Different rules for ND and NT kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a reason why you need to go out to eat at dinner time a couple times a month?

Go to brunch instead. Or get take out.

Not the OP here-but our families, that include a person with special needs, are allowed to eat out.

Ridiculous take. Of course you are "allowed" but if it's not enjoyable for everyone you do not have to. Most of us with sn kids have been in this situation where we wanted to have a particular familu scenario but reality is different. Taking a pause on eating out because it causes stress is OK. Many of us are chiming in to say we did that and it got better with time. Many are sharing regrets at using the ipad to force something that wasnt right for the family.

If a 7 year old cannot function in a casual family eatery, do not take him. Take the youngest on their own. Get take out. Eat at counter order places. Pack a picnic somewhere. There are other options. Being a parent is understanding you have to pivot sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a reason why you need to go out to eat at dinner time a couple times a month?

Go to brunch instead. Or get take out.

Not the OP here-but our families, that include a person with special needs, are allowed to eat out.

Ridiculous take. Of course you are "allowed" but if it's not enjoyable for everyone you do not have to. Most of us with sn kids have been in this situation where we wanted to have a particular familu scenario but reality is different. Taking a pause on eating out because it causes stress is OK. Many of us are chiming in to say we did that and it got better with time. Many are sharing regrets at using the ipad to force something that wasnt right for the family.

If a 7 year old cannot function in a casual family eatery, do not take him. Take the youngest on their own. Get take out. Eat at counter order places. Pack a picnic somewhere. There are other options. Being a parent is understanding you have to pivot sometimes.

DP here. Curious if those with regrets at using the tablet in restaurants could elaborate on what happened. Were you just using it in restaurants and the child demanded it in other settings and you said yes? Our experience with a younger child is using the table at during limited occasions like 2 a month for a couple of hours each is fine. Having it available at home is not.

[Anonymous]

You are completely undermining your husband’s role as an equal parent. You don’t get to decide this for the whole family. I would talk about what a compromise looks like. If you don’t, then don’t be upset when your husband decides not to participate equally with you in the parenting load.

As someone with a 15 year old with profound ID, I should have relaxed on screen time when my child was younger. I should have made life easier when we went out to dinner, etc. My husband should have been willing to do meds earlier. Neither of us was “perfect” in our decision making.

It sound like your husband is an extrovert who wants more time with groups of people and that includes dining out. There are ways you can accommodate this. Host a game night at your house and order pizza. Meet up with a family at a park and bring sandwiches. Give both your kids a screen to get through a nicer dinner every other month. Six times a year isn’t going to be that horrible for either of them. Practice without screens at fast casual places, etc. You seem to have some black and white thinking on this subject. You and your husband both need to lean into the shades of gray.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We use iPads more than we should at home, but electronics in a restaurant is a nonstarter for us. Eating in a restaurant socially with others is a life skill that my ADHD kid needs to learn as much as anyone else. We go out quite often, and have since my kids were little - mostly to neighborhood/casual places - if there arecrayons and a coloring sheet, great, but if not we chat and eat.

Op here. I agree with you but my son can’t tolerate sitting still and coloring for the duration of a dinner at even a kid friendly place. The other night, we went to a family friendly dinner (a very casual pizza restaurant) that only took 45 minutes and in that duration he was touching every salt/pepper/red pepper shaker on the table, spilling water into his toy cars, and then running around the restaurant after he ate (luckily it was very spacious and I was able to leave with him and take him outside to run around.) he has a way of playing with toys in atypical ways that creates enormous messes, disruptions etc. my other child who is NT will color, or play with toys in a deliberate way and can behave typically for a child. I don’t want to give either of them the iPad, but we’re in a tough spot because it is impossible for him to sit still while unmedicated without being disruptive - even with toys.

