Different rules for ND and NT kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t do it, just keep bringing toys and stickers. Your discomfort now will pay off dividends in the end.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We use iPads more than we should at home, but electronics in a restaurant is a nonstarter for us. Eating in a restaurant socially with others is a life skill that my ADHD kid needs to learn as much as anyone else. We go out quite often, and have since my kids were little - mostly to neighborhood/casual places - if there arecrayons and a coloring sheet, great, but if not we chat and eat.

Op here. I agree with you but my son can’t tolerate sitting still and coloring for the duration of a dinner at even a kid friendly place. The other night, we went to a family friendly dinner (a very casual pizza restaurant) that only took 45 minutes and in that duration he was touching every salt/pepper/red pepper shaker on the table, spilling water into his toy cars, and then running around the restaurant after he ate (luckily it was very spacious and I was able to leave with him and take him outside to run around.) he has a way of playing with toys in atypical ways that creates enormous messes, disruptions etc. my other child who is NT will color, or play with toys in a deliberate way and can behave typically for a child. I don’t want to give either of them the iPad, but we’re in a tough spot because it is impossible for him to sit still while unmedicated without being disruptive - even with toys.

Then you don’t take him to restaurants. Or he plays outside until his order comes, or he leaves the table to go outside after he eats. Those are fine accommodations.

The iPad is not. It doesn’t teach skills or set him up for success- it just anesthetizes him for a brief period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For my dc, the Ipad helps them self regulate in places like restaurants. Restaurants can be noisy and busy. I'm ok with that-I want dc to do what they need to self regulate. At age 10, dc is starting to leave the Ipad behind sometimes, with maturity it's getting easier for them to be in loud busy places.

The iPad is not helping him self regulate. The iPad is providing a small cocoon where he feels safe so that he doesn't have to self regulate. Perhaps your son is learning self regulation skills elsewhere and that is making it easier to do things without the iPad, but time on the iPad is not a form of self regulation. It is external coping device.

Adults also have this problem, FYI. Many of us also use screens to avoid situations where we'd actually have to manage our emotions. I think this is why so many of us fail to recognize what is happening with our kids when we put them on devices as a way to get through something.

+10

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We use iPads more than we should at home, but electronics in a restaurant is a nonstarter for us. Eating in a restaurant socially with others is a life skill that my ADHD kid needs to learn as much as anyone else. We go out quite often, and have since my kids were little - mostly to neighborhood/casual places - if there arecrayons and a coloring sheet, great, but if not we chat and eat.

Op here. I agree with you but my son can’t tolerate sitting still and coloring for the duration of a dinner at even a kid friendly place. The other night, we went to a family friendly dinner (a very casual pizza restaurant) that only took 45 minutes and in that duration he was touching every salt/pepper/red pepper shaker on the table, spilling water into his toy cars, and then running around the restaurant after he ate (luckily it was very spacious and I was able to leave with him and take him outside to run around.) he has a way of playing with toys in atypical ways that creates enormous messes, disruptions etc. my other child who is NT will color, or play with toys in a deliberate way and can behave typically for a child. I don’t want to give either of them the iPad, but we’re in a tough spot because it is impossible for him to sit still while unmedicated without being disruptive - even with toys.

Then you don’t take him to restaurants. Or he plays outside until his order comes, or he leaves the table to go outside after he eats. Those are fine accommodations.

The iPad is not. It doesn’t teach skills or set him up for success- it just anesthetizes him for a brief period.

I’m curious if OP has done any parent training or just relies on meds. Teaching a kid to behave in a restaurant is like a bread and butter issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We use iPads more than we should at home, but electronics in a restaurant is a nonstarter for us. Eating in a restaurant socially with others is a life skill that my ADHD kid needs to learn as much as anyone else. We go out quite often, and have since my kids were little - mostly to neighborhood/casual places - if there arecrayons and a coloring sheet, great, but if not we chat and eat.

Op here. I agree with you but my son can’t tolerate sitting still and coloring for the duration of a dinner at even a kid friendly place. The other night, we went to a family friendly dinner (a very casual pizza restaurant) that only took 45 minutes and in that duration he was touching every salt/pepper/red pepper shaker on the table, spilling water into his toy cars, and then running around the restaurant after he ate (luckily it was very spacious and I was able to leave with him and take him outside to run around.) he has a way of playing with toys in atypical ways that creates enormous messes, disruptions etc. my other child who is NT will color, or play with toys in a deliberate way and can behave typically for a child. I don’t want to give either of them the iPad, but we’re in a tough spot because it is impossible for him to sit still while unmedicated without being disruptive - even with toys.

Then you don’t take him to restaurants. Or he plays outside until his order comes, or he leaves the table to go outside after he eats. Those are fine accommodations.

The iPad is not. It doesn’t teach skills or set him up for success- it just anesthetizes him for a brief period.

Yep. I am very relaxed about screens (my kid gets a LOT of screen time at home) but I was always very conscious about not using screens to induce behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We use iPads more than we should at home, but electronics in a restaurant is a nonstarter for us. Eating in a restaurant socially with others is a life skill that my ADHD kid needs to learn as much as anyone else. We go out quite often, and have since my kids were little - mostly to neighborhood/casual places - if there arecrayons and a coloring sheet, great, but if not we chat and eat.

