Enforcing no social media rule

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find a social group where other parents feel the way you do.

I don’t know any teenagers who want mommy picking their friends.

That’s literally what happens when you pick a school.

Your children must be very young. Mine is going to homecoming in a big group tonight. She’s not a student at the school and the group has kids from different schools. It’s why schools have guest forms for dances. No, kids are not only friends with kids from their school. It’s common, especially in this area.

Well that’s not normal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find a social group where other parents feel the way you do.

I don’t know any teenagers who want mommy picking their friends.

That’s literally what happens when you pick a school.

Please, tell me about this private high school where none of the teens are on social media and all of the kids are one big happy social group.

+1 I would like to hear more about this magical world where everyone has enough money to afford private school tuition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was like you. But I saw my 14 year old suffering because was not in the social mix as he didn’t know what was happening. Not being on snap meant he was not included in the spontaneous gatherings. So I allowed it, with a bit of moderation and solid rules around the phone in general. Then he began enjoying his social life in person with friends. I don’t like snap. But it was a trade off. Fairly sure it was the right call.

Rigid thinking in parenting rarely pays off when the situation requires a more nuanced view. Our relationship with each other, and his relationship with his phone, are both reasonably healthy as a result.

This is so effed. Why are parents so weak and kids lack character now? If people actually like your kid they will text.

Rigid, authoritarian parenting isn't about strength or character - it is about power and control. Adaptable, authoritative parenting isn't weak parenting or lacking character - it is about being able to parent in the moment and make the best decisions for that individual child in the specific context and circumstance.

I find it incredibly disturbing that you are conflating both rigid parenting with not giving a teen a smartphone and good parenting with allowing a 13 year old to be on Snapchat. I mean, whatever helps you sleep at night, but your kid’s brain is cooked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t and a complete ban until she is 16 is unrealistic. She will be in HS and might want to join a club or be on a sports team. Social media is used.

Even if you somehow have the one kid who listens to your rules and doesn’t create one of her own, you can’t stop her from being in friends Tik Toks. Do you care about that too?

In the sports team or activity situation you mention, I would allow the creation of an account but with a discussion about what gets posted and maybe even consider waiting to put the app on the phone. Like do an IG account but only access it by computer (to cut down on endless scrolling) and heavily monitor it.

This would be in a situation where social media is being used specifically for a team or club, to communicate about the activity as well as to do things like celebrate wins or feature different athletes. I'd want my DD to be able to participate in that. If it's just that the girls on the team are all using SM, I'd hold out for that age 16 limit and really talk a lot about WHY you are delaying it.

With my own DD, I'm very open with her about how social media came into being when I was in my 30s, and I got sucked into it to the detriment of my mental health. Like I wound up quitting Facebook altogether and no longer keep social media apps on my phone because of the amount of time I was spending on them and the way the apps seemed to draw out and grow my insecurity. We've gone on TikTok, YouTube, and IG reels together and scrolled videos shorts and then talked about what that process feels like and how addictive it is, and I talked to her about how that was when I realized I really had a problem -- I'd get on IG stories and literally lose time, like suddenly realize it was past midnight even though I'd planned to go to bed at 10:30, but I'd literally been scrolling nonstop since then. And realizing that the app is designed to make you do that, it's the whole point. I also used to scroll Twitter and Facebook the same way, just endless scrolling, a total time suck and so much of it was mentally negative (looking at other people's vacation photos and feeling envious, reading commentary on the news and getting mad, etc.).

I'm still on Instagram but only use it on a browser, and never look at reels or stories. This means I go on it every few days for a few minutes and that's it. I quite Facebook and Twitter (I joined BlueSky but rarely look at it, only if there's a really big news story and just to check one list of journalists for updates, no scrolling). I don't use Threads. I think TikTok is spyware and will not create an account. Being able to explain to my DD how I got into a very bad place with social media and what I've done to get to a better place has been really helpful for teaching her about the pitfalls and discussing how it can be used responsibility to stay in touch with friends or follow people related to a hobby, without becoming a time suck or falling prey to FOMO or low self esteem as you compare yourself to the images other people project on social media profiles.

You’re a recovering addict that’s not our problem

NP. Sure it is, because the majority of us are also addicts just in denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why we don’t allow sleepovers in middle school anymore - bc all they do is use screens inappropriately anyway.