Is sitting for dinner and playing appropriately with toys something you require at home? If it’s not you need to start. If you think he can’t do it because of a disorder you’re doing him a huge disservice. He is capable of learning but you must be consistent. You can’t allow one thing at home and then walk into a restaurant with an expectation beyond that which you expect at home. The answer is not an iPad, it’s consistent practice at home. If he can’t play with toys then you teach him. If he can’t sit still then you teach him. If he can’t wait then you teach him. If you can’t make it through a restaurant dinner then you break down those skills and teach him. And right now you hire a babysitter to watch the kids until he can handle a restaurant. You’re currently setting him up for failure. Sounds like you could benefit from a home program and parent training to work on isolating and building skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We use iPads more than we should at home, but electronics in a restaurant is a nonstarter for us. Eating in a restaurant socially with others is a life skill that my ADHD kid needs to learn as much as anyone else. We go out quite often, and have since my kids were little - mostly to neighborhood/casual places - if there arecrayons and a coloring sheet, great, but if not we chat and eat.

Op here. I agree with you but my son can’t tolerate sitting still and coloring for the duration of a dinner at even a kid friendly place. The other night, we went to a family friendly dinner (a very casual pizza restaurant) that only took 45 minutes and in that duration he was touching every salt/pepper/red pepper shaker on the table, spilling water into his toy cars, and then running around the restaurant after he ate (luckily it was very spacious and I was able to leave with him and take him outside to run around.) he has a way of playing with toys in atypical ways that creates enormous messes, disruptions etc. my other child who is NT will color, or play with toys in a deliberate way and can behave typically for a child. I don’t want to give either of them the iPad, but we’re in a tough spot because it is impossible for him to sit still while unmedicated without being disruptive - even with toys.

Is sitting for dinner and playing appropriately with toys something you require at home? If it’s not you need to start. If you think he can’t do it because of a disorder you’re doing him a huge disservice. He is capable of learning but you must be consistent. You can’t allow one thing at home and then walk into a restaurant with an expectation beyond that which you expect at home. The answer is not an iPad, it’s consistent practice at home. If he can’t play with toys then you teach him. If he can’t sit still then you teach him. If he can’t wait then you teach him. If you can’t make it through a restaurant dinner then you break down those skills and teach him. And right now you hire a babysitter to watch the kids until he can handle a restaurant. You’re currently setting him up for failure. Sounds like you could benefit from a home program and parent training to work on isolating and building skills.

This. I'm not some rigid jerk who judges parents for letting kids get on screens in public ever. Even in a restaurant, it's fine sometimes. But I would not set it up as the PLAN for our family restaurant meals out. You are just cutting yourselves off at the knees there, and basically admitting to your kid that you have no other solution to the challenges he faces in that environment.

I would make sure we were having family dinner together at a table at least a few times a week and using that time to practice translatable skills that can be applied at a restaurant. Especially skills like waiting for a dish to be served, sitting calmly while others finish their meal, etc. Then practice those same skills at low key family restaurants (I might even just start at places like Chipotle or something where the stakes are VERY low).

I'm not saying don't bring the iPad and never give it to the kids. But try to do it without first, and create a plan that offers some skill building with the goal of your kids being able to sit through a 45 minute meal at a family restaurant. That's it, it's a very reasonable goal and a life skill that will be essential to your child for the rest of their life. If you still wind up pulling out the iPad sometimes after they finish eating or if they seem particularly antsy or difficult at a specific meal, fine. But don't start with the plan of "we will go to dinner and you will have the iPad the whole time so that you don't even have to try to function at this event." Don't sell your kid out like that. Try harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We use iPads more than we should at home, but electronics in a restaurant is a nonstarter for us. Eating in a restaurant socially with others is a life skill that my ADHD kid needs to learn as much as anyone else. We go out quite often, and have since my kids were little - mostly to neighborhood/casual places - if there arecrayons and a coloring sheet, great, but if not we chat and eat.

Op here. I agree with you but my son can’t tolerate sitting still and coloring for the duration of a dinner at even a kid friendly place. The other night, we went to a family friendly dinner (a very casual pizza restaurant) that only took 45 minutes and in that duration he was touching every salt/pepper/red pepper shaker on the table, spilling water into his toy cars, and then running around the restaurant after he ate (luckily it was very spacious and I was able to leave with him and take him outside to run around.) he has a way of playing with toys in atypical ways that creates enormous messes, disruptions etc. my other child who is NT will color, or play with toys in a deliberate way and can behave typically for a child. I don’t want to give either of them the iPad, but we’re in a tough spot because it is impossible for him to sit still while unmedicated without being disruptive - even with toys.

