Is a divorce supposed to be kept quiet until it’s final?

[Anonymous]

I hope you have a lawyer and if you don't you should get one, yesterday.

"I hear that you are upset which I understand because I am upset for different reasons, outside of my control. But I am not sharing anything with anyone besides my own personal experience. From this point forward, if you want to communicate please do so through my attorney's office - here is their information."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let him be mad. Don't give it another thought.

It's one thing to keep it quiet when both parties are still deciding what to do, but if he's filed then the decision is made.

Ok- that makes a lot of sense and actually explains to me where DH was coming from. I think that he confused those two parts and in his mind the filing-to-settlement timeline is equivalent to the contemplation-to-filling time period.

He argued that “no one needs to know what’s going on until we have a settlement and know how things will work.” I’m sure that makes sense to him since he is not the primary parent and is probably only worried about finances and housing, neither of which will be resolved until the end.

He also asked if I wanted to go to counseling when he told me he had filed. I don’t think he understands how decisive the act of filing was! Crazy to think that he may have seen it as a signal of possible future intent rather than a decision.

Do you think there's any chance he wants to reconcile and was dramatically trying to get your attention?

Or if there's an affair but he was willing to be separated and not fully divorced for a long time so the new person can't pressure him into marrying?

He owes you some clarity that only he can provide.

No idea about any of the above. After his counseling question he basically stopped replying to any kind of communication, even about the kids. My assumption is than he flinched in a panic once it was real but then doubled down, but who knows. I don’t think a long term separation was the goal because he’s really trying to rush the divorce process.

Men seldom leave without a woman waiting in the wings. Don’t be surprised if this happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let him be mad. Don't give it another thought.

It's one thing to keep it quiet when both parties are still deciding what to do, but if he's filed then the decision is made.

Ok- that makes a lot of sense and actually explains to me where DH was coming from. I think that he confused those two parts and in his mind the filing-to-settlement timeline is equivalent to the contemplation-to-filling time period.

He argued that “no one needs to know what’s going on until we have a settlement and know how things will work.” I’m sure that makes sense to him since he is not the primary parent and is probably only worried about finances and housing, neither of which will be resolved until the end.

He also asked if I wanted to go to counseling when he told me he had filed. I don’t think he understands how decisive the act of filing was! Crazy to think that he may have seen it as a signal of possible future intent rather than a decision.

Do you think there's any chance he wants to reconcile and was dramatically trying to get your attention?

Or if there's an affair but he was willing to be separated and not fully divorced for a long time so the new person can't pressure him into marrying?

He owes you some clarity that only he can provide.

No idea about any of the above. After his counseling question he basically stopped replying to any kind of communication, even about the kids. My assumption is than he flinched in a panic once it was real but then doubled down, but who knows. I don’t think a long term separation was the goal because he’s really trying to rush the divorce process.

Men seldom leave without a woman waiting in the wings. Don’t be surprised if this happens.

A few weeks ago that would have been a nightmare scenario, but in some ways I can now see that it would be a gift. I know that sounds nuts.

[Anonymous]

My advice is . . . stop worrying about what he thinks or feels. You didn't cause it, you can't change it, you can't cure it. He wanted you to let go of him, so ta da, that's what you're doing. Who cares how he feels about the consequences.

My ex blindsided me fall of 2024. We're now divorced. He was anxious to be with the kids, though, so that's different. But he was definitely naive about what people were going to think. And yes, I discovered the other woman after about 6 weeks.

Just today he was texting me how "very disappointed and annoyed" he is that his boiler broke. Um sir, this is a Wendy's. Gray rock. A man like that is never going to figure out how to behave normally or have good boundaries on his own.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are behaving normally and as expected. Good for you for reaching out for support for you and the kids.

You are soon going to find life so much better without this wildly inappropriate and unpredictable man taking up so much space in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice is . . . stop worrying about what he thinks or feels. You didn't cause it, you can't change it, you can't cure it. He wanted you to let go of him, so ta da, that's what you're doing. Who cares how he feels about the consequences.

My ex blindsided me fall of 2024. We're now divorced. He was anxious to be with the kids, though, so that's different. But he was definitely naive about what people were going to think. And yes, I discovered the other woman after about 6 weeks.

Just today he was texting me how "very disappointed and annoyed" he is that his boiler broke. Um sir, this is a Wendy's. Gray rock. A man like that is never going to figure out how to behave normally or have good boundaries on his own.

God stories like this make me crazy. May leaves you for another woman and still wants emotional support because life keeps lifeing. Also sir this is a Wendy's, lol.

[Anonymous]

Any chance he found proof of your affair?

[Anonymous]

This man isn’t stupid. He simply doesn’t want people to know he is a jerk. His feelings shouldn’t matter to you any more than your feelings mattered to him when he blindsided you.

[Anonymous]

The discard. I experienced too
He’s having an affair. Look at detailed cell phone bill or credit card bills and you will see it
Get a strong aggressive lawyer asap and get copies of all your bank accounts and investment accounts asap

And tell everyone, so people can offer help which you need.
My explanation to people was short- He left us for his coworker mistress. It’s amazing and so sad how many women you’ll meet who went through the same

[Anonymous]

He’s crazy. And he’s got you doubting yourself. He can pound sand if he’s not communicating with you about the kids or engaging with you about making any kind of routine.

You might want to add his name again to the emergency contacts but absolutely let the school know that he may not be reliable because he doesn’t keep in touch with you. Suggest that [whoever your replacements were] may be a better backup and ask them to note this info for future use.

Or, better yet, ask your lawyer how to handle it. And if you don’t already have a lawyer, get one TOMORROW. And document document document what your DH has done and is doing. Get as much as you can in email and text messages with him. Recap your phone conversations in follow-up emails to him. Keep track of dates, words, actions.

From what you describe, my mind went to him having some kind of mental health situation. Good luck with it all.

[Anonymous]

This happened to my sister. He’s a narcissist and doesn’t want people to think poorly of him. Courts look down on people who abandon their kids.

[Anonymous]

It’s publicly filed so what does he expect?

[Anonymous]

Tell your ex he can F himself. He doesn't get to make the rules. You didn't do anything wrong. You can be as private or as vocal as you like.

[Anonymous]

You mad bro?

Seriously, eff him.

On the other hand, I was quiet about the private details of my divorce and I'm cool with how things have shaken out 2 year later, because its been a lot easier to maintain mutual couple friends and for our kids because neither of us made things awkward by going scorched earth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's just angry because now people know he's a jerk.

+1


The best way for people to not think you're a jerk is to not act like a jerk.

He doesn't want to look like the bad guy. Don't worry about it and lawyer up.