Enforcing no social media rule

[Anonymous]

This is how it’s done done done

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was like you. But I saw my 14 year old suffering because was not in the social mix as he didn’t know what was happening. Not being on snap meant he was not included in the spontaneous gatherings. So I allowed it, with a bit of moderation and solid rules around the phone in general. Then he began enjoying his social life in person with friends. I don’t like snap. But it was a trade off. Fairly sure it was the right call.

Rigid thinking in parenting rarely pays off when the situation requires a more nuanced view. Our relationship with each other, and his relationship with his phone, are both reasonably healthy as a result.

This is so effed. Why are parents so weak and kids lack character now? If people actually like your kid they will text.

Rigid, authoritarian parenting isn't about strength or character - it is about power and control. Adaptable, authoritative parenting isn't weak parenting or lacking character - it is about being able to parent in the moment and make the best decisions for that individual child in the specific context and circumstance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a device that doesn’t allow it. Gabb, pinwheel, bark.

But these don’t block social media on a computer. That’s the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t and a complete ban until she is 16 is unrealistic. She will be in HS and might want to join a club or be on a sports team. Social media is used.

Even if you somehow have the one kid who listens to your rules and doesn’t create one of her own, you can’t stop her from being in friends Tik Toks. Do you care about that too?

In the sports team or activity situation you mention, I would allow the creation of an account but with a discussion about what gets posted and maybe even consider waiting to put the app on the phone. Like do an IG account but only access it by computer (to cut down on endless scrolling) and heavily monitor it.

This would be in a situation where social media is being used specifically for a team or club, to communicate about the activity as well as to do things like celebrate wins or feature different athletes. I'd want my DD to be able to participate in that. If it's just that the girls on the team are all using SM, I'd hold out for that age 16 limit and really talk a lot about WHY you are delaying it.

With my own DD, I'm very open with her about how social media came into being when I was in my 30s, and I got sucked into it to the detriment of my mental health. Like I wound up quitting Facebook altogether and no longer keep social media apps on my phone because of the amount of time I was spending on them and the way the apps seemed to draw out and grow my insecurity. We've gone on TikTok, YouTube, and IG reels together and scrolled videos shorts and then talked about what that process feels like and how addictive it is, and I talked to her about how that was when I realized I really had a problem -- I'd get on IG stories and literally lose time, like suddenly realize it was past midnight even though I'd planned to go to bed at 10:30, but I'd literally been scrolling nonstop since then. And realizing that the app is designed to make you do that, it's the whole point. I also used to scroll Twitter and Facebook the same way, just endless scrolling, a total time suck and so much of it was mentally negative (looking at other people's vacation photos and feeling envious, reading commentary on the news and getting mad, etc.).

I'm still on Instagram but only use it on a browser, and never look at reels or stories. This means I go on it every few days for a few minutes and that's it. I quite Facebook and Twitter (I joined BlueSky but rarely look at it, only if there's a really big news story and just to check one list of journalists for updates, no scrolling). I don't use Threads. I think TikTok is spyware and will not create an account. Being able to explain to my DD how I got into a very bad place with social media and what I've done to get to a better place has been really helpful for teaching her about the pitfalls and discussing how it can be used responsibility to stay in touch with friends or follow people related to a hobby, without becoming a time suck or falling prey to FOMO or low self esteem as you compare yourself to the images other people project on social media profiles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t and a complete ban until she is 16 is unrealistic. She will be in HS and might want to join a club or be on a sports team. Social media is used.

Even if you somehow have the one kid who listens to your rules and doesn’t create one of her own, you can’t stop her from being in friends Tik Toks. Do you care about that too?

In the sports team or activity situation you mention, I would allow the creation of an account but with a discussion about what gets posted and maybe even consider waiting to put the app on the phone. Like do an IG account but only access it by computer (to cut down on endless scrolling) and heavily monitor it.

This would be in a situation where social media is being used specifically for a team or club, to communicate about the activity as well as to do things like celebrate wins or feature different athletes. I'd want my DD to be able to participate in that. If it's just that the girls on the team are all using SM, I'd hold out for that age 16 limit and really talk a lot about WHY you are delaying it.

