Anxious generation in practice

[Anonymous]

Letting kids do tasks attached to money… makes them feel way less anxious (or distracted by the handling of money.).

At soccer fields, I have told a combination of my 13 (yes easy for her), 10, and 7 to take $5 and buy a few snacks for us.

Sometimes is the 13 and 7 together. Sometimes is the 10 and 7 together.

But they don’t get worried because the snack and money excites them.

Then they learn to interact with others, find things, etc. It’s a starting point for 6+, plus if you can put them with a friend or sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Letting kids do tasks attached to money… makes them feel way less anxious (or distracted by the handling of money.).

At soccer fields, I have told a combination of my 13 (yes easy for her), 10, and 7 to take $5 and buy a few snacks for us.

Sometimes is the 13 and 7 together. Sometimes is the 10 and 7 together.

But they don’t get worried because the snack and money excites them.

Then they learn to interact with others, find things, etc. It’s a starting point for 6+, plus if you can put them with a friend or sibling.

Other examples are pool snacks. “I have $3 for each of you or you can combine it and see what you can get. See ya.” They negotiated buying nachos together and sharing so they had room to buy a slushie.

Dropping off the check at the orthodontist (ugh that was our old orthodontist, now our current one is recurring credit card).

I’m going to start my oldest making her own dentist and orthodontic appointments.

And one day I will make them call for pizza like I had to do in 1997. Do they still take phone orders?!

[Anonymous]

^i sort of wish her orthodontist took checks. I suppose I could set that up. But they probably queue parents up on the recurring cc because it guarantees their money.

If they’ll take it, I love the idea of my child walking in, waiting for the desk employee to finish their phone call, get the check, ask whose account it posts to. My child benefits seeing the $300 amount on there every month.

Now it’s blind. It’s in the background. My child appreciates our paying, but she doesn’t ‘see’ it when it’s auto-draft.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fly cross country as an unaccompanied minor with airline was a big one for our kids. They always seemed to come back matured from the experience. It worked. By 13 our oldest was returning solo from an international trip he was invited on with a friend’s family (the family had a summer home and stayed for the whole summer). This year at age 15, 12 and 8, we flew all three kids cross country to California without registering them as unaccompanied minors. The oldest was in charge.

Lots of other things already covered here. DH is big on giving the kids a budget for family needs and DH will split the savings with the kids on whatever they end up buying. Gives kids an incentive to save money.

We haven’t had a reason to do this yet, but my 13 year old would be fine doing this. That is because we travel a lot and she is totally used to navigating airports. I will say that my little sister flew by herself at age 4 in 1983. I’m sure that the flight attendants kept an eye on her (or whatever they did back in those days). But looking back, I think my parents were wackadoodle.

[Anonymous]

I was an anxious parent and kids are doing fine personally and professionally as adults.

That being said, if given a second chance, I would try to be a tad bit less cautious to make it a more relaxed experience for them and myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^i sort of wish her orthodontist took checks. I suppose I could set that up. But they probably queue parents up on the recurring cc because it guarantees their money.

If they’ll take it, I love the idea of my child walking in, waiting for the desk employee to finish their phone call, get the check, ask whose account it posts to. My child benefits seeing the $300 amount on there every month.

Now it’s blind. It’s in the background. My child appreciates our paying, but she doesn’t ‘see’ it when it’s auto-draft.

Yes, this is a problem with money in general these days. Everything is automatic and online and paperless.

But I've sat down with my kid to show her things like our electric bill, with charts showing our usage over time and explaining what different line items are, like when they add fees for surge pricing or improvements to the power grid some years. Or we've shown her our household budget and how we decide how much we can spend on, for instance, streaming services. That one was really helpful because sometimes she'll complain when we do the cheap plan for some services and we have to watch ads. Obviously I don't enjoy the ads either, but in some cases this can be the difference between getting that particular streamer at all or not, because we can get the ad-based version for less than $20 for the entire year, versus paying $15-20/mo for the ad-free version. We'll point out how the savings there pay for other entertainment, like going to the movies or going roller skating as a family or going out to dinner, so that we stay in budget for entertainment. That really resonated with her and she seems more thoughtful about how discretionary spending sometimes involves tradeoffs like that. Like let's just do a longer trip to Grandma's this year for summer vacation and then maybe we can go somewhere special outside the US next year. I love that she's thinking that way already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fly cross country as an unaccompanied minor with airline was a big one for our kids. They always seemed to come back matured from the experience. It worked. By 13 our oldest was returning solo from an international trip he was invited on with a friend’s family (the family had a summer home and stayed for the whole summer). This year at age 15, 12 and 8, we flew all three kids cross country to California without registering them as unaccompanied minors. The oldest was in charge.

