Anxious generation in practice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m reading the book now and am also curious. I’m a bit of a helicopter parent and always nervous about things like child abductions. I have a 10 year old and a 4 year old.

This summer I started letting my 10 year old stay at the pool “by themself” (to hang out with their friends). But it’s enclosed and I do t have to worry about creepers snatching them.

I have anxiety letting my kids wonder around the neighborhood on their own. Really don’t want to do that.

But think about how your kids are going to look at the world - like something to be afraid of. I mean, it's important to identify real safety issues. Like you aren't going to let your kid cross major streets until they demonstrate a level of proficiency but you don't want them to be anxious about stepping off your front porch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m reading the book now and am also curious. I’m a bit of a helicopter parent and always nervous about things like child abductions. I have a 10 year old and a 4 year old.

This summer I started letting my 10 year old stay at the pool “by themself” (to hang out with their friends). But it’s enclosed and I do t have to worry about creepers snatching them.

I have anxiety letting my kids wonder around the neighborhood on their own. Really don’t want to do that.

You don’t let your ten year old walk around without you? That’s definitely old enough to walk to a corner store or a friend’s house alone. Please give them that gift.

Walk to a corner store?! That’s like 2 miles away. No way.
I live in a nice area but would not let my 10 yo walk around by herself that far.

I think I remember my parents letting me do that sort of stuff at 12 or 13.

For ages 7-10 I would say they could walk to a neighbor friend’s house by themselves and play in our yard/bike nearby alone but I would be checking on them every once in a while.

I am not the PP you’re responding to but if it’s 2 miles away, it’s not really a “corner store”. Usually that refers to shops that are around the corner (and maybe on a street corner). So yes, I think most people would let their kids walk a block or two away but not 2 miles. I understand why the PP you responded to was confused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m reading the book now and am also curious. I’m a bit of a helicopter parent and always nervous about things like child abductions. I have a 10 year old and a 4 year old.

This summer I started letting my 10 year old stay at the pool “by themself” (to hang out with their friends). But it’s enclosed and I do t have to worry about creepers snatching them.

I have anxiety letting my kids wonder around the neighborhood on their own. Really don’t want to do that.

You don’t let your ten year old walk around without you? That’s definitely old enough to walk to a corner store or a friend’s house alone. Please give them that gift.

Walk to a corner store?! That’s like 2 miles away. No way.
I live in a nice area but would not let my 10 yo walk around by herself that far.

I think I remember my parents letting me do that sort of stuff at 12 or 13.

For ages 7-10 I would say they could walk to a neighbor friend’s house by themselves and play in our yard/bike nearby alone but I would be checking on them every once in a while.

I am not the PP you’re responding to but if it’s 2 miles away, it’s not really a “corner store”. Usually that refers to shops that are around the corner (and maybe on a street corner). So yes, I think most people would let their kids walk a block or two away but not 2 miles. I understand why the PP you responded to was confused.

I grew up in a different country known for its safety and early responsibility of children. By 10 I was riding my bike at night to/from sports practice. Of course I'm going to let my 10 year old roam around our 25 mph sidewalked neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 7yo and we've been encouraging her to push her boundaries now for years. It is her who holds herself back, I don't force things but I tell her if she is comfortable... She rarely is. So my hijack is, do you MAKE your dc do these things or do you ASK them? What if they say no?

Generally I believe in forcing kids to level up. But if they don't want to go down the water slide, then they have the natural consequence of being left behind when all their friends go without them. If they won't order food at a restaurant, then they don't get food. If they won't do their laundry, they won't have any more clean clothes.

Do you just let your kids go to school with dirty clothes if they don't wash them? Teachers are trained to look for that as a sign of abuse to report to CPS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 7yo and we've been encouraging her to push her boundaries now for years. It is her who holds herself back, I don't force things but I tell her if she is comfortable... She rarely is. So my hijack is, do you MAKE your dc do these things or do you ASK them? What if they say no?

