How do you deal with your child's disappointment for not getting into their "dream" school or highly ranked one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fundamentally don't understand these posts.

My kid applied only to schools where they wanted to go...whether reach, target or safety.

There was no "dream" school because that's a flawed concept...there were 5 schools call it where there was more excitement vs. the other 5, but that's about it.

Kid ended up getting into 4 of the 10 EA, so withdrew from the other 6 because 2 of the 4 were top candidates...but one of the final 2 was a reach and the other a safety, yet it was still sort of a tough choice.

Logically you can know not to have a dream school, but these are teens, and feelings aren’t always rational.

Safeties are particularly hard for tippy top students. It feels like a failure after working harder than most.

I get it..but going to the local liberal arts college seems to indicate a terrible college application strategy (using OP's words here).

My kid would have also been devastated if they ended up attending Marymount University (I'm not trying to knock...just picking a local DC not name-brand college) because they only applied to Marymount, Harvard, Princeton and Yale.

Of course, that wouldn't happen because we never would have allowed those to be the only choices.

[Anonymous]

I know several girls who felt this way. Slways girls. Both because they worked so hard and have a harder time differentiating themselves in admissions, and because they care more than the average boy about external validation. They have been socialized to care a lot about external approval by our culture and it makes it harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know several girls who felt this way. Slways girls. Both because they worked so hard and have a harder time differentiating themselves in admissions, and because they care more than the average boy about external validation. They have been socialized to care a lot about external approval by our culture and it makes it harder.

But doesn't the whole ED process encourage kids to pick a school that they would choose above all other schools? The one school where, if they got in, they would love to go over any other of the 1,000 plus schools out there? I feel like it does and back when we were applying to college, ED was not considered to be providing the advantage that it does now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several girls who felt this way. Slways girls. Both because they worked so hard and have a harder time differentiating themselves in admissions, and because they care more than the average boy about external validation. They have been socialized to care a lot about external approval by our culture and it makes it harder.

But doesn't the whole ED process encourage kids to pick a school that they would choose above all other schools? The one school where, if they got in, they would love to go over any other of the 1,000 plus schools out there? I feel like it does and back when we were applying to college, ED was not considered to be providing the advantage that it does now.

Good point

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is shattered, she did quite well in high school but could have done more in extracurriculars and clubs. She decided to go to local, liberal arts college vs. direct into a business program for now. I, too, am bummed. All our circle of friends and daughter's friends will be attending top schools next year. I wish I never interacted with anyone at her school, I am asked constantly about DD. I tell (her &) them I am proud of her and her achievements, etc. I wish I had a stronger comeback to not get that shrug look from others.

I wanted to take DD away for a weekend but she just wants to hide, so to speak. Suggestions/advice?

I get it. But there is nothing like barriers to help her growth. We all have to suck it up one day and take it in the chin. Good thing it was early for her. It will make her better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our counselor emphasized finding safeties that DC would be excited to attend. I agree that it is important. And we did find two.

DC too has their dream school, it’s a reach and they have a good chance getting in. Knowing that there are safeties where they will be happy really helps.

Not in the least helpful for OP’s painful situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is shattered, she did quite well in high school but could have done more in extracurriculars and clubs. She decided to go to local, liberal arts college vs. direct into a business program for now. I, too, am bummed. All our circle of friends and daughter's friends will be attending top schools next year. I wish I never interacted with anyone at her school, I am asked constantly about DD. I tell (her &) them I am proud of her and her achievements, etc. I wish I had a stronger comeback to not get that shrug look from others.

I wanted to take DD away for a weekend but she just wants to hide, so to speak. Suggestions/advice?

Unless there are serious mental health issues to contend with, by August, she'll be ok. When school is out and she's not surrounded by her competitive/catty girl senior cohorts (who are in others' business), most of whom she'll never see again, she'll get her bearings straight on her college this fall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several girls who felt this way. Slways girls. Both because they worked so hard and have a harder time differentiating themselves in admissions, and because they care more than the average boy about external validation. They have been socialized to care a lot about external approval by our culture and it makes it harder.