Is sitting for dinner and playing appropriately with toys something you require at home? If it’s not you need to start. If you think he can’t do it because of a disorder you’re doing him a huge disservice. He is capable of learning but you must be consistent. You can’t allow one thing at home and then walk into a restaurant with an expectation beyond that which you expect at home. The answer is not an iPad, it’s consistent practice at home. If he can’t play with toys then you teach him. If he can’t sit still then you teach him. If he can’t wait then you teach him. If you can’t make it through a restaurant dinner then you break down those skills and teach him. And right now you hire a babysitter to watch the kids until he can handle a restaurant. You’re currently setting him up for failure. Sounds like you could benefit from a home program and parent training to work on isolating and building skills.

This. I'm not some rigid jerk who judges parents for letting kids get on screens in public ever. Even in a restaurant, it's fine sometimes. But I would not set it up as the PLAN for our family restaurant meals out. You are just cutting yourselves off at the knees there, and basically admitting to your kid that you have no other solution to the challenges he faces in that environment.

I would make sure we were having family dinner together at a table at least a few times a week and using that time to practice translatable skills that can be applied at a restaurant. Especially skills like waiting for a dish to be served, sitting calmly while others finish their meal, etc. Then practice those same skills at low key family restaurants (I might even just start at places like Chipotle or something where the stakes are VERY low).

I'm not saying don't bring the iPad and never give it to the kids. But try to do it without first, and create a plan that offers some skill building with the goal of your kids being able to sit through a 45 minute meal at a family restaurant. That's it, it's a very reasonable goal and a life skill that will be essential to your child for the rest of their life. If you still wind up pulling out the iPad sometimes after they finish eating or if they seem particularly antsy or difficult at a specific meal, fine. But don't start with the plan of "we will go to dinner and you will have the iPad the whole time so that you don't even have to try to function at this event." Don't sell your kid out like that. Try harder.

+1. If anything I would go out *more* frequently to build those skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are completely undermining your husband’s role as an equal parent. You don’t get to decide this for the whole family. I would talk about what a compromise looks like. If you don’t, then don’t be upset when your husband decides not to participate equally with you in the parenting load.

As someone with a 15 year old with profound ID, I should have relaxed on screen time when my child was younger. I should have made life easier when we went out to dinner, etc. My husband should have been willing to do meds earlier. Neither of us was “perfect” in our decision making.

It sound like your husband is an extrovert who wants more time with groups of people and that includes dining out. There are ways you can accommodate this. Host a game night at your house and order pizza. Meet up with a family at a park and bring sandwiches. Give both your kids a screen to get through a nicer dinner every other month. Six times a year isn’t going to be that horrible for either of them. Practice without screens at fast casual places, etc. You seem to have some black and white thinking on this subject. You and your husband both need to lean into the shades of gray.

Typical DCUM where women are not even allowed to have thoughts that contradict what their husbands say. JFC, OP is allowed to have an opinion about her children's screen time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are completely undermining your husband’s role as an equal parent. You don’t get to decide this for the whole family. I would talk about what a compromise looks like. If you don’t, then don’t be upset when your husband decides not to participate equally with you in the parenting load.

As someone with a 15 year old with profound ID, I should have relaxed on screen time when my child was younger. I should have made life easier when we went out to dinner, etc. My husband should have been willing to do meds earlier. Neither of us was “perfect” in our decision making.

It sound like your husband is an extrovert who wants more time with groups of people and that includes dining out. There are ways you can accommodate this. Host a game night at your house and order pizza. Meet up with a family at a park and bring sandwiches. Give both your kids a screen to get through a nicer dinner every other month. Six times a year isn’t going to be that horrible for either of them. Practice without screens at fast casual places, etc. You seem to have some black and white thinking on this subject. You and your husband both need to lean into the shades of gray.

