Why some kids are grateful and caring and others arent?

[Anonymous]

Obviously, not talking about families where any abuse, trauma etc was involved. Just regular intact upper middle class families with dedicated parents providing all they can even after kids are grown.

[Anonymous]

Well 2 things come to mind.

1. If you're on the outside looking in, you have no idea what things were like behind closed doors
2. If you're the parent, your kid may not have viewed their childhood the same way.

I'm sure my mom would describe herself as a dedicated parent who provided all she could. And she was. She was also a control freak who was prone to overreacting and manipulating and guilt tripping us. We walked on eggshells with her being afraid to say or do something that would unintentionally set her off. As I got older and tried to talk to her about this, she accepted no criticism and waffled between everything was my fault or I was making it all up. But I know on the outside, we presented as such a perfect UMC family with a SAHM who was active in the community.

[Anonymous]

I can understand problems and conflicts but if they mostly tried to do good by your side, you can be grateful for that and show respect for it. No? I can have 101 arguments with my parents but I would never be disrespectful or ungrateful to people who loved me as best as knew how.

[Anonymous]

Some kids are taught to express gratitude and some aren't. So that's one thing.

Plus, some people are just takers. Nothing will ever be enough for them.

[Anonymous]

Maturity.

Or your family had terrible boundaries and dysfunction the kids are still working thru

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well 2 things come to mind.

1. If you're on the outside looking in, you have no idea what things were like behind closed doors
2. If you're the parent, your kid may not have viewed their childhood the same way.

I'm sure my mom would describe herself as a dedicated parent who provided all she could. And she was. She was also a control freak who was prone to overreacting and manipulating and guilt tripping us. We walked on eggshells with her being afraid to say or do something that would unintentionally set her off. As I got older and tried to talk to her about this, she accepted no criticism and waffled between everything was my fault or I was making it all up. But I know on the outside, we presented as such a perfect UMC family with a SAHM who was active in the community.

This. My mom would tell you my childhood was idyllic, my schools excellent, and her AP a big improvement over my dad. I beg to differ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maturity.

Or your family had terrible boundaries and dysfunction the kids are still working thru

Every family is flawed and every kid works through their issues, parents are also former kids going through their own process. No two human can meet each other's 100% needs and expectations.

However, not being grateful or respectful for what they did do, reflects on adult child. We can have our boundaries, issues and resentments yet act like adults. No?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes providing too much leaves the kids feeling emotionally empty yet also entitled to material goods at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well 2 things come to mind.

1. If you're on the outside looking in, you have no idea what things were like behind closed doors
2. If you're the parent, your kid may not have viewed their childhood the same way.

I'm sure my mom would describe herself as a dedicated parent who provided all she could. And she was. She was also a control freak who was prone to overreacting and manipulating and guilt tripping us. We walked on eggshells with her being afraid to say or do something that would unintentionally set her off. As I got older and tried to talk to her about this, she accepted no criticism and waffled between everything was my fault or I was making it all up. But I know on the outside, we presented as such a perfect UMC family with a SAHM who was active in the community.

You come across as immature to me. The measuring stick for a parent is what choices they made given who they were. My dad was raised very poor (to the point of food insecurity) and has carried the resulting trama his whole life even though I grew up MC. You would likely call many of his parenting choices controlling. I didn’t like them at the time and haven’t done the same to my kids, but based on the life he’d lived to that point. Though as an adult I’ve never doubted he was trying to do the best he could for me seeing life through a very different lens.

[Anonymous]

You can't see the emotional abuse that may have been there OP. My parents loved me, but tried to control me even into adulthood, after I did everything they asked me to do as a child / teenager / college student.

Made good grades, went to the college they picked out, didn't do drugs, didn't sleep around. Once I graduated and wanted to do what I wanted to do: move to another city for a good job, marry the guy I had fallen in love with, they freaked out. I kept a distance after that.

[Anonymous]

No one asks to be born, and experiences and outcomes vary wildly. If you expect gratitude from your children, you have to be willing to accept some blame as a parent. It was ultimately your decision.

[Anonymous]

It has to do with how you are raised. It starts with teaching children about saying please and thank you and then showing them what caring for others is all about.

[Anonymous]

Respect begets respect. Many parents don't treat their children as autonomous individuals, nor do they display the gratitude that they made the decision to be a parent and are honored to perform the role. No child is responsible for thanking their parents to feed, clothe, or house them. That's what parents signed up to provide. And no child is responsible for performing certain duties dictated by parents for the rest of their lives. When one has children, you are giving birth to individuals with their own genetic dispositions, perceptions, and experiences. I'm not sure why anyone would think kids are carbon copies of anyone. Some people are more selfish - for many reasons. Some people are more emotionally connected to those around them - for many reasons. You'll drive yourself crazy if you try to figure out why all the time.

Be loving, do your legitimate best, model the family life you desire, be a safe space for your kids, respect them as their own people with their own values and ideas. That's all you can do. Mostly, drop the "grateful" nonsense. Having a caring relationship with all of your children is a wonderful goal to have. Demanding that they show you some undefined level of gratefulness is selfish. It's nebulous and really means nothing. If your adult kids want to be around you and demonstrate care through sharing time and life experiences - then you've made it!

[Anonymous]

What extremes are you talking about? We raised four girls and have strong relationships with all four but they have wildly different personalities and lives (some with kids, others not wanting them, etc) and that’s reflected in the “gratefulness” that they express both in words and actions. We don’t take any of it personally because we know they all love us. They’re just different people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well 2 things come to mind.

1. If you're on the outside looking in, you have no idea what things were like behind closed doors
2. If you're the parent, your kid may not have viewed their childhood the same way.

I'm sure my mom would describe herself as a dedicated parent who provided all she could. And she was. She was also a control freak who was prone to overreacting and manipulating and guilt tripping us. We walked on eggshells with her being afraid to say or do something that would unintentionally set her off. As I got older and tried to talk to her about this, she accepted no criticism and waffled between everything was my fault or I was making it all up. But I know on the outside, we presented as such a perfect UMC family with a SAHM who was active in the community.

You come across as immature to me. The measuring stick for a parent is what choices they made given who they were. My dad was raised very poor (to the point of food insecurity) and has carried the resulting trama his whole life even though I grew up MC. You would likely call many of his parenting choices controlling. I didn’t like them at the time and haven’t done the same to my kids, but based on the life he’d lived to that point. Though as an adult I’ve never doubted he was trying to do the best he could for me seeing life through a very different lens.

DP: Kudos to you. However, don't call the PP "immature". You have no idea what their life was like growing up. Plenty of parents are very controlling and there is really no excuse for that (unless the controlling is reigning in a kid heading towards drugs/gangs/etc). From the description, the PP mom was a controlling person and not really a great parent, despite what it might seem to the outside.