Brother and SIL's parenting bordering or actual abuse

[Anonymous]

OP, are you prepared to take the children if CPS removes them for their parent’s home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you prepared to take the children if CPS removes them for their parent’s home?

OP may or may not. It is not OP's job to be clean up crew for a mess that her siblings have created. If OP is able to do so, I'm sure she will. But if she has solid reason that she is unable to do so, then she won't.

Just bc OP's siblings don't understand their limits does not mean OP should stretch her limits either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean by a real relationship with their kids? Their kids are 3 and 5.

What authorities told them not to spank?

I don’t spank my children but your way of describing this is very weird.

I mean like they don't seem like they love their kids or that they don't seem to see their kids as unique people with their own personalities and strengths challenges etc. I'm not sure how to describe it.

The people who assessed the child and the teachers/principal of the school both told them that spanking is very detrimental.

My dad used to whail on my brother and I think he's doing that and it is a little triggering for me to know that he is repeating all of that.

Unless you suspect actual physical abuse, stay out of it.

Hard, repeated, angry spanking *IS* physical abuse. It's contraindicated for all children, but especially those who are developmentally delayed (which is what ADHD is, really. A 30% delay in executive function). OP, it sounds like you need to grow a pair. Unless you suddenly think that this sort of spanking isn't abuse, in which case, yes, I guess mind your own business and stop trying to moralize with your "better" parenting techniques. Stand up for a clear boundary, or shut up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you prepared to take the children if CPS removes them for their parent’s home?

OP may or may not. It is not OP's job to be clean up crew for a mess that her siblings have created. If OP is able to do so, I'm sure she will. But if she has solid reason that she is unable to do so, then she won't.

Just bc OP's siblings don't understand their limits does not mean OP should stretch her limits either.

If she is not willing to step in and care for her niece and nephew, then she must not be too concerned about their well-being.

I'm yet to see what "mess they created" by parenting differently than OP does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean by a real relationship with their kids? Their kids are 3 and 5.

What authorities told them not to spank?

I don’t spank my children but your way of describing this is very weird.

I mean like they don't seem like they love their kids or that they don't seem to see their kids as unique people with their own personalities and strengths challenges etc. I'm not sure how to describe it.

The people who assessed the child and the teachers/principal of the school both told them that spanking is very detrimental.

My dad used to whail on my brother and I think he's doing that and it is a little triggering for me to know that he is repeating all of that.

Unless you suspect actual physical abuse, stay out of it.

Hard, repeated, angry spanking *IS* physical abuse. It's contraindicated for all children, but especially those who are developmentally delayed (which is what ADHD is, really. A 30% delay in executive function). OP, it sounds like you need to grow a pair. Unless you suddenly think that this sort of spanking isn't abuse, in which case, yes, I guess mind your own business and stop trying to moralize with your "better" parenting techniques. Stand up for a clear boundary, or shut up.

It depends on a lot of things. Spanking, while you might disagree with it, in most cases, is not physical abuse.

[Anonymous]

Offer help- Regular, weekly babysitting breaks for the parents. Develop good relationships with the kids. You can then try the parenting techniques you think will work and if they do, the parents will see that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you prepared to take the children if CPS removes them for their parent’s home?

OP may or may not. It is not OP's job to be clean up crew for a mess that her siblings have created. If OP is able to do so, I'm sure she will. But if she has solid reason that she is unable to do so, then she won't.

Just bc OP's siblings don't understand their limits does not mean OP should stretch her limits either.

If she is not willing to step in and care for her niece and nephew, then she must not be too concerned about their well-being.

I'm yet to see what "mess they created" by parenting differently than OP does.

Physical abuse. Just because someone can identify when things are not right does not mean they have to be THE solution. SOme others may be better prepared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you prepared to take the children if CPS removes them for their parent’s home?

OP may or may not. It is not OP's job to be clean up crew for a mess that her siblings have created. If OP is able to do so, I'm sure she will. But if she has solid reason that she is unable to do so, then she won't.

