How to Not Be the MIL who doesn't accept DIL

[Anonymous]

Reading that other thread makes me think about DS' GF who might become my DIL. We've been open about our feelings about GF to DS. While I haven't said anything to her and I wouldn't ever be like that other MIL, I'm not welcoming. I'm just hoping they break up right now.

How did you deal with DIL or SIL who isn’t what you would have wanted for your kids?

[Anonymous]

I personally remind myself of my own aunt, who hated my cousin's girlfriend and made it clear. When my cousin was killed in an accident, the girlfriend announced that she had just found out she was pregnant, and my aunt called her a liar and a w***e.

It's now 20 years later and my aunt has never met her only granddaughter. The girlfriend moved back to Canada for the birth and never returned.

So there's that.

[Anonymous]

Find the good in her. He loves her for a reason. Let go of any judgements you have about her.

[Anonymous]

You already are that mil.

[Anonymous]

What’s a w***e?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s a w***e?

A peripatetician. Or someone who beats the sidewalk.

[Anonymous]

OP, let’s start with why you don’t like the GF. Tell us.

[Anonymous]

Do you see any possibility for her to mature and change?

[Anonymous]

I was not what my socially conservative MIL had in mind, but she was desperate to get her son married, had the usual preferences of her culture for lighter skin, and allowed for personal growth. 20 years later, I am her favorite DIL: I stay home instead of having a career like my SILs, and she finds my manners and dress more feminine and pleasing. Ha.

All this to say, you need to examine your motives. Some of them will be valid, some of them may not be. And allow for personal growth. Which is not to say that you shouldn't speak your mind. You need to let your child know if you see something that cannot be fixed and risks making your child unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Why are posters advising OP on how to behave when she won’t even come back and answer the basic question of what she doesn’t like about her potential daughter-in-law?

[Anonymous]

The more you make your dislike known the more he’ll want to marry her. You have to be kind and welcoming and then he will be able to see it’s her and not you. If you’re mean, he won’t be able to see that the problem is her without you clouding it.

And any time you want to be mean to her- think about what’s more important to you. Hating her or never seeing your grandchildren/never having the relationship you want with them.

[Anonymous]

We just met our daughter's significant other, likely to become our son in law. Here's the thing -- He ADORES her, and she is, well, not the easiest person. I think the number one important thing is not what YOU think about htis person, but about the quality of the relationship between them. I think I'd have grounds to object if, for example, I didn't think he treated her well, wasn't supportive of her career or aspirations, made her do all the work at home or in the relationship, but short of that's it's their issue, not ours. My parents never really forgave me for marrying someone who was the wrong ethnicity, profession, education level, religion, etc. but I'm the only one who needs to wake up in bed every morning with this person, not them.
It's nice if your son or daughter in law has some professional aspirations and a philosophy about money that gels with your family's, and it's nice if they believe in God if that's important to you -- but I think pretty much beyond that it's icing on the cake. And ultimately treating them badly is going to backfire.

[Anonymous]

Remind yourself that the next GF could be worse.

When my brother was in his late 20s, he had a serious GF. Our mom told DB that she would disown him if he married her, and when GF found out, she broke up with him.

DB didn’t have another serious GF til his early 40s. My mom disliked her even more than GF #1 but because it seemed like she was his last chance to get married, my mom gave her blessing. My SIL was 42 when they got married, and they were not able to have kids.

My mom won’t admit it to anyone (maybe not even herself), but she likely would’ve been much happier had DB married GF #1 and chances are they would’ve had kids, the lack of which is huge source of disappointment to her with DB’s current marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I would like my kids to marry someone similar to them - college graduates, or professional. She is good looking and seems nice however she has nothing going for her. No college, trade or skill. She's been working for some years in low wage jobs, lives at home and doesn't even own a car. Her family doesn't have much money. Kids' friends in similar situations have figured out how to work and earn enough to buy a car. She knows how to spend though. I'm afraid he'll become a cash cow for her and possibly her family.

[Anonymous]

^^ I can't even imagine in this day being a woman and not having your own decent income.