Boyfriend told me to “shut the F up”

Anonymous
This man does not align with OP's values. Good to find out now.
Anonymous
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Anonymous wrote:Why is the dog wearing a muzzle?


Agree as it seems as though your boyfriend is the one who should be wearing the muzzle.

My best advice (taken from a movie) is: Run Forrest Run !!!


Are you sure that’s from a movie? Which movie?


Can't recall at this time.

Forest Gump
Anonymous
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Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.


Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive.


Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters.


Not for me. I know that I will never be with a man who speaks to me this way.

So when dating partners did, I left until I found one who does not have temper tantrums like a child.


Temper tantrums is adding context that hasn’t been shared.

Context matters. Was it said in anger/maliciously? Was it said in an exasperated way while rolling eyes? The degree matters here. The literal words aren’t great but context very much matters. Some people are liberal with their profanity but the intent behind it isn’t as meaningful. Others can be spitting acid.


There is no context in which this is acceptable.


Sure there is. People use words to express themselves. Just because you don’t like the words doesn’t mean the intent or emotion behind them is necessary objectionable just because if you said it you’d mean it in an objectionable way.


And we all can choose to not be around people who use such words towards us.


Ok and we also can choose to be around them… relevance?


Sorry no, you can’t.

I refuse to be around people who talk to me like OPs date talked to her. I won’t remain in their presence and no vulgar jerk can choose to be around me if I don’t want it.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married 25 years and my husband has never said anything remotely like that to me. Having it said to you (in the context of a low stakes convo) while dating is a big, big red flag.


This. That was a hugely aggressive response from him on a topic that really shouldn't be stressful and produce a strong reaction.

You said you've been in an abusive relationship before that started with verbal abuse - are you following a pattern here?
Anonymous
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Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.


Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive.


Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters.


Not for me. I know that I will never be with a man who speaks to me this way.

So when dating partners did, I left until I found one who does not have temper tantrums like a child.


Temper tantrums is adding context that hasn’t been shared.

Context matters. Was it said in anger/maliciously? Was it said in an exasperated way while rolling eyes? The degree matters here. The literal words aren’t great but context very much matters. Some people are liberal with their profanity but the intent behind it isn’t as meaningful. Others can be spitting acid.


There is no context in which this is acceptable.


Sure there is. People use words to express themselves. Just because you don’t like the words doesn’t mean the intent or emotion behind them is necessary objectionable just because if you said it you’d mean it in an objectionable way.


And we all can choose to not be around people who use such words towards us.


Ok and we also can choose to be around them… relevance?


Sorry no, you can’t.

I refuse to be around people who talk to me like OPs date talked to her. I won’t remain in their presence and no vulgar jerk can choose to be around me if I don’t want it.

and that is how it should be. When you don't have personal boundaries and standards, you will put up with abuse. When an abusive person tests you and you respond in an accepting way, they up the next abuse session to see how much you'll take. Pp walking away at the first sign of abuse is the correct response. Anything else green lights your suffering.
Anonymous
He's trash. Dump him.
Anonymous

Mean to you and the dog. Big NO
Move on from that relationship.

🚩
Anonymous
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Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.


Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive.


Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters.


Not for me. I know that I will never be with a man who speaks to me this way.

So when dating partners did, I left until I found one who does not have temper tantrums like a child.


Temper tantrums is adding context that hasn’t been shared.

Context matters. Was it said in anger/maliciously? Was it said in an exasperated way while rolling eyes? The degree matters here. The literal words aren’t great but context very much matters. Some people are liberal with their profanity but the intent behind it isn’t as meaningful. Others can be spitting acid.


There is no context in which this is acceptable.


Sure there is. People use words to express themselves. Just because you don’t like the words doesn’t mean the intent or emotion behind them is necessary objectionable just because if you said it you’d mean it in an objectionable way.


And we all can choose to not be around people who use such words towards us.


Ok and we also can choose to be around them… relevance?


Sorry no, you can’t.

I refuse to be around people who talk to me like OPs date talked to her. I won’t remain in their presence and no vulgar jerk can choose to be around me if I don’t want it.

and that is how it should be. When you don't have personal boundaries and standards, you will put up with abuse. When an abusive person tests you and you respond in an accepting way, they up the next abuse session to see how much you'll take. Pp walking away at the first sign of abuse is the correct response. Anything else green lights your suffering.