Lots of other things already covered here. DH is big on giving the kids a budget for family needs and DH will split the savings with the kids on whatever they end up buying. Gives kids an incentive to save money.

We haven’t had a reason to do this yet, but my 13 year old would be fine doing this. That is because we travel a lot and she is totally used to navigating airports. I will say that my little sister flew by herself at age 4 in 1983. I’m sure that the flight attendants kept an eye on her (or whatever they did back in those days). But looking back, I think my parents were wackadoodle.

Yeah my kid also hasn't done this and probably won't until she's a teen because there's no reason, but I don't worry about it because she's traveled so much. Airplane travel is so regimented as well -- it's actually somewhat hard to screw up because the process is so controlled.

I think road trips and visiting a city where she doesn't know anyone are bigger milestones. Road trips on your own or with friends require planning and maturity, mapping out routes, making sure you know where gas or charging stations are or where to stop for food, plus there are many situations where you need to be self-aware and cautious when traveling in more rural locations, especially as a woman alone or in a group of women.

And I remember traveling to another city where I didn't know anyone and stayed in a hotel on my own and navigated the city totally on my own, for the first time in college. It was pretty thrilling, but again requires a certain skill set. I think back on some of the mistakes I made and cringe now. I had zero prep on this from my parents, we didn't travel much in general and I don't think it ever occurred to them that there were things I needed to know. So it was all trial and error on my own. Though that's a good way to learn quickly!

[Anonymous]

We let our 7 y/o walk to school by himself. We also sent him to camp for a month this summer.

It's not hard to let kids develop, but you have to let them do things. If you try to remove all the risk and never let them fail, let alone overcome, they're far more likely to be anxious when they grow up.

In our family, DH always pushes the kids to take on risk, and it helps them immensely when they are older.

[Anonymous]

Our 8 yo bikes a mile to school on neighborhood streets. His chain has stuck a couple times and he had to walk it.

I give him my credit card to buy birthday gifts at five below or his food a chick FIL a while I am in the car with the younger kids.

He flew to his aunt and uncles house for a couple weeks in summer by himself.

He’s def an anxious kid (bouts of insomnia and intrusive thoughts) and I’m not sure if this has helped. We also pushed him into a sport (swim) with the hopes that the physical activity will help with anxiety. He’s gotten better but still has issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We let our 7 y/o walk to school by himself. We also sent him to camp for a month this summer.

It's not hard to let kids develop, but you have to let them do things. If you try to remove all the risk and never let them fail, let alone overcome, they're far more likely to be anxious when they grow up.

In our family, DH always pushes the kids to take on risk, and it helps them immensely when they are older.

+1. I’m the one that pushes my kid to be more independent and take on risks than DH.

My kid is 10 and some examples the past 3 years:

1. Sleepaway camp since 7
2. Going to the counters by himself and ordering and paying with my credit card or asking for what he needs (napkins, utensil,etc.,)
3. Once he was a good skier, doing runs on the mountains by himself or with friend and then plan time for meeting up later
4. Let him go off on rides by himself or with friend at amusement park while I hang out on the lounge
5. Riding his bike around the neighborhood by himself or going to the park by himself which is 3 houses down by himself and plan time for him to come home.
6. Chores around the house
7. Put him in charge of helping my father when we travel with my parents

I’m sure there are more things but above is what comes to mind. He is now really good with time management when I let him go off by himself and tell him to meet me at a certain time. He would asks people the time. He just got a watch so now can just check.

He is also mature and very good socially since he is an only. He can strike up a conversation with any adult by himself, no problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 7yo and we've been encouraging her to push her boundaries now for years. It is her who holds herself back, I don't force things but I tell her if she is comfortable... She rarely is. So my hijack is, do you MAKE your dc do these things or do you ASK them? What if they say no?

Generally I believe in forcing kids to level up. But if they don't want to go down the water slide, then they have the natural consequence of being left behind when all their friends go without them. If they won't order food at a restaurant, then they don't get food. If they won't do their laundry, they won't have any more clean clothes.

Some of this is mean.

+1. Not only mean, but also unnecessary and a good way to develop an adversarial relationship with your child (you let a young kid go hungry if they are too shy to order their own food? Come on). Parents are there to guide and teach their kids, not snap their fingers and demand absolute compliance with a consequence of no food or clean clothes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At that age I would start with having them order their own drinks/meals/ice cream.
Politely and with eye contact.

Ask them to find an item in the store in a different aisle and bring it back to you. Help cook meals [/quote

At 7 you START letting them order for themselves? Why aren't they doing this as soon as they can talk and be understood? You want food, you ask for it.

