DH makes me be the bad guy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He works hard and wants to enjoy the family he is providing for when he can be around. He is a bit insensitive, but you have lost the joy in life to the tasks already. You should assign some tasks to the kids or ask him if you can hire some additional help a few days a week, so you can enjoy your family again.

Your mental health is important too, try not to blame him for the challenges you are experiencing, he is not creating problems on purpose to be an ass.

I'm sorry, but there isn't a ton of joy in meal prep, working, and shuttling kids to camp. Blaming the non-traveling spouse for lacking joy around holding things together during the week is pretty rich. Assigning tasks to kids is a great idea, but I don't think most little kids are capable of helping with cooking, meal prep, etc. in a way that saves more time- supervising and instructing them saves time in the future but not in the present tense.

I think there are seasons in life when when the whole family has to buckle down, especially the parents, to make things work. If one adult isn't doing that or acknowledging that, it becomes really unsustainable and unhealthy.

OP didn't say she is never spontaneous, but it sounds like this has been a month? two month? stretch of intense travel and holding down the fort. I've been in that place when we were actively pursuing new roles and/or promotions, or when kids made big shifts in schedules (preschool to elementary, adding big extracurricular commitment, etc.). The spontaneity had to be retired for a while until we got through the gauntlet and had room to breathe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not "making you be the bad guy." He's proposing something you don't want to do, but that lots of us would happily do. The kitchen is messy? Who cares? Your kid goes to camp a little tired? Not a big deal. All of this is very possible, but you're CHOOSING to say no. If you feel like the bad guy (and I agree, I think saying no to this makes you a bad parent), you can either change yourself or you can own it, but he's not responsible for your inflexibility.

Disagree. He swims all day, then piles on more work for her to do, then leaves for the week? That is disgusting behavior. What he should do is stay home all day, meal prepping for the week, since he won't be there to help. Give her a break to connect with her kids in a non-stressful environment like the pool. Then he should make dinner for her, the kids, and all their friends.

Wrong. He spent the day taking care of their kids while she spent it on "chores" that anyone with a brain knows are made up or unnecessary. This isn't Little House on the prairie, there aren't cows to feed and hay to make. There just isn't a full day of chores for anyone who isn't making them up to seem busy. Doing THAT instead of spending time with your kids and using your make work to justify taking time with friends away from them is disgusting; Not taking them to the pool.

Between working all day, transporting the kids between camp and activities, getting them fed, and packing their lunches all by herself, OP has to choose between going to sleep at a decent time or doing housework on weeknights. It sounds like she saves the housework for weekends. On the weekends, she’s doing laundry, grocery shopping, food prepping, and cleaning house. It absolutely can take all day.

When OP is spending the day at home, by herself, doing housework, she not be as presentable as she would be if she were expecting guests. If she’s prepping for multiple different meals, she’s probably got lots of things out and every kitchen counter full. If she’s doing lots of laundry, she might have a pile of clean clothes on the sofa to fold. In the time it would take for dh to stop off at the store and buy meat on the way home from the pool, she can’t move the laundry, tidy up the kitchen, change her clothes, and fix her hair. If she doesn’t tidy up the kitchen, there’s nowhere to prep anything for guests, such as turning ground beef into hamburgers. If she does tidy up, that means she has to stop the prep work for upcoming meals that she was trying to do to make her life easier in the coming days.

Wtf didn’t her dh text her discreetly before inviting the other family? Why didn’t he invite OP to join the others at a restaurant? Why didn’t he say let’s order pizza or get takeout? It’s like OP’s work is invisible to him.

I can tell you how I solved this problem, but the reason my solution worked is that we can afford it. DH also travels a lot and we both work, so we have some similarities. Our HHI is over 7 figures, though.

We have a full time nanny who is mostly focused on housework, including meal prep, keeping the house clean, and rides (we have to divide and conquer as kids have conflicting activities).

Our chef makes 2-4 dinners for us that we can reheat.

We have a cleaner who comes twice a week.

