Anxious generation in practice

[Anonymous]

I love this thread. I think speaking for oneself and doing a couple of chores is a great baseline.

One thing I would add: If there are other 7-year-olds in your neighborhood, try to encourage your kid to just walk or bike to their house and knock on the door to see if they can play. Our neighborhood is like this, and it's very refreshing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age 7:

Can ride their scooter on the sidewalk and stop at the corner to wait for you before crossing.

Can leave you on the bench at the park and try everything on the playground.

Can go up to the cashier and ask for a cup of water.

Can use a safe knife to cut cucumbers for the salad they'll have at dinner.

Can find the strawberries and add them to the grocery cart even if you're in the next aisle.

Can ask if they can pet a dog on the sidewalk.

Can go to bed by themselves.

Why wouldn’t you put your 7 year old to bed? That’s sad. I grew up in a very independent household and we still had the bedtime routine every night.

I’m the person who has the 13 year old who was with her sister during a seizure, and she still likes for me to put her to bed about 50% of the time. She wants to talk, have help picking her outfit for the next day, read together, etc. I am happy to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 7 I encouraged my kid to do the following:

- Use the bathroom on her own in restaurants or retail stores where we knew that was a safe idea
- Order from counters on her own, or go up and politely request a fork or napkin if needed
- Play at the playground across the street on her own as long as one of us was within shouting distance
- Walk to a friend's house two blocks away on her own, with confirmation text from friend's mom when she arrived
- Make her bed and straighten up her room on her own, and do basic cleaning of her bathroom (I generally had to go over the bathroom a second time but this helped her build som skills to be more independent with it later)
- Make clothing and hairstyle decisions independently
- Decide if/when she wants to get her ears pierced (she chose to delay it)

This felt like a good set because most of these are a precursor to greater independence but can be done with some supervision so you aren't just pushing your 7 yr old to be totally on her own. Walking to her friends house on a safe and familiar neighborhood street was a precursor to walking toad from school alone (half mile) a couple years later). Being more independent in stores and restaurants made us more confident that she could handle herself later when she wanted to go in places on her own or with friends. Same with playing at a playground within earshot but not us being physically present. Allowing her to make mistakes with cleaning and personal hygiene at 7 helped us identify where she needed more info and skills, so we could provide some instruction, so that by 10 or 11 she could be truly independent with this stuff.

My goal was for things to be somewhat gradual, which means starting fairly early and allowing her not to be perfect at it, and being supportive through that trial and error process. What I wanted to avoid was her suddenly becoming very independent at 13 or 14 but making ALL the mistakes at an age when she is far less likely to listen to instruction from us. She's almost 13 now and while of course I still worry about her, I also trust her and know she has a lot of skill and maturity. I can imagine her as a teenager doing teenage things and it doesn't terrify me. She has a good head on her shoulders.

You seem totally normal but I will say that 7 year old girls don't need to be going to public restrooms alone in restaurants and stores. Train them on the buddy system. When they are out with friends later on, you want it to be second nature to grab a buddy to find a public restroom (at a stadium, mall, bar, etc.). My kids are teens now and pretty independent (driving, etc), but they have been habituated to the buddy system and don't wander off from the group to find far-flung restrooms. Admittedly my two DD's are one year apart, so it was easier to make them go together when they were younger, but still...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 7 I encouraged my kid to do the following:

- Use the bathroom on her own in restaurants or retail stores where we knew that was a safe idea
- Order from counters on her own, or go up and politely request a fork or napkin if needed
- Play at the playground across the street on her own as long as one of us was within shouting distance
- Walk to a friend's house two blocks away on her own, with confirmation text from friend's mom when she arrived
- Make her bed and straighten up her room on her own, and do basic cleaning of her bathroom (I generally had to go over the bathroom a second time but this helped her build som skills to be more independent with it later)
- Make clothing and hairstyle decisions independently
- Decide if/when she wants to get her ears pierced (she chose to delay it)

This felt like a good set because most of these are a precursor to greater independence but can be done with some supervision so you aren't just pushing your 7 yr old to be totally on her own. Walking to her friends house on a safe and familiar neighborhood street was a precursor to walking toad from school alone (half mile) a couple years later). Being more independent in stores and restaurants made us more confident that she could handle herself later when she wanted to go in places on her own or with friends. Same with playing at a playground within earshot but not us being physically present. Allowing her to make mistakes with cleaning and personal hygiene at 7 helped us identify where she needed more info and skills, so we could provide some instruction, so that by 10 or 11 she could be truly independent with this stuff.

