Any men here who walked away from their families?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a few friends whose dads did this series of things:

Divorced,
Rarely if ever talked to or saw their kids,
then remarried, and either
had more kids whom they actively parented,
or raised stepkids essentially as their own.

Actively raising stepkids (financial support, etc.) when you've walked away from your kids is insane. I know it's more about raising the stepkids as extensions of the new wife but still. A couple friends had to scrape together financial aid and everything else to pay for their own college, for example, when the father paid for after-school activities and college for the stepkids.

A lot of men only prioritize the kids of the woman they are currently having sex with. It's bizarre, but happens enough that it's a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men who do that are so in denial that they would never give you a straight answer here. Most won’t even see themselves as having walked away.

This. These are the ones who will swear their crazy wife "turned the kids against him."

That's basically what my now-ex said, that he didn't walk away from his whole family, he just walked away from me. Since he left me 100% custody, he might want to re-evaluate that framing...

The kind of person who can do this has some mental yoga tricks that help them deny or disengage from the reality of their actions. My ex and I spend a LOT of time in therapy before he left. He never wanted to do the work on himself, he just wanted someone to diagnose me and say it was all my fault so he'd have some kind of validation for his narratives. When that didn't happen, he bailed. It's a powerful statement of someone's priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like many men, my father was narcissistic and an egomaniac. So of course he left my mother to raise his 4 children alone when we were all younger than 8, never saw him again. Fifty years later, his children are all grad school educated professionals, he's dying alone in a crummy nursing home, and he's complaining that his "beloved" children don't support him financially and never visited him.

DH’s dad walked out when he was 8, was a complete jackass when he sporadically saw DH (ie, had DH hang out outside the bar by himself while the dad was inside), never paid any child support and DH’s mom really struggled financially for years, emailed DH every couple of years when DH was an adult. The dad had a medical event recently and told his friend to call DH. DH was like, do I really have to go halfway across the country to help him? I told him I didn’t think he owed his dad anything. Actions have consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question about the men who do this and then launch new families with a younger woman. Do those stick or do they end up walking away from those too?

I’m the new wife (now ex-wife). I was actually wife #3. Yes, I was stupid, and yes, I should have known better.

He tried to stick it out because a third divorce and broken family looks bad, but even though he was physically in the home, mentally and emotionally he was completely checked out.

Reality is a lot of men simply don’t want families and go through with it because of pressure from society, peer groups, family, etc. In our case, I do believe he wanted companionship, and he only went through with marriage and kids because I was going to break up with him if he didn’t.

He moved about 10 minutes from me and we do 50/50 custody. I don’t know how he parents (DC is 3, so can’t communicate about xH’s parenting) and I don’t know if he’ll end up bailing like he did on his first two families. It would not surprise me if he did leave (with the first two he moved out of state “for work”), but I do think he’s a better father when he only has to be a father half the time and can spend the rest of the time on his hobbies, which aren’t very compatible with family life.

Even if he does stick around, I know he won’t be contributing to DC’s college fund or leaving any sort of inheritance. He is absolutely terrible with money and convinced his oldest child (23yo) not to go to college because he didn’t want to pay for it, which has of course ruined that child’s life and they bounce from minimum wage job to minimum wage job. He also never paid child support for any of his previous kids, even though he saw them only 1-2 times a year and their moms had full custody.

When younger women ask me for dating advice, I always tell them if a man is an even the slightest bit hesitant at the idea of marriage and kids, dump him. Don’t try to convince him. Don’t issue ultimatums. Don’t believe them when you dump them and they come crawling, swearing they changed their mind. They didn’t. They just don’t want to be alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a few friends whose dads did this series of things:

Divorced,
Rarely if ever talked to or saw their kids,
then remarried, and either
had more kids whom they actively parented,
or raised stepkids essentially as their own.

Actively raising stepkids (financial support, etc.) when you've walked away from your kids is insane. I know it's more about raising the stepkids as extensions of the new wife but still. A couple friends had to scrape together financial aid and everything else to pay for their own college, for example, when the father paid for after-school activities and college for the stepkids.

A lot of men only prioritize the kids of the woman they are currently having sex with. It's bizarre, but happens enough that it's a thing.

