Working moms - are we all pretending that we care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not read all the responses but as a relatively senior leader at my company (who is also a mom of 3), I find that sometimes the biggest problem is the employees without kids who care too much. They often get super worked up about very petty things (getting upset about which meetings they are not invited to, etc). whereas the parents tend to be more zen and keep it in perspective, which makes them better at their jobs.

LOL these dorks on my team get all bent out of shape over the order they appear in the email list

[Anonymous]

You must have grown up privileged OP. I grew up poor, so my job + child both mean the world to me to be able to provide a brighter future. I can walk + chew gum at the same time.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I find it hard to believe anyone really cares about increasing shareholder value regardless of parental status

Lol this, unless they are getting a lot of direct $$ from it in their comp.

I care about my career as a part of my identity.

The day to day feels mostly pointless in comparison to how much I care about my kids. So I know what you mean OP.

Sure you care about your kids more, so do I but how much of your time with your kids is sooo incredibly pointless.

Also, depending on age 30%, 40% up top 90% of my time (when they are in HS) is being in the same house not even around my kids. Talk about pointless.

Mine are preschool and ES. I feel like very little of it is "pointless" even if it's sometimes frustrating. OP sounds like a similar stage. I can't speak to what it's like being a parent of older kids.

Really? You think sitting on a bench at a park while they play isn’t pointless, or sitting in your house while they nap, or dress up.

I'm a working parent but I don't find those things pointless at all. Being present with a child is not pointless -- it's incredibly valuable, and there is scientific evidence that being nurtured by loving caregivers helps children create a foundational sense of self. I really love the time I spend with my kids, even if it's sitting on a park bench watching them play or (when they were younger) being nearby while the napped.

I also have always greatly appreciated all of my kids' paid caregivers, they do essential work and it's always been important for me to hire people who genuinely care for my kids and do not see their work as "pointless" but valuable in general and valued by my and my spouse.

If you think caring for children is pointless, I question why you had kids at all. Do you think you gave birth to tiny, fully formed adults? Do you think it's like having a pet rock or fake plants? Wtf?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's really not either/or. Lots of women leave the workforce for a year or two and then go back. Mist SAHMs are temporary. The desire to be home with your kids when they are little is real, biologically driven, and dies have some benefits if you can swing it financially. That benefit dissipates as kids get older and by late elementary, at the latest, most families are likely better off with an additional income due to rising costs of everything.

And then there is individual variation. Some people enjoy being home with young kids, others don't. There's no right or wrong there. If you hate the toddler phase, your kids are likely better off with a professional caregiver and a happy mom. If childcare where you live is insanely expensive or options are really limited, you might not be able to get the care you want without a SAHM. It just depends and everyone makes their own choices.

I was a sahm for 5 years but was SO ready to go back when I did.

I like having mom as part of my identity but I’m also proud of the work I do now. It’s not shareholder value that drives me, though, I just find the work fairly interesting and I like the people I work with.

[Anonymous]

To be happy, it helps to be good at what you do and find ways to enjoy it. Lots of parents have hobbies that they enjoy and are very good at and put a lot of effort into. Your job should be similarly fulfilling. So it’s not either/or. If you can’t find a way to be a “happy warrior” at work, you either picked the wrong field or just don’t want to have to put in effort beyond your role as parent, which probably means you want a soft life.

[Anonymous]

I couldn’t sit there doing blah work when my I was missing out on my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a toddler and a corporate job. Ever since having a baby, my feelings about my job have ranged between not caring at all and deep resentment. I don’t even mind my work, it just seems so trivial in comparison to the rest of my life now. Does everyone feel like this and just pretend. I work with other women who have little ones and some of them seriously talk about things like wanting to increase shareholder value and inside I’m thinking…are you nuts?

It’s not just working mothers. Most fathers feel this way.

Work is highly overrated. People who define themselves by their jobs are the saddest kind of pathetic people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's really not either/or. Lots of women leave the workforce for a year or two and then go back. Mist SAHMs are temporary. The desire to be home with your kids when they are little is real, biologically driven, and dies have some benefits if you can swing it financially. That benefit dissipates as kids get older and by late elementary, at the latest, most families are likely better off with an additional income due to rising costs of everything.

And then there is individual variation. Some people enjoy being home with young kids, others don't. There's no right or wrong there. If you hate the toddler phase, your kids are likely better off with a professional caregiver and a happy mom. If childcare where you live is insanely expensive or options are really limited, you might not be able to get the care you want without a SAHM. It just depends and everyone makes their own choices.

I was a sahm for 5 years but was SO ready to go back when I did.

I like having mom as part of my identity but I’m also proud of the work I do now. It’s not shareholder value that drives me, though, I just find the work fairly interesting and I like the people I work with.

Same. I found that part time work really helps balance out things for me. I was unhappy working full time. I was unhappy as a full time SAHM.. But part time of both is great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You must have grown up privileged OP. I grew up poor, so my job + child both mean the world to me to be able to provide a brighter future. I can walk + chew gum at the same time.

This. My job is what keeps us with food, housing, heat, etc. I care about my job because if I don’t do a good job, we won’t have all of those things. I also care because I’m not going to spend all of that time at work and not care about doing a good job. If I don’t, my students won’t learn how to read and write. Pretty important stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Girl, no one actually cares. It’s a game.

This. I'm a man who once had toddlers, and both before and after that couldn't care less.

[Anonymous]

I very much care about my job because it provides me with the resources necessary to support my kids, including paying for their expensive private school tuition. I put in 100% because I want to be recognized financially since my pay directly correlates to the lifestyle my kids have.

[Anonymous]

Yes it goes both ways. You don't care about your job and your job/workplace does not care about your toddler.

[Anonymous]

I care about being competent and educated with a variety of skills. I care about having something to do that isn't just parenting. I care a lot about keeping my boss happy for the job stability , and trying to earn more money.

I don't actually care about whether my company does well, except to the extent it improves my chances of keeping my job and growing my income. So I care but it's in a kind of nuanced way.

Before kids I cared more for the sake of caring. Idk if the shift is because I had kids, or if it would have come with age regardless.

[Anonymous]

I care about learning new things, challenging myself (within reason), and being a responsible co-worker to my colleagues. But I seriously don’t care about shareholder value or what’s best for the business beyond keeping my job. The business certainly doesn’t care about me and would get rid of me in a heartbeat if needed.

We need the money so I need a job. And it keeps my brain active for whatever that’s worth.

[Anonymous]