Should I not marry a high earner?

[Anonymous]

From my experience, someone needs to have a flexible job with kids especially when they are younger and get sick often. School schedules are also not the greatest for working parents (bus pickup times, holidays, school hours). You might be able to outsource some of it but likely someone in the household needs to be flexible. I can work remotely a few days a week or leave work early so it usually lands on me. If we both had demanding jobs, it would be tough. Married medical professionals for example need a combination of childcare like a full-time nanny with a hybrid schedule and daycare or two nannies to get through the young years and ensure coverage.

[Anonymous]

Most men are not super great husbands and hands-on dads. You will end up doing 70%+ of the work regardless of
his income. So, might as well marry one who earns more money.

Yes, there are exceptions. But not a lot.

[Anonymous]

My husband earns a similar salary. I do consider him a relatively high earner and I earns decent salary but not as much. I will tell you it’s shocking to me that it really doesn’t go as far as you think. We are happy and comfortable but it’s not an enough money to just throw at every problem when you have multiple kids and a mortgage. Also outsourcing is not the solution that people make it seem like unless you really don’t care about a lot of things, like the cleaning person, who came recommended and you pay well, destroying your ultrasound pictures and damaging your favorite table. Stuff like that happens, and you pay a ton and they cancel and want to come inconvenient times. But of course money helps.

No marriage is perfect and no husband is perfect. This is all more about fit than one person being good or bad. It’s about what you want your life to be like. There are lots of different kinds of high paying jobs with different downsides. My husband periodically just disappears into work and will be unavailable the entire weekend. I hate it, but other times he is available and can go on field trips etc. I just never know when the disappearing is going to happen. Other jobs like physicians have regular but long hours. I would try to see what some of the people at his work about 10 years older than him are like. Are they all divorced? It’s pretty remarkable in some fields.

It’s also really hard to know what life is like with kids before. I think it’s smart to think about how he handles stress, how he problem solves, the lifestyle he is used to/expects and how much his job is a part of his identity. You guys will need to adapt when you have kids. In a lot of marriages, especially when there is a financial imbalance, the man doesn’t feel the need to adapt much or at all so the woman has to figure that out on her own. That is hard and lonely.

[Anonymous]

When I was growing up my BFF’s Dad was a surgeon. She adored him but he was **never** home. I even remember my BFF’s mother commenting on it bitterly when we were teens. He was incredibly siccessful and they were very wealthy but…Something to consider for sure

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Are they jealous? DH is a high earner and is an amazing husband and dad. Sounds like despite being a high earner he makes time for you now and is a good bf. DH hasn't changed in the 17 years we've been together. Has always been great.

I don’t think they are jealous. Some of these women are older ladies who tell me how bad it is to be in charge of kids and the house and all the husband does is make a paycheck. They warned me that this will be my life is I choose a man who works too much.

They are jealous.

And whether or not a man shares his burden in housework and kid raising is not necessarily related to how much he earns. Plenty of slacker husbands out there who don't earn that much or a ton and still make the woman do most of the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most men are not super great husbands and hands-on dads. You will end up doing 70%+ of the work regardless of
his income. So, might as well marry one who earns more money.

Yes, there are exceptions. But not a lot.

Totally agree. You sound like a troll OP or someone who grew up poor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Are they jealous? DH is a high earner and is an amazing husband and dad. Sounds like despite being a high earner he makes time for you now and is a good bf. DH hasn't changed in the 17 years we've been together. Has always been great.

I don’t think they are jealous. Some of these women are older ladies who tell me how bad it is to be in charge of kids and the house and all the husband does is make a paycheck. They warned me that this will be my life is I choose a man who works too much.

They are jealous.

And whether or not a man shares his burden in housework and kid raising is not necessarily related to how much he earns. Plenty of slacker husbands out there who don't earn that much or a ton and still make the woman do most of the work.

DH is a high earned and does at least half of the housework and parenting. He's got high standards across the board.

[Anonymous]

Forget about income for a sec. The real problem is hours, flexibility, and stress.

If you want a 50/50 partnership, and you’re a straight woman, your husband needs to be working 40 hours a week. MAYBE 45. Otherwise, particularly if he makes way more money, you’re the primary parent, whether you want to be or not, even if you work full time.

So - what are his current hours? If he’s working significantly more than 40 hours a week, how does he think that will change when you have kids? Does what he’s saying sound thoughtful? Are you on the same page? “I’m sure it will all work out” or “no, I’ll definitely help out” or “plenty of parents put in a lot of hours” - run. You will not get what you want. “I’m paying my dues now. In 3-5 years, I’ll be able to take a big step back.” Or “Yeah, this job is a great fit for me now, but once kids are on the way, I think a lower-pressure job like XYZ would be a better fit more my life” - great.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on what they do. My DH is a high earner. He makes around $700k but he is a lawyer. He works a lot. When he is home he helps with the kids but definitely does not do 50/50.

I work too and make $150k. I would never leave my job.

We have 3 kids and they are expensive. I am organized and have it pretty well handled when DH is super busy or traveling. No local family and no nanny.

[Anonymous]

It is rare for a man to stay humble and helpful when he’s a high earner. Do the people telling you this know him well? They are probably just generalizing having known other men who are so selfish and narcissistic. I married a guy who was penniless but became a high earner, and yes, he changed! But if your man is already a high earner and no signs of over-inflated ego or workaholism/perfectionism, then you shouldn’t worry. Think about whether you’re okay with a strict pre-nup, and try to maintain your financial independence.

[Anonymous]

I mean, my DH is a very average earner and I still work and do everything with the house and kids so.. I'd trade..

[Anonymous]

No, you should marry someone with a low income and struggle to pay off student loan debts, buy a house, and afford daycare. This way, you both can work your low-paying jobs and barely get by. At least he’ll have extra time from working a 35 hour a week job to change diapers and make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in your 2-bedroom apartment, right?

[Anonymous]

Most high earners need to marry a sahm or a person with a flexible job. I have 3 kids and two high earners just wouldn’t work (unless we’re taking millions and you have a nanny + housekeeper). At least once a month I’m called from one of their schools or daycares that they’re sick and I need to pickup in 15 min. A lot of people cannot drop important client meetings or surgeries like that. Or they are completely unreachable (my dh). Amongst dhs coworkers, most are married to low earning but still jobs that we get a lot of personal enjoyment and success at. Like Feds, teachers, NGOs.

That’s not to say that high earners make bad husbands. Dh is home every single night for dinner with us, he coaches sports and he takes all the kids to school (I work 6-2:30).

The best advice I’ve heard recently was not to marry a man who wants a wife and babies. Marry a man who wants to be a husband and a father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most men are not super great husbands and hands-on dads. You will end up doing 70%+ of the work regardless of
his income. So, might as well marry one who earns more money.

Yes, there are exceptions. But not a lot.

This. You would be an idiot not to marry this guy.

[Anonymous]

How about, do not marry a man if you think men suck.