How to Not Be the MIL who doesn't accept DIL

[Anonymous]

OP did you already post about this? It sounds familiar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP did you already post about this? It sounds familiar.

She’ll be here in a couple of years asking why she never gets to see her grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I would like my kids to marry someone similar to them - college graduates, or professional. She is good looking and seems nice however she has nothing going for her. No college, trade or skill. She's been working for some years in low wage jobs, lives at home and doesn't even own a car. Her family doesn't have much money. Kids' friends in similar situations have figured out how to work and earn enough to buy a car. She knows how to spend though. I'm afraid he'll become a cash cow for her and possibly her family.

Thanks for providing more details. Now we can advise you: butt the hell out.

Ah the traditional gender role posters have arrived. OP, they will tell you if he is a good man he will pay for everything and take care of her in every way and put her feelings, thoughts and opinions ahead of his own. That his role in life is simply to please and worship his wife and his own needs, thoughts, opinions and feelings should never be voiced unless they are to support her. His job is to take on whatever stress and pressure she has so that she lives as stress free as possible, regardless of negative impacts on his physical or mental health. These are his problems to fix without ever allowing them to be present in the marriage. If she has any problems, it is all his fault and he needs to take responsibility for any choice or decision she makes that had a negative consequece. He also needs to continue to acknowledge the mental load of being a woman and how hard it is for women to do things like choose a movie or a restaurant or to make appointments so he needs to anticipate her needs and meet them before she even knows she has them so she doesn't have to have any mental pressures. His role is to fully sacrifice himself to serve her. Unless you agree with them, you will be attacked by these posters.

Good Lord learn how to use paragraphs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I would like my kids to marry someone similar to them - college graduates, or professional. She is good looking and seems nice however she has nothing going for her. No college, trade or skill. She's been working for some years in low wage jobs, lives at home and doesn't even own a car. Her family doesn't have much money. Kids' friends in similar situations have figured out how to work and earn enough to buy a car. She knows how to spend though. I'm afraid he'll become a cash cow for her and possibly her family.

Thanks for providing more details. Now we can advise you: butt the hell out.

Ah the traditional gender role posters have arrived. OP, they will tell you if he is a good man he will pay for everything and take care of her in every way and put her feelings, thoughts and opinions ahead of his own. That his role in life is simply to please and worship his wife and his own needs, thoughts, opinions and feelings should never be voiced unless they are to support her. His job is to take on whatever stress and pressure she has so that she lives as stress free as possible, regardless of negative impacts on his physical or mental health. These are his problems to fix without ever allowing them to be present in the marriage. If she has any problems, it is all his fault and he needs to take responsibility for any choice or decision she makes that had a negative consequece. He also needs to continue to acknowledge the mental load of being a woman and how hard it is for women to do things like choose a movie or a restaurant or to make appointments so he needs to anticipate her needs and meet them before she even knows she has them so she doesn't have to have any mental pressures. His role is to fully sacrifice himself to serve her. Unless you agree with them, you will be attacked by these posters.

What are you even talking about lol?

Just reflecing the views based on posts of about 60% of the posters on here and they tend to be the most aggressive. Those are the views that are expressed the most in any relationship post. The butt out poster for example - the girlfriend shouldn't need to work or pay for anything or get an education as that is all OPs son's role so that poster thinks MIL is the one with the problem for not thinking that is great!

I’m the butt out poster and have three married children and one single one who’s in her late 30s and no plans to ever marry. I am very close to all of them and have an excellent relationship with all of the spouses as well.

I have a very simple rule when it comes to these things: if your kid has a partner and that partner is good to your kid and your kid is happy and isn’t asking you for money, that’s the end of the story. If your kid is single and happy and doesn’t ask you for money that’s also the end of the story. You can’t expect your kids to live exactly as you did or to choose the same partner that you would.

Once your kid is an adult and is independent you have no more right to interfere with their life decisions than you would with any other adult. Violate that rule at the real risk of ruining your relationship with them irreparably.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I would like my kids to marry someone similar to them - college graduates, or professional. She is good looking and seems nice however she has nothing going for her. No college, trade or skill. She's been working for some years in low wage jobs, lives at home and doesn't even own a car. Her family doesn't have much money. Kids' friends in similar situations have figured out how to work and earn enough to buy a car. She knows how to spend though. I'm afraid he'll become a cash cow for her and possibly her family.

