Hoping to die before I get old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to focus more on what infirmity you’re trying to avoid rather than what age. My mom is 82 and flies all over the country alone to see her grandkids and takes guided tours abroad by herself. She’s in great health and living it up.

Not OP but trying to gain better understanding of truly independent elderly people.
Do you ever feel like your mom depends on you in any way, be it emotionally or in terms of competence? Like she needs help sorting out financial things?
My 80 yo father is more or less ok physically but he needs my help managing anything that’s beyond his everyday tasks, and even some of those. It is honestly extremely daunting. My friends’ parents are even worse as they are also less healthy and more demanding usually.

My dad is 83. He’s a college professor and he’s still teaching a class, driving to work, etc. He’s still living life the same way he’s always lived, and honestly helps me more than I help him.

My ILs are 82 and 83 and still travelling all over the country alone. My FIL would still be working if they didn't make him retire at 70.

My parents on the other had, who are the exact same age, can't function without daily help. They also do very little if any activity. They are both in similar health physically but not mentally It's astounding what a difference keeping active makes.

[Anonymous]

It’s not a specific age you are after, but rather when the end comes, it comes quickly.

My parents died at 87 and 93 and were basically fine until they weren’t. Died within 10 days of getting sick.

The big issues we have are over dementia and Alzheimer’s. Turns out all the old people grumbling over bike helmets, sports head injuries (you got your bell rung…now get back on the field), etc. are now suffering from very high rates of dementia and near-CTE.

Now when anyone tells me of a parent that is in a home for years with dementia, I ask about the sports they played growing up or other lifestyle activities. It’s a fairly strong correlation.

[Anonymous]

I’m 60 and took care of both of my parents until they died (99 and 89). It was stressful and I definitely don’t want to do that to my kids.

[Anonymous]

Now when anyone tells me of a parent that is in a home for years with dementia, I ask about the sports they played growing up or other lifestyle activities. It’s a fairly strong correlation.

Unfortunately plenty of people get dementia who do not engage in risky behavior or poor health habits. My mom is one of them. Super clean eater, exercised moderately, always a healthy bmi, very little alcohol, no drugs, very few prescription drugs (although PPIs may have played a role), intellectually active, etc, etc. No sports/etc. Still got dementia. My MIL drank 1-2 every night, smoked until ae 75, never exercised, ate what she felt like (mostly sweets after age 80), and died at 95 from complicatons from a UTI but mentally sound to the very end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Now when anyone tells me of a parent that is in a home for years with dementia, I ask about the sports they played growing up or other lifestyle activities. It’s a fairly strong correlation.

Unfortunately plenty of people get dementia who do not engage in risky behavior or poor health habits. My mom is one of them. Super clean eater, exercised moderately, always a healthy bmi, very little alcohol, no drugs, very few prescription drugs (although PPIs may have played a role), intellectually active, etc, etc. No sports/etc. Still got dementia. My MIL drank 1-2 every night, smoked until ae 75, never exercised, ate what she felt like (mostly sweets after age 80), and died at 95 from complicatons from a UTI but mentally sound to the very end.

I hear you, but both my own father and FIL suffered dementia at the end (as well as anxiety and other problems when younger) and both played football in the 40s and 50s when you just kept playing even with multiple concussions. It's uncanny when you read about pro players that died of CTE and then reflect on your own family...because they stopped playing much earlier they didn't go completely insane at 50...but so much of their progression is similar.

I guess the way to look at it...nearly everyone who participated in risky sports/activities during the "good old days" ends up with dementia and other problems when elderly, even though their family had no history. Of course, there are others who had bad luck too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you make it past 65 and arent dead if a heart attack, stroke or aneurism, chances are you'll be fine into your very early 80s. That's when I've seen older folks fall apart health-wise. However, I have a great uncle who lived until 98, and while he had slowed down a little (didn't drive at night for example), his mind was sharp and his body slow, but very able and capable.

