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[quote=Anonymous]This sucks. Your stbx is cowardly and selfish and deceitful and gross.

But the fact is, that's why it's a good thing he's someone else's problem now.

My husband walked out on me a year ago, with some vague words about wanting to separate (which was weird, since we had an active sex life, never fought, etc.). It took me about six weeks to discover there was another woman. I did confront him, and he did admit it (we had already "overcome" an affair ten years earlier, so it wasn't my first rodeo).

And I was angry. People who haven't been through this like to attack you for your anger. How dare you expect respect and honesty from the person who married you, you should have known better that apparently it's OK to chuck those things out the window if your spouse isn't perfect (lots of conditional love-givers, it seems).

But the person who is divorcing you is someone you should be emotionally distancing yourself from. He's not the receptacle for your anger because he doesn't deserve access to your true self or your true thoughts. You'll never know the whole story on who he is or what he's done, but you know enough. And if that is hard to accept then you need to lean into all the self-care and therapy that you can do. Journal. Visit a rage room. Vent to your sister and friends. Write him letters you don't send. Write her letters you don't send. There is nothing wrong with your feelings, but you get to choose how to respond to them.

And yes, your kids will figure it out. There's no way that they won't.

My kids are teenagers and they see stbx for the unreliable doofus that he is. His life has been chaotic and messy since he left, since he himself is chaotic and messy. But I've been doing the work. I grieved. I wept. I journaled. I leaned on friends. I got angry. I composed really funny recaps of the dumb things he said and did. And now it's been a year and while I'm still a little sad and a little mad, I'm mostly indifferent. I can be a friendly coparent with this guy because there's no universe where I would want to be married to him any longer.

His girlfriend told her husband that she had to leave him because he failed to love her as Christ loves the church . . . so she took up with my cheating, alcoholic, atheist husband. I mean, I love it so much. They're perfect for each other.

I have all the love and support of our friends and family. Even his best friend chose me in the divorce. Everyone is rooting for me, and loves to see how happy and thriving I am. Stbx and his girlfriend can have each other.

You don't get to a better mindset just by letting time pass. You need to be intentional. I had a mantra in the early days, "Thank you for letting me go." I said it many times through tears. A year later, the idea that I could be sad about not being with him seems so foreign. And I can't wait to see where I am in another year!

Let this be a time of self-discovery and rebirth for you. Let go what isn't for you. Let dumb cheaters be dumb cheaters. It's OK to tell people your truth, if they are people who can support you right now. But don't try to burn his whole world down, because you'll always be tied to him and it impacts your children too. And chances are, he'll burn down plenty himself. [/quote]

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