18 year old niece choosing guy over college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice is to make sure she tells the college this is just a gap year and that she wants to defer her admission a year.

Also, the ONLY financial support her parents should give her is health insurance. Other than that, she is on her own. If she plans to live at home, she needs to pay rent, utils, and for food. I'm serious. She needs to see what she is signing up for.

And I think YOU should encourage her to go to college.

She is now living with him and it seems his family supports this engagement. I want to encourage her but not sure how and what angle to use. Emphasize the personal growth? increasing in earning potential? That it will be better for the relationship in long run? I am sure her family is giving her all the usual reasons and clearly it is not working. Not sure what angle I can add.

Maybe your angle should be to MYOFB.

THIS. Your cousin's kid? You're way out of line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My cousins's daughter (which I see a niece if sorts) was set to start college this fall. Instead, she ran off with a guy she met online and got engaged. College plans are on hold and/or out the window at this point.

I know, mind my own business, but for some reason this really hit close to home for me. I am not super close to her or anything but have watched her grow up and she is a great kid and I was so excited for her going to college and getting some independence. And as a parent (of younger kids) myself, I feel like this would be my worst nightmare. So my question is, for those who went through this, either as the child or the parent, is there ANYTHING anyone can do or say to her at this point? Or is this a lost cause? She claims she is in love and this is what she wants.

You've to instill common sense early on about crucial importance of education and financial independence. Kids should know that if they fall in love, they don't have to run away and drop out of school to marry them, parents would help and guide them find ways to do both.

As far as said niece is concerned, she is married not dead. She can still go to college and pursue a career as a married woman. If they are married, she won't have to show financials of her parents for aid so likely to get a full free ride.

[Anonymous]

Warn her about the costs of pregnancy and child rearing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My cousins's daughter (which I see a niece if sorts) was set to start college this fall. Instead, she ran off with a guy she met online and got engaged. College plans are on hold and/or out the window at this point.

I know, mind my own business, but for some reason this really hit close to home for me. I am not super close to her or anything but have watched her grow up and she is a great kid and I was so excited for her going to college and getting some independence. And as a parent (of younger kids) myself, I feel like this would be my worst nightmare. So my question is, for those who went through this, either as the child or the parent, is there ANYTHING anyone can do or say to her at this point? Or is this a lost cause? She claims she is in love and this is what she wants.

Some kids (I'd hardly call her an adult, except she is one legally) need to learn their life lessons paunfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell her that there are plenty of engaged people who attend college. Invite her to come home and begin classes. Do not harp on the engagement. She will dump him once she realizes the opportunities she is giving up. Right now, they are theoretical, but get her on campus with good courses and young men her own age with bright futures and she’ll reconsider.

For all we know, he is as young and naive as her and both of them can get education and build a life together.

[Anonymous]

If her family was understanding and supportive, she wouldn't have to run away or drop out. He is probably as naive and helping her survive. His parents as worried about him leaving school but instead of putting them on street, trying to help them survive.

[Anonymous]

Oh boy. Just hope she's on birth control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh boy. Just hope she's on birth control.

She can restart after anything else. But yes, if you can at least make sure she's serious about birth control, that would be great. She can come to her senses in 1 year or 3, but if she has a kid with him, it's a huge mess.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all for some great advice. I've reached out to her and trying to keep a dialogue open. I think she felt forced to choose either him or her family/college. I am not sure her parents are willing to pay for college if she is engaged to this guy. I think one lesson here is don't give your growing kids any ultimatums.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My cousins's daughter (which I see a niece if sorts) was set to start college this fall. Instead, she ran off with a guy she met online and got engaged. College plans are on hold and/or out the window at this point.

I know, mind my own business, but for some reason this really hit close to home for me. I am not super close to her or anything but have watched her grow up and she is a great kid and I was so excited for her going to college and getting some independence. And as a parent (of younger kids) myself, I feel like this would be my worst nightmare. So my question is, for those who went through this, either as the child or the parent, is there ANYTHING anyone can do or say to her at this point? Or is this a lost cause? She claims she is in love and this is what she wants.

You've to instill common sense early on about crucial importance of education and financial independence. Kids should know that if they fall in love, they don't have to run away and drop out of school to marry them, parents would help and guide them find ways to do both.

As far as said niece is concerned, she is married not dead. She can still go to college and pursue a career as a married woman. If they are married, she won't have to show financials of her parents for aid so likely to get a full free ride.

A full free ride?? Where would that happen?
And how is spouse to support them both while she commutes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all for some great advice. I've reached out to her and trying to keep a dialogue open. I think she felt forced to choose either him or her family/college. I am not sure her parents are willing to pay for college if she is engaged to this guy. I think one lesson here is don't give your growing kids any ultimatums.

Why??? That's a HUGE parenting fail. An engagement can be broken off. But college is hard to get into and pursue if you let too many gap years pass.

Is this guy bad news, or is he just a regular guy?

You're doing the right thing, OP, by keeping communication lines open. Try and persuade both sides here that their stances are too extreme. Your niece can attend college AND get engaged and married if she wants.

[Anonymous]

Tell her the best way for them to build their life together for strong long-term prospects is for her to get a college degree. He can still do his thing, she can do Etsy on the side or whatever, but as a couple they should prioritize increasing her earning potential by her getting the degree. She can do both things: be with him and get her degree. If she’s receptive to data, you can give her some statistics on earnings with and without a college degree, etc.

Also tell her to make sure she’s on solid, reliable birth control because children now would not fit into a good long-term plan “for them.”

My heart would break if this happened to my niece, and I agree with the PP who said anything you say will land differently. But don’t criticize him, don’t criticize her decision, but instead frame everything in a way that emphasizes the positive and the necessity of the path you are suggesting.

I agree with the PP who said the parents should not give her any financial support other than health insurance.

Can you tell us more about the guy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all for some great advice. I've reached out to her and trying to keep a dialogue open. I think she felt forced to choose either him or her family/college. I am not sure her parents are willing to pay for college if she is engaged to this guy. I think one lesson here is don't give your growing kids any ultimatums.

Why would they cut off the rope to the life preserver? Can you talk to your sibling about this?

[Anonymous]

She needs an IUD. Yesterday.

Also OP kids rarely take steps like this if things are even so-so at home. You mentioned that she doesn't have a great relationship with her family...are these actions totally out of the blue? If you were close enough to her to feel this level of concern, does this come as a total surprise? Honestly asking.

Also again, to repeat, IUD. Engagements and even first marriages can be blips in a young person's history. Kids are forever.

[Anonymous]

So much changes when you leave home. Let it play out. It usually doesn't last for longer than a semester.