Exactly. PP who uses such language to “express themselves” and feel entitled to be around people sounds like a classic abuser.
Anonymous
The mask is slipping.

Have you been in therapy after your abusive relationship? I’m wondering if you picked the same type of guy. Clearly he’s not a good, kind person, he was just able to hide it better.

I’m sorry op. I’d peace out before he gets more comfortable using that type of language and behavior.
Anonymous
OP here. Wow this got a
Lot of responses. I will answer some of the questions asked.

He said it in a way where he was annoyed. He wasn’t yelling. I think he was upset that I wasn’t treating the dog the same way he does, when I have her by myself.

The dog bit someone a few weeks back and thus the muzzle and his tight leash. He is very serious about dog training. We were in an area though that has light traffic, so I was just suggesting maybe the dog good get a moment of freedom since no one was around.

He said that he wasn’t saying it in a way to hurt me. I think as another poster said he is more liberal with words and the alcohol definitely aided that. I just don’t ever want to talk like that with each other. I’ve never seen any signs of him speaking poorly to me before this instance.
Anonymous
This is a major deal, OP. Your instincts are telling you that it’s the beginning of the end. Trust yourself and leave…don’t look back.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow this got a
Lot of responses. I will answer some of the questions asked.

He said it in a way where he was annoyed. He wasn’t yelling. I think he was upset that I wasn’t treating the dog the same way he does, when I have her by myself.

The dog bit someone a few weeks back and thus the muzzle and his tight leash. He is very serious about dog training. We were in an area though that has light traffic, so I was just suggesting maybe the dog good get a moment of freedom since no one was around.

He said that he wasn’t saying it in a way to hurt me. I think as another poster said he is more liberal with words and the alcohol definitely aided that. I just don’t ever want to talk like that with each other. I’ve never seen any signs of him speaking poorly to me before this instance.


Some people allow “stfu” to slip out and they don’t mean it like so many people here interpret it.

That said, you’re well within your rights to request he not speak to you like that and expect that he not speak to you like that going forward.

If a professional dog trainer, vet, or insurance company is suggesting the muzzle, then this isn’t really mistreatment.

Though a dog that has bitten is a very difficult training subject. Both of you need to be reasonable about what outcomes you expect from training.

My guess is he’s very attached to this dog and he’s nervous that he will need to put him down. Or, he knows he will need to put him down and it’s causing a lot of stress.

If you think the comment was made in frustration and due to a lot of stress and not anger and there is no history - it seems reasonable to provide a second chance (but be strict about it - there’s no reason to stick around someone who won’t play by reasonable rules).

I think a lot of posters imagined him screaming and being hateful. Being frustrated and saying it isn’t great but it’s several degrees less severe.

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:You don't care for the way he is treating you or the way he is treating his dog. The signs are there, time to exit.


There are two red flags. Something to think about,OP.

Not only did he tell you to shut the F up, he made it clear that your opinion doesn't matter/you shouldn't have one.
Anonymous
I’ve been with my husband for 22 years now. Neither one of us has ever cursed at each other or told the other to shut up. This is not because we’re perfect and it doesn’t mean we never argue or disagree. We both have made mistakes in arguments and said things that have hurt the others’ feelings BUT we’ve always been respectful toward each other. Telling someone to shut up is very disrespectful. Cursing at someone is very disrespectful. Will it lead to more abuse? I don’t know. I hope not. But it certainly isn’t a good sign of what’s to come. I’d be very cautious and if he ever crosses the line into disrespectful or abusive language again, that would be it for me. Maybe he’ll learn from this and never say anything like that to you again. But I am guessing most people who speak this way to someone they supposedly love will do so again in the future.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:If you’re otherwise inclined to stick around you need to mentally commit to no more strikes - anything more and you’re out.

It’s not great - but some guys speak that way to their friends, especially when drinking, and when drinking may have forgotten where he was.

That said if he said it with real vitriol and anger/meanness, I’d take it as a pretty big warning sign

Gross. Condoning abusive behavior is NOT it. This was a glaring red warning sign, the fact that you would encourage someone to give their abuser another chance is disgusting.
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