Boyfriend lied to me..forgive or break up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Insist that he run his credit report with all three bureaus and share the results with you. Before you can make a decision you need to see the depths of his dishonesty. Does he have $3000k in credit card debt or $30k? Does his report show poor payment history?

Does he lean on you to pay for more stuff in your relationship?

No. He paid most of our stuff. I treated occasionally. I always offered but he refused.

Debt was like $5k. He paid that off early in the relationship. Told me he had a bunch in savings but he just topped $100k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he found out early on in dating you that you're doing well financially and he lied so as not to lose his sugar mama? Tracks.

No. I’m not his sugar mama.

[Anonymous]

Don't marry someone you don't trust. No exceptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you find out he lied?

We are talking another next steps in life. He disclosed his finances and it didn’t add up.

Did he fess up right away?
How much did he lie? Not saying in anyway lying is good

If you are asking if this is a red flag yes.

Does he have significant debt? Does he not pay his credit cards off monthly? Does he live above his means?

Those are important if he has any or all of that yes red flag not good.

He had a small debt he has since paid off. He told me he had $100k+ in savings but it’s much lower than that.

Google him.
Look him up on case search if you are in MD.
In VA I think you can as well.
This will help insure no bigger lies out there.

Then you need to decide whether you trust him explicitly.

Still a red flag I would be concerned he lies. That is not a great way for a relationship to start.

I have googled him. He’s clean.

He said he was very intimated by me. I’m younger than him and had my life already so together. He didn’t want me to overlook him because I stressed the importance of dating a man who was financially stable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you financially better off than him? Were you marrying him because you thought he has money?

He makes more than I do but I saved more and made money with some investments.

I didn’t and don’t expect him to have money. It’s very important to marry a man who is good with money. A man that aligns with my views on financially stability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much debt he has and how much he said he had?

He said he had zero. He had like $5k. He didn’t have much in savings but he said he did. He paid that off and saved a lot since dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I think this will depend on how much you trust him generally and whether this really shakes your trust or whether it's kind of a tangent. Only you can know because it's very relationship specific. My husband did something very similar when we were engaged. He was transitioning career paths while we were dating and was not doing very well financially, which he was honest about. At some point once we got engaged, he got a great job and I thought we were in the clear and eventually got married. I think literally a couple months into our relationship, I found out that he took on a decent chunk of credit card debt (he knew that this was a big no no for me) right before he got the new job. He said he was running low on funds but still wanted to take me out on dates etc so he used the credit card, figuring that he would pay it back once he got a new job. Meanwhile, he didn't tell me because he knew I would be mad and he figured he would just pay it back with his new savings (which he did). I was really pissed and felt like he deceived me, and I had just married him!

Perhaps a lot of women here wouldn't have forgiven him, but I did, and we're still married. I trust his intentions, even if I don't always trust his methods. I know that I can come off as pretty intense and intimidating when it comes to finances. Anyways, our solution is that I basically control all the finances. That way I see everything coming in and going out. It works for us because clearly he is not great with finances and I prioritize it, so it's my responsibility. You'll have to see if there is a way for you guys to compromise in the future. Your bf's lie shows that he is defensive about his finances (and intimidated as you say). If your earning differences stay consistent, would he ever get comfortable with that? Is he willing to learn from you on buffing up his finances? Would he be willing to put you in charge of finances if you marry?

I trust him besides this. I’ve looked at it all and he doesn’t have any other debt. He had some student loans left that he has since paid off. He really stepped up on saving and he’s good now. He doesn’t have any credit card debt and has never had any.

[Anonymous]

So the way you keep responding to just about every person makes it clear you have no real interest in breaking up with the guy. You just want permission from a bunch of anonymous people to say that it's OK that you stay. There's also an odd humble brag aura surrounding your posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I think this will depend on how much you trust him generally and whether this really shakes your trust or whether it's kind of a tangent. Only you can know because it's very relationship specific. My husband did something very similar when we were engaged. He was transitioning career paths while we were dating and was not doing very well financially, which he was honest about. At some point once we got engaged, he got a great job and I thought we were in the clear and eventually got married. I think literally a couple months into our relationship, I found out that he took on a decent chunk of credit card debt (he knew that this was a big no no for me) right before he got the new job. He said he was running low on funds but still wanted to take me out on dates etc so he used the credit card, figuring that he would pay it back once he got a new job. Meanwhile, he didn't tell me because he knew I would be mad and he figured he would just pay it back with his new savings (which he did). I was really pissed and felt like he deceived me, and I had just married him!