Typical DCUM where women are not even allowed to have thoughts that contradict what their husbands say. JFC, OP is allowed to have an opinion about her children's screen time.

This is a bananas response to what I said. I have all kinds of opinions that differ from my husband, and I don’t need his permission to have them. I’m a super liberal feminist.

But, I think women sometimes think their way is always the best way with respect to parenting and that isn’t always true. My husband is one of the most equal partner husbands that is out there. And it is because (1) I have super high standards about what I expect from a husband/father to my kids and (2) I assume that he has good intent and that his input is valuable as both a partner and a parent. I’m not telling OP to just cave. I’m telling her not to get caught up in this rigid black or white that it is her way or the highway. And her husband needs to get away from his rigid thinking as well. Life is a marathon not a sprint. You can’t actually optimize every single decision you make every single day based on your own perspective and think your marriage and family will end for the best like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a reason why you need to go out to eat at dinner time a couple times a month?

Go to brunch instead. Or get take out.

Not the OP here-but our families, that include a person with special needs, are allowed to eat out.

Ridiculous take. Of course you are "allowed" but if it's not enjoyable for everyone you do not have to. Most of us with sn kids have been in this situation where we wanted to have a particular familu scenario but reality is different. Taking a pause on eating out because it causes stress is OK. Many of us are chiming in to say we did that and it got better with time. Many are sharing regrets at using the ipad to force something that wasnt right for the family.

If a 7 year old cannot function in a casual family eatery, do not take him. Take the youngest on their own. Get take out. Eat at counter order places. Pack a picnic somewhere. There are other options. Being a parent is understanding you have to pivot sometimes.

No, it's not a 'ridiculous take'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are completely undermining your husband’s role as an equal parent. You don’t get to decide this for the whole family. I would talk about what a compromise looks like. If you don’t, then don’t be upset when your husband decides not to participate equally with you in the parenting load.

As someone with a 15 year old with profound ID, I should have relaxed on screen time when my child was younger. I should have made life easier when we went out to dinner, etc. My husband should have been willing to do meds earlier. Neither of us was “perfect” in our decision making.

It sound like your husband is an extrovert who wants more time with groups of people and that includes dining out. There are ways you can accommodate this. Host a game night at your house and order pizza. Meet up with a family at a park and bring sandwiches. Give both your kids a screen to get through a nicer dinner every other month. Six times a year isn’t going to be that horrible for either of them. Practice without screens at fast casual places, etc. You seem to have some black and white thinking on this subject. You and your husband both need to lean into the shades of gray.

Typical DCUM where women are not even allowed to have thoughts that contradict what their husbands say. JFC, OP is allowed to have an opinion about her children's screen time.

This is a bananas response to what I said. I have all kinds of opinions that differ from my husband, and I don’t need his permission to have them. I’m a super liberal feminist.

But, I think women sometimes think their way is always the best way with respect to parenting and that isn’t always true. My husband is one of the most equal partner husbands that is out there. And it is because (1) I have super high standards about what I expect from a husband/father to my kids and (2) I assume that he has good intent and that his input is valuable as both a partner and a parent. I’m not telling OP to just cave. I’m telling her not to get caught up in this rigid black or white that it is her way or the highway. And her husband needs to get away from his rigid thinking as well. Life is a marathon not a sprint. You can’t actually optimize every single decision you make every single day based on your own perspective and think your marriage and family will end for the best like this.

Thanks for sharing why you think you are such an amazing partner and parent! I am glad this thread offered you the opportunity to do it. I'm saddened however that you had to accuse the OP of "completely undermining her husband's role as an equal parent" because she is trying to figure out how SHE wants to approach this issue, in order to get whatever validation it is you are seeking. Good lord.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are completely undermining your husband’s role as an equal parent. You don’t get to decide this for the whole family. I would talk about what a compromise looks like. If you don’t, then don’t be upset when your husband decides not to participate equally with you in the parenting load.

