How do you deal with your child's disappointment for not getting into their "dream" school or highly ranked one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our counselor emphasized finding safeties that DC would be excited to attend. I agree that it is important. And we did find two.

DC too has their dream school, it’s a reach and they have a good chance getting in. Knowing that there are safeties where they will be happy really helps.

Not in the least helpful for OP’s painful situation.

DP

You can't help the OP they dug their grave.

You can help everyone that will be going through the process next year. Have a couple of safeties where your child will be happy.

This sounds good. My DD would’t have been happy at a safety after working her ass off. But still happily applied to them. Thought one school was the one EA but was deferred and waitlisted. Got into another higher ranked school across the country and never looked back. But I understand the pain for these young kids. People are so holier than thou.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several girls who felt this way. Slways girls. Both because they worked so hard and have a harder time differentiating themselves in admissions, and because they care more than the average boy about external validation. They have been socialized to care a lot about external approval by our culture and it makes it harder.

But doesn't the whole ED process encourage kids to pick a school that they would choose above all other schools? The one school where, if they got in, they would love to go over any other of the 1,000 plus schools out there? I feel like it does and back when we were applying to college, ED was not considered to be providing the advantage that it does now.

It's important to have a layered strategy, typically including EA safeties, EA targets (if any), ED, ED2, and RD (reach, target). ED and ED2 should be DC's dream schools, they could be low reach or high target. In RD, DC should have a good mix of reach and target, providing that DC got in at least one safety in EA. OP's DC didn't get in any target indicates their strategy was flawed, probably there is no enough targets in the RD round.

Agree this is key. Vanishingly few get into high reaches ED or EA.

Are "high reach" "low reach" "high target" etc. able to be defined? As in with %ile for GPA/SAT? If a student is at the 75% for both GPA and SAT, does that make it a target?

There's no "official" definition, but this article — https://support.collegekickstart.com/hc/en-us/articles/217485088-Differences-Between-Likely-Target-Reach-and-Unlikely-Schools — explains it well. The general idea is that, yes, if your student is in the top quarter of a school's CDS values, you'd place it in that right column, but the school's selectivity would determine which vertical section it would go in.

DCUM people are overly confident and overly optimistic, so you'll probably hear people saying this matrix is too conservative. But I'd rather set expectations low for my child and then have a pleasant surprise. In fact, what they call a "reach" I framed to my kids as "unlikely". (My kids' stats put them in at least the middle 50%, and usually the top 25%, so the pink "unlikely" section on the example chart didn't really exist for them. Nevertheless, I used the words "unlikely", "target", and "likely".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several girls who felt this way. Slways girls. Both because they worked so hard and have a harder time differentiating themselves in admissions, and because they care more than the average boy about external validation. They have been socialized to care a lot about external approval by our culture and it makes it harder.

But doesn't the whole ED process encourage kids to pick a school that they would choose above all other schools? The one school where, if they got in, they would love to go over any other of the 1,000 plus schools out there? I feel like it does and back when we were applying to college, ED was not considered to be providing the advantage that it does now.

It's important to have a layered strategy, typically including EA safeties, EA targets (if any), ED, ED2, and RD (reach, target). ED and ED2 should be DC's dream schools, they could be low reach or high target. In RD, DC should have a good mix of reach and target, providing that DC got in at least one safety in EA. OP's DC didn't get in any target indicates their strategy was flawed, probably there is no enough targets in the RD round.

+1

Good strategy/advice all around.

DC did the EA rounds and choose a high target ( I like that classification) ED2. Had 4.0 GPA and the 75th percentile SAT to try to lock the first choice down ( would have been really disappointed if ED2 was skipped and not admitted RD). Accepted ED2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is shattered, she did quite well in high school but could have done more in extracurriculars and clubs. She decided to go to local, liberal arts college vs. direct into a business program for now. I, too, am bummed. All our circle of friends and daughter's friends will be attending top schools next year. I wish I never interacted with anyone at her school, I am asked constantly about DD. I tell (her &) them I am proud of her and her achievements, etc. I wish I had a stronger comeback to not get that shrug look from others.

I wanted to take DD away for a weekend but she just wants to hide, so to speak. Suggestions/advice?

Could it be that DD has more genuine interest in liberal arts but was trying to be a business kid? Maybe that’s why she didn’t participate in more activities. The liberal arts school and path could be great for her. She can explore her interests in an environment that may be an excellent fit. If she applies herself, she could be very successful, and most importantly happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several girls who felt this way. Slways girls. Both because they worked so hard and have a harder time differentiating themselves in admissions, and because they care more than the average boy about external validation. They have been socialized to care a lot about external approval by our culture and it makes it harder.

But doesn't the whole ED process encourage kids to pick a school that they would choose above all other schools? The one school where, if they got in, they would love to go over any other of the 1,000 plus schools out there? I feel like it does and back when we were applying to college, ED was not considered to be providing the advantage that it does now.

It's important to have a layered strategy, typically including EA safeties, EA targets (if any), ED, ED2, and RD (reach, target). ED and ED2 should be DC's dream schools, they could be low reach or high target. In RD, DC should have a good mix of reach and target, providing that DC got in at least one safety in EA. OP's DC didn't get in any target indicates their strategy was flawed, probably there is no enough targets in the RD round.

