18 year old niece choosing guy over college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is her age. The plan is he will work in a trade and she will sell crafts in Etsy, to start. She says she has no interest in school and just wants to start her life.

She doesn't have the greatest relationship with her family so I think she just wants to get away. I wish I could get her to understand that running from her family to this guy is not freedom but it is probably hopeless cause. I just really care for her.

Sigh. Just encourage her to attend community college and try to get an associates degree if she can. She probably just wants to get away from home and her parents ASAP.

She can both get married and attend college as money permits.

LOL like that is easy. It is not.

And her BF making minimum wage she won't be going to college she will get pregnant and be stuck in a crappy life. Then again that is the Project 2025 dream for all women.

I paid for a year of community college as a high school senior using money I made working at a crappy restaurant as a waitress. I think most 18 year olds to scare up the money for community college with a part time job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice is to make sure she tells the college this is just a gap year and that she wants to defer her admission a year.

Also, the ONLY financial support her parents should give her is health insurance. Other than that, she is on her own. If she plans to live at home, she needs to pay rent, utils, and for food. I'm serious. She needs to see what she is signing up for.

And I think YOU should encourage her to go to college.

She is now living with him and it seems his family supports this engagement. I want to encourage her but not sure how and what angle to use. Emphasize the personal growth? increasing in earning potential? That it will be better for the relationship in long run? I am sure her family is giving her all the usual reasons and clearly it is not working. Not sure what angle I can add.

Maybe your angle should be to MYOFB.

Hmm if it were my daughter, I would want anyone and everyone to throw the kitchen sink at her in hopes something will stick.

Agree.

If the goal is to escape from a bad environment, then tell the young student that college offers such an escape (assuming that the student will live on campus).

[Anonymous]

If parents are concerned they can ask to postpone marriage for two years so she can finish community college and he can get a trade license. Their aim doesn't have to control where she lives or whom she marries, aim to help improve her odds of doing well in life. Let them live together and work towards shared goals. Pay for community college tuition so she doesn't have the excuse of cost. She can hold a part time job for other expenses. If either of them wants to pursue further education, they can do it after marriage as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1 If you are able to follow through if necessary, tell her that if things don't work out with the guy she can come live with you--creating an additional option to living with him or living with her parents. Don't frame it as "I know things aren't going to work out, so" but "just in case..."

2 Tell her that if she wants to make her Etsy business successful, she needs to know basic business information. For example, does she know how to keep books? How to price the items she is selling? Figure out whether she is making a profit? Develop a business plan?How to market her product? She can find courses like this at her local community college or a night high school. IOW, make her see that getting some additional schooling will help her succeed in fulfilling her own plan.

A generation ago my own cousin's kid got pregnant and married in similar circumstances. Her husband was a journeyman in a union training program, had an idea for a business related to that trade, but knew zilch about how to run a business. She took courses in accounting, marketing, and basic business law at the local community college. I know it's a one in a million story, but they are still married and have grandchildren and these days the company they started in their little apartment is a multimillion dollar corporation. It turned out the guy truly was a good guy and he'll be the first to tell you he would have failed within the first couple of years if his wife hadn't handled the books, correspondence, billing, pricing, etc. for the business. And she did it with a newborn. (She did get one semester of school in before the baby was born, which helped. )

My point is that you should try to sell some sort of schooling to her as helpful in fulfilling her own plans rather than "you should go to college because then you'll realize what a mistake you're making."

GL!!

This is the only answer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is her age. The plan is he will work in a trade and she will sell crafts in Etsy, to start. She says she has no interest in school and just wants to start her life.

She doesn't have the greatest relationship with her family so I think she just wants to get away. I wish I could get her to understand that running from her family to this guy is not freedom but it is probably hopeless cause. I just really care for her.

Sigh. Just encourage her to attend community college and try to get an associates degree if she can. She probably just wants to get away from home and her parents ASAP.

She can both get married and attend college as money permits.

LOL like that is easy. It is not.

And her BF making minimum wage she won't be going to college she will get pregnant and be stuck in a crappy life. Then again that is the Project 2025 dream for all women.

I paid for a year of community college as a high school senior using money I made working at a crappy restaurant as a waitress. I think most 18 year olds to scare up the money for community college with a part time job.

Not in this economy. With housing and food so expensive, she will barely break even.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My cousins's daughter (which I see a niece if sorts) was set to start college this fall. Instead, she ran off with a guy she met online and got engaged. College plans are on hold and/or out the window at this point.

I know, mind my own business, but for some reason this really hit close to home for me. I am not super close to her or anything but have watched her grow up and she is a great kid and I was so excited for her going to college and getting some independence. And as a parent (of younger kids) myself, I feel like this would be my worst nightmare. So my question is, for those who went through this, either as the child or the parent, is there ANYTHING anyone can do or say to her at this point? Or is this a lost cause? She claims she is in love and this is what she wants.

You seem caring but you may benefit from therapy to help you disengage from this situation. This woman is an adult and not your child. There are many adult women around you making bad decisions every day. Focus on your own decision making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is her age. The plan is he will work in a trade and she will sell crafts in Etsy, to start. She says she has no interest in school and just wants to start her life.