As someone with a 15 year old with profound ID, I should have relaxed on screen time when my child was younger. I should have made life easier when we went out to dinner, etc. My husband should have been willing to do meds earlier. Neither of us was “perfect” in our decision making.

It sound like your husband is an extrovert who wants more time with groups of people and that includes dining out. There are ways you can accommodate this. Host a game night at your house and order pizza. Meet up with a family at a park and bring sandwiches. Give both your kids a screen to get through a nicer dinner every other month. Six times a year isn’t going to be that horrible for either of them. Practice without screens at fast casual places, etc. You seem to have some black and white thinking on this subject. You and your husband both need to lean into the shades of gray.

Typical DCUM where women are not even allowed to have thoughts that contradict what their husbands say. JFC, OP is allowed to have an opinion about her children's screen time.

This is a bananas response to what I said. I have all kinds of opinions that differ from my husband, and I don’t need his permission to have them. I’m a super liberal feminist.

But, I think women sometimes think their way is always the best way with respect to parenting and that isn’t always true. My husband is one of the most equal partner husbands that is out there. And it is because (1) I have super high standards about what I expect from a husband/father to my kids and (2) I assume that he has good intent and that his input is valuable as both a partner and a parent. I’m not telling OP to just cave. I’m telling her not to get caught up in this rigid black or white that it is her way or the highway. And her husband needs to get away from his rigid thinking as well. Life is a marathon not a sprint. You can’t actually optimize every single decision you make every single day based on your own perspective and think your marriage and family will end for the best like this.

Thanks for sharing why you think you are such an amazing partner and parent! I am glad this thread offered you the opportunity to do it. I'm saddened however that you had to accuse the OP of "completely undermining her husband's role as an equal parent" because she is trying to figure out how SHE wants to approach this issue, in order to get whatever validation it is you are seeking. Good lord.

You’re both sounding like wackadoos!

[Anonymous]

Your 7 year old is behaving more like a 4-5 year old, which is to be expected given the diagnosis, time of day and noisy restaurant setting. Don’t set him up to fail. Just don’t go out to dinner with him. Get a sitter. It’s not fair to ask him to do something he’s not set up to do. We all know the iPad isn’t the answer, and all these people rationalizing it will regret it someday. As a mom with high school and college aged kids, I 100% guarantee that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your 7 year old is behaving more like a 4-5 year old, which is to be expected given the diagnosis, time of day and noisy restaurant setting. Don’t set him up to fail. Just don’t go out to dinner with him. Get a sitter. It’s not fair to ask him to do something he’s not set up to do. We all know the iPad isn’t the answer, and all these people rationalizing it will regret it someday. As a mom with high school and college aged kids, I 100% guarantee that.

I have young adult children also. Do not regret it at all. I'm glad I always make sure that we've always gone out as a family, even with our DC with ASD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your 7 year old is behaving more like a 4-5 year old, which is to be expected given the diagnosis, time of day and noisy restaurant setting. Don’t set him up to fail. Just don’t go out to dinner with him. Get a sitter. It’s not fair to ask him to do something he’s not set up to do. We all know the iPad isn’t the answer, and all these people rationalizing it will regret it someday. As a mom with high school and college aged kids, I 100% guarantee that.

I have young adult children also. Do not regret it at all. I'm glad I always make sure that we've always gone out as a family, even with our DC with ASD.

+1 people say "you will regret it" but can't seem to be clear about what they regret. Do they specifically regret screentime 2 times a month at restaurants only? Or do they regret unlimited access to tablets at home? There is a lot of daylight between these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your 7 year old is behaving more like a 4-5 year old, which is to be expected given the diagnosis, time of day and noisy restaurant setting. Don’t set him up to fail. Just don’t go out to dinner with him. Get a sitter. It’s not fair to ask him to do something he’s not set up to do. We all know the iPad isn’t the answer, and all these people rationalizing it will regret it someday. As a mom with high school and college aged kids, I 100% guarantee that.

Yeah, you'd be WRONG.

Ipads or screens are fine answers for some kids when they are younger.

-Mom to 23 year old