How do you deal with your child's disappointment for not getting into their "dream" school or highly ranked one?

[Anonymous]

DD is shattered, she did quite well in high school but could have done more in extracurriculars and clubs. She decided to go to local, liberal arts college vs. direct into a business program for now. I, too, am bummed. All our circle of friends and daughter's friends will be attending top schools next year. I wish I never interacted with anyone at her school, I am asked constantly about DD. I tell (her &) them I am proud of her and her achievements, etc. I wish I had a stronger comeback to not get that shrug look from others.

I wanted to take DD away for a weekend but she just wants to hide, so to speak. Suggestions/advice?

[Anonymous]

The next few months will be rough. Just make sure she is going to school with as good of an attitude as possible. Then hopefully she will have a great experience and all of this will be behind her. No regrets (I know that is easier said than done).

[Anonymous]

As a parent, I can only imagine that this is difficult for you. I also was disappointed to not go to my "dream" school where some of my closest friends got in. However, in hindsight, I truly believe that college is what you make of it. There are tons of opportunities, wonderful professors and programs everywhere. With the right attitude, your child can thrive at her school and find their footing and their people. If they are interested in going to grad school, they will have another shot also and a good grad school is more important than a good undergrad.

[Anonymous]

Our counselor emphasized finding safeties that DC would be excited to attend. I agree that it is important. And we did find two.

DC too has their dream school, it’s a reach and they have a good chance getting in. Knowing that there are safeties where they will be happy really helps.

[Anonymous]

This is the peak moment for these feelings, because right now college is only an idea. Once your daughter and the other kids are actually at the schools, it will be more real, and there will be ups, downs, disappointments and silver linings. I don’t mean everyone will hate their school, but they will have the problems of life (food, roommates, stress) and experiences that may not be what anyone expects. In a matter of months she won’t care anymore.

[Anonymous]

It sucks. Four of my daughter’s friends are switching colleges between freshman and sophomore years so it is an option to try again. In each case they are swapping up to get into harder to get into schools.

[Anonymous]

I have two kids a year apart, first is at an Ivy and second is at an average school as he does better being a big fish in a little pond. He is smart too and I think people expected him to go to a higher ranked school. I’ve been really cognizant of peoples remarks when asked, and I honestly don’t think either got much. People didn’t react overly positive to Ivy, it almost feels like you can’t be proud and have to underplay it. They also didn’t really respond with anything noticeable with second. Most people are too in their own heads to really care one way of another.

This is worst time as it’s constant topic and you have all this anticipation. They may just love it and be the star of the show. Others that were very happy with school will be met with challenges and they’ll see it’s not all rosy anywhere. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Was our generation (Gen X) this caught up in colleges? I don't remember this much anguish. It is concerning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is shattered, she did quite well in high school but could have done more in extracurriculars and clubs. She decided to go to local, liberal arts college vs. direct into a business program for now. I, too, am bummed. All our circle of friends and daughter's friends will be attending top schools next year. I wish I never interacted with anyone at her school, I am asked constantly about DD. I tell (her &) them I am proud of her and her achievements, etc. I wish I had a stronger comeback to not get that shrug look from others.

I wanted to take DD away for a weekend but she just wants to hide, so to speak. Suggestions/advice?

I’d hate to be your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is shattered, she did quite well in high school but could have done more in extracurriculars and clubs. She decided to go to local, liberal arts college vs. direct into a business program for now. I, too, am bummed. All our circle of friends and daughter's friends will be attending top schools next year. I wish I never interacted with anyone at her school, I am asked constantly about DD. I tell (her &) them I am proud of her and her achievements, etc. I wish I had a stronger comeback to not get that shrug look from others.

I wanted to take DD away for a weekend but she just wants to hide, so to speak. Suggestions/advice?

Buy the sweatshirt and the mug and the bumper sticker for your DD's liberal arts college. Embrace it and celebrate it! Open up the course calendar and have her make her own plan of attack for how she'll take control of her experience, understand the resources, how to build a relationship with professors. HOW you go to college (mindset) is much more important than where you go to college.

[Anonymous]

Just let her be. She needs to learn to own her life. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

My DD was devastated when she was deferred (and late WL) at her top choice while her good friend, who is super pretty, rich, popular and attended at top boarding school, got in. DD has always felt competitive with her (though I don’t think it went in the other direction) and was determined to go to a top school. All we could do was console her and tell her to make the best of what she had. She’s now in a top ranked program at a 60ish ranked school and says it is the best place for her. You can tell them all you want that it works out, but they won’t believe you until you do.

Also, you have to stop comparing your family to others.

[Anonymous]

I fundamentally don't understand these posts.

My kid applied only to schools where they wanted to go...whether reach, target or safety.

There was no "dream" school because that's a flawed concept...there were 5 schools call it where there was more excitement vs. the other 5, but that's about it.

Kid ended up getting into 4 of the 10 EA, so withdrew from the other 6 because 2 of the 4 were top candidates...but one of the final 2 was a reach and the other a safety, yet it was still sort of a tough choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I fundamentally don't understand these posts.

My kid applied only to schools where they wanted to go...whether reach, target or safety.

There was no "dream" school because that's a flawed concept...there were 5 schools call it where there was more excitement vs. the other 5, but that's about it.

Kid ended up getting into 4 of the 10 EA, so withdrew from the other 6 because 2 of the 4 were top candidates...but one of the final 2 was a reach and the other a safety, yet it was still sort of a tough choice.

I totally agree. Being “devastated” by being rejected by a “dream” school is a sign of massive insecurity and/or naivety on both the parent and kid part. It makes no sense.

Almost everyone gets rejected by their “dream” school. That’s why it’s a dream.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I fundamentally don't understand these posts.

My kid applied only to schools where they wanted to go...whether reach, target or safety.

There was no "dream" school because that's a flawed concept...there were 5 schools call it where there was more excitement vs. the other 5, but that's about it.

Kid ended up getting into 4 of the 10 EA, so withdrew from the other 6 because 2 of the 4 were top candidates...but one of the final 2 was a reach and the other a safety, yet it was still sort of a tough choice.

Logically you can know not to have a dream school, but these are teens, and feelings aren’t always rational.

Safeties are particularly hard for tippy top students. It feels like a failure after working harder than most.