How to Not Be the MIL who doesn't accept DIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I would like my kids to marry someone similar to them - college graduates, or professional. She is good looking and seems nice however she has nothing going for her. No college, trade or skill. She's been working for some years in low wage jobs, lives at home and doesn't even own a car. Her family doesn't have much money. Kids' friends in similar situations have figured out how to work and earn enough to buy a car. She knows how to spend though. I'm afraid he'll become a cash cow for her and possibly her family.

Does your son talk to you about her?

If so, start asking him what he loves about her. But - and this is extremely important - DO NOT SAY ANYTHING JUDGEMENTAL OR TRY TO WARN HIM IN ANY WAY.

Just listen and see what he says. She probably has a lot of great qualities, and you can then start to look for those qualities in her and appreciate them.

But if you say ANYTHING critical about her, or suggest your son look for something different, he will never open up to you about her again.

And the reality is - there is no perfect woman out there. If he found someone professional, maybe she’s mean and treats him poorly. Or maybe she’s nice and successful, but they aren’t sexually compatible and he ends up miserable in 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I would like my kids to marry someone similar to them - college graduates, or professional. She is good looking and seems nice however she has nothing going for her. No college, trade or skill. She's been working for some years in low wage jobs, lives at home and doesn't even own a car. Her family doesn't have much money. Kids' friends in similar situations have figured out how to work and earn enough to buy a car. She knows how to spend though. I'm afraid he'll become a cash cow for her and possibly her family.

Thanks for providing more details. Now we can advise you: butt the hell out.

[Anonymous]

If your son has a strong personality he can make it so she sits at home, has kids and has a budget to spend. Since she has nothing better to do anyway. The danger is in divorce, but he can probably make sure she thinks it’s not a great idea to divorce.

I agree, don’t say anything to him directly and be nice to her but limit interactions. Then use any opportunity to sow doubt in his mind.

[Anonymous]

Its a two way relationship. There are just as many DILs who are the problem or 50% of the problem as there are MILs. It seems that the DIL / MIL relationship is a hard one for both parties to navigate as often both are jealous of the other and are critical and possessive or overreactive.

In real life, I rarely see a case where it is all one or the other. It is usually that both are the problem.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he wants a SAH wife/mom. Does she treat him well? Is he happy? You're creating fake scenarios in your head

[Anonymous]

Would you have a problem if she had a career and she gave it up completely to be a SAHM? Still dependent on his income even though she has a college degree. I'm guessing not.

Either you've done a poor job in raising your son and he's blinded by someone's looks, or her background is not important to him.

[Anonymous]

He knows you are not accepting of her, so they both know for sure. Damage is done. You are that MIL already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I would like my kids to marry someone similar to them - college graduates, or professional. She is good looking and seems nice however she has nothing going for her. No college, trade or skill. She's been working for some years in low wage jobs, lives at home and doesn't even own a car. Her family doesn't have much money. Kids' friends in similar situations have figured out how to work and earn enough to buy a car. She knows how to spend though. I'm afraid he'll become a cash cow for her and possibly her family.

Thanks for providing more details. Now we can advise you: butt the hell out.

Will they expect OP to pay for the wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I would like my kids to marry someone similar to them - college graduates, or professional. She is good looking and seems nice however she has nothing going for her. No college, trade or skill. She's been working for some years in low wage jobs, lives at home and doesn't even own a car. Her family doesn't have much money. Kids' friends in similar situations have figured out how to work and earn enough to buy a car. She knows how to spend though. I'm afraid he'll become a cash cow for her and possibly her family.

Thanks for providing more details. Now we can advise you: butt the hell out.

Ah the traditional gender role posters have arrived. OP, they will tell you if he is a good man he will pay for everything and take care of her in every way and put her feelings, thoughts and opinions ahead of his own. That his role in life is simply to please and worship his wife and his own needs, thoughts, opinions and feelings should never be voiced unless they are to support her. His job is to take on whatever stress and pressure she has so that she lives as stress free as possible, regardless of negative impacts on his physical or mental health. These are his problems to fix without ever allowing them to be present in the marriage. If she has any problems, it is all his fault and he needs to take responsibility for any choice or decision she makes that had a negative consequece. He also needs to continue to acknowledge the mental load of being a woman and how hard it is for women to do things like choose a movie or a restaurant or to make appointments so he needs to anticipate her needs and meet them before she even knows she has them so she doesn't have to have any mental pressures. His role is to fully sacrifice himself to serve her. Unless you agree with them, you will be attacked by these posters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I would like my kids to marry someone similar to them - college graduates, or professional. She is good looking and seems nice however she has nothing going for her. No college, trade or skill. She's been working for some years in low wage jobs, lives at home and doesn't even own a car. Her family doesn't have much money. Kids' friends in similar situations have figured out how to work and earn enough to buy a car. She knows how to spend though. I'm afraid he'll become a cash cow for her and possibly her family.