Thanks for providing more details. Now we can advise you: butt the hell out.

Ah the traditional gender role posters have arrived. OP, they will tell you if he is a good man he will pay for everything and take care of her in every way and put her feelings, thoughts and opinions ahead of his own. That his role in life is simply to please and worship his wife and his own needs, thoughts, opinions and feelings should never be voiced unless they are to support her. His job is to take on whatever stress and pressure she has so that she lives as stress free as possible, regardless of negative impacts on his physical or mental health. These are his problems to fix without ever allowing them to be present in the marriage. If she has any problems, it is all his fault and he needs to take responsibility for any choice or decision she makes that had a negative consequece. He also needs to continue to acknowledge the mental load of being a woman and how hard it is for women to do things like choose a movie or a restaurant or to make appointments so he needs to anticipate her needs and meet them before she even knows she has them so she doesn't have to have any mental pressures. His role is to fully sacrifice himself to serve her. Unless you agree with them, you will be attacked by these posters.

What are you even talking about lol?

Just reflecing the views based on posts of about 60% of the posters on here and they tend to be the most aggressive. Those are the views that are expressed the most in any relationship post. The butt out poster for example - the girlfriend shouldn't need to work or pay for anything or get an education as that is all OPs son's role so that poster thinks MIL is the one with the problem for not thinking that is great!

I’m the butt out poster and have three married children and one single one who’s in her late 30s and no plans to ever marry. I am very close to all of them and have an excellent relationship with all of the spouses as well.

I have a very simple rule when it comes to these things: if your kid has a partner and that partner is good to your kid and your kid is happy and isn’t asking you for money, that’s the end of the story. If your kid is single and happy and doesn’t ask you for money that’s also the end of the story. You can’t expect your kids to live exactly as you did or to choose the same partner that you would.

Once your kid is an adult and is independent you have no more right to interfere with their life decisions than you would with any other adult. Violate that rule at the real risk of ruining your relationship with them irreparably.

OP - that's a big part of it. Fresh out of school, we know what he was making and I don't know if that'll keep her happy. It takes 2 decent incomes to stay afloat here plus save to buy a house, car, etc.

No, I haven't posted before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I would like my kids to marry someone similar to them - college graduates, or professional. She is good looking and seems nice however she has nothing going for her. No college, trade or skill. She's been working for some years in low wage jobs, lives at home and doesn't even own a car. Her family doesn't have much money. Kids' friends in similar situations have figured out how to work and earn enough to buy a car. She knows how to spend though. I'm afraid he'll become a cash cow for her and possibly her family.

Thanks for providing more details. Now we can advise you: butt the hell out.

Ah the traditional gender role posters have arrived. OP, they will tell you if he is a good man he will pay for everything and take care of her in every way and put her feelings, thoughts and opinions ahead of his own. That his role in life is simply to please and worship his wife and his own needs, thoughts, opinions and feelings should never be voiced unless they are to support her. His job is to take on whatever stress and pressure she has so that she lives as stress free as possible, regardless of negative impacts on his physical or mental health. These are his problems to fix without ever allowing them to be present in the marriage. If she has any problems, it is all his fault and he needs to take responsibility for any choice or decision she makes that had a negative consequece. He also needs to continue to acknowledge the mental load of being a woman and how hard it is for women to do things like choose a movie or a restaurant or to make appointments so he needs to anticipate her needs and meet them before she even knows she has them so she doesn't have to have any mental pressures. His role is to fully sacrifice himself to serve her. Unless you agree with them, you will be attacked by these posters.

What are you even talking about lol?

Just reflecing the views based on posts of about 60% of the posters on here and they tend to be the most aggressive. Those are the views that are expressed the most in any relationship post. The butt out poster for example - the girlfriend shouldn't need to work or pay for anything or get an education as that is all OPs son's role so that poster thinks MIL is the one with the problem for not thinking that is great!