My goal was for things to be somewhat gradual, which means starting fairly early and allowing her not to be perfect at it, and being supportive through that trial and error process. What I wanted to avoid was her suddenly becoming very independent at 13 or 14 but making ALL the mistakes at an age when she is far less likely to listen to instruction from us. She's almost 13 now and while of course I still worry about her, I also trust her and know she has a lot of skill and maturity. I can imagine her as a teenager doing teenage things and it doesn't terrify me. She has a good head on her shoulders.

You seem totally normal but I will say that 7 year old girls don't need to be going to public restrooms alone in restaurants and stores. Train them on the buddy system. When they are out with friends later on, you want it to be second nature to grab a buddy to find a public restroom (at a stadium, mall, bar, etc.). My kids are teens now and pretty independent (driving, etc), but they have been habituated to the buddy system and don't wander off from the group to find far-flung restrooms. Admittedly my two DD's are one year apart, so it was easier to make them go together when they were younger, but still...

That's why we only allowed it in familiar bathrooms in places we knew to be safe. You have to be careful with bathrooms if anyone can access them. But just like she would use the bathroom at school on her own, we'd encourage her to use the bathroom at, say, a neighborhood restaurant where we know the bathrooms are not accessible to anyone but customers and we know the people who work there and the clientele a bit. You have to take educated risks.

When she was 5, I took her to a public restroom in a Whole Foods and we got trapped in a stall there while an unhoused woman had a mental health episode in the bathroom. It was quite scary and I wound up texting my husband to please contact the store management so they could call the cops. We had to be very quiet so she wouldn't know we were there. I am so, so glad I was with her. But the experience also made me really ware of public restrooms.

But my paranoia about it also wasn't healthy, because obviously your kids have to learn how to go to the bathroom on their own. So we started small and built from there. Sure the buddy system is a good idea and she will use that if she's on, say, a school trip. But you also have to teach your kids how to handle a situation on their own. As scary as that situation was back when she was 5, I also think it was an opportunity to show her what to do in a situation like that, and is part of why I would trust her now to handle herself if she was on her own in a similar situation (though I would prefer she not be!).

You can't protect your kids from everything, but you can try to prepare them for anything.

[Anonymous]

I think people worry too much about getting this just right. Some of this stuff can be introduced later, and it’s fine. My oldest didn’t ever walk to the corner store unattended or wander around the neighborhood alone in elementary school. By early teens, he was taking the metro alone, going on 15 mile bike rides alone, etc. He’s confident and independent even though I didn’t push him at age 7.

My kids have always had the freedom to do things like climb trees, run around in the woods, play in the yard alone from a young age, etc. They know how to cook and do laundry. But they didn’t stay home alone until middle school. Neither one is anxious so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Age 7:

Can ride their scooter on the sidewalk and stop at the corner to wait for you before crossing.

Can leave you on the bench at the park and try everything on the playground.

Can go up to the cashier and ask for a cup of water.

Can use a safe knife to cut cucumbers for the salad they'll have at dinner.

Can find the strawberries and add them to the grocery cart even if you're in the next aisle.

Can ask if they can pet a dog on the sidewalk.

Can go to bed by themselves.

With the exception of bedtime, my 4 year old could do all those things before she turned 4…

[Anonymous]

I do appreciate this thread. This is something I am trying to work on.