Thanks for providing more details. Now we can advise you: butt the hell out.

Ah the traditional gender role posters have arrived. OP, they will tell you if he is a good man he will pay for everything and take care of her in every way and put her feelings, thoughts and opinions ahead of his own. That his role in life is simply to please and worship his wife and his own needs, thoughts, opinions and feelings should never be voiced unless they are to support her. His job is to take on whatever stress and pressure she has so that she lives as stress free as possible, regardless of negative impacts on his physical or mental health. These are his problems to fix without ever allowing them to be present in the marriage. If she has any problems, it is all his fault and he needs to take responsibility for any choice or decision she makes that had a negative consequece. He also needs to continue to acknowledge the mental load of being a woman and how hard it is for women to do things like choose a movie or a restaurant or to make appointments so he needs to anticipate her needs and meet them before she even knows she has them so she doesn't have to have any mental pressures. His role is to fully sacrifice himself to serve her. Unless you agree with them, you will be attacked by these posters.

What are you even talking about lol?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I would like my kids to marry someone similar to them - college graduates, or professional. She is good looking and seems nice however she has nothing going for her. No college, trade or skill. She's been working for some years in low wage jobs, lives at home and doesn't even own a car. Her family doesn't have much money. Kids' friends in similar situations have figured out how to work and earn enough to buy a car. She knows how to spend though. I'm afraid he'll become a cash cow for her and possibly her family.

Thanks for providing more details. Now we can advise you: butt the hell out.

Ah the traditional gender role posters have arrived. OP, they will tell you if he is a good man he will pay for everything and take care of her in every way and put her feelings, thoughts and opinions ahead of his own. That his role in life is simply to please and worship his wife and his own needs, thoughts, opinions and feelings should never be voiced unless they are to support her. His job is to take on whatever stress and pressure she has so that she lives as stress free as possible, regardless of negative impacts on his physical or mental health. These are his problems to fix without ever allowing them to be present in the marriage. If she has any problems, it is all his fault and he needs to take responsibility for any choice or decision she makes that had a negative consequece. He also needs to continue to acknowledge the mental load of being a woman and how hard it is for women to do things like choose a movie or a restaurant or to make appointments so he needs to anticipate her needs and meet them before she even knows she has them so she doesn't have to have any mental pressures. His role is to fully sacrifice himself to serve her. Unless you agree with them, you will be attacked by these posters.

What are you even talking about lol?

Just reflecing the views based on posts of about 60% of the posters on here and they tend to be the most aggressive. Those are the views that are expressed the most in any relationship post. The butt out poster for example - the girlfriend shouldn't need to work or pay for anything or get an education as that is all OPs son's role so that poster thinks MIL is the one with the problem for not thinking that is great!

[Anonymous]

Yes, butt out until you're needed to pay for a down payment, car, etc. after she's spent their money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I would like my kids to marry someone similar to them - college graduates, or professional. She is good looking and seems nice however she has nothing going for her. No college, trade or skill. She's been working for some years in low wage jobs, lives at home and doesn't even own a car. Her family doesn't have much money. Kids' friends in similar situations have figured out how to work and earn enough to buy a car. She knows how to spend though. I'm afraid he'll become a cash cow for her and possibly her family.

Looks like you didn’t do such a great job of raising your son to find a suitable partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I would like my kids to marry someone similar to them - college graduates, or professional. She is good looking and seems nice however she has nothing going for her. No college, trade or skill. She's been working for some years in low wage jobs, lives at home and doesn't even own a car. Her family doesn't have much money. Kids' friends in similar situations have figured out how to work and earn enough to buy a car. She knows how to spend though. I'm afraid he'll become a cash cow for her and possibly her family.

Thanks for providing more details. Now we can advise you: butt the hell out.

Will they expect OP to pay for the wedding?

Have they asked for a fancy wedding? We got married at city hall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, let’s start with why you don’t like the GF. Tell us.

She's dating Mother's Special Boy, for starters.