Just bc OP's siblings don't understand their limits does not mean OP should stretch her limits either.

If she is not willing to step in and care for her niece and nephew, then she must not be too concerned about their well-being.

I'm yet to see what "mess they created" by parenting differently than OP does.

Physical abuse. Just because someone can identify when things are not right does not mean they have to be THE solution. SOme others may be better prepared.

Yeah, the lovely foster system they would be going into.

Put up or shut up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you prepared to take the children if CPS removes them for their parent’s home?

OP may or may not. It is not OP's job to be clean up crew for a mess that her siblings have created. If OP is able to do so, I'm sure she will. But if she has solid reason that she is unable to do so, then she won't.

Just bc OP's siblings don't understand their limits does not mean OP should stretch her limits either.

If she is not willing to step in and care for her niece and nephew, then she must not be too concerned about their well-being.

I'm yet to see what "mess they created" by parenting differently than OP does.

Physical abuse. Just because someone can identify when things are not right does not mean they have to be THE solution. SOme others may be better prepared.

Yeah, the lovely foster system they would be going into.

Put up or shut up.

As if abusive parents are any better

[Anonymous]

Honestly, you have no idea what it's like to parent multiple young kids with special needs. It's incredibly hard.

It's very seldom better for them to be put in the care of foster parents who will show them even less empathy and understanding.

I agree with others who have posted that the best thing you can do is take them one on one and try to build relationships with them.

It completely and utterly normal for a parent of kids that age to have to take a break from a phone call to handle situations. If you are even the slightest bit alarmed or surprised by this then you are clearly not one to judge.

So, again, as an aunt to these children, try to be a solid adult presence in their lives. Build relationships with them. Pay for camps you think would be helpful. Maybe even take a class on how to parent kids of this age with these disabilities so that you can find a way to have more knowledge and compassion. Because you're clearly lacking in both right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I feel you so much OP. My sister has kids slightly younger and who probably have ASD and/or ADHD. She won’t let them be tested. She and her husband are divorcing and she’s being a terrible parent. She spanked one of the kids for saying she should quit telling lies when my sister was saying horrible things about their father.

I live far away. I can’t offer to babysit. All I can do is be a shoulder to cry on. It sucks. In my case, at least if my sister is deemed bad enough to lose custody, their father is loving and competent and would have more time with them. In your case the parents are a team so if they’re not able to parent the kids wind up in foster care. Sometimes that works out ok. I’d stick with the devil I know. Of course if you’re willing and able to take the kids if their parents are deemed unfit, that could be better, but take on that fight and lose and the kids lose you as an ally. You know their parents won’t keep you in their lives if they feel threatened by you.

People like bold talk about reporting abusive parents, but often it just makes parents angrier and doesn’t really help the kids. Sometimes the best you can do is have your own relationship with the kids, prove yourself trustworthy to them, and be a soft place to land if they need it.

I know you live far away, but try to visit now and then and take the kids so the mom can get some respite. You see how hard it is, so please try to help out how you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you prepared to take the children if CPS removes them for their parent’s home?

OP may or may not. It is not OP's job to be clean up crew for a mess that her siblings have created. If OP is able to do so, I'm sure she will. But if she has solid reason that she is unable to do so, then she won't.

Just bc OP's siblings don't understand their limits does not mean OP should stretch her limits either.

If she is not willing to step in and care for her niece and nephew, then she must not be too concerned about their well-being.

I'm yet to see what "mess they created" by parenting differently than OP does.

Physical abuse. Just because someone can identify when things are not right does not mean they have to be THE solution. SOme others may be better prepared.

Yeah, the lovely foster system they would be going into.

Put up or shut up.

As if abusive parents are any better

Well if OP is that worried she will call CPS and find out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean by a real relationship with their kids? Their kids are 3 and 5.

What authorities told them not to spank?

I don’t spank my children but your way of describing this is very weird.