Why not just collect their screens from 8pm to 8am? That’s what we do. We say if they need to contact their parent they can come ask us for it at any time of night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was like you. But I saw my 14 year old suffering because was not in the social mix as he didn’t know what was happening. Not being on snap meant he was not included in the spontaneous gatherings. So I allowed it, with a bit of moderation and solid rules around the phone in general. Then he began enjoying his social life in person with friends. I don’t like snap. But it was a trade off. Fairly sure it was the right call.

Rigid thinking in parenting rarely pays off when the situation requires a more nuanced view. Our relationship with each other, and his relationship with his phone, are both reasonably healthy as a result.

This is so effed. Why are parents so weak and kids lack character now? If people actually like your kid they will text.

No, that’s not how it goes. I have a 15 yo and they have a friend, Jane, who has now become a school friend. She is nice girl and they all like her but they stopped inviting her places because of her super controlling parents. The girls are 14 and 15.

Mom couldn’t let go, checking in constantly about who is where and what they are doing and where they are going. If you are this nuts over apps and social media you are also like this. They will not be reaching out separately on text to include your kid when they are all making plans on whatever app they are using.

So let me get this straight. Mom was texting Jane and this made the friends drop her? Make it make sense. Also the leap from “you don’t let your kid on SM” to “you are super controlling” is bonkers. Are you the PO who let their 15 year old on Snapchat? Have you read any research on the subject of smartphones, social media, and developing brains?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find a social group where other parents feel the way you do.

I don’t know any teenagers who want mommy picking their friends.

That’s literally what happens when you pick a school.

Your children must be very young. Mine is going to homecoming in a big group tonight. She’s not a student at the school and the group has kids from different schools. It’s why schools have guest forms for dances. No, kids are not only friends with kids from their school. It’s common, especially in this area.

Well that’s not normal

It’s very normal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find a social group where other parents feel the way you do.

I don’t know any teenagers who want mommy picking their friends.

That’s literally what happens when you pick a school.

Your children must be very young. Mine is going to homecoming in a big group tonight. She’s not a student at the school and the group has kids from different schools. It’s why schools have guest forms for dances. No, kids are not only friends with kids from their school. It’s common, especially in this area.

Well that’s not normal

It’s very normal

+1. And proves the first pp has very young kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was like you. But I saw my 14 year old suffering because was not in the social mix as he didn’t know what was happening. Not being on snap meant he was not included in the spontaneous gatherings. So I allowed it, with a bit of moderation and solid rules around the phone in general. Then he began enjoying his social life in person with friends. I don’t like snap. But it was a trade off. Fairly sure it was the right call.

Rigid thinking in parenting rarely pays off when the situation requires a more nuanced view. Our relationship with each other, and his relationship with his phone, are both reasonably healthy as a result.

This is so effed. Why are parents so weak and kids lack character now? If people actually like your kid they will text.

No, that’s not how it goes. I have a 15 yo and they have a friend, Jane, who has now become a school friend. She is nice girl and they all like her but they stopped inviting her places because of her super controlling parents. The girls are 14 and 15.

Mom couldn’t let go, checking in constantly about who is where and what they are doing and where they are going. If you are this nuts over apps and social media you are also like this. They will not be reaching out separately on text to include your kid when they are all making plans on whatever app they are using.

So let me get this straight. Mom was texting Jane and this made the friends drop her? Make it make sense. Also the leap from “you don’t let your kid on SM” to “you are super controlling” is bonkers. Are you the PO who let their 15 year old on Snapchat? Have you read any research on the subject of smartphones, social media, and developing brains?

You have it backwards. Jane’s mom is always texting Jane while the group is out and freaking out if they deviate from the plans, even a little. The other kids are over it and don’t want to hang out with Jane anymore outside of school and have stopped inviting her places because of her mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was like you. But I saw my 14 year old suffering because was not in the social mix as he didn’t know what was happening. Not being on snap meant he was not included in the spontaneous gatherings. So I allowed it, with a bit of moderation and solid rules around the phone in general. Then he began enjoying his social life in person with friends. I don’t like snap. But it was a trade off. Fairly sure it was the right call.

Rigid thinking in parenting rarely pays off when the situation requires a more nuanced view. Our relationship with each other, and his relationship with his phone, are both reasonably healthy as a result.

This is so effed. Why are parents so weak and kids lack character now? If people actually like your kid they will text.

No, that’s not how it goes. I have a 15 yo and they have a friend, Jane, who has now become a school friend. She is nice girl and they all like her but they stopped inviting her places because of her super controlling parents. The girls are 14 and 15.

