Different rules for ND and NT kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For my dc, the Ipad helps them self regulate in places like restaurants. Restaurants can be noisy and busy. I'm ok with that-I want dc to do what they need to self regulate. At age 10, dc is starting to leave the Ipad behind sometimes, with maturity it's getting easier for them to be in loud busy places.

The iPad is not helping him self regulate. The iPad is providing a small cocoon where he feels safe so that he doesn't have to self regulate. Perhaps your son is learning self regulation skills elsewhere and that is making it easier to do things without the iPad, but time on the iPad is not a form of self regulation. It is external coping device.

Adults also have this problem, FYI. Many of us also use screens to avoid situations where we'd actually have to manage our emotions. I think this is why so many of us fail to recognize what is happening with our kids when we put them on devices as a way to get through something.

I'm the pp you quoted. So-why do you consider an Ipad an 'external coping device' but you aren't saying that about a book or a coloring sheet or toy cars? If a kid is focused on a book or a toy and staying calm, why can't they do that with an Ipad as well?

I disagree that the Ipad is providing a cocoon where dc doesn't have to self regulate. In my dc's case at least, it's clear that having the Ipad to focus on helps them remain calm in a stressful situation, and gives them the opportunity to experience it. My kid is starting to leave the Ipad behind at this point-they are maturing and learning skills, and I don't think denying the Ipad would have changed that.

I understand that some people do not want any screens and that is a valid choice-but the screen itself is not the problem.

Come on. devices are MUCH more additictive. we all know that.

[Anonymous]

We allow screen time at restaurants for our ND 6 yo (only child). We don't always offer it and DC doesn't ask for it, but if DC is very dysregulated that day DH will let DC play games in his phone.

DC used to have a tablet they could use at home but we found it was really impacting behavior, so we took it away and do podcasts/audiobooks instead and that has been a game changer.

Maybe we will regret giving DC screen time at restaurants a few times a month. Just saying it's what we do and that taking the tablet away at home has really been key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For my dc, the Ipad helps them self regulate in places like restaurants. Restaurants can be noisy and busy. I'm ok with that-I want dc to do what they need to self regulate. At age 10, dc is starting to leave the Ipad behind sometimes, with maturity it's getting easier for them to be in loud busy places.

The iPad is not helping him self regulate. The iPad is providing a small cocoon where he feels safe so that he doesn't have to self regulate. Perhaps your son is learning self regulation skills elsewhere and that is making it easier to do things without the iPad, but time on the iPad is not a form of self regulation. It is external coping device.

Adults also have this problem, FYI. Many of us also use screens to avoid situations where we'd actually have to manage our emotions. I think this is why so many of us fail to recognize what is happening with our kids when we put them on devices as a way to get through something.

This is your opinion. Thanks for sharing.

[Anonymous]

Allowing one and not the other will breed huge resentment. Don’t do this.
You could have them earn iPad use. The way they can earn the time can be different based on age and ability. Once the time has been earned they can redeem at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a reason why you need to go out to eat at dinner time a couple times a month?

Go to brunch instead. Or get take out.

Not the OP here-but our families, that include a person with special needs, are allowed to eat out.

+1. Some really awful, holier than thou, responses here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For my dc, the Ipad helps them self regulate in places like restaurants. Restaurants can be noisy and busy. I'm ok with that-I want dc to do what they need to self regulate. At age 10, dc is starting to leave the Ipad behind sometimes, with maturity it's getting easier for them to be in loud busy places.

The iPad is not helping him self regulate. The iPad is providing a small cocoon where he feels safe so that he doesn't have to self regulate. Perhaps your son is learning self regulation skills elsewhere and that is making it easier to do things without the iPad, but time on the iPad is not a form of self regulation. It is external coping device.

Adults also have this problem, FYI. Many of us also use screens to avoid situations where we'd actually have to manage our emotions. I think this is why so many of us fail to recognize what is happening with our kids when we put them on devices as a way to get through something.

I'm the pp you quoted. So-why do you consider an Ipad an 'external coping device' but you aren't saying that about a book or a coloring sheet or toy cars? If a kid is focused on a book or a toy and staying calm, why can't they do that with an Ipad as well?

I disagree that the Ipad is providing a cocoon where dc doesn't have to self regulate. In my dc's case at least, it's clear that having the Ipad to focus on helps them remain calm in a stressful situation, and gives them the opportunity to experience it. My kid is starting to leave the Ipad behind at this point-they are maturing and learning skills, and I don't think denying the Ipad would have changed that.

