Boyfriend lied to me..forgive or break up?

[Anonymous]

My XH lied at the beginning, he was a huge manipulator and stupid me was too young and naive.

[Anonymous]

My gf lied to me on first date that she is divorced but she was only separated. How big of a deal do you think it is?

[Anonymous]

So, he is broke but lied?

[Anonymous]

Have you been 100% always truthful, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My gf lied to me on first date that she is divorced but she was only separated. How big of a deal do you think it is?

Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much debt he has and how much he said he had?

+1
This is a red flag 100% but how much are we talking here?

[Anonymous]

Ask yourself why do you want a liar OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself why do you want a liar OP?

Right? How desperate do you have to be? No other options to date except liars?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found out my boyfriend lied to me about his finances when we first started dating. He made it appear that he was more financially secure than he actually is. I was 100% honest about my finances. He told me he was intimated by how financially well I was doing and didn’t want to lose our relationship so he lied. I’m very upset he lied and I’m questioning if I should forgive or if it’s a deal breaker.

i assume you are both in your 20s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Insist that he run his credit report with all three bureaus and share the results with you. Before you can make a decision you need to see the depths of his dishonesty. Does he have $3000k in credit card debt or $30k? Does his report show poor payment history?

Does he lean on you to pay for more stuff in your relationship?

God i hope it is only $30k and not $3 million (which is what $3000k would be).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I think this will depend on how much you trust him generally and whether this really shakes your trust or whether it's kind of a tangent. Only you can know because it's very relationship specific. My husband did something very similar when we were engaged. He was transitioning career paths while we were dating and was not doing very well financially, which he was honest about. At some point once we got engaged, he got a great job and I thought we were in the clear and eventually got married. I think literally a couple months into our relationship, I found out that he took on a decent chunk of credit card debt (he knew that this was a big no no for me) right before he got the new job. He said he was running low on funds but still wanted to take me out on dates etc so he used the credit card, figuring that he would pay it back once he got a new job. Meanwhile, he didn't tell me because he knew I would be mad and he figured he would just pay it back with his new savings (which he did). I was really pissed and felt like he deceived me, and I had just married him!

Perhaps a lot of women here wouldn't have forgiven him, but I did, and we're still married. I trust his intentions, even if I don't always trust his methods. I know that I can come off as pretty intense and intimidating when it comes to finances. Anyways, our solution is that I basically control all the finances. That way I see everything coming in and going out. It works for us because clearly he is not great with finances and I prioritize it, so it's my responsibility. You'll have to see if there is a way for you guys to compromise in the future. Your bf's lie shows that he is defensive about his finances (and intimidated as you say). If your earning differences stay consistent, would he ever get comfortable with that? Is he willing to learn from you on buffing up his finances? Would he be willing to put you in charge of finances if you marry?

I trust him besides this. I’ve looked at it all and he doesn’t have any other debt. He had some student loans left that he has since paid off. He really stepped up on saving and he’s good now. He doesn’t have any credit card debt and has never had any.

Jesus. Ok! Then forgive the guy and move on already. Why the hell did you post if you were just going to defend him at every turn?

I’m not defending him. I’m answering all the questions.

Your use of the word "lie" seems strong to me. He was trying to impress you and felt pressure because of your superficial emphasis on finances.

[Anonymous]

What gives me pause isn't the lie, it's these two red flags:

1) He needed to be pushed to come clean. The lie wasn't bugging him or eating him up - he just got caught.

2) His explanation for the lie is to basically put it at your feet. "Well, I was intimidated by YOU so I lied."

The flip side of that is "I wouldn't have needed to lie if you weren't so successful."

In both cases he is making his lies into your problem. That's an issue, and one that will only get worse with time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What gives me pause isn't the lie, it's these two red flags:

1) He needed to be pushed to come clean. The lie wasn't bugging him or eating him up - he just got caught.

2) His explanation for the lie is to basically put it at your feet. "Well, I was intimidated by YOU so I lied."

The flip side of that is "I wouldn't have needed to lie if you weren't so successful."

In both cases he is making his lies into your problem. That's an issue, and one that will only get worse with time.

+1
This above. As a much older married woman, please read what the above poster wrote 5 times…..
…If you get married, what will happen when he’s tired of the work coming home with kids and lies about staying late to work?
Or “honey the business trip was 5 days, I swear. I don’t know why my job won’t pay for only 2 hotel nights….it must be a mistake……don’t worry about it.”

[Anonymous]

This type of person lies when it is to their advantage.

Bad character sign.

[Anonymous]

If he lied about this, what else will he/has he lied about? Run, OP.