This is absolutely where most men’s loyalty lies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume they would say what every man says after a break up: “My ex wife was crazy.”

If they truly believed this they should get their kids away from the crazy mom.

But we all know it's bs.

[Anonymous]

My dad did. I haven’t seen him since his brothers funeral when I was maybe 12 or 13. And at that point I hadn’t seen him for like 10 years prior. Haven’t even spoken to him since. I know the general area he lives and I keep in touch with other family. Apparently he has FB so could contact me if he wanted 🤷‍♀️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's obviously really bad for society in many ways- bad for families, bad for the children involved, bad for the second set of kids, just generally destructive of family life. It also messes with the dating pool and is damaging for women in general.

So I'm not sure why it's not more openly condemned or talked about. I guess since most media and public outlets are controlled by older men.

It's interesting to me that with all the talk about traditional families and conservative culture now, people don't talk about this more. Maybe young conservative women are content to marry middle-aged men on their second or third families? But men leaving their families to start a second family is pretty high on the list of societal dysfunction.

It is not talked about for several reasons. The first of which is that our society prioritizes freedom and choice above almost all else, especially responsibility and tradition. The second of which is that the concept that marriage is between one man and one woman is also viewed as outdated, old-fashioned, and an outdated relic of Christian morality. The third of which is that it is a currently popular espoused belief among elites that all different types of family structures are equally good for raising children.

It would be better for kids if poly marriages were legalized and men allowed to host 2 families in the same house. And obligated to take care of kids (minimum college costs, as in Germany for example).

Doesn’t Germany pay for college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's obviously really bad for society in many ways- bad for families, bad for the children involved, bad for the second set of kids, just generally destructive of family life. It also messes with the dating pool and is damaging for women in general.

So I'm not sure why it's not more openly condemned or talked about. I guess since most media and public outlets are controlled by older men.

It's interesting to me that with all the talk about traditional families and conservative culture now, people don't talk about this more. Maybe young conservative women are content to marry middle-aged men on their second or third families? But men leaving their families to start a second family is pretty high on the list of societal dysfunction.

It is not talked about for several reasons. The first of which is that our society prioritizes freedom and choice above almost all else, especially responsibility and tradition. The second of which is that the concept that marriage is between one man and one woman is also viewed as outdated, old-fashioned, and an outdated relic of Christian morality. The third of which is that it is a currently popular espoused belief among elites that all different types of family structures are equally good for raising children.

It would be better for kids if poly marriages were legalized and men allowed to host 2 families in the same house. And obligated to take care of kids (minimum college costs, as in Germany for example).

Doesn’t Germany pay for college?

College is free but parents must cover living expenses of young adults up to the highest level of education achieved by the parents. Eg if exH has a grad degree and kids want to get there, the father has to support them in grad school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question about the men who do this and then launch new families with a younger woman. Do those stick or do they end up walking away from those too?

I’m the new wife (now ex-wife). I was actually wife #3. Yes, I was stupid, and yes, I should have known better.

He tried to stick it out because a third divorce and broken family looks bad, but even though he was physically in the home, mentally and emotionally he was completely checked out.

Reality is a lot of men simply don’t want families and go through with it because of pressure from society, peer groups, family, etc. In our case, I do believe he wanted companionship, and he only went through with marriage and kids because I was going to break up with him if he didn’t.

He moved about 10 minutes from me and we do 50/50 custody. I don’t know how he parents (DC is 3, so can’t communicate about xH’s parenting) and I don’t know if he’ll end up bailing like he did on his first two families. It would not surprise me if he did leave (with the first two he moved out of state “for work”), but I do think he’s a better father when he only has to be a father half the time and can spend the rest of the time on his hobbies, which aren’t very compatible with family life.

Even if he does stick around, I know he won’t be contributing to DC’s college fund or leaving any sort of inheritance. He is absolutely terrible with money and convinced his oldest child (23yo) not to go to college because he didn’t want to pay for it, which has of course ruined that child’s life and they bounce from minimum wage job to minimum wage job. He also never paid child support for any of his previous kids, even though he saw them only 1-2 times a year and their moms had full custody.

When younger women ask me for dating advice, I always tell them if a man is an even the slightest bit hesitant at the idea of marriage and kids, dump him. Don’t try to convince him. Don’t issue ultimatums. Don’t believe them when you dump them and they come crawling, swearing they changed their mind. They didn’t. They just don’t want to be alone.