Generally I believe in forcing kids to level up. But if they don't want to go down the water slide, then they have the natural consequence of being left behind when all their friends go without them. If they won't order food at a restaurant, then they don't get food. If they won't do their laundry, they won't have any more clean clothes.

Do you just let your kids go to school with dirty clothes if they don't wash them? Teachers are trained to look for that as a sign of abuse to report to CPS.

Don't be obtuse. I'm sure PP is talking about tweens and up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 7yo and we've been encouraging her to push her boundaries now for years. It is her who holds herself back, I don't force things but I tell her if she is comfortable... She rarely is. So my hijack is, do you MAKE your dc do these things or do you ASK them? What if they say no?

Generally I believe in forcing kids to level up. But if they don't want to go down the water slide, then they have the natural consequence of being left behind when all their friends go without them. If they won't order food at a restaurant, then they don't get food. If they won't do their laundry, they won't have any more clean clothes.

Do you just let your kids go to school with dirty clothes if they don't wash them? Teachers are trained to look for that as a sign of abuse to report to CPS.

I would take the dirty clothes away as they are taken off - they can't pull anything from the laundry bag. As I said, I will force them to level up - so they won't be allowed to do anything fun UNTIL they've done their laundry. They can sit and stare at the wall for three hours if they want, or they can toss in their laundry and do fun things until it's time to move it to the dryer, keep doing fun things until it's time to fold it which they can do while watching a video, listening to music, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I try to give my kids a lot of freedom, but they still don't have solo internet use (oldest is 13), so I'm not quite "free range."

Not sure if this is what you're getting at, but some things we do:
1) Sleepaway camp starting at 8 yo (I may send my younger next year at age 7 but just for 3 nights).
2) I have given my kids the shopping list for years (the older ones are 11 and 13) and they do the grocery shopping. They know to look at price per ounce and check sales.
3) Play outside - they are allowed free play outside (we don't have a fenced yard) from age 4-5 depending on maturity and have to stay within yelling distance. The caveat is we are in an area where there are lots of woods/acreage. I know they are not going to neighbors' houses and knocking on their doors and bothering them. You sometimes see parents trying to give their kids "independence" but then foisting them on other adults.
4) I let my 6 yo son ride his bike on our street as long as I am outside. It is a 2 mile long U shaped street with a 35 mph speed limit. He knows when he gets to the end of the U he has to come back and check with me.
5) Public transit- this is a little older, but starting at 10 I let my kids take the coach bus between our city and my mom's city (2 hours away). There are no stops in between. I would also let them fly solo - and I would let the 13 yo connect, because she has a cell phone, but DH is not there yet.
6) Tree climbing, fire pit. We have lots of good climbing trees- the kids have free rein to climb. They help from a young age make the fires in the fire pit (the older ones can do so independently, with permission/supervision). I also let them play with sticks.

This sounds like my childhood except it was just the city bus downtown after 6th grade to shop and go to the movies. And I could ride bike to beach, friends' houses.
Boomer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 7yo and we've been encouraging her to push her boundaries now for years. It is her who holds herself back, I don't force things but I tell her if she is comfortable... She rarely is. So my hijack is, do you MAKE your dc do these things or do you ASK them? What if they say no?

Generally I believe in forcing kids to level up. But if they don't want to go down the water slide, then they have the natural consequence of being left behind when all their friends go without them. If they won't order food at a restaurant, then they don't get food. If they won't do their laundry, they won't have any more clean clothes.

Do you just let your kids go to school with dirty clothes if they don't wash them? Teachers are trained to look for that as a sign of abuse to report to CPS.

I would take the dirty clothes away as they are taken off - they can't pull anything from the laundry bag. As I said, I will force them to level up - so they won't be allowed to do anything fun UNTIL they've done their laundry. They can sit and stare at the wall for three hours if they want, or they can toss in their laundry and do fun things until it's time to move it to the dryer, keep doing fun things until it's time to fold it which they can do while watching a video, listening to music, etc.

This is weirdly aggressive. Why not just announce a weekly laundry routine? It’s OK to scaffold things.