I really struggle with allowing my children to wonder our suburban neighborhood (Vienna). It's my own paranoia but I have a very high level of anxiety about molesters or crazy people snatching one of them up. The incident at Fair Oaks mall didn't help ease my nerves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m reading the book now and am also curious. I’m a bit of a helicopter parent and always nervous about things like child abductions. I have a 10 year old and a 4 year old.

This summer I started letting my 10 year old stay at the pool “by themself” (to hang out with their friends). But it’s enclosed and I do t have to worry about creepers snatching them.

I have anxiety letting my kids wonder around the neighborhood on their own. Really don’t want to do that.

Be less worried about creepers and more about people you already know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 7yo and we've been encouraging her to push her boundaries now for years. It is her who holds herself back, I don't force things but I tell her if she is comfortable... She rarely is. So my hijack is, do you MAKE your dc do these things or do you ASK them? What if they say no?

Generally I believe in forcing kids to level up. But if they don't want to go down the water slide, then they have the natural consequence of being left behind when all their friends go without them. If they won't order food at a restaurant, then they don't get food. If they won't do their laundry, they won't have any more clean clothes.

Some of this is mean.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read the book but I have a 20 yr old. I'd definitely suggest giving your child chores that are appropriate for their age (and increasing them as they get older). My DS works at his college during the school year and in the summer. It's a private college but we are probably on the low income side of things (he gets a Pell grant). The students he works with are UMC kids who have no work ethic. They have the job because they got a work study grant but he said they spend most of their time on their phones. They probably never did chores because they have zero idea how to clean a bathroom or make a bed or anything that is part of their job. These are all things most kids their age should be able to do (folding sheets, stripping a bed, dusting, vacuuming, etc). Giving your kids increasing responsibility shows them that you trust them and that they are part of a family. They will also feel confident when they can do things for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m reading the book now and am also curious. I’m a bit of a helicopter parent and always nervous about things like child abductions. I have a 10 year old and a 4 year old.

This summer I started letting my 10 year old stay at the pool “by themself” (to hang out with their friends). But it’s enclosed and I do t have to worry about creepers snatching them.

I have anxiety letting my kids wonder around the neighborhood on their own. Really don’t want to do that.

Be less worried about creepers and more about people you already know.

Agreed. Your child is way more at risk with people you willingly let around them than being snatched from your neighborhood sidewalk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone implemented more "real world" risk into their dc's life? What are some practical examples of how you've implemented the ideas from the book in terms of real world risk taking..? Looking for ideas on what I can use with my 7yo.

Get them a pup tent and have them start backyard camping and sleeping by theirself outside a night a week.

Gives you some quiet time inside also, at least until they come running inside cause the boogeyman was scratching on their tent.

[Anonymous]

Give them chores
Very short walks without you, like to neighbors house
Cooking or helping make dinner
Giving them money, say $20, and letting them spend it however they like over the weekend
Clean the car

[Anonymous]

Fly cross country as an unaccompanied minor with airline was a big one for our kids. They always seemed to come back matured from the experience. It worked. By 13 our oldest was returning solo from an international trip he was invited on with a friend’s family (the family had a summer home and stayed for the whole summer). This year at age 15, 12 and 8, we flew all three kids cross country to California without registering them as unaccompanied minors. The oldest was in charge.

Lots of other things already covered here. DH is big on giving the kids a budget for family needs and DH will split the savings with the kids on whatever they end up buying. Gives kids an incentive to save money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do appreciate this thread. This is something I am trying to work on.

I really struggle with allowing my children to wonder our suburban neighborhood (Vienna). It's my own paranoia but I have a very high level of anxiety about molesters or crazy people snatching one of them up. The incident at Fair Oaks mall didn't help ease my nerves.

I also live in Vienna. I’ve let my son free range here since 4th grade during the pandemic. I think it’s a very safe place and a good place to learn how to gain independence as a child. I hope you’re actively doing the work to gain control of your fears and anxiety related to this and let your child experience some freedom. There are a lot of good people here who will help a kiddo who needs it.