She doesn't have the greatest relationship with her family so I think she just wants to get away. I wish I could get her to understand that running from her family to this guy is not freedom but it is probably hopeless cause. I just really care for her.

She might just want to get away from her family. Would you help her pay for College? Would you invite her to move in with you instead?

If the answer is yes to both, then have a talk with her.

If the answer is not to either one....then mind your own business, she's fine!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice is to make sure she tells the college this is just a gap year and that she wants to defer her admission a year.

Also, the ONLY financial support her parents should give her is health insurance. Other than that, she is on her own. If she plans to live at home, she needs to pay rent, utils, and for food. I'm serious. She needs to see what she is signing up for.

And I think YOU should encourage her to go to college.

She is now living with him and it seems his family supports this engagement. I want to encourage her but not sure how and what angle to use. Emphasize the personal growth? increasing in earning potential? That it will be better for the relationship in long run? I am sure her family is giving her all the usual reasons and clearly it is not working. Not sure what angle I can add.

Maybe your angle should be to MYOFB.

Hmm if it were my daughter, I would want anyone and everyone to throw the kitchen sink at her in hopes something will stick.

+1. I know many adults who have made bad decisions when they were younger, who now wish that someone would have stepped in when they were younger to try to offer some good advice. An aunt is a particularly good person to potentially weigh in, as the girl may be more inclined to take advice from someone at arm's length, than from the parents.

I think that the OP should try to at least suggest that she can still go to college while engaged. That's what I would do.

[Anonymous]

Send her data about the financial benefits of a degree?

And the risks associated with a teen marriage (and God forbid pregnancy).

Maybe she needs help to get set up with reliable birth control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her the best way for them to build their life together for strong long-term prospects is for her to get a college degree. He can still do his thing, she can do Etsy on the side or whatever, but as a couple they should prioritize increasing her earning potential by her getting the degree. She can do both things: be with him and get her degree. If she’s receptive to data, you can give her some statistics on earnings with and without a college degree, etc.

Also tell her to make sure she’s on solid, reliable birth control because children now would not fit into a good long-term plan “for them.”

My heart would break if this happened to my niece, and I agree with the PP who said anything you say will land differently. But don’t criticize him, don’t criticize her decision, but instead frame everything in a way that emphasizes the positive and the necessity of the path you are suggesting.

I agree with the PP who said the parents should not give her any financial support other than health insurance.

Can you tell us more about the guy?

I don't know much about the guy other than he is her age, and is doing a trade (think plumbing or blacksmith). No college interest/potential on his part. She says he is smart, nice, perfect etc. I am assuming he is just a naive teenager much like herself.

He's doing a trade which is not bad.
Licensed plumbers can make bank. It does require math skills, advanced planning and problem solving abilities.
I think blacksmiths went the way of the Auto-gyro.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her the best way for them to build their life together for strong long-term prospects is for her to get a college degree. He can still do his thing, she can do Etsy on the side or whatever, but as a couple they should prioritize increasing her earning potential by her getting the degree. She can do both things: be with him and get her degree. If she’s receptive to data, you can give her some statistics on earnings with and without a college degree, etc.

Also tell her to make sure she’s on solid, reliable birth control because children now would not fit into a good long-term plan “for them.”

My heart would break if this happened to my niece, and I agree with the PP who said anything you say will land differently. But don’t criticize him, don’t criticize her decision, but instead frame everything in a way that emphasizes the positive and the necessity of the path you are suggesting.

I agree with the PP who said the parents should not give her any financial support other than health insurance.

Can you tell us more about the guy?

I don't know much about the guy other than he is her age, and is doing a trade (think plumbing or blacksmith). No college interest/potential on his part. She says he is smart, nice, perfect etc. I am assuming he is just a naive teenager much like herself.

He's doing a trade which is not bad.
Licensed plumbers can make bank. It does require math skills, advanced planning and problem solving abilities.
I think blacksmiths went the way of the Auto-gyro.

I think it’s probably blacksmith like the popular reality show Forged in Fire.

Interestingly enough there was an article about the need for skilled horseshoe people (which is probably what you think of a blacksmith).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Warn her about the costs of pregnancy and child rearing.

+1 Things are usually rosy and great in the beginning, but life is expensive no matter where you live. A woman needs to be able to be financially independent. That's not to say that women shouldn't ever be sahm, but you need to have a backup plan, just in case, and that backup plan is you.

My family situation wasn't great, either, but rather than seeing a man as my plan, I got a college degree from a no name state u and busted my a$$ to become financially independent. I have seen too many relationships where the woman was financially dependent on the man so they had to stay in the abusive relationship. I was never going to let that happen to me.

FWIW, been married 20 years with two kids, one in college, and one DD a senior in HS. I have drilled it into her that a man is not a plan.

What is she making on etsy? IMO that's more like a PT job than a real job for 99% of people on Etsy. She is dependent on her bf, and that's never a good thing.

[Anonymous]

She can go to college later. I don't think it's helpful for you to make this into a big deal.

[Anonymous]

College probably doesn't seem like a great bet for kids looking at the current market

[Anonymous]

College and spinsterhood isn't all that what it cracked up to be. Getting engaged doesn't have to mean immediately getting married, pregnant, divorced and bankrupt.