I also don’t parent based on what a book tells me. I always remember the time I thought I was being all cool and RIE when my kid was little one time … and then he ran into a parking lot. I can set my own goals for my kid based on my own values, not a book or a blog post.

[Anonymous]

This is very much dependent on where you live. We live in the city (a dense part of downtown, not upper NW) and there are just some things that I won't let my kids do until a certain age. My 9yo DD is not allowed to ride her bike around by herself, and she isn't allowed to go by herself to the nearby park. But I'll let her get things at the grocery store a few aisles away, and smaller things like that. My 12yo DS rides the metro to school on his own and has a bit more freedom around the neighborhood now that he's older.

Every summer we visit my in-laws and extended family, several of whom have vacation homes on the same quiet street. My kids get a lot of freedom on those visits. They can roam around with cousins, ride their bikes around, and generally choose what activities to do. They must always ask before swimming or going on a boat, however.

We started sending our kids to sleepaway camp last year and they love it.

We've also encouraged them from a young age to speak up for themselves, interact with those around them in public and be independent even when we are together. They order for themselves at restaurants and ask when they need the server to bring something. If I have a question at a store, I'll often encourage them to ask the salesperson instead of me doing it. When we are walking around the neighborhood, I'll ask them to "lead" us back home (and I'll often follow from a distance behind them).

Sometimes I worry we aren't doing enough to give them age-appropriate freedoms, especially compared to how my DH and I grew up in the 1980s. But we try to find opportunities where we can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m reading the book now and am also curious. I’m a bit of a helicopter parent and always nervous about things like child abductions. I have a 10 year old and a 4 year old.

This summer I started letting my 10 year old stay at the pool “by themself” (to hang out with their friends). But it’s enclosed and I do t have to worry about creepers snatching them.

I have anxiety letting my kids wonder around the neighborhood on their own. Really don’t want to do that.

You don’t let your ten year old walk around without you? That’s definitely old enough to walk to a corner store or a friend’s house alone. Please give them that gift.

Walk to a corner store?! That’s like 2 miles away. No way.
I live in a nice area but would not let my 10 yo walk around by herself that far.

I think I remember my parents letting me do that sort of stuff at 12 or 13.

For ages 7-10 I would say they could walk to a neighbor friend’s house by themselves and play in our yard/bike nearby alone but I would be checking on them every once in a while.

I am not the PP you’re responding to but if it’s 2 miles away, it’s not really a “corner store”. Usually that refers to shops that are around the corner (and maybe on a street corner). So yes, I think most people would let their kids walk a block or two away but not 2 miles. I understand why the PP you responded to was confused.

I grew up in a different country known for its safety and early responsibility of children. By 10 I was riding my bike at night to/from sports practice. Of course I'm going to let my 10 year old roam around our 25 mph sidewalked neighborhood.

I think you responded to the wrong person. I didn’t disagree with a 10 year old walking on sidewalks around a neighborhood. I just don’t think most people walk 2 miles to go to a store so that’s not what comes to mind when they think of walking to a corner store.

[Anonymous]

Age 7:

Can ride their scooter on the sidewalk and stop at the corner to wait for you before crossing.

Can leave you on the bench at the park and try everything on the playground.

Can go up to the cashier and ask for a cup of water.

Can use a safe knife to cut cucumbers for the salad they'll have at dinner.

Can find the strawberries and add them to the grocery cart even if you're in the next aisle.

Can ask if they can pet a dog on the sidewalk.

Can go to bed by themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Age 7:

Can ride their scooter on the sidewalk and stop at the corner to wait for you before crossing.

Can leave you on the bench at the park and try everything on the playground.

Can go up to the cashier and ask for a cup of water.

Can use a safe knife to cut cucumbers for the salad they'll have at dinner.

Can find the strawberries and add them to the grocery cart even if you're in the next aisle.

Can ask if they can pet a dog on the sidewalk.

Can go to bed by themselves.

I'm sorry but these are things you let your 4 year old do, not 7.