I thought that was odd as well. My kids have been ordering for themselves basically as soon as they could talk. They went into Cumbl the other day while I waited in the car and commented on these teenagers in front of them who didn't seem to know how to order and were acting all nervous about it. My kids are 10.

When we travel we let them figure out how to get to the connecting flight (obviously not at the risk of missing it, but we will let them go down the wrong terminal if we have time).

They opine on meals (everyone is responsible for picking one dinner a week) and write down the ingredients on the grocery list after checking what we have. I generally do online grocery ordering but if we go to the store I don't participate much at all. They can get the cart, find the items, check them out, and pay (with my card).

They are responsible for helping with the dogs, including walking, feeding, checking water, grooming, and letting them out.

They have to pick up their stuff around the house at the end of every day and they are responsible for keeping their rooms clean (i.e. no clothes on the ground). I still do everyone's laundry because I don't trust them to handle stains properly but they are responsible for having everything in their hampers the right way (i.e. shirts not inside out).

They don't clean the house because we have cleaners but they do wipe the kitchen counters, vacuum, and do the dishwasher (stuff that gets done daily/multiple times a week).

When we go shopping for stuff for them (clothes, skincare, etc.) I make them check out and pay plus bag the stuff if not offered by the cashier. That's how I learned that you have to be 18 to buy a lighter because one of them wanted one (to live downstairs) for their candles - they weren't able to pay for the transaction because of that. They are also responsible for returns whether in person or mailed. If they're getting a birthday present for a friend, they have to find it and buy it whether online or in person (not that they have to pay for it, but they know how to navigate online checkout when I read my card number out loud).

This summer they Door Dashed something one day so now they know how to do that and they know how tipping works.

Hopefully some of that helps, OP. I think in this day and age it's important to learn how to do things both in real life and online because those are both skills they'll need going forward. Learning that the "price" of an item online isn't the actual price if there is shipping has been eye-opening!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m reading the book now and am also curious. I’m a bit of a helicopter parent and always nervous about things like child abductions. I have a 10 year old and a 4 year old.

This summer I started letting my 10 year old stay at the pool “by themself” (to hang out with their friends). But it’s enclosed and I do t have to worry about creepers snatching them.

I have anxiety letting my kids wonder around the neighborhood on their own. Really don’t want to do that.

You don’t let your ten year old walk around without you? That’s definitely old enough to walk to a corner store or a friend’s house alone. Please give them that gift.

Walk to a corner store?! That’s like 2 miles away. No way.
I live in a nice area but would not let my 10 yo walk around by herself that far.

I think I remember my parents letting me do that sort of stuff at 12 or 13.

For ages 7-10 I would say they could walk to a neighbor friend’s house by themselves and play in our yard/bike nearby alone but I would be checking on them every once in a while.

I was definitely biking or roller blading to the corner store by age 10. Although that was in the 80s and times have changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fly cross country as an unaccompanied minor with airline was a big one for our kids. They always seemed to come back matured from the experience. It worked. By 13 our oldest was returning solo from an international trip he was invited on with a friend’s family (the family had a summer home and stayed for the whole summer). This year at age 15, 12 and 8, we flew all three kids cross country to California without registering them as unaccompanied minors. The oldest was in charge.

Lots of other things already covered here. DH is big on giving the kids a budget for family needs and DH will split the savings with the kids on whatever they end up buying. Gives kids an incentive to save money.

Yeah right, what airline? My kids have flown as unaccompanied minors as young as they could do so (initially it is only non-stop flights) but how do you book flights for three kids without doing them as minors?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Letting kids do tasks attached to money… makes them feel way less anxious (or distracted by the handling of money.).

At soccer fields, I have told a combination of my 13 (yes easy for her), 10, and 7 to take $5 and buy a few snacks for us.

Sometimes is the 13 and 7 together. Sometimes is the 10 and 7 together.

But they don’t get worried because the snack and money excites them.

Then they learn to interact with others, find things, etc. It’s a starting point for 6+, plus if you can put them with a friend or sibling.

Other examples are pool snacks. “I have $3 for each of you or you can combine it and see what you can get. See ya.” They negotiated buying nachos together and sharing so they had room to buy a slushie.

Dropping off the check at the orthodontist (ugh that was our old orthodontist, now our current one is recurring credit card).

I’m going to start my oldest making her own dentist and orthodontic appointments.

And one day I will make them call for pizza like I had to do in 1997. Do they still take phone orders?!

They do! I called once when the website wasn't working (this was for a chain like Domino's or Papa John's, not a local place). But also teach your kid how to do it online.