+1 my parents were very active in their 70s. Traveling a lot and in between very involved in helping my sister with her kids. Mom's health took a downturn around 80 and she died at 83. Dad is now 85 and having trouble with mobility and starting to have memory loss. He's generally a happy person and it helps that he lives with my sister. But he also is clear on limiting medical interventions and has a healthcare directive specific to that, and my sister is a nurse very familiar with end of life care. I think this is the biggest thing - if you don't want to prolong life after 80ish, not doing heavy intervention on pneumonia or another kind of infection is likely the quickest path. It was touch and go with dad last year when he was hospitalized with pneumonia. He was clear on no intubation, only antibiotics and comfort care. He did recover but the next time could be the last. He's ok with that and we will respect his wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you make it past 65 and arent dead if a heart attack, stroke or aneurism, chances are you'll be fine into your very early 80s. That's when I've seen older folks fall apart health-wise. However, I have a great uncle who lived until 98, and while he had slowed down a little (didn't drive at night for example), his mind was sharp and his body slow, but very able and capable.

What do relatively healthy 80 year olds die from?

My dad was still playing squash at 80. At 84 he was diagnosed with a brain tumor and died at 85. My grandfather was playing tennis in his 80s and golf in his 90s, then got leukemia and died at 93.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is mid seventies and walks about ten miles a week. Her secret is gentle exercise and weight training forever.

Mid 70s is the new 50.

[Anonymous]

OP how old are you? I'd like to know so I can see if my own children feel this way about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP how old are you? I'd like to know so I can see if my own children feel this way about me.

If you have to ask here, they most likely do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how old are you? I'd like to know so I can see if my own children feel this way about me.

If you have to ask here, they most likely do.

Truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to focus more on what infirmity you’re trying to avoid rather than what age. My mom is 82 and flies all over the country alone to see her grandkids and takes guided tours abroad by herself. She’s in great health and living it up.

Not OP but trying to gain better understanding of truly independent elderly people.
Do you ever feel like your mom depends on you in any way, be it emotionally or in terms of competence? Like she needs help sorting out financial things?
My 80 yo father is more or less ok physically but he needs my help managing anything that’s beyond his everyday tasks, and even some of those. It is honestly extremely daunting. My friends’ parents are even worse as they are also less healthy and more demanding usually.

My parents are 79 and 81. They live together in their own home and walk the dog 3x/day. My dad has had 2 hips and 1 knee replaced, but drives to the gym 3x/week where he lifts weights and walks on the treadmill. Last summer, he (stubbornly and stupidly) insisted on painting the outside of their house. It's one-story, but still! So terrible. But he was capable of doing it all himself--moving he ladder and climbing it and standing up there painting, then climbing down, moving the ladder, and up again. It took him longer than it would have 20 years ago, but he did it. (I told my mom that if he fell, she should go out there with a shovel and finish him off, and I was only half joking.) He used the snowblower to clear their driveway several times this winter. He is also a voracious reader of all kinds of literature and history. He does the NYT crossword every morning. My mom has congestive heart failure and ovarian cancer. But both are well controlled (over the past year her CT scans have showed no evidence of cancer). She also still drives, and goes to the gym 3x/week where she mostly walks on the treadmill. She was concerned about her flagging core/glute strength, so she's now working with a PT on strengthening, and it's making a difference. She gardens, belongs to a bookclub, and gets together with a group of friends to play cards every month. She plays online scrabble with her sister. She manages their many medications and doctors appointments and pays their bills and does their taxes. In May, they are planning to drive 400 miles (over 2 days) to attend a grandchild's college graduation. In August, they will drive 100 miles for their annual week with friends on a lake.

Limitations: my mom can't walk up hills or stairs without getting winded. She has some neuropathy in her fingers and toes from the chemo she was on. My dad's hearing isn't great and sometimes he seems a little less sharp than he used to be. And when he had surgery last year, I went up to stay with them because the hospital is 45 miles from their home and I didn't want my mother to have to drive up and back (at night) by herself several days in a row. So they aren't 100% independent. But this hardly seems notable to me.

My ILs died at age 95 and 100. They lived together in their own home, without outside support, until their late 80s. Then a slow decline. My MIL's last several years were dismal. So I know what's likely coming with my parents. But I am grateful for what they have now.