[Anonymous]

I honestly think parents are contributing to kid’s anxiety more than anything else. This was hard for us because our oldest has profound intellectual disability and was not able to be given any freedom (she is a ninth month old cognitively at age 15). But, our youngest is completely neurotypical. Here are some things we did.

She made scrambled eggs (supervised) starting at age 4 (my husband was horrified I let her do this). She was baking fairly independently (other than taking things in and out of the oven by 8). Around age 10, she took stuff in and out of the oven. By age 11, she could make pasta for herself. At age 12, she did it when my husband and I were out of the house and decided to use a glass pot and broke it. She called me, and I talked her through what to do to clean it up carefully. We talked later about a glass pot not being a good choice.

She could walk a few blocks and cross two streets to get to her friend’s house in a super safe neighborhood with not much traffic by age 9. The other mom would text me she had arrived. By age 11, she could walk 10 minutes on the beach to the pier near our beach house with friends and go to the coffee and bagel place. She liked to get her friends up early enough to watch the sunrise on her walk. I would track her (I don’t track her at age 13 and now she can go by herself).

This wasn’t on purpose, but at age 12, she was alone with her older sister keeping an eye on her and her sister had a seizure (which had never happened before). She texted and told me to come home asap something was wrong. I called her and she described what was going on. My husband was calling 911 as we drove back. When we got there, she has independently decided to put a big roll of paper towels under her sister’s head to protect her head from the floor and mop up all the drool. Don’t get me wrong, she was super upset once we got home and the paramedics were there. And I would never, ever have wanted this for her. But, she really showed she could be level headed and a problem solver in a crisis. She didn’t fall apart until others were there to take over. She still watches her sister from time to time (who has not had a seizure again).

[Anonymous]

At 7 I encouraged my kid to do the following:

- Use the bathroom on her own in restaurants or retail stores where we knew that was a safe idea
- Order from counters on her own, or go up and politely request a fork or napkin if needed
- Play at the playground across the street on her own as long as one of us was within shouting distance
- Walk to a friend's house two blocks away on her own, with confirmation text from friend's mom when she arrived
- Make her bed and straighten up her room on her own, and do basic cleaning of her bathroom (I generally had to go over the bathroom a second time but this helped her build som skills to be more independent with it later)
- Make clothing and hairstyle decisions independently
- Decide if/when she wants to get her ears pierced (she chose to delay it)

This felt like a good set because most of these are a precursor to greater independence but can be done with some supervision so you aren't just pushing your 7 yr old to be totally on her own. Walking to her friends house on a safe and familiar neighborhood street was a precursor to walking toad from school alone (half mile) a couple years later). Being more independent in stores and restaurants made us more confident that she could handle herself later when she wanted to go in places on her own or with friends. Same with playing at a playground within earshot but not us being physically present. Allowing her to make mistakes with cleaning and personal hygiene at 7 helped us identify where she needed more info and skills, so we could provide some instruction, so that by 10 or 11 she could be truly independent with this stuff.

My goal was for things to be somewhat gradual, which means starting fairly early and allowing her not to be perfect at it, and being supportive through that trial and error process. What I wanted to avoid was her suddenly becoming very independent at 13 or 14 but making ALL the mistakes at an age when she is far less likely to listen to instruction from us. She's almost 13 now and while of course I still worry about her, I also trust her and know she has a lot of skill and maturity. I can imagine her as a teenager doing teenage things and it doesn't terrify me. She has a good head on her shoulders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Age 7:

Can ride their scooter on the sidewalk and stop at the corner to wait for you before crossing.

Can leave you on the bench at the park and try everything on the playground.

Can go up to the cashier and ask for a cup of water.

Can use a safe knife to cut cucumbers for the salad they'll have at dinner.

Can find the strawberries and add them to the grocery cart even if you're in the next aisle.

Can ask if they can pet a dog on the sidewalk.

Can go to bed by themselves.

Why wouldn’t you put your 7 year old to bed? That’s sad. I grew up in a very independent household and we still had the bedtime routine every night.