Agree this is key. Vanishingly few get into high reaches ED or EA.

Are "high reach" "low reach" "high target" etc. able to be defined? As in with %ile for GPA/SAT? If a student is at the 75% for both GPA and SAT, does that make it a target?

There's no "official" definition, but this article — https://support.collegekickstart.com/hc/en-us/articles/217485088-Differences-Between-Likely-Target-Reach-and-Unlikely-Schools — explains it well. The general idea is that, yes, if your student is in the top quarter of a school's CDS values, you'd place it in that right column, but the school's selectivity would determine which vertical section it would go in.

DCUM people are overly confident and overly optimistic, so you'll probably hear people saying this matrix is too conservative. But I'd rather set expectations low for my child and then have a pleasant surprise. In fact, what they call a "reach" I framed to my kids as "unlikely". (My kids' stats put them in at least the middle 50%, and usually the top 25%, so the pink "unlikely" section on the example chart didn't really exist for them. Nevertheless, I used the words "unlikely", "target", and "likely".

Hey, I love that matrix and had not seen it before. Thanks for linking it!

[Anonymous]

I think ur child needs to learn how to deal with you, not you need to deal with it. You’re just there for support, not snowplowing their path.

[Anonymous]

*deal with it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is shattered, she did quite well in high school but could have done more in extracurriculars and clubs. She decided to go to local, liberal arts college vs. direct into a business program for now. I, too, am bummed. All our circle of friends and daughter's friends will be attending top schools next year. I wish I never interacted with anyone at her school, I am asked constantly about DD. I tell (her &) them I am proud of her and her achievements, etc. I wish I had a stronger comeback to not get that shrug look from others.

I wanted to take DD away for a weekend but she just wants to hide, so to speak. Suggestions/advice?

- Let her mourn.

- Explain that this is a good chance to learn how to handle adversity.

- Encourage her to fall in love with the local liberal arts college. Read up on it; maybe it’s more interesting than you think.

[Anonymous]

The school DS is ED'ing to is win or go home - no waitlist for ED. If he doesn't get in, it'll be easier to cut the cord and move on (and he's already going into it knowing it's a small cohort and his chances are slimmer than Harvard acceptance rate so eyes wide open).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is shattered, she did quite well in high school but could have done more in extracurriculars and clubs. She decided to go to local, liberal arts college vs. direct into a business program for now. I, too, am bummed. All our circle of friends and daughter's friends will be attending top schools next year. I wish I never interacted with anyone at her school, I am asked constantly about DD. I tell (her &) them I am proud of her and her achievements, etc. I wish I had a stronger comeback to not get that shrug look from others.

I wanted to take DD away for a weekend but she just wants to hide, so to speak. Suggestions/advice?

It doesn't help you now, but maybe others. Despite mistakes our family made during the process, we DID successfully manage expectations with our two kids. Clearly outlined a budget. Accurately determined reaches, targets and safeties. Minor disappointment with child number 1 but he got over it pretty quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was our generation (Gen X) this caught up in colleges? I don't remember this much anguish. It is concerning.

Absolutely but it was way easier to get in.
Yield protection also makes safeties less safe. It’s a mess all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is shattered, she did quite well in high school but could have done more in extracurriculars and clubs. She decided to go to local, liberal arts college vs. direct into a business program for now. I, too, am bummed. All our circle of friends and daughter's friends will be attending top schools next year. I wish I never interacted with anyone at her school, I am asked constantly about DD. I tell (her &) them I am proud of her and her achievements, etc. I wish I had a stronger comeback to not get that shrug look from others.

I wanted to take DD away for a weekend but she just wants to hide, so to speak. Suggestions/advice?

I went to my dream school. I was so hung up on it. I told everyone I knew I wanted to go there. I was quoted in a regional newspaper for some academic award, and I said I wanted to go there.

It was fine. I liked it while I was there, but as an adult I feel many other places would have been better and even more would have been just as good.

I interview for our school, and that’s the message I try to share with them that this step is not the end, every path will have more opportunities to advance and have good outcomes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is only a problem for you because your "circle" is a group of people who believe only a "top" school is acceptable.

Maybe rethink your circle. In our circle, parents happily cheer for Tech, JMU, Mason, etc. (in addition to UVA, Ivy's, whatever.)

UVA shouldn't be grouped in with Ivies. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP who said there's no "dream" school, but only reaches, targets and likely choices.

Having said that I do think some people have very unrealistic expectations. And that only leads to disappointment.

Do brilliantly at the place you land, it means post-grad you'll have more options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our counselor emphasized finding safeties that DC would be excited to attend. I agree that it is important. And we did find two.

DC too has their dream school, it’s a reach and they have a good chance getting in. Knowing that there are safeties where they will be happy really helps.

Not in the least helpful for OP’s painful situation.

DP

You can't help the OP they dug their grave.

You can help everyone that will be going through the process next year. Have a couple of safeties where your child will be happy.

It is the equivalent of someone making any choice and it having unwanted consequences. You can empathize and offer words of encouragement and ideas for how to help a kid/person get over any big life disappointment. If a friend said this to you in person, that is exactly what you would do. “Try and hype up the school.” “As adults, no one cares where anyone went to school.” “After your first job, it won’t matter. From then on, it is based on experience.”