What’s going on here?

[Anonymous]

He’s tired of you constantly acting helpless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hes cheating on you and needs to make you the bad guy in his mind.

Or hiding something. Money related? Work ir business related? Legal related?

That could be too, how are the finances OP? Is he addicted to gambling/betting? This is a huge, HUGE issue with men, and not often talked about. The sports betting apps have made it so much worse.

But I’m still going with “having an affair/not over his previous or possibly still on-going emotional affair.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hes cheating on you and needs to make you the bad guy in his mind.

Or hiding something. Money related? Work ir business related? Legal related?

That could be too, how are the finances OP? Is he addicted to gambling/betting? This is a huge, HUGE issue with men, and not often talked about. The sports betting apps have made it so much worse.

But I’m still going with “having an affair/not over his previous or possibly still on-going emotional affair.”

Money is very transparent so its not gambling.
The affair supposedly ended in late 23, but he could have just gotten better at hiding it, I found out completely by accident.
Maybe he's not over her or thinks that his life could be so much better if he was with her for real instead of me. To my knowledge they never met but I guess anything is possible if you want it bad enough.

[Anonymous]

I remember one night in a very bad patch in my marriage, I had gotten up from bed to use the bathroom. I was very quiet to not wake my husband, but when I got back in bed I guess I did. He angrily rolled over, flipped his pillow, and said “Jesus F’ing Christ”. Not loudly, but low and with contempt. I sat bolt upright and just looked at him, then left the room and slept in the guest room.

The next morning he was making breakfast and I calmly sat down and told him he was never to talk to me that way again. He sort of blew me off, until I walked over and stood directly in front of him, admittedly confrontational, but kept my voice calm and said “you may not swear at me in our bed. If you need to communicate that way I will leave”. And I meant it. There was something so insidious and cutting about him using that language in the dark cocoon of our bedroom, I thought, I’d feel safer sleeping alone if that’s how it’s going to be.

It took some years for things to improve. He’s a somewhat emotionally stunted man and can lack emotional generosity. But I think the best thing that came from me standing up for myself was that he learned where the line was. He didn’t cross it again.

OP this doesn’t address the cheating, which is a whole other ball of wax, and of course connected to the behavior. But at a bare minimum, what you can do now is decide where your boundaries are and enforce them. Calmly and intentionally. Protecting your sense of self won’t make your husband a better man, but will make you a better model for your kids.

[Anonymous]

He hates and resents you.

[Anonymous]

You annoy him. He doesn't like you anymore. He doesn't want to do thing together or be around you. How can you not feel it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I remember one night in a very bad patch in my marriage, I had gotten up from bed to use the bathroom. I was very quiet to not wake my husband, but when I got back in bed I guess I did. He angrily rolled over, flipped his pillow, and said “Jesus F’ing Christ”. Not loudly, but low and with contempt. I sat bolt upright and just looked at him, then left the room and slept in the guest room.

The next morning he was making breakfast and I calmly sat down and told him he was never to talk to me that way again. He sort of blew me off, until I walked over and stood directly in front of him, admittedly confrontational, but kept my voice calm and said “you may not swear at me in our bed. If you need to communicate that way I will leave”. And I meant it. There was something so insidious and cutting about him using that language in the dark cocoon of our bedroom, I thought, I’d feel safer sleeping alone if that’s how it’s going to be.

It took some years for things to improve. He’s a somewhat emotionally stunted man and can lack emotional generosity. But I think the best thing that came from me standing up for myself was that he learned where the line was. He didn’t cross it again.

OP this doesn’t address the cheating, which is a whole other ball of wax, and of course connected to the behavior. But at a bare minimum, what you can do now is decide where your boundaries are and enforce them. Calmly and intentionally. Protecting your sense of self won’t make your husband a better man, but will make you a better model for your kids.

Thank you very much for your thoughtful reply. Looking back was it worth all the effort?

[Anonymous]

Your husband has serious contempt for you. There is no coming back from that. You need to get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hes cheating on you and needs to make you the bad guy in his mind.

+1. Since this is out of the blue new behavior.
It's amazing how guys follow the same behavior when having an affair (I've learned soooo much since my STBX did this.)
Do some snooping. Check your cell records for his excessive calls/texting, track his car.
Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hes cheating on you and needs to make you the bad guy in his mind.

I didn’t want to cloud my first post with this information but I suppose it is really important.
He had a year and a half long emotional affair, it was all online but they would tell each other I love you. That ended and things have been improving but there’s still something really wrong here.

Cheaters cheat. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you literally say exactly what you said here and ask him what is up. He seems sort of fed up, and you need to figure out whether this is long term or short term.

I remember about a couple of years ago, my husband was a little fed up with me and told my kid that we couldn’t go to a garden center she was interested in “because mommy hates plants.” It was so ridiculous that we all three still make fun of it from time to time. But we are overall happily married. But at that moment, he was just super annoyed with me over a few things.

+1

I've been married 15 years and I adore my husband. But I'm human and he's human and sometimes he drives me nuts. I wouldn't, however, blame him for something in front of our kids. I may mutter something when he's not there (not under my breath, but that he really couldn't hear), although I don't know if it would rise to the level of what your husband said. Then the moments passes and we're fine.

So sometimes it's understandable to be annoyed by someone, but if it were me, I would bring it up and ask. Maybe it has nothing to do with you, maybe there is an issue that you should be aware of. But I'd be really clear that he needs to watch his mouth in front of the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hes cheating on you and needs to make you the bad guy in his mind.

I didn’t want to cloud my first post with this information but I suppose it is really important.
He had a year and a half long emotional affair, it was all online but they would tell each other I love you. That ended and things have been improving but there’s still something really wrong here.

Oh well then this isn't a run-of-the-mill annoyance thing. Were you in therapy after the affair? You should be now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hes cheating on you and needs to make you the bad guy in his mind.

I didn’t want to cloud my first post with this information but I suppose it is really important.
He had a year and a half long emotional affair, it was all online but they would tell each other I love you. That ended and things have been improving but there’s still something really wrong here.

Oh well then this isn't a run-of-the-mill annoyance thing. Were you in therapy after the affair? You should be now.

I was for the entirety of the affair, (my body was knew I was being lied to and it kind of made me crazy) and for about 10 months after discovery. I discontinued therapy because it was essentially she and I sitting there guessing

[Anonymous]

Sounds like what's going on is you'll be served papers soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hes cheating on you and needs to make you the bad guy in his mind.

I didn’t want to cloud my first post with this information but I suppose it is really important.
He had a year and a half long emotional affair, it was all online but they would tell each other I love you. That ended and things have been improving but there’s still something really wrong here.

Oh well then this isn't a run-of-the-mill annoyance thing. Were you in therapy after the affair? You should be now.

I was for the entirety of the affair, (my body was knew I was being lied to and it kind of made me crazy) and for about 10 months after discovery. I discontinued therapy because it was essentially she and I sitting there guessing

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