How to Not Be the MIL who doesn't accept DIL

[Anonymous]

Is he happy with her? Is she kind? There are other qualities that are important to long term relationship health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I would like my kids to marry someone similar to them - college graduates, or professional. She is good looking and seems nice however she has nothing going for her. No college, trade or skill. She's been working for some years in low wage jobs, lives at home and doesn't even own a car. Her family doesn't have much money. Kids' friends in similar situations have figured out how to work and earn enough to buy a car. She knows how to spend though. I'm afraid he'll become a cash cow for her and possibly her family.

Thanks for providing more details. Now we can advise you: butt the hell out.

Ah the traditional gender role posters have arrived. OP, they will tell you if he is a good man he will pay for everything and take care of her in every way and put her feelings, thoughts and opinions ahead of his own. That his role in life is simply to please and worship his wife and his own needs, thoughts, opinions and feelings should never be voiced unless they are to support her. His job is to take on whatever stress and pressure she has so that she lives as stress free as possible, regardless of negative impacts on his physical or mental health. These are his problems to fix without ever allowing them to be present in the marriage. If she has any problems, it is all his fault and he needs to take responsibility for any choice or decision she makes that had a negative consequece. He also needs to continue to acknowledge the mental load of being a woman and how hard it is for women to do things like choose a movie or a restaurant or to make appointments so he needs to anticipate her needs and meet them before she even knows she has them so she doesn't have to have any mental pressures. His role is to fully sacrifice himself to serve her. Unless you agree with them, you will be attacked by these posters.

What are you even talking about lol?

Agreed. I support traditional gender roles and I don’t think this is how anyone would articulate them. PS - I’m a SAHW with a T5 undergrad and two advanced degrees. I’d be disappointed if one of my sons married someone with no college degree because that woman will be the mother of my grandkids (check the research on mother’s educational attainment). But I would suck it up… it’s a tough dating world out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I would like my kids to marry someone similar to them - college graduates, or professional. She is good looking and seems nice however she has nothing going for her. No college, trade or skill. She's been working for some years in low wage jobs, lives at home and doesn't even own a car. Her family doesn't have much money. Kids' friends in similar situations have figured out how to work and earn enough to buy a car. She knows how to spend though. I'm afraid he'll become a cash cow for her and possibly her family.

Looks like you didn’t do such a great job of raising your son to find a suitable partner.

+1. OP is trying to blame future DIL for her own mistakes. Go look in the mirror and try to be a better person, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I would like my kids to marry someone similar to them - college graduates, or professional. She is good looking and seems nice however she has nothing going for her. No college, trade or skill. She's been working for some years in low wage jobs, lives at home and doesn't even own a car. Her family doesn't have much money. Kids' friends in similar situations have figured out how to work and earn enough to buy a car. She knows how to spend though. I'm afraid he'll become a cash cow for her and possibly her family.

Thanks for providing more details. Now we can advise you: butt the hell out.

Ah the traditional gender role posters have arrived. OP, they will tell you if he is a good man he will pay for everything and take care of her in every way and put her feelings, thoughts and opinions ahead of his own. That his role in life is simply to please and worship his wife and his own needs, thoughts, opinions and feelings should never be voiced unless they are to support her. His job is to take on whatever stress and pressure she has so that she lives as stress free as possible, regardless of negative impacts on his physical or mental health. These are his problems to fix without ever allowing them to be present in the marriage. If she has any problems, it is all his fault and he needs to take responsibility for any choice or decision she makes that had a negative consequece. He also needs to continue to acknowledge the mental load of being a woman and how hard it is for women to do things like choose a movie or a restaurant or to make appointments so he needs to anticipate her needs and meet them before she even knows she has them so she doesn't have to have any mental pressures. His role is to fully sacrifice himself to serve her. Unless you agree with them, you will be attacked by these posters.

What are you even talking about lol?

Just reflecing the views based on posts of about 60% of the posters on here and they tend to be the most aggressive. Those are the views that are expressed the most in any relationship post. The butt out poster for example - the girlfriend shouldn't need to work or pay for anything or get an education as that is all OPs son's role so that poster thinks MIL is the one with the problem for not thinking that is great!

I’m the butt out poster and have three married children and one single one who’s in her late 30s and no plans to ever marry. I am very close to all of them and have an excellent relationship with all of the spouses as well.

I have a very simple rule when it comes to these things: if your kid has a partner and that partner is good to your kid and your kid is happy and isn’t asking you for money, that’s the end of the story. If your kid is single and happy and doesn’t ask you for money that’s also the end of the story. You can’t expect your kids to live exactly as you did or to choose the same partner that you would.

Once your kid is an adult and is independent you have no more right to interfere with their life decisions than you would with any other adult. Violate that rule at the real risk of ruining your relationship with them irreparably.

OP - that's a big part of it. Fresh out of school, we know what he was making and I don't know if that'll keep her happy. It takes 2 decent incomes to stay afloat here plus save to buy a house, car, etc.