I’m the butt out poster and have three married children and one single one who’s in her late 30s and no plans to ever marry. I am very close to all of them and have an excellent relationship with all of the spouses as well.

I have a very simple rule when it comes to these things: if your kid has a partner and that partner is good to your kid and your kid is happy and isn’t asking you for money, that’s the end of the story. If your kid is single and happy and doesn’t ask you for money that’s also the end of the story. You can’t expect your kids to live exactly as you did or to choose the same partner that you would.

Once your kid is an adult and is independent you have no more right to interfere with their life decisions than you would with any other adult. Violate that rule at the real risk of ruining your relationship with them irreparably.

And when that isn't the case?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I would like my kids to marry someone similar to them - college graduates, or professional. She is good looking and seems nice however she has nothing going for her. No college, trade or skill. She's been working for some years in low wage jobs, lives at home and doesn't even own a car. Her family doesn't have much money. Kids' friends in similar situations have figured out how to work and earn enough to buy a car. She knows how to spend though. I'm afraid he'll become a cash cow for her and possibly her family.

Thanks for providing more details. Now we can advise you: butt the hell out.

+1

Oh, OP. If you could look into a crystal ball and know that she would make a warm and happy and loving home and be a wonderful mother to your grandchildren, and that your husband would feel loved and cared for and treasured every day…would you still be wishing they break up? Remember that the person you wish you could be if you were thirty years younger =/= the person your son would live the happiest life with

[Anonymous]

You decide if you want a relationship with your son or not. if you do then don't be a B to your son's GF/fiancée/wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I would like my kids to marry someone similar to them - college graduates, or professional. She is good looking and seems nice however she has nothing going for her. No college, trade or skill. She's been working for some years in low wage jobs, lives at home and doesn't even own a car. Her family doesn't have much money. Kids' friends in similar situations have figured out how to work and earn enough to buy a car. She knows how to spend though. I'm afraid he'll become a cash cow for her and possibly her family.

Thanks for providing more details. Now we can advise you: butt the hell out.

Ah the traditional gender role posters have arrived. OP, they will tell you if he is a good man he will pay for everything and take care of her in every way and put her feelings, thoughts and opinions ahead of his own. That his role in life is simply to please and worship his wife and his own needs, thoughts, opinions and feelings should never be voiced unless they are to support her. His job is to take on whatever stress and pressure she has so that she lives as stress free as possible, regardless of negative impacts on his physical or mental health. These are his problems to fix without ever allowing them to be present in the marriage. If she has any problems, it is all his fault and he needs to take responsibility for any choice or decision she makes that had a negative consequece. He also needs to continue to acknowledge the mental load of being a woman and how hard it is for women to do things like choose a movie or a restaurant or to make appointments so he needs to anticipate her needs and meet them before she even knows she has them so she doesn't have to have any mental pressures. His role is to fully sacrifice himself to serve her. Unless you agree with them, you will be attacked by these posters.

What are you even talking about lol?

Just reflecing the views based on posts of about 60% of the posters on here and they tend to be the most aggressive. Those are the views that are expressed the most in any relationship post. The butt out poster for example - the girlfriend shouldn't need to work or pay for anything or get an education as that is all OPs son's role so that poster thinks MIL is the one with the problem for not thinking that is great!

I’m the butt out poster and have three married children and one single one who’s in her late 30s and no plans to ever marry. I am very close to all of them and have an excellent relationship with all of the spouses as well.

I have a very simple rule when it comes to these things: if your kid has a partner and that partner is good to your kid and your kid is happy and isn’t asking you for money, that’s the end of the story. If your kid is single and happy and doesn’t ask you for money that’s also the end of the story. You can’t expect your kids to live exactly as you did or to choose the same partner that you would.

Once your kid is an adult and is independent you have no more right to interfere with their life decisions than you would with any other adult. Violate that rule at the real risk of ruining your relationship with them irreparably.

And when that isn't the case?

Huh? It’s not the case a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I would like my kids to marry someone similar to them - college graduates, or professional. She is good looking and seems nice however she has nothing going for her. No college, trade or skill. She's been working for some years in low wage jobs, lives at home and doesn't even own a car. Her family doesn't have much money. Kids' friends in similar situations have figured out how to work and earn enough to buy a car. She knows how to spend though. I'm afraid he'll become a cash cow for her and possibly her family.

