Why some kids are grateful and caring and others arent?

[Anonymous]

My mother pushed me away from a young age but adored my older sister. My mother was emotionally distant and abusive toward me in very underhanded, sneaky ways that outsiders wouldn't believe because they thought she was so nice. I was always given the vibe that I was a troublemaker when I was never a problem at school and a better student than my siblings. My mom told me nobody would ever marry me because I acted too smart. i could never do anything right by her. I'll never forget after Mom passed and my sister told me how she missed Mom every day and she assumed that I would readily back up the sentiment, but I stayed silent. I had no words. At the time I didn't know how I felt, actually. I was numb, my mind went blank. I couldn't lie, though. I couldn't make myself lie to her, or to myself anymore. I just changed the subject. Years later after a lot of hard work on myself, I am healed enough to freely speak the truth: my mother never loved me.

[Anonymous]

From what I see, birth order affects this somehow. Oldest daughters stereotypically seem grateful to the point they take on the role of parents when the time comes that parents need help. I see this is so many families I know. Younger sons don’t seem to have the gratefulness or the loyalty. Not always, but enough that this trope exists.

[Anonymous]

Just depends on how they are raised - by both parents.

Functional, intact, loving, thoughtful, fair families that value and prioritize virtuous things will raise similar kids.

[Anonymous]

How about not acknowledging abuse? My parents don’t acknowledge that beating us with belts, slapping us, or washing our mouths out with soap as young as 2 was abusive. So find me the family with “no abuse” and big problems, and I’ll ask you: who is defining abuse? The Boomers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents were awesome. They were upstanding people who sent my sisters and me to decent schools in a decent community and paid our college tuition. My mother was a SAHM and devoted her life to us. I am so grateful.

However, it is devastating to me that they had really loose boundaries with my sisters and me. They thought it was appropriate to watch porn and graphic, R-rated movies with me starting around age 11. Discussions focused on sex at least a few times a month under the guise of sex education. Conversations included sexual jokes and innuendo, comments about women's bodies, how often my parents were having sex, the details of the adults-only hotel with kinky rooms where they celebrated my father's birthday, stacks of porn magazines in the basement. My mother coaxed me into giving my father a copy of Madonna's "Justify My Love" as a Christmas gift when I was 15. My father thought taking me to see Basic Instinct with him when I was 16 was appropriate.

Fast forward to mid-life and the impact of their behavior on all of us shows. I am estranged from my mother (my father is dead) because she is so harmful to me and is not open to feedback or repair.

Have you ever thought that you might be the one who might be in the wrong here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were awesome. They were upstanding people who sent my sisters and me to decent schools in a decent community and paid our college tuition. My mother was a SAHM and devoted her life to us. I am so grateful.

However, it is devastating to me that they had really loose boundaries with my sisters and me. They thought it was appropriate to watch porn and graphic, R-rated movies with me starting around age 11. Discussions focused on sex at least a few times a month under the guise of sex education. Conversations included sexual jokes and innuendo, comments about women's bodies, how often my parents were having sex, the details of the adults-only hotel with kinky rooms where they celebrated my father's birthday, stacks of porn magazines in the basement. My mother coaxed me into giving my father a copy of Madonna's "Justify My Love" as a Christmas gift when I was 15. My father thought taking me to see Basic Instinct with him when I was 16 was appropriate.

Fast forward to mid-life and the impact of their behavior on all of us shows. I am estranged from my mother (my father is dead) because she is so harmful to me and is not open to feedback or repair.

Have you ever thought that you might be the one who might be in the wrong here?

Ew, you’re diminishing and blaming PP for what clearly is a form of CSA?

[Anonymous]

I thought my child would be grateful because I provided for her, modeling love, respect and steadfast responsibility. Unfortunately, she took my devotion for granted, finding fault for minor foibles (eg, being too restrictive of her phone use as a teen).

So, I cannot answer your question OP. But I do envy those with adult children who appreciate their efforts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From what I see, birth order affects this somehow. Oldest daughters stereotypically seem grateful to the point they take on the role of parents when the time comes that parents need help. I see this is so many families I know. Younger sons don’t seem to have the gratefulness or the loyalty. Not always, but enough that this trope exists.

Agree 100% with the birth order observation. I think birth order and combos of it as parents (i.e. two first borns marrying each other vs. two youngest) have so much to do with family dynamics, even more so than genders of kids.

First borns tend to be rule followers and identify with a parental role, as you said. I don’t think it even occurs to them sometimes that they’re allowed to be ungrateful. (Or question certain things.)