DH and I went to marriage counseling, and now he helps more around the house.

When friends are over, we use a caterer who cleans up afterward. We found that cooking is stressful for both of us and thus not worth doing, especially for the company.

Your life is not applicable to 99% of the people you meet so please stop acting like you have ANY answers, Marie. This post is just boasting. How little oxygen are you getting up there on that pedestal?

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine how you people deal with real problems if this is how you react to a change of dinner plans.

[Anonymous]

As someone whose partner travels extensively for work, and forgets about meals/bedtime?routine when he’s back ….i see you op.

It does sound like a fun thing to do after the pool, but the timing was not awesome. He should’ve checked before inviting folks over or just had everything delivered to the pool and invited you over for a break. A cookout another time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine how you people deal with real problems if this is how you react to a change of dinner plans.

That’s actually not what this post is about. And bless you if your life is that simple that you didn’t get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not "making you be the bad guy." He's proposing something you don't want to do, but that lots of us would happily do. The kitchen is messy? Who cares? Your kid goes to camp a little tired? Not a big deal. All of this is very possible, but you're CHOOSING to say no. If you feel like the bad guy (and I agree, I think saying no to this makes you a bad parent), you can either change yourself or you can own it, but he's not responsible for your inflexibility.

Disagree. He swims all day, then piles on more work for her to do, then leaves for the week? That is disgusting behavior. What he should do is stay home all day, meal prepping for the week, since he won't be there to help. Give her a break to connect with her kids in a non-stressful environment like the pool. Then he should make dinner for her, the kids, and all their friends.

Wrong. He spent the day taking care of their kids while she spent it on "chores" that anyone with a brain knows are made up or unnecessary. This isn't Little House on the prairie, there aren't cows to feed and hay to make. There just isn't a full day of chores for anyone who isn't making them up to seem busy. Doing THAT instead of spending time with your kids and using your make work to justify taking time with friends away from them is disgusting; Not taking them to the pool.

Between working all day, transporting the kids between camp and activities, getting them fed, and packing their lunches all by herself, OP has to choose between going to sleep at a decent time or doing housework on weeknights. It sounds like she saves the housework for weekends. On the weekends, she’s doing laundry, grocery shopping, food prepping, and cleaning house. It absolutely can take all day.

When OP is spending the day at home, by herself, doing housework, she not be as presentable as she would be if she were expecting guests. If she’s prepping for multiple different meals, she’s probably got lots of things out and every kitchen counter full. If she’s doing lots of laundry, she might have a pile of clean clothes on the sofa to fold. In the time it would take for dh to stop off at the store and buy meat on the way home from the pool, she can’t move the laundry, tidy up the kitchen, change her clothes, and fix her hair. If she doesn’t tidy up the kitchen, there’s nowhere to prep anything for guests, such as turning ground beef into hamburgers. If she does tidy up, that means she has to stop the prep work for upcoming meals that she was trying to do to make her life easier in the coming days.

Wtf didn’t her dh text her discreetly before inviting the other family? Why didn’t he invite OP to join the others at a restaurant? Why didn’t he say let’s order pizza or get takeout? It’s like OP’s work is invisible to him.

I can tell you how I solved this problem, but the reason my solution worked is that we can afford it. DH also travels a lot and we both work, so we have some similarities. Our HHI is over 7 figures, though.

We have a full time nanny who is mostly focused on housework, including meal prep, keeping the house clean, and rides (we have to divide and conquer as kids have conflicting activities).

Our chef makes 2-4 dinners for us that we can reheat.

We have a cleaner who comes twice a week.

DH and I went to marriage counseling, and now he helps more around the house.

When friends are over, we use a caterer who cleans up afterward. We found that cooking is stressful for both of us and thus not worth doing, especially for the company.

Your life is not applicable to 99% of the people you meet so please stop acting like you have ANY answers, Marie. This post is just boasting. How little oxygen are you getting up there on that pedestal?

Yep +1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine how you people deal with real problems if this is how you react to a change of dinner plans.