Thanks for providing more details. Now we can advise you: butt the hell out.

Ah the traditional gender role posters have arrived. OP, they will tell you if he is a good man he will pay for everything and take care of her in every way and put her feelings, thoughts and opinions ahead of his own. That his role in life is simply to please and worship his wife and his own needs, thoughts, opinions and feelings should never be voiced unless they are to support her. His job is to take on whatever stress and pressure she has so that she lives as stress free as possible, regardless of negative impacts on his physical or mental health. These are his problems to fix without ever allowing them to be present in the marriage. If she has any problems, it is all his fault and he needs to take responsibility for any choice or decision she makes that had a negative consequece. He also needs to continue to acknowledge the mental load of being a woman and how hard it is for women to do things like choose a movie or a restaurant or to make appointments so he needs to anticipate her needs and meet them before she even knows she has them so she doesn't have to have any mental pressures. His role is to fully sacrifice himself to serve her. Unless you agree with them, you will be attacked by these posters.

What are you even talking about lol?

Just reflecing the views based on posts of about 60% of the posters on here and they tend to be the most aggressive. Those are the views that are expressed the most in any relationship post. The butt out poster for example - the girlfriend shouldn't need to work or pay for anything or get an education as that is all OPs son's role so that poster thinks MIL is the one with the problem for not thinking that is great!

I’m the butt out poster and have three married children and one single one who’s in her late 30s and no plans to ever marry. I am very close to all of them and have an excellent relationship with all of the spouses as well.

I have a very simple rule when it comes to these things: if your kid has a partner and that partner is good to your kid and your kid is happy and isn’t asking you for money, that’s the end of the story. If your kid is single and happy and doesn’t ask you for money that’s also the end of the story. You can’t expect your kids to live exactly as you did or to choose the same partner that you would.

Once your kid is an adult and is independent you have no more right to interfere with their life decisions than you would with any other adult. Violate that rule at the real risk of ruining your relationship with them irreparably.

OP - that's a big part of it. Fresh out of school, we know what he was making and I don't know if that'll keep her happy. It takes 2 decent incomes to stay afloat here plus save to buy a house, car, etc.

No, I haven't posted before.

You’re making assumptions. You don’t know if that’ll happen. If it does you can judge. But until then—nope.

[Anonymous]

You need to adjust expectations and be happy he is happy. It’s completely inappropriate for you to say negative things to your ds about his potentially future wife. And who knows what the future holds financially? That part is only your business if they cannot manage their own finances and asking for help. But I have to ask, how do you even know she spends too much? Hopefully your ds is not complaining about this to you rather than having these conversations with her…

[Anonymous]

OP, if he’s met her already, it’s too late to address anything but the big things: abuse or criminal behavior. My mom spent my middle and high school years teaching me what to look for in a spouse. I didn’t get mad because I hadn’t met DH yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if he’s met her already, it’s too late to address anything but the big things: abuse or criminal behavior. My mom spent my middle and high school years teaching me what to look for in a spouse. I didn’t get mad because I hadn’t met DH yet.

I should mention that her priorities were different than yours, but she passed them on explicitly, repeatedly, and early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you have a problem if she had a career and she gave it up completely to be a SAHM? Still dependent on his income even though she has a college degree. I'm guessing not.

Either you've done a poor job in raising your son and he's blinded by someone's looks, or her background is not important to him.

Or he is being realistic about his expectations.

I know a great guy who realized early enough that his dream career is likely to a) land him in the middle of nowhere geographically and b) require several moves around such places, so he was looking for a super social woman with either a highly portable career or the one who would be happy being a trailing spouse and a homemaker.

[Anonymous]

Sit down, step back, and don’t say a thing. Although it appears you may have already expressed your displeasure? It sounds like your son is on the younger adult side. Let it ride. Be accommodating and accepting. You dig your heels in and voice objections, he will only attach further. If he goes ahead with the relationship maybe you can salvage a relationship with your grandchildren. If you’ve already voiced your misgivings, it may be too late.