With my own DD, I'm very open with her about how social media came into being when I was in my 30s, and I got sucked into it to the detriment of my mental health. Like I wound up quitting Facebook altogether and no longer keep social media apps on my phone because of the amount of time I was spending on them and the way the apps seemed to draw out and grow my insecurity. We've gone on TikTok, YouTube, and IG reels together and scrolled videos shorts and then talked about what that process feels like and how addictive it is, and I talked to her about how that was when I realized I really had a problem -- I'd get on IG stories and literally lose time, like suddenly realize it was past midnight even though I'd planned to go to bed at 10:30, but I'd literally been scrolling nonstop since then. And realizing that the app is designed to make you do that, it's the whole point. I also used to scroll Twitter and Facebook the same way, just endless scrolling, a total time suck and so much of it was mentally negative (looking at other people's vacation photos and feeling envious, reading commentary on the news and getting mad, etc.).

I'm still on Instagram but only use it on a browser, and never look at reels or stories. This means I go on it every few days for a few minutes and that's it. I quite Facebook and Twitter (I joined BlueSky but rarely look at it, only if there's a really big news story and just to check one list of journalists for updates, no scrolling). I don't use Threads. I think TikTok is spyware and will not create an account. Being able to explain to my DD how I got into a very bad place with social media and what I've done to get to a better place has been really helpful for teaching her about the pitfalls and discussing how it can be used responsibility to stay in touch with friends or follow people related to a hobby, without becoming a time suck or falling prey to FOMO or low self esteem as you compare yourself to the images other people project on social media profiles.

You’re a recovering addict that’s not our problem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was like you. But I saw my 14 year old suffering because was not in the social mix as he didn’t know what was happening. Not being on snap meant he was not included in the spontaneous gatherings. So I allowed it, with a bit of moderation and solid rules around the phone in general. Then he began enjoying his social life in person with friends. I don’t like snap. But it was a trade off. Fairly sure it was the right call.

Rigid thinking in parenting rarely pays off when the situation requires a more nuanced view. Our relationship with each other, and his relationship with his phone, are both reasonably healthy as a result.

This is so effed. Why are parents so weak and kids lack character now? If people actually like your kid they will text.

No, that’s not how it goes. I have a 15 yo and they have a friend, Jane, who has now become a school friend. She is nice girl and they all like her but they stopped inviting her places because of her super controlling parents. The girls are 14 and 15.

Mom couldn’t let go, checking in constantly about who is where and what they are doing and where they are going. If you are this nuts over apps and social media you are also like this. They will not be reaching out separately on text to include your kid when they are all making plans on whatever app they are using.

[Anonymous]

^the final straw was when mom showed up because she didn’t want them at a certain place. Think of it as being at a Starbucks spontaneously when they said they would be at Chipotle and mom found out by tracking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was like you. But I saw my 14 year old suffering because was not in the social mix as he didn’t know what was happening. Not being on snap meant he was not included in the spontaneous gatherings. So I allowed it, with a bit of moderation and solid rules around the phone in general. Then he began enjoying his social life in person with friends. I don’t like snap. But it was a trade off. Fairly sure it was the right call.

Rigid thinking in parenting rarely pays off when the situation requires a more nuanced view. Our relationship with each other, and his relationship with his phone, are both reasonably healthy as a result.

This is so effed. Why are parents so weak and kids lack character now? If people actually like your kid they will text.

No, that’s not how it goes. I have a 15 yo and they have a friend, Jane, who has now become a school friend. She is nice girl and they all like her but they stopped inviting her places because of her super controlling parents. The girls are 14 and 15.

Mom couldn’t let go, checking in constantly about who is where and what they are doing and where they are going. If you are this nuts over apps and social media you are also like this. They will not be reaching out separately on text to include your kid when they are all making plans on whatever app they are using.

OP here. I’m not controlling at all. I want to limit the social media because I want my kid to engage in real life experiences as much as possible. Not online life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t and a complete ban until she is 16 is unrealistic. She will be in HS and might want to join a club or be on a sports team. Social media is used.

Even if you somehow have the one kid who listens to your rules and doesn’t create one of her own, you can’t stop her from being in friends Tik Toks. Do you care about that too?

In the sports team or activity situation you mention, I would allow the creation of an account but with a discussion about what gets posted and maybe even consider waiting to put the app on the phone. Like do an IG account but only access it by computer (to cut down on endless scrolling) and heavily monitor it.

