Two spouses: a play

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of this extra shopping could be done on Amazon and be delivered in one day. It's not that difficult.

This sort of sums up why this is all so gross and problematic in the first place. Consumption for consumption’s sake, just because it’s so easy? Can’t afford not to put the kids in cheap throwaway green sweaters?

I agree but if it needs to be done quickly it can be done. All this extra stuff is only for a few years. And you don't want your child to left out.

[Anonymous]

Comments about characters: Wife needs to not be "noiseless" and express needs/wants ahead of the situation and then debrief after. In future, husband and wife can meet when not triggered to anticipate this kind of every-kid-has-something event and how will handle.

Comments about themes: Yes, world needs to stop using words like "hysterical", "manipulative" and most of all "selfish" around women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Act 4: cue acrimonious divorce, where wife ends up paying husband a ridiculous amount of child support for him to “maintain their lifestyle” but wife still does everything for the kids. Husband pads his retirement account. Wife shops for and purchases all clothing for said holiday performances. Husband continues to do nothing but show up.

Oh yes- my divorce lawyer said- “women get pissed when they get divorced that their husband, who contributed nothing during the marriage, continue to contribute nothing after the marriage.

Oh wait this isn’t a play it’s my real freaking life 😑😑😑

At least I don’t still have to b*ng him

Pretty much this.

Deadbeat Disney married dad continues to be a deadbeat Disney divorced Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There definitely seems like a distinct lack of conversation here around who is doing what in this particular play.

But, I also think all this dictating of exactly what kids have to wear for events by the powers that be is madness. In our school, I find the teachers often don’t mention the dress code until the Monday of the week you need it — instead of the week before when normal people could coordinate over the weekend. It makes me totally insane. For example, I’m the mom who travels for work and also makes virtually all our income. But suddenly, my kid tells me Monday night (when I’m in Chicago) that she needs a red dress for Thursday. I’m getting home late Tuesday night and have to work Wednesday. So, the first chance I would have to deal with this is really Wednesday night. And the performance is Thursday!! So, I’m telling my husband that in addition to solo parenting on Monday and Tuesday night for our 16 year old who has a rare genetic disorder and is cognitively a baby (he has to feed her, change her diaper, etc), he needs to drag her out to the store with the other kid to look for the special red dress that she now needs. Or we have to convince my kid to wear some garbage dress that we can overnight from Amazon, which she won’t be happy with and is just bad for the environment since she will never wear it again.

This whole situation is ridiculously unfavorable to the less wealthy. Frankly, I have plenty of money and I’m not interested in buying some one off thing my kid will probably refuse to wear again.

And those of you who think this crap isn’t a pain in the butt mystify me. Of course, doing this one time isn’t the end of the world. But the intensive parenting that is a monster created by our current culture is very challenging. And even though I’m a pretty ardent feminist, Phyllis Shafly wasn’t totally wrong to question why women would want to go to work and do all the work of a housewife. We taught women they could bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan. No one said to the men, “hey, you are really going to have to learn to make the breakfast for your whole family proactively just because you know it has to be done.” I would argue I have one of the most equitable marriages out there, but studies show over and over that my life is the anomaly.

What consequences will the school impose if your child is unable to procure a red dress?

Known but then your child feels left out and weird.

You are talking to someone who does not care about the feelings of their own little children.

You can’t expect them to empathize with random people on the internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who organized all these events to begin with? Start there.

There are a million threads on General Parenting complaining about the schools organizing all of this stuff. Not only do you need to do all of this, but there are 14 different apps and emails where this information is located.

It's mostly women creating work for other women. If the men ran the schools there would be none of this at all. No Amazon wish lists for class parties, no wearing special socks on special sock day, no coordinated outfits, no twinning day, and all the other nonsense that the mental load carriers like to complain about.

Traditions suck and so do well rounded people.

Just send the kids to school and then home for 6 hours of screen time. No problem. Easy peasy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly

Wife does not want to communicate with family to improve her situation; wife wants to be miserable and complain.