I mean like they don't seem like they love their kids or that they don't seem to see their kids as unique people with their own personalities and strengths challenges etc. I'm not sure how to describe it.

The people who assessed the child and the teachers/principal of the school both told them that spanking is very detrimental.

My dad used to whail on my brother and I think he's doing that and it is a little triggering for me to know that he is repeating all of that.

Unless you suspect actual physical abuse, stay out of it.

Hard, repeated, angry spanking *IS* physical abuse. It's contraindicated for all children, but especially those who are developmentally delayed (which is what ADHD is, really. A 30% delay in executive function). OP, it sounds like you need to grow a pair. Unless you suddenly think that this sort of spanking isn't abuse, in which case, yes, I guess mind your own business and stop trying to moralize with your "better" parenting techniques. Stand up for a clear boundary, or shut up.

It depends on a lot of things. Spanking, while you might disagree with it, in most cases, is not physical abuse.

You can of course have your opinion. The science and literature on this is pretty clear. Spanking is hitting. Hitting is physical abuse. Spanking, if not "abuse" itself, is strongly predictive of something that slides over the line to physical abuse, and it is proven to increase negative outcomes across various measures. To the extent there is a line one could stay on the "non-physical-abuse" side of, it doesn't sound like OP's family is doing so. Hard, repeated, aggressive hitting is hard, repeated, aggressive hitting. You can't call all forms of hitting mere "spanking" and dodge the fact that it's abuse. There are some manifestations of spanking that can be reasonably characterized as falling on an acceptable side of a line on the slippery slope, but at best it's a slippery slope. And angry, harsh, repeated, aggressive use of hitting does not sound like it's avoiding the slide. At all.

[Anonymous]

What authorities?…
This is child abused and you are complicit by standing by and doing nothing.

I don’t car3 what their religion is that’s an excuse this is wrong period and you are horrible for not reporting them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean by a real relationship with their kids? Their kids are 3 and 5.

What authorities told them not to spank?

I don’t spank my children but your way of describing this is very weird.

I mean like they don't seem like they love their kids or that they don't seem to see their kids as unique people with their own personalities and strengths challenges etc. I'm not sure how to describe it.

The people who assessed the child and the teachers/principal of the school both told them that spanking is very detrimental.

My dad used to whail on my brother and I think he's doing that and it is a little triggering for me to know that he is repeating all of that.

Unless you suspect actual physical abuse, stay out of it.

Hard, repeated, angry spanking *IS* physical abuse. It's contraindicated for all children, but especially those who are developmentally delayed (which is what ADHD is, really. A 30% delay in executive function). OP, it sounds like you need to grow a pair. Unless you suddenly think that this sort of spanking isn't abuse, in which case, yes, I guess mind your own business and stop trying to moralize with your "better" parenting techniques. Stand up for a clear boundary, or shut up.

It depends on a lot of things. Spanking, while you might disagree with it, in most cases, is not physical abuse.

You can of course have your opinion. The science and literature on this is pretty clear. Spanking is hitting. Hitting is physical abuse. Spanking, if not "abuse" itself, is strongly predictive of something that slides over the line to physical abuse, and it is proven to increase negative outcomes across various measures. To the extent there is a line one could stay on the "non-physical-abuse" side of, it doesn't sound like OP's family is doing so. Hard, repeated, aggressive hitting is hard, repeated, aggressive hitting. You can't call all forms of hitting mere "spanking" and dodge the fact that it's abuse. There are some manifestations of spanking that can be reasonably characterized as falling on an acceptable side of a line on the slippery slope, but at best it's a slippery slope. And angry, harsh, repeated, aggressive use of hitting does not sound like it's avoiding the slide. At all.

There's a reason no other developed nation allows spanking. I can't believe the harpies descending to attack OP who wants to help these kids, and excuse parents hitting small children including one with significant disabilities. Just disgusting. Parenting is very difficult and special needs can present extradorniray challenge. And that's when you ask for help. The answer in not hitting your child.