[Anonymous]

Aren't all people different? Fact they are your kids doesn't change that everyone's nature differs. There's no raising the kid with gratitude and caring after you when you're old or uber responsible one. Sorry but you can't teach kindness. Not the kind that's sincere. Being grateful you can teach but not same as kindness.

I have a DS 16 who I was born sweet. There is no person who disagrees with that whether he's friends with them or not. He has zero enemies even if he's not the popular kid. Adults and teachers love him, animals fricking love him. The only person in our family our cats love most. He is just that person who will literally not kill a bug! He will take a gross huge as spider outside v killing it! We did not teach him this. He is the first to help us unload dishes, the first to volunteer for service at school. Really - you think we taught him any of this?

His sister is sharp as a whip and funny. More popular and a straight A student. 2 kids same home. This girl would be the first to save herself! No amount of teaching her or whatever her experience of being our kid or whatever made her this way. She was born this way and I really feel she needs to go into business cause she's ruthless and edgy and will hunt to kill anything she wants! But no, I have zero expectation of her taking care of us more than she really needs to as it's not in her nature.

Of course she may help us and she loves us but it's not the same kind of love my son has. He will be there for family in a way she never will. I do not love her less but I accept that it's her nature. She's very much like my parents really. She can't help who she is. She'll be wildly successful and make all the right practical decisions but shes not perfect.

You have to manage expectations that nobody is perfect and really, we all need to be advised to find the means to take care of ourselves or at least accept that nobody is responsible for us. In my culture, you're raised with the burden to care for your elders and that's really what it would be - a BURDEN unless it comes from the heart - and that's a luck thing with who your family are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just depends on how they are raised - by both parents.

Functional, intact, loving, thoughtful, fair families that value and prioritize virtuous things will raise similar kids.

Not necessarily. Trust me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From what I see, birth order affects this somehow. Oldest daughters stereotypically seem grateful to the point they take on the role of parents when the time comes that parents need help. I see this is so many families I know. Younger sons don’t seem to have the gratefulness or the loyalty. Not always, but enough that this trope exists.

Not true at all.. My sister is the oldest and favorite and she's always been selfish and self centered. My parents choose her after telling me I was taking care of them (to the point of convincing me to stay local) to find out they had her is executor and POA. She stole everything from me when our dad died with my mom's support and help (they were divorced). Now mom still expects me to care for her even though sister is POA and will get everything. Nope. My sister got everything handed to her and my mom is always desperate for her love even though she is the coldest person outside of them.

Now, my husband is the oldest and we/I took care of my MIL - quit my job to do it and later couldn't and put her in a nursing home and still did it all. She loved me and treated me well.

[Anonymous]

My siblings and I are all grateful to our parents, so at least some of the answer to your question is that we are grateful because my parents taught us gratitude through their words and actions, and because we were brought up in a religion that emphasized gratitude. Daily family prayers included recitations of appreciation. While only one of my siblings is still a part of the religion, all of us remain grateful. It's actually a struggle teaching my own children gratitude without the same structure I had with organized religion and family prayer. I have to work harder and be more thoughtful about seeking out teaching moments and opportunities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aren't all people different? Fact they are your kids doesn't change that everyone's nature differs. There's no raising the kid with gratitude and caring after you when you're old or uber responsible one. Sorry but you can't teach kindness. Not the kind that's sincere. Being grateful you can teach but not same as kindness.

I have a DS 16 who I was born sweet. There is no person who disagrees with that whether he's friends with them or not. He has zero enemies even if he's not the popular kid. Adults and teachers love him, animals fricking love him. The only person in our family our cats love most. He is just that person who will literally not kill a bug! He will take a gross huge as spider outside v killing it! We did not teach him this. He is the first to help us unload dishes, the first to volunteer for service at school. Really - you think we taught him any of this?

His sister is sharp as a whip and funny. More popular and a straight A student. 2 kids same home. This girl would be the first to save herself! No amount of teaching her or whatever her experience of being our kid or whatever made her this way. She was born this way and I really feel she needs to go into business cause she's ruthless and edgy and will hunt to kill anything she wants! But no, I have zero expectation of her taking care of us more than she really needs to as it's not in her nature.

Of course she may help us and she loves us but it's not the same kind of love my son has. He will be there for family in a way she never will. I do not love her less but I accept that it's her nature. She's very much like my parents really. She can't help who she is. She'll be wildly successful and make all the right practical decisions but shes not perfect.

You have to manage expectations that nobody is perfect and really, we all need to be advised to find the means to take care of ourselves or at least accept that nobody is responsible for us. In my culture, you're raised with the burden to care for your elders and that's really what it would be - a BURDEN unless it comes from the heart - and that's a luck thing with who your family are.

Some of it is nature, some of it is nurture. What role are you playing in this?