👀

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine how you people deal with real problems if this is how you react to a change of dinner plans.

That’s actually not what this post is about. And bless you if your life is that simple that you didn’t get it.

Of course it is. It's cloaked in the usual DCUM nonsense, but it's ultimately about changing plans from "I'm meal prepping tonight" to "we're having friends over." You can do that. It's possible, I literally did it last week in this exact scenario involving the pool. The food to be prepped gets put away and you get up a little early and do it in the morning or you prep day by day like lots of people do normally. You have people over with a little mess, which again, most normal people do all the time. It was a nice chance to see friends, and I wasn't stressed for a minute about it.

My life IS simple, but it's simple because of the choices I make, including how I choose to react to things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine how you people deal with real problems if this is how you react to a change of dinner plans.

That’s actually not what this post is about. And bless you if your life is that simple that you didn’t get it.

Of course it is. It's cloaked in the usual DCUM nonsense, but it's ultimately about changing plans from "I'm meal prepping tonight" to "we're having friends over." You can do that. It's possible, I literally did it last week in this exact scenario involving the pool. The food to be prepped gets put away and you get up a little early and do it in the morning or you prep day by day like lots of people do normally. You have people over with a little mess, which again, most normal people do all the time. It was a nice chance to see friends, and I wasn't stressed for a minute about it.

My life IS simple, but it's simple because of the choices I make, including how I choose to react to things.

You definitely read it wrong. It’s not about last-minute planning.

[Anonymous]

Dad is still in I live in a hotel mode from travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH was traveling Sun-late Friday, and every other week since the first week of June. I was barely holding things together this week and spent yesterday running the kids around to their stuff while he did laundry and caught up on sleep. Today I had a ton of chores to do to get set for the week so he took DD to the pool.

He called me at 6 pm from the pool (was supposed to be leaving at 5 to come home to make dinner) and said DD was having fun with friends and could her friends’ family come over and they could just get some extra meat to grill and it would be no big deal.

We can’t eat outside, too hot, the kitchen is a wreck because I’m meal prepping for the week, DD needed to be in bed at 8 for an early camp wake up Monday, and I have an early meeting. DH knew all this but put it on me to be the bad guy and realize this “plan” was a non-starter. And he did it all on the phone in front of the other family and the kids.

I’m so mad! Why couldn’t he just say to DD “no, that won’t work tonight”? Why couldn’t he even think through anything more than an hour in advance?

I hate that I never get to be the fun parent and that I’m killing spontaneity, but I also know that I’m the one who pays for spontaneity and flexibility by sleeping less and doing more in the wee hours or by scrambling during the day. And I’m hot and tired and have been going full tilt for weeks.

If he’s gone 5 days a week and nights a week he should cool it on his Saturday ideas.

And he should interview and hire you some help asap if he’s gone Sunday night through Friday night every other week.

Then you can spontaneously entertain outsiders at your house.

Surely he makes enough money to do this if these have been his job and career choices thus far.

[Anonymous]

Just say No, you are burned out.

So nice that he was partying at the pool whilst you were home doing housework and getting ready for new camps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:wow team OP here. I don't know how some of you function if you can just toss weekend chores away on whimsy! Carpe diem! Right Scarlett O'Haras? For some of us it isn't rigid control to get things done in an order---- it's survival! Once you're behind in the week you can never catch up. I don't know what y'all are dropping to catch up in the week. You're probably my coworkers. Or the DH!

Gotta love those dads who think every weekend so for entertainment and goofing around and then they disappear for the weekdays

When does the real life stuff get decided and done? Just piles up for the wifey to maybe do, doesn’t it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have no good reason why they couldn’t come over. It’s summer of course it’s hot, eat outside anyways there was a nice breeze yesterday. It’s summer who cares if the kid stays up late. It’s summer who cares if you use paper plates. It’s summer just enjoy your family without the stick.

Troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do your kids have a bedtime? Let them sleep when they’re tired.

lol trollin’!