How do you deal with your child's disappointment for not getting into their "dream" school or highly ranked one?

[Anonymous]

How can you help her? Empathize but don’t feed the grieving and then focus on the positive.

OP, this is a gift in disguise. Rejection builds a thick skin which, in the game of life is an advantage that is invaluable in countless ways. She’ll be fine.

[Anonymous]

For a top student, there are no matches. There are just reaches and safeties. If you have a 1590 SAT score and 4.0 unweighted and perfect APs, you still are unlikely into MIT, Stanford, Yale etc.

[Anonymous]

Parents, please stop with all the "devastated" and "shattered" language. You are doing a disservice to your child and failing as a parent to enable that dramatic positioning for college acceptance decisions. Do you even hear yourselves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents, please stop with all the "devastated" and "shattered" language. You are doing a disservice to your child and failing as a parent to enable that dramatic positioning for college acceptance decisions. Do you even hear yourselves?

-1000

NP: same as a kid being devastated from a breakup. Kids feel things intensely, esp without the life experiences that sometimes grant us some perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is only a problem for you because your "circle" is a group of people who believe only a "top" school is acceptable.

Maybe rethink your circle. In our circle, parents happily cheer for Tech, JMU, Mason, etc. (in addition to UVA, Ivy's, whatever.)

UVA shouldn't be grouped in with Ivies. Thanks.

Shut your piehole, Jen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was our generation (Gen X) this caught up in colleges? I don't remember this much anguish. It is concerning.

Absolutely but it was way easier to get in.
Yield protection also makes safeties less safe. It’s a mess all around.

Things were much more straightforward then. You generally knew where you stood based on your grades and your SAT scores and you applied to five or six schools knowing you’d get into most of them. Maybe one was a reach and a roll of the dice. If your parents didn’t have money you applied to in-state schools.

The whole thing is a crazy exercise now, with gaming from both the schools and the applicants. We’ll be facing it in a couple of years and I’m dreading it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was our generation (Gen X) this caught up in colleges? I don't remember this much anguish. It is concerning.

I believe it's more where you live now vs when you went to college. I currently live in the DC area, and people here are much more prestige focused compared to where I went to high school (semi-rural VA). Very few people applied to top schools from my high school, and there was also a significant population of students that were not college bound.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was our generation (Gen X) this caught up in colleges? I don't remember this much anguish. It is concerning.

I believe it's more where you live now vs when you went to college. I currently live in the DC area, and people here are much more prestige focused compared to where I went to high school (semi-rural VA). Very few people applied to top schools from my high school, and there was also a significant population of students that were not college bound.

I grew up in the NYC suburbs where 90+% of our high school class went to college. It’s the times, not the location that is different.

[Anonymous]

It’s a combination of both the times and location. I live in Georgia and while more kids now are “in the know” about more colleges (internet), a lot of kids still go to our great state flagship, regional state universities and SEC schools in neighboring states.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was our generation (Gen X) this caught up in colleges? I don't remember this much anguish. It is concerning.

No. It’s so freaking ridiculous. My guess is OP’s kid is only shattered because OP is mentally unwell and has no perspective. As an adult, I cannot imagine caring where anyone went to school. People in DC are so incredibly immature, shallow, and one-dimensional. It’s so lame. Watching people lean into a conversation with me when they find out I went to Yale is so gross, I immediately know we won’t be friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can you help her? Empathize but don’t feed the grieving and then focus on the positive.

OP, this is a gift in disguise. Rejection builds a thick skin which, in the game of life is an advantage that is invaluable in countless ways. She’ll be fine.

+1. Just one of likely many disappointments in life. She also likely won't get every job she applies to, etc. Doesn't mean it's a personal assessment of her abilities; it's likely just a nunbers game. Adapt and move on. Focus on making connections, which often matters more than merit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know several girls who felt this way. Slways girls. Both because they worked so hard and have a harder time differentiating themselves in admissions, and because they care more than the average boy about external validation. They have been socialized to care a lot about external approval by our culture and it makes it harder.

I raised 2 athletic daughters who attended a public high school with weak athletic teams. By the time they applied to college, they were well acquainted with losing, so when the college rejections started arriving, there was disappointment, but not a hint of devastation.

I’m curious if many of these girls who are destroyed by college rejections played a lot of athletic teams, because it seems like learning that “you don’t win them all” in sports makes you accept the cruel realities of life well before you apply to colleges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several girls who felt this way. Slways girls. Both because they worked so hard and have a harder time differentiating themselves in admissions, and because they care more than the average boy about external validation. They have been socialized to care a lot about external approval by our culture and it makes it harder.

I raised 2 athletic daughters who attended a public high school with weak athletic teams. By the time they applied to college, they were well acquainted with losing, so when the college rejections started arriving, there was disappointment, but not a hint of devastation.

I’m curious if many of these girls who are destroyed by college rejections played a lot of athletic teams, because it seems like learning that “you don’t win them all” in sports makes you accept the cruel realities of life well before you apply to colleges.

Just to add that DD is a tennis player, which is a particularly mental sport. Losing on a regular basis has built up her resilience tremendously.

[Anonymous]

Work to get them excited about the school she will be attending. Encourage her to give it a full shot but recognize that transfer options exist.

If going the transfer route, take advantage of the information available to pick schools she will like but fit a profile where she will be accepted.

[Anonymous]

I was a little surprised this year at DS's school. He goes to a small private and the strong students become obvious throughout the years. Several of the strongest chose local or small schools. Finances, interests, and proximity to home played a role. Unless someone got into Stanford or is going to the local community college (and even then), I don't make judgements about their achievements and current capabilities.
I know your DD is disappointed. My son hit his targets but was ultimately rejected/waitlisted at all reaches. He's a great student and we encouraged him to embrace his new school. Once he applied for housing, got on social media with other incoming freshman, and signed up for orientation, he's all in.