But doesn't the whole ED process encourage kids to pick a school that they would choose above all other schools? The one school where, if they got in, they would love to go over any other of the 1,000 plus schools out there? I feel like it does and back when we were applying to college, ED was not considered to be providing the advantage that it does now.

It's important to have a layered strategy, typically including EA safeties, EA targets (if any), ED, ED2, and RD (reach, target). ED and ED2 should be DC's dream schools, they could be low reach or high target. In RD, DC should have a good mix of reach and target, providing that DC got in at least one safety in EA. OP's DC didn't get in any target indicates their strategy was flawed, probably there is no enough targets in the RD round.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several girls who felt this way. Slways girls. Both because they worked so hard and have a harder time differentiating themselves in admissions, and because they care more than the average boy about external validation. They have been socialized to care a lot about external approval by our culture and it makes it harder.

But doesn't the whole ED process encourage kids to pick a school that they would choose above all other schools? The one school where, if they got in, they would love to go over any other of the 1,000 plus schools out there? I feel like it does and back when we were applying to college, ED was not considered to be providing the advantage that it does now.

IN most cases ED does not provide the advantage that people believe that it does. A few points here and there but not the 3x chance that too many believe from looking at rates and not understanding the nuance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several girls who felt this way. Slways girls. Both because they worked so hard and have a harder time differentiating themselves in admissions, and because they care more than the average boy about external validation. They have been socialized to care a lot about external approval by our culture and it makes it harder.

But doesn't the whole ED process encourage kids to pick a school that they would choose above all other schools? The one school where, if they got in, they would love to go over any other of the 1,000 plus schools out there? I feel like it does and back when we were applying to college, ED was not considered to be providing the advantage that it does now.

It's important to have a layered strategy, typically including EA safeties, EA targets (if any), ED, ED2, and RD (reach, target). ED and ED2 should be DC's dream schools, they could be low reach or high target. In RD, DC should have a good mix of reach and target, providing that DC got in at least one safety in EA. OP's DC didn't get in any target indicates their strategy was flawed, probably there is no enough targets in the RD round.

Agree this is key. Vanishingly few get into high reaches ED or EA.

[Anonymous]

Why does your daughter need to hide for a weekend? Wear the college shirt, put out a yard sign, display the bumper sticker. More importantly, talk to others who have kids at that college or who are current students. Surround yourself with people who will lift your daughter up and get her excited about what’s ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our counselor emphasized finding safeties that DC would be excited to attend. I agree that it is important. And we did find two.

DC too has their dream school, it’s a reach and they have a good chance getting in. Knowing that there are safeties where they will be happy really helps.

Not in the least helpful for OP’s painful situation.

DP

You can't help the OP they dug their grave.

You can help everyone that will be going through the process next year. Have a couple of safeties where your child will be happy.

[Anonymous]

This is only a problem for you because your "circle" is a group of people who believe only a "top" school is acceptable.

Maybe rethink your circle. In our circle, parents happily cheer for Tech, JMU, Mason, etc. (in addition to UVA, Ivy's, whatever.)

[Anonymous]

You need to turn the clock back 10 years and teach more resilience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several girls who felt this way. Slways girls. Both because they worked so hard and have a harder time differentiating themselves in admissions, and because they care more than the average boy about external validation. They have been socialized to care a lot about external approval by our culture and it makes it harder.

But doesn't the whole ED process encourage kids to pick a school that they would choose above all other schools? The one school where, if they got in, they would love to go over any other of the 1,000 plus schools out there? I feel like it does and back when we were applying to college, ED was not considered to be providing the advantage that it does now.

It's important to have a layered strategy, typically including EA safeties, EA targets (if any), ED, ED2, and RD (reach, target). ED and ED2 should be DC's dream schools, they could be low reach or high target. In RD, DC should have a good mix of reach and target, providing that DC got in at least one safety in EA. OP's DC didn't get in any target indicates their strategy was flawed, probably there is no enough targets in the RD round.

Agree this is key. Vanishingly few get into high reaches ED or EA.

Are "high reach" "low reach" "high target" etc. able to be defined? As in with %ile for GPA/SAT? If a student is at the 75% for both GPA and SAT, does that make it a target?