Mom couldn’t let go, checking in constantly about who is where and what they are doing and where they are going. If you are this nuts over apps and social media you are also like this. They will not be reaching out separately on text to include your kid when they are all making plans on whatever app they are using.

So let me get this straight. Mom was texting Jane and this made the friends drop her? Make it make sense. Also the leap from “you don’t let your kid on SM” to “you are super controlling” is bonkers. Are you the PO who let their 15 year old on Snapchat? Have you read any research on the subject of smartphones, social media, and developing brains?

You have it backwards. Jane’s mom is always texting Jane while the group is out and freaking out if they deviate from the plans, even a little. The other kids are over it and don’t want to hang out with Jane anymore outside of school and have stopped inviting her places because of her mother.

DP, and I don't actually believe this story is truthful, but it's also irrelevant. This thread isn't about how much freedom you give kids to go out with friends. It's about access to social media. In your story, we don't even know if "Jane" has social media. She obviously has a phone, as her mom uses it to text her constantly as well as to track her location and hound her about it. So your story is about one kid who had a controlling mom who uses technology to control and limit her kid. It has nothing to do with social media.

Meanwhile, within that group of girls, I bet they have varying access to social media and that they gained that access at different times. At least that's how it is in my DD's group. Some parents are more limiting and some parents don't limit at all. It generally does not impact the fact of the girl's friendship, and if a friend for instance doesn't have a certain app (like my DD, who does not have access to TikTok and has only limited IG access through a heavily monitored account), they don't view it as an issue. When they make plans, they text, and all the girls have access to text/chat (as do all of the girls' parents).

Also, I don't think of the more restrictive parents at "controlling" nor the less restrictive parents as "lax." They are all great girls and I think the parents mostly share similar values. Rather, I think the girls are different and need different things, and there are varying parenting styles that give the girls what they need in different ways. At least so far, I don't see any behavior that would concern me or make me worry about my child's friendship with these girls, despite these differences in parenting approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was like you. But I saw my 14 year old suffering because was not in the social mix as he didn’t know what was happening. Not being on snap meant he was not included in the spontaneous gatherings. So I allowed it, with a bit of moderation and solid rules around the phone in general. Then he began enjoying his social life in person with friends. I don’t like snap. But it was a trade off. Fairly sure it was the right call.

Rigid thinking in parenting rarely pays off when the situation requires a more nuanced view. Our relationship with each other, and his relationship with his phone, are both reasonably healthy as a result.

This is so effed. Why are parents so weak and kids lack character now? If people actually like your kid they will text.

No, that’s not how it goes. I have a 15 yo and they have a friend, Jane, who has now become a school friend. She is nice girl and they all like her but they stopped inviting her places because of her super controlling parents. The girls are 14 and 15.

Mom couldn’t let go, checking in constantly about who is where and what they are doing and where they are going. If you are this nuts over apps and social media you are also like this. They will not be reaching out separately on text to include your kid when they are all making plans on whatever app they are using.

OP here. I’m not controlling at all. I want to limit the social media because I want my kid to engage in real life experiences as much as possible. Not online life.

Don’t listen to these posters OP who have let their kids run rampant because they are too scared to put limitations on their phone use. You are absolutely doing the right thing. I have told my kids no phones till 15 and no social media until 16 and that’s final. They have an Apple Watch for texting and also an iPad at home.

I have also banned Roblox in my house. My kids have a you tube account and they have access to you tube shorts for one hour everyday. Social media wrecks havoc on developing brains and by limiting it, we are doing our kids a big favor.

An HOUR of YouTube shorts every day and you think you’re protecting your kids? Are you somehow unaware that the YouTube short content is just slightly dated TikTok content (as are Insta reels).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was like you. But I saw my 14 year old suffering because was not in the social mix as he didn’t know what was happening. Not being on snap meant he was not included in the spontaneous gatherings. So I allowed it, with a bit of moderation and solid rules around the phone in general. Then he began enjoying his social life in person with friends. I don’t like snap. But it was a trade off. Fairly sure it was the right call.

Rigid thinking in parenting rarely pays off when the situation requires a more nuanced view. Our relationship with each other, and his relationship with his phone, are both reasonably healthy as a result.

This is so effed. Why are parents so weak and kids lack character now? If people actually like your kid they will text.

No, that’s not how it goes. I have a 15 yo and they have a friend, Jane, who has now become a school friend. She is nice girl and they all like her but they stopped inviting her places because of her super controlling parents. The girls are 14 and 15.

