contact info with the basketball team. Talk about the divorce all you want but be very very careful about doing anything that could be construed as blocking access to the kids or smearing his reputation.

I thought she said his contact info changed. If his contact info changed it needs to be updated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let him be mad. Don't give it another thought.

It's one thing to keep it quiet when both parties are still deciding what to do, but if he's filed then the decision is made.

Ok- that makes a lot of sense and actually explains to me where DH was coming from. I think that he confused those two parts and in his mind the filing-to-settlement timeline is equivalent to the contemplation-to-filling time period.

He argued that “no one needs to know what’s going on until we have a settlement and know how things will work.” I’m sure that makes sense to him since he is not the primary parent and is probably only worried about finances and housing, neither of which will be resolved until the end.

He also asked if I wanted to go to counseling when he told me he had filed. I don’t think he understands how decisive the act of filing was! Crazy to think that he may have seen it as a signal of possible future intent rather than a decision.

If this was the case and he was open to working things out then he would have told you what was actually wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything makes sense but why would you change emergency contacts etc you aren't divorced

Agree. I would change them back ASAP. otherwise it is going to look like parental alienation. Just add a 3rd contact if you are worried. It’s not your job to make sure he updates his contact info with the basketball team. Talk about the divorce all you want but be very very careful about doing anything that could be construed as blocking access to the kids or smearing his reputation.

I thought she said his contact info changed. If his contact info changed it needs to be updated

Not OP’s job. That is between the school and STBxDH. She should absolutely not interfere in the relationship between school and dad. The school will call OP eventually if there is an issue.

[Anonymous]

Whatever supports your and your kids' mental health.