18 year old niece choosing guy over college

[Anonymous]

My cousins's daughter (which I see a niece if sorts) was set to start college this fall. Instead, she ran off with a guy she met online and got engaged. College plans are on hold and/or out the window at this point.

I know, mind my own business, but for some reason this really hit close to home for me. I am not super close to her or anything but have watched her grow up and she is a great kid and I was so excited for her going to college and getting some independence. And as a parent (of younger kids) myself, I feel like this would be my worst nightmare. So my question is, for those who went through this, either as the child or the parent, is there ANYTHING anyone can do or say to her at this point? Or is this a lost cause? She claims she is in love and this is what she wants.

[Anonymous]

I would be heartbroken too. I "ran away" with a guy too, but I still enrolled in college at my destination and he was fully supportive of that.

[Anonymous]

I’d tell her that there are plenty of engaged people who attend college. Invite her to come home and begin classes. Do not harp on the engagement. She will dump him once she realizes the opportunities she is giving up. Right now, they are theoretical, but get her on campus with good courses and young men her own age with bright futures and she’ll reconsider.

[Anonymous]

Not a lost cause but definitely not great

For one if he was a good guy he world support her being educated

How are they supporting themselves?

I’d be concerned he is isolating her and that isn’t good .

[Anonymous]

Military? If so, encourage her to look at enrolling at a college where they live.

[Anonymous]

He is her age. The plan is he will work in a trade and she will sell crafts in Etsy, to start. She says she has no interest in school and just wants to start her life.

She doesn't have the greatest relationship with her family so I think she just wants to get away. I wish I could get her to understand that running from her family to this guy is not freedom but it is probably hopeless cause. I just really care for her.

[Anonymous]

My advice is to make sure she tells the college this is just a gap year and that she wants to defer her admission a year.

Also, the ONLY financial support her parents should give her is health insurance. Other than that, she is on her own. If she plans to live at home, she needs to pay rent, utils, and for food. I'm serious. She needs to see what she is signing up for.

And I think YOU should encourage her to go to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice is to make sure she tells the college this is just a gap year and that she wants to defer her admission a year.

Also, the ONLY financial support her parents should give her is health insurance. Other than that, she is on her own. If she plans to live at home, she needs to pay rent, utils, and for food. I'm serious. She needs to see what she is signing up for.

And I think YOU should encourage her to go to college.

She is now living with him and it seems his family supports this engagement. I want to encourage her but not sure how and what angle to use. Emphasize the personal growth? increasing in earning potential? That it will be better for the relationship in long run? I am sure her family is giving her all the usual reasons and clearly it is not working. Not sure what angle I can add.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice is to make sure she tells the college this is just a gap year and that she wants to defer her admission a year.

Also, the ONLY financial support her parents should give her is health insurance. Other than that, she is on her own. If she plans to live at home, she needs to pay rent, utils, and for food. I'm serious. She needs to see what she is signing up for.

And I think YOU should encourage her to go to college.

She is now living with him and it seems his family supports this engagement. I want to encourage her but not sure how and what angle to use. Emphasize the personal growth? increasing in earning potential? That it will be better for the relationship in long run? I am sure her family is giving her all the usual reasons and clearly it is not working. Not sure what angle I can add.

Maybe your angle should be to MYOFB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice is to make sure she tells the college this is just a gap year and that she wants to defer her admission a year.

Also, the ONLY financial support her parents should give her is health insurance. Other than that, she is on her own. If she plans to live at home, she needs to pay rent, utils, and for food. I'm serious. She needs to see what she is signing up for.

And I think YOU should encourage her to go to college.

She is now living with him and it seems his family supports this engagement. I want to encourage her but not sure how and what angle to use. Emphasize the personal growth? increasing in earning potential? That it will be better for the relationship in long run? I am sure her family is giving her all the usual reasons and clearly it is not working. Not sure what angle I can add.

But you are not her parents, OP. That is the crucial difference. You can say exactly the same thing, and it will land differently. Please try, for her sake. It's not about personal growth - she'd getting that regardless! It's about her long-term earning potential. She MUST go to college, especially if it's paid for by her parents and not by her own loans. if it was her own loans, I wouldn't insist as much, unless it's a cheap community college and then a transfer to state U. If her parents are paying, then whatever she was accepted into that they can afford.

[Anonymous]

^ and don't say it's either/or. She can marry this person, and they can live off campus, or have whatever arrangement they want. She can have her cake and eat it too. That's the angle.

[Anonymous]

Your angle should be to maintain warm and open communication.

Hopefully things work out! in the event they don’t you don’t want her to feel like she’s crawling back to family that “told her so.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice is to make sure she tells the college this is just a gap year and that she wants to defer her admission a year.

Also, the ONLY financial support her parents should give her is health insurance. Other than that, she is on her own. If she plans to live at home, she needs to pay rent, utils, and for food. I'm serious. She needs to see what she is signing up for.

And I think YOU should encourage her to go to college.

She is now living with him and it seems his family supports this engagement. I want to encourage her but not sure how and what angle to use. Emphasize the personal growth? increasing in earning potential? That it will be better for the relationship in long run? I am sure her family is giving her all the usual reasons and clearly it is not working. Not sure what angle I can add.

Maybe your angle should be to MYOFB.

Hmm if it were my daughter, I would want anyone and everyone to throw the kitchen sink at her in hopes something will stick.

[Anonymous]

Maintain open communication. That's all you can do, without driving her away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice is to make sure she tells the college this is just a gap year and that she wants to defer her admission a year.

Also, the ONLY financial support her parents should give her is health insurance. Other than that, she is on her own. If she plans to live at home, she needs to pay rent, utils, and for food. I'm serious. She needs to see what she is signing up for.

And I think YOU should encourage her to go to college.

She is now living with him and it seems his family supports this engagement. I want to encourage her but not sure how and what angle to use. Emphasize the personal growth? increasing in earning potential? That it will be better for the relationship in long run? I am sure her family is giving her all the usual reasons and clearly it is not working. Not sure what angle I can add.

Again, try to make sure she defers rather than cancels. It may be too late for that, but try.

Are you close enough to discuss birth control with her or give her the name of a good gyn who can discuss birth control?

If she gets engaged, encourage a long engagement.

Hopefully she will get sick of this guy.