I am so curious how he managed to get you to marry him. Did he just conceal all of this?

[Anonymous]

It would be better for kids if poly marriages were legalized and men allowed to host 2 families in the same house. And obligated to take care of kids (minimum college costs, as in Germany for exampl

Hard no. This is crazy.

[Anonymous]

Unsurprisingly, no men who did this are responding.

[Anonymous]

I know I will get slammed, but most of these marriages are dead and transactional by that point anyway. It’s rarely a shock to anyone, and in retrospect, often a blessing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a few friends whose dads did this series of things:

Divorced,
Rarely if ever talked to or saw their kids,
then remarried, and either
had more kids whom they actively parented,
or raised stepkids essentially as their own.

Actively raising stepkids (financial support, etc.) when you've walked away from your kids is insane. I know it's more about raising the stepkids as extensions of the new wife but still. A couple friends had to scrape together financial aid and everything else to pay for their own college, for example, when the father paid for after-school activities and college for the stepkids.

A lot of men only prioritize the kids of the woman they are currently having sex with. It's bizarre, but happens enough that it's a thing.

Yeah and a lot of women prioritize the man they're currently having sex with over their kids from a previous marriage. That's why kids getting molested by stepdads is very common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question about the men who do this and then launch new families with a younger woman. Do those stick or do they end up walking away from those too?

I’m the new wife (now ex-wife). I was actually wife #3. Yes, I was stupid, and yes, I should have known better.

He tried to stick it out because a third divorce and broken family looks bad, but even though he was physically in the home, mentally and emotionally he was completely checked out.

Reality is a lot of men simply don’t want families and go through with it because of pressure from society, peer groups, family, etc. In our case, I do believe he wanted companionship, and he only went through with marriage and kids because I was going to break up with him if he didn’t.

He moved about 10 minutes from me and we do 50/50 custody. I don’t know how he parents (DC is 3, so can’t communicate about xH’s parenting) and I don’t know if he’ll end up bailing like he did on his first two families. It would not surprise me if he did leave (with the first two he moved out of state “for work”), but I do think he’s a better father when he only has to be a father half the time and can spend the rest of the time on his hobbies, which aren’t very compatible with family life.

Even if he does stick around, I know he won’t be contributing to DC’s college fund or leaving any sort of inheritance. He is absolutely terrible with money and convinced his oldest child (23yo) not to go to college because he didn’t want to pay for it, which has of course ruined that child’s life and they bounce from minimum wage job to minimum wage job. He also never paid child support for any of his previous kids, even though he saw them only 1-2 times a year and their moms had full custody.

When younger women ask me for dating advice, I always tell them if a man is an even the slightest bit hesitant at the idea of marriage and kids, dump him. Don’t try to convince him. Don’t issue ultimatums. Don’t believe them when you dump them and they come crawling, swearing they changed their mind. They didn’t. They just don’t want to be alone.

I am so curious how he managed to get you to marry him. Did he just conceal all of this?

Honestly, I'm baffled myself how I fell for it. My self-esteem is great. What I think happened:

1. He actually did years of therapy and knew all the right things to say. I do believe on some level he wanted to change. But all therapy really did was give him a bunch of buzzwords to make it sound like he had changed. However, since he did therapy before we met and throughout the duration of our relationship, I took that as a sign he was committed, was improving, and was serious about me.

2. We had intense physical chemistry. I'm not usually a slave to pheromones or my hormones, but yowza. Hard to explain if you haven't experienced that yourself.

3. We had a ton in common, more than I'd had with anyone prior. We actually made great friends, and everyone always says to marry your best friend.

4. I actually did break up with him multiple times over the fact that I wanted marriage & kids, and he didn't. I'd end things cordially, saying what we wanted wasn't in alignment, he'd come crawling to me a couple weeks/months later saying he'd been reflecting on it, talking to his therapist, etc, and realized he actually did want to get married and have a family. And he *would* follow through on whatever he promised.

I also think a lot is messaging from the media and pop culture that if a man wants you, he will change for you. I've since learned that no, people don't ever actually change. They may try, they may seem to, but you can't undo decades of habits and patterns.