This would be in a situation where social media is being used specifically for a team or club, to communicate about the activity as well as to do things like celebrate wins or feature different athletes. I'd want my DD to be able to participate in that. If it's just that the girls on the team are all using SM, I'd hold out for that age 16 limit and really talk a lot about WHY you are delaying it.

With my own DD, I'm very open with her about how social media came into being when I was in my 30s, and I got sucked into it to the detriment of my mental health. Like I wound up quitting Facebook altogether and no longer keep social media apps on my phone because of the amount of time I was spending on them and the way the apps seemed to draw out and grow my insecurity. We've gone on TikTok, YouTube, and IG reels together and scrolled videos shorts and then talked about what that process feels like and how addictive it is, and I talked to her about how that was when I realized I really had a problem -- I'd get on IG stories and literally lose time, like suddenly realize it was past midnight even though I'd planned to go to bed at 10:30, but I'd literally been scrolling nonstop since then. And realizing that the app is designed to make you do that, it's the whole point. I also used to scroll Twitter and Facebook the same way, just endless scrolling, a total time suck and so much of it was mentally negative (looking at other people's vacation photos and feeling envious, reading commentary on the news and getting mad, etc.).

I'm still on Instagram but only use it on a browser, and never look at reels or stories. This means I go on it every few days for a few minutes and that's it. I quite Facebook and Twitter (I joined BlueSky but rarely look at it, only if there's a really big news story and just to check one list of journalists for updates, no scrolling). I don't use Threads. I think TikTok is spyware and will not create an account. Being able to explain to my DD how I got into a very bad place with social media and what I've done to get to a better place has been really helpful for teaching her about the pitfalls and discussing how it can be used responsibility to stay in touch with friends or follow people related to a hobby, without becoming a time suck or falling prey to FOMO or low self esteem as you compare yourself to the images other people project on social media profiles.

You’re a recovering addict that’s not our problem

Who said it was your problem? The point is that social media is addictive and can really negative impacts on a person if used in an irresponsible or excessive way. OP is obviously concerned about this, it's the premise of the thread. So I shared what I discuss with my own DD to help her see the pitfalls of social media and avoid them.

Do you not warn your kids about the dangers of alcohol or gambling either? Discuss addiction and how to enjoy these activities in responsible ways?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was like you. But I saw my 14 year old suffering because was not in the social mix as he didn’t know what was happening. Not being on snap meant he was not included in the spontaneous gatherings. So I allowed it, with a bit of moderation and solid rules around the phone in general. Then he began enjoying his social life in person with friends. I don’t like snap. But it was a trade off. Fairly sure it was the right call.

Rigid thinking in parenting rarely pays off when the situation requires a more nuanced view. Our relationship with each other, and his relationship with his phone, are both reasonably healthy as a result.

This is so effed. Why are parents so weak and kids lack character now? If people actually like your kid they will text.

No, that’s not how it goes. I have a 15 yo and they have a friend, Jane, who has now become a school friend. She is nice girl and they all like her but they stopped inviting her places because of her super controlling parents. The girls are 14 and 15.

Mom couldn’t let go, checking in constantly about who is where and what they are doing and where they are going. If you are this nuts over apps and social media you are also like this. They will not be reaching out separately on text to include your kid when they are all making plans on whatever app they are using.

OP here. I’m not controlling at all. I want to limit the social media because I want my kid to engage in real life experiences as much as possible. Not online life.

You can’t see how completely limiting online access to social media will prevent real life experiences, when that is how they communicate to coordinate to meet up places? Not at 12 but definitely by 8th grade.

[Anonymous]

Find a social group where other parents feel the way you do.

[Anonymous]

Lock your kid up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was like you. But I saw my 14 year old suffering because was not in the social mix as he didn’t know what was happening. Not being on snap meant he was not included in the spontaneous gatherings. So I allowed it, with a bit of moderation and solid rules around the phone in general. Then he began enjoying his social life in person with friends. I don’t like snap. But it was a trade off. Fairly sure it was the right call.

Rigid thinking in parenting rarely pays off when the situation requires a more nuanced view. Our relationship with each other, and his relationship with his phone, are both reasonably healthy as a result.

This is so effed. Why are parents so weak and kids lack character now? If people actually like your kid they will text.