As if asking and reminding someone who doesn’t care works so well. The husband gets grumpy and mad at any request. He’s busy, he’s too important, who cares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Gift card. It takes 15 seconds to pick one at a gas station.

This is only a problem if you want the experience of shopping for a gift. If it's about you, then deal with the load you are putting on yourself and stop asking for validation and credit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Gift card. It takes 15 seconds to pick one at a gas station.

This is only a problem if you want the experience of shopping for a gift. If it's about you, then deal with the load you are putting on yourself and stop asking for validation and credit.

Exactly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly

Wife does not want to communicate with family to improve her situation; wife wants to be miserable and complain.

Of course she’s miserable, her life partner cannot or will not parent, manage the house, or contribute any effort to the household.

So unless the kids should all take it in the chin and do nothing, she does it solo. Every single day.

I doubt he even thanks her. It would make him look too frequently like a Do Nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Gift card. It takes 15 seconds to pick one at a gas station.

This is only a problem if you want the experience of shopping for a gift. If it's about you, then deal with the load you are putting on yourself and stop asking for validation and credit.

Too bad Dad can’t read his emails, “step up”, and do just that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

1. Kids are quite capable of choosing a birthday gift.
2. Amazon isn't the only option.
3. If you insist on Amazon there are parameters
4. This mental load is actually you creating a problem based on your need for control another branch of martyrdom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There definitely seems like a distinct lack of conversation here around who is doing what in this particular play.

But, I also think all this dictating of exactly what kids have to wear for events by the powers that be is madness. In our school, I find the teachers often don’t mention the dress code until the Monday of the week you need it — instead of the week before when normal people could coordinate over the weekend. It makes me totally insane. For example, I’m the mom who travels for work and also makes virtually all our income. But suddenly, my kid tells me Monday night (when I’m in Chicago) that she needs a red dress for Thursday. I’m getting home late Tuesday night and have to work Wednesday. So, the first chance I would have to deal with this is really Wednesday night. And the performance is Thursday!! So, I’m telling my husband that in addition to solo parenting on Monday and Tuesday night for our 16 year old who has a rare genetic disorder and is cognitively a baby (he has to feed her, change her diaper, etc), he needs to drag her out to the store with the other kid to look for the special red dress that she now needs. Or we have to convince my kid to wear some garbage dress that we can overnight from Amazon, which she won’t be happy with and is just bad for the environment since she will never wear it again.

This whole situation is ridiculously unfavorable to the less wealthy. Frankly, I have plenty of money and I’m not interested in buying some one off thing my kid will probably refuse to wear again.

And those of you who think this crap isn’t a pain in the butt mystify me. Of course, doing this one time isn’t the end of the world. But the intensive parenting that is a monster created by our current culture is very challenging. And even though I’m a pretty ardent feminist, Phyllis Shafly wasn’t totally wrong to question why women would want to go to work and do all the work of a housewife. We taught women they could bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan. No one said to the men, “hey, you are really going to have to learn to make the breakfast for your whole family proactively just because you know it has to be done.” I would argue I have one of the most equitable marriages out there, but studies show over and over that my life is the anomaly.

What consequences will the school impose if your child is unable to procure a red dress?

Known but then your child feels left out and weird.

You are talking to someone who does not care about the feelings of their own little children.

You can’t expect them to empathize with random people on the internet.

PP I simply asked about any school consequences. I have not expressed an opinion on the child feeling left out, which merits a further nuanced discussion on balances the child's feelings and family resources.

Your emotionally manipulative comment is not worth a response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Lol, right? That person’s kids also buy their own clothes.
They can’t bake cookies though…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Gift card. It takes 15 seconds to pick one at a gas station.

This is only a problem if you want the experience of shopping for a gift. If it's about you, then deal with the load you are putting on yourself and stop asking for validation and credit.

Too bad Dad can’t read his emails, “step up”, and do just that.

Why are you so afraid of your child having responsibility?