I understand that some people do not want any screens and that is a valid choice-but the screen itself is not the problem.

PP here. Coloring books, books, and toys are not addictive and don't solve the problems of boredom, sensory overload, frustration, or physical discomfort as efficiently and easily as screens do.

All kids, but especially ND kids, have to develop something called distress tolerance. Some people are born with lower distress tolerance than others, and some people are born with higher levels of distress they have to tolerate. Either way, an iPad or other screen can be a handy distraction from distress at times, but it doesn't teach them how to actually tolerate it. That's what self-regulation is -- the ability to figure out how to deal with some trigger or non-ideal situation without losing it. A fidget toy can be a tool in that (especially if kids learn to recognize their distress rising and choose to pick up a fidget toy or something that can serve as one in order to regulate their physical response to distress and stay calm) but an iPad cannot.

Also these other options don't create dependency, whereas screens do. Arguing that an iPad helps a kid "self-regulate" is like saying that a couple beers helps my spouse "self-regulate." It's a crutch, not a skill builder. And it has unhealthy side effects. Use with extreme caution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For my dc, the Ipad helps them self regulate in places like restaurants. Restaurants can be noisy and busy. I'm ok with that-I want dc to do what they need to self regulate. At age 10, dc is starting to leave the Ipad behind sometimes, with maturity it's getting easier for them to be in loud busy places.

The iPad is not helping him self regulate. The iPad is providing a small cocoon where he feels safe so that he doesn't have to self regulate. Perhaps your son is learning self regulation skills elsewhere and that is making it easier to do things without the iPad, but time on the iPad is not a form of self regulation. It is external coping device.

Adults also have this problem, FYI. Many of us also use screens to avoid situations where we'd actually have to manage our emotions. I think this is why so many of us fail to recognize what is happening with our kids when we put them on devices as a way to get through something.

This is your opinion. Thanks for sharing.

You are welcome!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a reason why you need to go out to eat at dinner time a couple times a month?

Go to brunch instead. Or get take out.

Not the OP here-but our families, that include a person with special needs, are allowed to eat out.

I am a DP (and special needs parent and sibling) but I disagree to some extent. No one has the right to be disruptive in a public space. Just like you (hopefully) wouldn't take a 2 year old to a Michelin restaurant, unless it was the most perfectly behaved 2-year-old perhaps, you wait to take your children to places they are ready for. It would be reasonable to accommodate things like a child is stimming by rocking their head back and forth, or a family that needs a corner booth, or moving a table out of the way to accommodate a mobility device. But if someone cannot behave in a non-disruptive way, then yes, you should avoid those places.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For my dc, the Ipad helps them self regulate in places like restaurants. Restaurants can be noisy and busy. I'm ok with that-I want dc to do what they need to self regulate. At age 10, dc is starting to leave the Ipad behind sometimes, with maturity it's getting easier for them to be in loud busy places.

The iPad is not helping him self regulate. The iPad is providing a small cocoon where he feels safe so that he doesn't have to self regulate. Perhaps your son is learning self regulation skills elsewhere and that is making it easier to do things without the iPad, but time on the iPad is not a form of self regulation. It is external coping device.

Adults also have this problem, FYI. Many of us also use screens to avoid situations where we'd actually have to manage our emotions. I think this is why so many of us fail to recognize what is happening with our kids when we put them on devices as a way to get through something.

I'm the pp you quoted. So-why do you consider an Ipad an 'external coping device' but you aren't saying that about a book or a coloring sheet or toy cars? If a kid is focused on a book or a toy and staying calm, why can't they do that with an Ipad as well?

I disagree that the Ipad is providing a cocoon where dc doesn't have to self regulate. In my dc's case at least, it's clear that having the Ipad to focus on helps them remain calm in a stressful situation, and gives them the opportunity to experience it. My kid is starting to leave the Ipad behind at this point-they are maturing and learning skills, and I don't think denying the Ipad would have changed that.

I understand that some people do not want any screens and that is a valid choice-but the screen itself is not the problem.

PP here. Coloring books, books, and toys are not addictive and don't solve the problems of boredom, sensory overload, frustration, or physical discomfort as efficiently and easily as screens do.

