Is a divorce supposed to be kept quiet until it’s final?

[Anonymous]

My DH unexpectedly filed for divorce. I don’t know why and he hasn’t told me. We weren’t separated or anything like that. We have kids. His legal action has upended our lives and launched us into a very confusing time. He moved out and has not been involved with the kids in a typical or even 50/50 way.

Naturally I have had to lean on friends and family for support, and have told them the basics: DH filed, I don’t know what will happen, no, I’m not aware of an affair, yes, I could use help driving to basketball practice.

DH is furious that I’ve told anyone at all. He’s mad that I have changed the order of emergency contacts for the kids’ schools and activities (since I don’t know where he is because he won’t share his travel plans) and mad that I have asked him to update info with school so they can reach him.

I think he expected me to pretend nothing was happening and to pretend that we all live together while the legal stuff unfolds.

I’m not disclosing family secrets or court filings or anything else, just explaining to people how our family logistics have changed and why so I can get the support I need. It’s going to be a really long process so I’m not sure how I could have kept it quiet.

Is this going to be held against me legally? I know DH holds it against me personally.

I haven’t known any divorced people while they were actively going through a divorce so now I’m questioning if I did something outside the norm.

[Anonymous]

Come on, OP. You can't seriously be asking this. Your spouse ups and leaves, and you're wondering if you have to protect his image and not say anything? You can tell him that he lost the rights to control the narrative when he chose to blow up his family.

[Anonymous]

Let him be mad. Don't give it another thought.

It's one thing to keep it quiet when both parties are still deciding what to do, but if he's filed then the decision is made.

[Anonymous]

Nothing will happen to you legally. Get the support you need. Reach out to family and friends. He just wants everything to still think he's a super awesome guy.

[Anonymous]

Just think about what the kids may hear from others. Presumably they already know, but there may be things you haven't shared with them yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let him be mad. Don't give it another thought.

It's one thing to keep it quiet when both parties are still deciding what to do, but if he's filed then the decision is made.

Ok- that makes a lot of sense and actually explains to me where DH was coming from. I think that he confused those two parts and in his mind the filing-to-settlement timeline is equivalent to the contemplation-to-filling time period.

He argued that “no one needs to know what’s going on until we have a settlement and know how things will work.” I’m sure that makes sense to him since he is not the primary parent and is probably only worried about finances and housing, neither of which will be resolved until the end.

He also asked if I wanted to go to counseling when he told me he had filed. I don’t think he understands how decisive the act of filing was! Crazy to think that he may have seen it as a signal of possible future intent rather than a decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Come on, OP. You can't seriously be asking this. Your spouse ups and leaves, and you're wondering if you have to protect his image and not say anything? You can tell him that he lost the rights to control the narrative when he chose to blow up his family.

Not asking if I have to protect his image, making sure that I’m not missing a normal way to behave. (I’m not dumb, but I’m blindsided and pretty confused so yes I’m seriously asking this.)

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure, but isn’t a divorce filing a public document? Anybody can see a public court document.

[Anonymous]

He's just angry because now people know he's a jerk.

[Anonymous]

OP - is your husband an immigrant? Perhaps he is unfamiliar with American divorce laws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - is your husband an immigrant? Perhaps he is unfamiliar with American divorce laws?

He actually is. He spent his childhood going back and forth between the U.S. and his parents’ birthplace. He officially immigrated after coming here for college. I hadn’t even thought about that, good point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure, but isn’t a divorce filing a public document? Anybody can see a public court document.

I think it’s public-ish. When I look it up in our county records I have to know our names to be able to search for it.

In the state where I grew up they used to publish it in the newspaper!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let him be mad. Don't give it another thought.

It's one thing to keep it quiet when both parties are still deciding what to do, but if he's filed then the decision is made.

Ok- that makes a lot of sense and actually explains to me where DH was coming from. I think that he confused those two parts and in his mind the filing-to-settlement timeline is equivalent to the contemplation-to-filling time period.

He argued that “no one needs to know what’s going on until we have a settlement and know how things will work.” I’m sure that makes sense to him since he is not the primary parent and is probably only worried about finances and housing, neither of which will be resolved until the end.

He also asked if I wanted to go to counseling when he told me he had filed. I don’t think he understands how decisive the act of filing was! Crazy to think that he may have seen it as a signal of possible future intent rather than a decision.

Do you think there's any chance he wants to reconcile and was dramatically trying to get your attention?

Or if there's an affair but he was willing to be separated and not fully divorced for a long time so the new person can't pressure him into marrying?

He owes you some clarity that only he can provide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let him be mad. Don't give it another thought.

It's one thing to keep it quiet when both parties are still deciding what to do, but if he's filed then the decision is made.

Ok- that makes a lot of sense and actually explains to me where DH was coming from. I think that he confused those two parts and in his mind the filing-to-settlement timeline is equivalent to the contemplation-to-filling time period.

He argued that “no one needs to know what’s going on until we have a settlement and know how things will work.” I’m sure that makes sense to him since he is not the primary parent and is probably only worried about finances and housing, neither of which will be resolved until the end.

He also asked if I wanted to go to counseling when he told me he had filed. I don’t think he understands how decisive the act of filing was! Crazy to think that he may have seen it as a signal of possible future intent rather than a decision.

Do you think there's any chance he wants to reconcile and was dramatically trying to get your attention?

Or if there's an affair but he was willing to be separated and not fully divorced for a long time so the new person can't pressure him into marrying?

He owes you some clarity that only he can provide.

No idea about any of the above. After his counseling question he basically stopped replying to any kind of communication, even about the kids. My assumption is than he flinched in a panic once it was real but then doubled down, but who knows. I don’t think a long term separation was the goal because he’s really trying to rush the divorce process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let him be mad. Don't give it another thought.

It's one thing to keep it quiet when both parties are still deciding what to do, but if he's filed then the decision is made.

Ok- that makes a lot of sense and actually explains to me where DH was coming from. I think that he confused those two parts and in his mind the filing-to-settlement timeline is equivalent to the contemplation-to-filling time period.

He argued that “no one needs to know what’s going on until we have a settlement and know how things will work.” I’m sure that makes sense to him since he is not the primary parent and is probably only worried about finances and housing, neither of which will be resolved until the end.

He also asked if I wanted to go to counseling when he told me he had filed. I don’t think he understands how decisive the act of filing was! Crazy to think that he may have seen it as a signal of possible future intent rather than a decision.

Guy here if that matters, but what I’d add is that from what you’ve told us he sounds either a bit dense or unhinged. So, while you don’t owe him anything in terms of keeping things quiet right now, it’s probably worth assuming you are the only rational adult in the situation and, with kids, you are playing for the long haul. So, yeah, you have every right to unload back at him for being an idiot expecting you to put his reputation ahead of the logistical help you need, but strategically it might work better for you to find a couple close girl friends to vent that with while you manage him with kid gloves (for your own benefit going forward).