Brother and SIL's parenting bordering or actual abuse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents are permitted to spank kids so there’s really not much you can do about it unless you’re going to call CPS—and good luck with that because what you’ve described sounds awful but isn’t going to result in any action by CPS.

You sound judgy, TBH. It’s easy for you to have opinions about the way they are raising their kids but you don't live in that house and you said yourself you don't see them often. Offer to take the kids for a weekend or a week in the summer if you’re worried. Let them stay with you as often as possible so that they can experience how other families interact. But you aren’t going to change your brother or your SIL.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, some PEP classes are held at a church in Maryland. I drove 90 minutes round trip to get there and it was worth it. If you are in that neck of the woods and close enough to provide childcare while they both attend classes, that would be a huge help. If only one parent goes, it puts one in the position of explaining it to the other.

One reason I suggested ABA earlier is because it includes in-home parent training. The situation you described sounds really intense, but I’m not sure CPS will do anything. I called them about a neglect issue and they said they couldn’t do anything. I’m not telling you not to call, but I’m saying you need to do other things to help as well.

I second PEP. Their classes are mostly online now, so they're much easier to attend.

[Anonymous]

Well aren't you a judgmental little wench!

[Anonymous]

I dint have an answer but I am the one who asked about APS. I could have write your post 15 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well aren't you a judgmental little wench!

Nothing like having a self-important, judgy sibling without special needs children question your parenting when you are struggling! OP thinks she knows a lot even though she hardly sees them. Hopefully her brother gets wise to what a backstabber she is.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand. You said they go nowhere because the kids are too much and then the next post you said they spend so much money on traveling. Well, which one is it? I also don’t understand how the teachers and principal both said not to spank. How would they even know? They are mandated reporters. They have to legally tell CPS that the kids are being spanked. It is not up to the teachers or principal to determine if it’s over the top or not, that is what CPS is for. Sorry but your story sounds fake.

[Anonymous]

The parents are likely undiagnosed ND also and have impulse control issues. The entire family needs help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well aren't you a judgmental little wench!

Nothing like having a self-important, judgy sibling without special needs children question your parenting when you are struggling! OP thinks she knows a lot even though she hardly sees them. Hopefully her brother gets wise to what a backstabber she is.

F%%% the H$$ off. The parents are abusing and neglecting the kids. SOme of you all are telling on yourself. OP, this is likely going to be your siglings response too. Having a SN kid does not give you a license to be neglectful and abusive. When you decide to become a parent, you need to go through the exercise of considering ALL outcomes. This is not dress up doll time. Kids don't exist to give you insta material to get likes.

[Anonymous]

What they don’t tell you is that if you have a kid with AuDHD, it’s likely one of the parents has it too. And if you don’t have a diagnosis, then an undiagnosed AuDHDer thrown into the fire to raise an AuDHD kid is so freaking hard it would break anybody. So the parents may need a lot of help. It’s a long road to be a great parent to a challenging kid unless you happened to be a child psychologist to begin with. Sounds like the parents need a lot of help, but it’s hard to butt into someone else’s family so not sure what to tell you. If you think they’d a

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Well aren't you a judgmental little wench![/quote]

Nothing like having a self-important, judgy sibling without special needs children question your parenting when you are struggling! OP thinks she knows a lot even though she hardly sees them. Hopefully her brother gets wise to what a backstabber she is. [/quote]

F%%% the H$$ off. The parents are abusing and neglecting the kids. SOme of you all are telling on yourself. OP, this is likely going to be your siglings response too. Having a SN kid does not give you a license to be neglectful and abusive. When you decide to become a parent, you need to go through the exercise of considering ALL outcomes. This is not dress up doll time. Kids don't exist to give you insta material to get likes.[/quote]

Simmer down. She admits she hardly sees them. There are a lot of inconsistencies to her story so don't be surprised if she is one of our prolific family relationship trolls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's because the parents also have mental health disorders. This what abuse looks like, OP. Impaired adults attempting to parent impaired children. And by impaired, they could have high IQs, be successful professionals, etc. But they're emotionally stunted and overwhelmed.

My son with ADHD and autism was very difficult when he was younger (and only tolerable in his preteens and teens because he was on meds). We had to completely overhaul our parenting, but there was still a lot of stress in the house, even without yelling or hitting...

If you think your stress is bad, think how badly the members of that household are stressed out.

You need to a come to Jesus moment. Sit them down, tell them they're abusing their kids, and that they need professional help with autism psychologists and therapists, and possibly also meds for ADHD. And that they themselves would benefit from parenting classes for children with special needs, and possibly therapy for themselves as well. That the ultimate goal of parenting is to not add on more trauma, but to raise a child who is relatively functional, with the least amount of conflict.

This is what I've been thinking of doing. That they are harming and need help. They know I did a lot of therapy myself, they agree that our parents did a lot of damage, but they are also practicing pretty extreme religion that believes non-Christian psychologists are dangerous to their faith.

Thanks for how you've worded this I appreciate it.

I would 100% do this sit down, but I'd also expect them to be defensive and retreat into their religious beliefs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well aren't you a judgmental little wench!

Nothing like having a self-important, judgy sibling without special needs children question your parenting when you are struggling! OP thinks she knows a lot even though she hardly sees them. Hopefully her brother gets wise to what a backstabber she is.

OP is a loving aunt trying to help the children, look in the mirror.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Brother is 40, SIL is 33. Kids are 3 (typical) and 5 almost 6 (mild autism and adhd).

I don't know when to continue saying something, when to cut ties, when to try to contact someone else.

They use spanking but at very high frequency and with a lot of anger. They take away comfort objects (favorite stuffed animal/lovey, favorite blanket) as punishment.

They have no real relationship woth their kids and things are just completely wild over there. Like SIL FaceTimed me the other day and she had to put the phone down three times because the kids are going at each other or acting extremely threatened about everything. SIL said this is what it's always like.

They know I'm against spanking and it's not okay in my house (it's important to me that kids feel safe here). They know I used a lot of trust and relationship/respect to parent my kids. They seem like they don't really care about their children as autonomous people nor that ideally parents should be teaching their kids all sorts of things.

I've tried making a few suggestions but without a relationship with your kids cooperation and listening is a much harder battle.

Thoughts? Seeing what's happening there stresses me but I feel obligated to my niece and nephew in a way that just distancing from them further feels tough. We don't see them a lot. They say they don't go very many places because it's so hard because of their kids behavior.

FWIW my niece with mild autism does fine at school and the authorities have told brother & SIL NOT to spank her as that's really detrimental especially in niece's case.

What “authorities”?

[Anonymous]

As someone who had to parent a highly intelligent autistic child I would have loved in house ABA training. Can you pay for once a week for the next 10 years? That would be amazing. Just say that you know they have a hard time and you'd love to help out. In the house would be easiest and will help most with the home issues. Maybe eventually it could be covered under insurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well aren't you a judgmental little wench!

Nothing like having a self-important, judgy sibling without special needs children question your parenting when you are struggling! OP thinks she knows a lot even though she hardly sees them. Hopefully her brother gets wise to what a backstabber she is.

F%%% the H$$ off. The parents are abusing and neglecting the kids. SOme of you all are telling on yourself. OP, this is likely going to be your siglings response too. Having a SN kid does not give you a license to be neglectful and abusive. When you decide to become a parent, you need to go through the exercise of considering ALL outcomes. This is not dress up doll time. Kids don't exist to give you insta material to get likes.

You have no idea what they are and aren’t doing. Mostly what op is described is spanking and “they just don’t love their kids the way OP loves hers.” So yes, she is a judgement wench and so are you. You have no proof. If OP does she needs to call CPS.