All kids, but especially ND kids, have to develop something called distress tolerance. Some people are born with lower distress tolerance than others, and some people are born with higher levels of distress they have to tolerate. Either way, an iPad or other screen can be a handy distraction from distress at times, but it doesn't teach them how to actually tolerate it. That's what self-regulation is -- the ability to figure out how to deal with some trigger or non-ideal situation without losing it. A fidget toy can be a tool in that (especially if kids learn to recognize their distress rising and choose to pick up a fidget toy or something that can serve as one in order to regulate their physical response to distress and stay calm) but an iPad cannot.

Also these other options don't create dependency, whereas screens do. Arguing that an iPad helps a kid "self-regulate" is like saying that a couple beers helps my spouse "self-regulate." It's a crutch, not a skill builder. And it has unhealthy side effects. Use with extreme caution.

I disagree with this opinion. I think you may not want screens for your family, which is a valid choice. But comparing it to beer is a pretty far stretch. And of course books and toys can be addictive.

[Anonymous]

I have two kids, 12 and 9, the youngest has ADHD and was diagnosed at age 7. In most families, there are different expectations and privileges afforded to kids of different ages. I do take a different approach with my youngest in certain ways, but we don't make exceptions for her when it comes to the values that are important to us. We do not allow any screen time during meals whether at home or at a restaurant. So if my child was having a hard time regulating her behavior at a restaurant, I would not let her bring her iPad. I'd let her bring other things--a fidget, something to write on or color with, etc. We help her find other ways to manage--we play tic tac toe, I Spy, Would You Rather. When she was younger, I'd have to take her outside on occasion if she couldn't sit still. And there was a time when we just didn't go to restaurants for a while because she was too disruptive.

Whether you allow the iPad or not, the fact remains that you are going to have to parent your kids differently and it's going to feel unfair to your ND at times. When my ND child has complained, I've always tried to explain to him why we need to take a different approach in an age-appropriate way. He's 12 now and better able to understand it, but it took a couple of years for him to get here. I also talk with him about how he gets certain privileges that his sister doesn't, and while it might not feel equal, we always try to make things fair as between the kids.

The late afternoon and evening hours were really hard for my DD until we adjusted her medication. Some kids also take a short acting dose of a stimulant around that time for after-school activities, homework and similar things. I'm sharing this only because it might be worth considering adjusting the medication if your child's ADHD is making things difficult for your family at that time of day.

[Anonymous]

Its OK to not go out to eat. Get takeout instead. Or have DH take your youngest and bring you something back. Age 7 with adhd is the hardest. Just wait a few more years before you eat out.

Or eat at places he can roam like breweries with open outdoor space.

[Anonymous]

Screens are addictive AND I don't think it's the end of the world to allow screens a couple nights a month. Of course as long as it doesn't mean the kid starts demanding it at other times as well.

[Anonymous]

The beer is a great example. If an adult is drinking a couple of beers twice a month with his buddies that is NBD. Would it be physically healthier to not drink socially in this way? And that social connection is valuable. OP being able to get out of the house with her family is valuable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The beer is a great example. If an adult is drinking a couple of beers twice a month with his buddies that is NBD. Would it be physically healthier to not drink socially in this way? And that social connection is valuable. OP being able to get out of the house with her family is valuable.

I agree that it’s a great example. If an adult NEEDS beers to attend a social function or otherwise is out of control, there’s a problem.

If your kid is perfectly content with or without an iPad, and it’s a matter of wanting to use one once or twice a month, sure. But if your kid is unable to handle themselves without the crutch of an addictive substance (which plenty but not all content consumed on screens is addictive) abstinence might be important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The beer is a great example. If an adult is drinking a couple of beers twice a month with his buddies that is NBD. Would it be physically healthier to not drink socially in this way? And that social connection is valuable. OP being able to get out of the house with her family is valuable.

I agree that it’s a great example. If an adult NEEDS beers to attend a social function or otherwise is out of control, there’s a problem.

If your kid is perfectly content with or without an iPad, and it’s a matter of wanting to use one once or twice a month, sure. But if your kid is unable to handle themselves without the crutch of an addictive substance (which plenty but not all content consumed on screens is addictive) abstinence might be important.

I mean tons of adults feel they need one or two beers to fully enjoy certain social functions. Is that awesome? No! Does it suggest a risk of addiction? Sure, it kind of depends on how often you need it. Moderate drinking once or twice a month is not alcoholism.