75 doesn't seem that old to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who needs to blow their brains out? That’s what the desert sun is made for! Do you know have many accidental dehydration deaths occur?? This is my plan anyways. And give it up people, 78 is old, maybe not too old but old.

I have a similar fantasy, but mine is to wait until a cold snap, get drunk, and then lay out on my porch and let hypothermia take me.

That sounds peaceful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to focus more on what infirmity you’re trying to avoid rather than what age. My mom is 82 and flies all over the country alone to see her grandkids and takes guided tours abroad by herself. She’s in great health and living it up.

Not OP but trying to gain better understanding of truly independent elderly people.
Do you ever feel like your mom depends on you in any way, be it emotionally or in terms of competence? Like she needs help sorting out financial things?
My 80 yo father is more or less ok physically but he needs my help managing anything that’s beyond his everyday tasks, and even some of those. It is honestly extremely daunting. My friends’ parents are even worse as they are also less healthy and more demanding usually.

My parents are 79 and 81. They live together in their own home and walk the dog 3x/day. My dad has had 2 hips and 1 knee replaced, but drives to the gym 3x/week where he lifts weights and walks on the treadmill. Last summer, he (stubbornly and stupidly) insisted on painting the outside of their house. It's one-story, but still! So terrible. But he was capable of doing it all himself--moving he ladder and climbing it and standing up there painting, then climbing down, moving the ladder, and up again. It took him longer than it would have 20 years ago, but he did it. (I told my mom that if he fell, she should go out there with a shovel and finish him off, and I was only half joking.) He used the snowblower to clear their driveway several times this winter. He is also a voracious reader of all kinds of literature and history. He does the NYT crossword every morning. My mom has congestive heart failure and ovarian cancer. But both are well controlled (over the past year her CT scans have showed no evidence of cancer). She also still drives, and goes to the gym 3x/week where she mostly walks on the treadmill. She was concerned about her flagging core/glute strength, so she's now working with a PT on strengthening, and it's making a difference. She gardens, belongs to a bookclub, and gets together with a group of friends to play cards every month. She plays online scrabble with her sister. She manages their many medications and doctors appointments and pays their bills and does their taxes. In May, they are planning to drive 400 miles (over 2 days) to attend a grandchild's college graduation. In August, they will drive 100 miles for their annual week with friends on a lake.

Limitations: my mom can't walk up hills or stairs without getting winded. She has some neuropathy in her fingers and toes from the chemo she was on. My dad's hearing isn't great and sometimes he seems a little less sharp than he used to be. And when he had surgery last year, I went up to stay with them because the hospital is 45 miles from their home and I didn't want my mother to have to drive up and back (at night) by herself several days in a row. So they aren't 100% independent. But this hardly seems notable to me.

My ILs died at age 95 and 100. They lived together in their own home, without outside support, until their late 80s. Then a slow decline. My MIL's last several years were dismal. So I know what's likely coming with my parents. But I am grateful for what they have now.

75 doesn't seem that old to me.

I don’t consider driving anywhere to be a sign of youthfulness or vitality.

Fact is most parents drive well past the age they should because they refuse to hand over the keys…not because it’s a display of good health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Now when anyone tells me of a parent that is in a home for years with dementia, I ask about the sports they played growing up or other lifestyle activities. It’s a fairly strong correlation.

Unfortunately plenty of people get dementia who do not engage in risky behavior or poor health habits. My mom is one of them. Super clean eater, exercised moderately, always a healthy bmi, very little alcohol, no drugs, very few prescription drugs (although PPIs may have played a role), intellectually active, etc, etc. No sports/etc. Still got dementia. My MIL drank 1-2 every night, smoked until ae 75, never exercised, ate what she felt like (mostly sweets after age 80), and died at 95 from complicatons from a UTI but mentally sound to the very end.

Same exact thing here. Alcohol-depdendent, eating disordered, never exercised a day in her life MIL going strong mentally at 86, while my mother, who never drank, stayed active--but nothing contact-related, just tennis, never smoked, got dementia at 85. Her body, sadly, fit and healthy. That's the way I do not want to live. I read in his obit the other day that the founder of the Leap Pad went to Zurich and ended his life at 72 after an Alzheimer's diagnosis. I will do the same thing if that time comes for me.