No, I haven't posted before.

Does your son plan to stay wherever you are? Or is he planning to move to a place that’s less expensive? If he’s planning to stay in a place that is too expensive for him, the problem is that your son is dumb, not that his wife spends too much. Ask your son what he plans to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I would like my kids to marry someone similar to them - college graduates, or professional. She is good looking and seems nice however she has nothing going for her. No college, trade or skill. She's been working for some years in low wage jobs, lives at home and doesn't even own a car. Her family doesn't have much money. Kids' friends in similar situations have figured out how to work and earn enough to buy a car. She knows how to spend though. I'm afraid he'll become a cash cow for her and possibly her family.

Thanks for providing more details. Now we can advise you: butt the hell out.

Ah the traditional gender role posters have arrived. OP, they will tell you if he is a good man he will pay for everything and take care of her in every way and put her feelings, thoughts and opinions ahead of his own. That his role in life is simply to please and worship his wife and his own needs, thoughts, opinions and feelings should never be voiced unless they are to support her. His job is to take on whatever stress and pressure she has so that she lives as stress free as possible, regardless of negative impacts on his physical or mental health. These are his problems to fix without ever allowing them to be present in the marriage. If she has any problems, it is all his fault and he needs to take responsibility for any choice or decision she makes that had a negative consequece. He also needs to continue to acknowledge the mental load of being a woman and how hard it is for women to do things like choose a movie or a restaurant or to make appointments so he needs to anticipate her needs and meet them before she even knows she has them so she doesn't have to have any mental pressures. His role is to fully sacrifice himself to serve her. Unless you agree with them, you will be attacked by these posters.

What are you even talking about lol?

Just reflecing the views based on posts of about 60% of the posters on here and they tend to be the most aggressive. Those are the views that are expressed the most in any relationship post. The butt out poster for example - the girlfriend shouldn't need to work or pay for anything or get an education as that is all OPs son's role so that poster thinks MIL is the one with the problem for not thinking that is great!

I’m the butt out poster and have three married children and one single one who’s in her late 30s and no plans to ever marry. I am very close to all of them and have an excellent relationship with all of the spouses as well.

I have a very simple rule when it comes to these things: if your kid has a partner and that partner is good to your kid and your kid is happy and isn’t asking you for money, that’s the end of the story. If your kid is single and happy and doesn’t ask you for money that’s also the end of the story. You can’t expect your kids to live exactly as you did or to choose the same partner that you would.

Once your kid is an adult and is independent you have no more right to interfere with their life decisions than you would with any other adult. Violate that rule at the real risk of ruining your relationship with them irreparably.

OP - that's a big part of it. Fresh out of school, we know what he was making and I don't know if that'll keep her happy. It takes 2 decent incomes to stay afloat here plus save to buy a house, car, etc.

No, I haven't posted before.

Does your son plan to stay wherever you are? Or is he planning to move to a place that’s less expensive? If he’s planning to stay in a place that is too expensive for him, the problem is that your son is dumb, not that his wife spends too much. Ask your son what he plans to do.

[Anonymous]

Money is a huge aspect of a parternship but that is true at all income levels. You can make plenty and spend it all stupidly. If you feel that your son is not equipped to be financially responsible, maybe try and educate him on the matter. And encourage him to discuss finances and budget with his partner. That would be important even if she were wealthy by birth and had a high income. But this has nothing to do with the fact that you should treat his significant other kindly for everyone's sake. Why would you be rude and cold to her as she is being nice to you? It's bad manners and not good for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s a w***e?

A peripatetician. Or someone who beats the sidewalk.

I still don’t know what you are referring to. But I didn’t need to - your story was clear.

[Anonymous]

Dig very deeply and figure out why you are materialistic and a snob. You are afraid of something(s) your son is evidently not afraid of. They can move elsewhere, get roommates, drive very old cars, etc., and be very happy. I suspect you believe his choices reflect on you and you are embarrassed about his choices.

[Anonymous]

If you've raised your son to be smart and emotionally healthy, he will see how they aren't compatible and end it.

If you've raised him to only do what you say and conform to your expectations, well then, maybe not.

Either way, I'd keep your mouth shut.

[Anonymous]

Look, my sis in law married a guy who was outright abusive and a parade of red flags. And telling her "hey maybe don't marry this guy" backfired very very badly. Even after she divorced the guy, her relationship with her siblings (including spouse) never recovered.

Your objection to your son's girlfriend isn't even in the same ballpark as that, and I am telling you, it 100% will not go well of you try to interfere. He's an adult, he makes his own decisions.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like they are early 20s. People change a lot. When I met my now inlaws I was 23 and probably kind of obnoxious as well as a total slob. Now at 39 I am a great mother, fiscally responsible, and keep my house lovely. They seem to like me enough.

[Anonymous]

My in laws did this to DH’s brother (warned him against marrying her). He married her anyway and moved an hour away, they don’t help with ILs’ care in old age, and the DIL never attends family events. Good luck, OP.