Op here. I agree with you but my son can’t tolerate sitting still and coloring for the duration of a dinner at even a kid friendly place. The other night, we went to a family friendly dinner (a very casual pizza restaurant) that only took 45 minutes and in that duration he was touching every salt/pepper/red pepper shaker on the table, spilling water into his toy cars, and then running around the restaurant after he ate (luckily it was very spacious and I was able to leave with him and take him outside to run around.) he has a way of playing with toys in atypical ways that creates enormous messes, disruptions etc. my other child who is NT will color, or play with toys in a deliberate way and can behave typically for a child. I don’t want to give either of them the iPad, but we’re in a tough spot because it is impossible for him to sit still while unmedicated without being disruptive - even with toys.

Then you don’t take him to restaurants. Or he plays outside until his order comes, or he leaves the table to go outside after he eats. Those are fine accommodations.

The iPad is not. It doesn’t teach skills or set him up for success- it just anesthetizes him for a brief period.

OP the bolded is true. If you and DH decide to use the iPad, it will not only create the issue with the younger brother, but it will also set you up for more pain in the future. -BTDT parent of teens with similar diagnoses to yours

[Anonymous]

Fair does not mean equal!

[Anonymous]

We didn’t do restaurants for a long time for exactly this reason. Maturity has helped a lot. Also a huge amount of physical exercise before we go (this is the thing that helps my child most in general) lots of trips to the bathroom and outdoor to run around and short meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For us the iPad become a crutch - or, more kindly, a support we couldn’t fade. I really wish we hadn’t started it. Or used something else - books, word search, whatever he likes.

I would just wait for maturity to do its bit. You’re probably almost there.

DITTO

OP LEARN FROM OUR MISTAKES. Don't do it. Also if you let one do it and not the other one, that would stink for NT kid.

[Anonymous]

Stop going out to eat? Or hire a babysitter

[Anonymous]

I would not allow the iPad at the restaurant, and I have had different rules for my kids at many times. We didn’t go to restaurants for years if they couldn’t handle it or we got a sitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We use iPads more than we should at home, but electronics in a restaurant is a nonstarter for us. Eating in a restaurant socially with others is a life skill that my ADHD kid needs to learn as much as anyone else. We go out quite often, and have since my kids were little - mostly to neighborhood/casual places - if there arecrayons and a coloring sheet, great, but if not we chat and eat.

Op here. I agree with you but my son can’t tolerate sitting still and coloring for the duration of a dinner at even a kid friendly place. The other night, we went to a family friendly dinner (a very casual pizza restaurant) that only took 45 minutes and in that duration he was touching every salt/pepper/red pepper shaker on the table, spilling water into his toy cars, and then running around the restaurant after he ate (luckily it was very spacious and I was able to leave with him and take him outside to run around.) he has a way of playing with toys in atypical ways that creates enormous messes, disruptions etc. my other child who is NT will color, or play with toys in a deliberate way and can behave typically for a child. I don’t want to give either of them the iPad, but we’re in a tough spot because it is impossible for him to sit still while unmedicated without being disruptive - even with toys.

Then you stop going. Stop taking him to these places. Try again in a year or two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For my dc, the Ipad helps them self regulate in places like restaurants. Restaurants can be noisy and busy. I'm ok with that-I want dc to do what they need to self regulate. At age 10, dc is starting to leave the Ipad behind sometimes, with maturity it's getting easier for them to be in loud busy places.

The iPad is not helping him self regulate. The iPad is providing a small cocoon where he feels safe so that he doesn't have to self regulate. Perhaps your son is learning self regulation skills elsewhere and that is making it easier to do things without the iPad, but time on the iPad is not a form of self regulation. It is external coping device.

Adults also have this problem, FYI. Many of us also use screens to avoid situations where we'd actually have to manage our emotions. I think this is why so many of us fail to recognize what is happening with our kids when we put them on devices as a way to get through something.

I'm the pp you quoted. So-why do you consider an Ipad an 'external coping device' but you aren't saying that about a book or a coloring sheet or toy cars? If a kid is focused on a book or a toy and staying calm, why can't they do that with an Ipad as well?

I disagree that the Ipad is providing a cocoon where dc doesn't have to self regulate. In my dc's case at least, it's clear that having the Ipad to focus on helps them remain calm in a stressful situation, and gives them the opportunity to experience it. My kid is starting to leave the Ipad behind at this point-they are maturing and learning skills, and I don't think denying the Ipad would have changed that.

I understand that some people do not want any screens and that is a valid choice-but the screen itself is not the problem.

[Anonymous]

Is there a reason why you need to go out to eat at dinner time a couple times a month?

Go to brunch instead. Or get take out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a reason why you need to go out to eat at dinner time a couple times a month?

Go to brunch instead. Or get take out.

Not the OP here-but our families, that include a person with special needs, are allowed to eat out.