Mom couldn’t let go, checking in constantly about who is where and what they are doing and where they are going. If you are this nuts over apps and social media you are also like this. They will not be reaching out separately on text to include your kid when they are all making plans on whatever app they are using.

OP here. I’m not controlling at all. I want to limit the social media because I want my kid to engage in real life experiences as much as possible. Not online life.

Don’t listen to these posters OP who have let their kids run rampant because they are too scared to put limitations on their phone use. You are absolutely doing the right thing. I have told my kids no phones till 15 and no social media until 16 and that’s final. They have an Apple Watch for texting and also an iPad at home.

I have also banned Roblox in my house. My kids have a you tube account and they have access to you tube shorts for one hour everyday. Social media wrecks havoc on developing brains and by limiting it, we are doing our kids a big favor.

An HOUR of YouTube shorts every day and you think you’re protecting your kids? Are you somehow unaware that the YouTube short content is just slightly dated TikTok content (as are Insta reels).

You are so up to speed

[Anonymous]

Social media is here to stay.

The trick is to teach your children how to use it.

Once they go off to college or move out from your house they need experience understanding the good, bad & ugly.

That all said you own their phones until they start paying for them. However, taking away their phones for them not doing chores or some other thing that has nothing to do with social media is bad parenting. I also think if a kid has a phone I would check it periodically, it is not a diary.

Kids need to understand there is a time and place for phones and social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was like you. But I saw my 14 year old suffering because was not in the social mix as he didn’t know what was happening. Not being on snap meant he was not included in the spontaneous gatherings. So I allowed it, with a bit of moderation and solid rules around the phone in general. Then he began enjoying his social life in person with friends. I don’t like snap. But it was a trade off. Fairly sure it was the right call.

Rigid thinking in parenting rarely pays off when the situation requires a more nuanced view. Our relationship with each other, and his relationship with his phone, are both reasonably healthy as a result.

This is so effed. Why are parents so weak and kids lack character now? If people actually like your kid they will text.

No, that’s not how it goes. I have a 15 yo and they have a friend, Jane, who has now become a school friend. She is nice girl and they all like her but they stopped inviting her places because of her super controlling parents. The girls are 14 and 15.

Mom couldn’t let go, checking in constantly about who is where and what they are doing and where they are going. If you are this nuts over apps and social media you are also like this. They will not be reaching out separately on text to include your kid when they are all making plans on whatever app they are using.

So let me get this straight. Mom was texting Jane and this made the friends drop her? Make it make sense. Also the leap from “you don’t let your kid on SM” to “you are super controlling” is bonkers. Are you the PO who let their 15 year old on Snapchat? Have you read any research on the subject of smartphones, social media, and developing brains?

You have it backwards. Jane’s mom is always texting Jane while the group is out and freaking out if they deviate from the plans, even a little. The other kids are over it and don’t want to hang out with Jane anymore outside of school and have stopped inviting her places because of her mother.

DP, and I don't actually believe this story is truthful, but it's also irrelevant. This thread isn't about how much freedom you give kids to go out with friends. It's about access to social media. In your story, we don't even know if "Jane" has social media. She obviously has a phone, as her mom uses it to text her constantly as well as to track her location and hound her about it. So your story is about one kid who had a controlling mom who uses technology to control and limit her kid. It has nothing to do with social media.

Meanwhile, within that group of girls, I bet they have varying access to social media and that they gained that access at different times. At least that's how it is in my DD's group. Some parents are more limiting and some parents don't limit at all. It generally does not impact the fact of the girl's friendship, and if a friend for instance doesn't have a certain app (like my DD, who does not have access to TikTok and has only limited IG access through a heavily monitored account), they don't view it as an issue. When they make plans, they text, and all the girls have access to text/chat (as do all of the girls' parents).

Also, I don't think of the more restrictive parents at "controlling" nor the less restrictive parents as "lax." They are all great girls and I think the parents mostly share similar values. Rather, I think the girls are different and need different things, and there are varying parenting styles that give the girls what they need in different ways. At least so far, I don't see any behavior that would concern me or make me worry about my child's friendship with these girls, despite these differences in parenting approach.

Okay. You certainly posted a long reply to a story that you believe to be made up so there is no point in responding. You have it figured out. And I guess it’s not relevant anyway, right?

[Anonymous]

Imma dog imma mutt