No, that’s not how it goes. I have a 15 yo and they have a friend, Jane, who has now become a school friend. She is nice girl and they all like her but they stopped inviting her places because of her super controlling parents. The girls are 14 and 15.

Mom couldn’t let go, checking in constantly about who is where and what they are doing and where they are going. If you are this nuts over apps and social media you are also like this. They will not be reaching out separately on text to include your kid when they are all making plans on whatever app they are using.

OP here. I’m not controlling at all. I want to limit the social media because I want my kid to engage in real life experiences as much as possible. Not online life.

Don’t listen to these posters OP who have let their kids run rampant because they are too scared to put limitations on their phone use. You are absolutely doing the right thing. I have told my kids no phones till 15 and no social media until 16 and that’s final. They have an Apple Watch for texting and also an iPad at home.

I have also banned Roblox in my house. My kids have a you tube account and they have access to you tube shorts for one hour everyday. Social media wrecks havoc on developing brains and by limiting it, we are doing our kids a big favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was like you. But I saw my 14 year old suffering because was not in the social mix as he didn’t know what was happening. Not being on snap meant he was not included in the spontaneous gatherings. So I allowed it, with a bit of moderation and solid rules around the phone in general. Then he began enjoying his social life in person with friends. I don’t like snap. But it was a trade off. Fairly sure it was the right call.

Rigid thinking in parenting rarely pays off when the situation requires a more nuanced view. Our relationship with each other, and his relationship with his phone, are both reasonably healthy as a result.

This is so effed. Why are parents so weak and kids lack character now? If people actually like your kid they will text.

No, that’s not how it goes. I have a 15 yo and they have a friend, Jane, who has now become a school friend. She is nice girl and they all like her but they stopped inviting her places because of her super controlling parents. The girls are 14 and 15.

Mom couldn’t let go, checking in constantly about who is where and what they are doing and where they are going. If you are this nuts over apps and social media you are also like this. They will not be reaching out separately on text to include your kid when they are all making plans on whatever app they are using.

OP here. I’m not controlling at all. I want to limit the social media because I want my kid to engage in real life experiences as much as possible. Not online life.

You can’t see how completely limiting online access to social media will prevent real life experiences, when that is how they communicate to coordinate to meet up places? Not at 12 but definitely by 8th grade. [/quote

I have a preteen and a teenager and none of their friends use social media to meet up. Everyone texts each other and they are in multiple group chats. How is social media used to coordinate meet ups? And if your kids are telling you this, you’ve been fooled!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was like you. But I saw my 14 year old suffering because was not in the social mix as he didn’t know what was happening. Not being on snap meant he was not included in the spontaneous gatherings. So I allowed it, with a bit of moderation and solid rules around the phone in general. Then he began enjoying his social life in person with friends. I don’t like snap. But it was a trade off. Fairly sure it was the right call.

Rigid thinking in parenting rarely pays off when the situation requires a more nuanced view. Our relationship with each other, and his relationship with his phone, are both reasonably healthy as a result.

This is so effed. Why are parents so weak and kids lack character now? If people actually like your kid they will text.

No, that’s not how it goes. I have a 15 yo and they have a friend, Jane, who has now become a school friend. She is nice girl and they all like her but they stopped inviting her places because of her super controlling parents. The girls are 14 and 15.

Mom couldn’t let go, checking in constantly about who is where and what they are doing and where they are going. If you are this nuts over apps and social media you are also like this. They will not be reaching out separately on text to include your kid when they are all making plans on whatever app they are using.

OP here. I’m not controlling at all. I want to limit the social media because I want my kid to engage in real life experiences as much as possible. Not online life.

You can’t see how completely limiting online access to social media will prevent real life experiences, when that is how they communicate to coordinate to meet up places? Not at 12 but definitely by 8th grade. [/quote

I have a preteen and a teenager and none of their friends use social media to meet up. Everyone texts each other and they are in multiple group chats. How is social media used to coordinate meet ups? And if your kids are telling you this, you’ve been fooled!

No one is fooled. They use it similar to texting. The social media apps have a texting feature, which they are sending messages in the same way as your kids are sending the group chats. They are purposely trying to exclude the kids not in it, they will just forget because it gets to the point that it’s rare someone doesn’t have snap or IG or whatever the next thing is.