Perhaps a lot of women here wouldn't have forgiven him, but I did, and we're still married. I trust his intentions, even if I don't always trust his methods. I know that I can come off as pretty intense and intimidating when it comes to finances. Anyways, our solution is that I basically control all the finances. That way I see everything coming in and going out. It works for us because clearly he is not great with finances and I prioritize it, so it's my responsibility. You'll have to see if there is a way for you guys to compromise in the future. Your bf's lie shows that he is defensive about his finances (and intimidated as you say). If your earning differences stay consistent, would he ever get comfortable with that? Is he willing to learn from you on buffing up his finances? Would he be willing to put you in charge of finances if you marry?

I trust him besides this. I’ve looked at it all and he doesn’t have any other debt. He had some student loans left that he has since paid off. He really stepped up on saving and he’s good now. He doesn’t have any credit card debt and has never had any.

Jesus. Ok! Then forgive the guy and move on already. Why the hell did you post if you were just going to defend him at every turn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the way you keep responding to just about every person makes it clear you have no real interest in breaking up with the guy. You just want permission from a bunch of anonymous people to say that it's OK that you stay. There's also an odd humble brag aura surrounding your posts.

This ..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I think this will depend on how much you trust him generally and whether this really shakes your trust or whether it's kind of a tangent. Only you can know because it's very relationship specific. My husband did something very similar when we were engaged. He was transitioning career paths while we were dating and was not doing very well financially, which he was honest about. At some point once we got engaged, he got a great job and I thought we were in the clear and eventually got married. I think literally a couple months into our relationship, I found out that he took on a decent chunk of credit card debt (he knew that this was a big no no for me) right before he got the new job. He said he was running low on funds but still wanted to take me out on dates etc so he used the credit card, figuring that he would pay it back once he got a new job. Meanwhile, he didn't tell me because he knew I would be mad and he figured he would just pay it back with his new savings (which he did). I was really pissed and felt like he deceived me, and I had just married him!

Perhaps a lot of women here wouldn't have forgiven him, but I did, and we're still married. I trust his intentions, even if I don't always trust his methods. I know that I can come off as pretty intense and intimidating when it comes to finances. Anyways, our solution is that I basically control all the finances. That way I see everything coming in and going out. It works for us because clearly he is not great with finances and I prioritize it, so it's my responsibility. You'll have to see if there is a way for you guys to compromise in the future. Your bf's lie shows that he is defensive about his finances (and intimidated as you say). If your earning differences stay consistent, would he ever get comfortable with that? Is he willing to learn from you on buffing up his finances? Would he be willing to put you in charge of finances if you marry?

I trust him besides this. I’ve looked at it all and he doesn’t have any other debt. He had some student loans left that he has since paid off. He really stepped up on saving and he’s good now. He doesn’t have any credit card debt and has never had any.

Jesus. Ok! Then forgive the guy and move on already. Why the hell did you post if you were just going to defend him at every turn?

I’m not defending him. I’m answering all the questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the way you keep responding to just about every person makes it clear you have no real interest in breaking up with the guy. You just want permission from a bunch of anonymous people to say that it's OK that you stay. There's also an odd humble brag aura surrounding your posts.

I don’t know what you mean. I’m just answering the questions. No humble brag. I’m just telling the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I think this will depend on how much you trust him generally and whether this really shakes your trust or whether it's kind of a tangent. Only you can know because it's very relationship specific. My husband did something very similar when we were engaged. He was transitioning career paths while we were dating and was not doing very well financially, which he was honest about. At some point once we got engaged, he got a great job and I thought we were in the clear and eventually got married. I think literally a couple months into our relationship, I found out that he took on a decent chunk of credit card debt (he knew that this was a big no no for me) right before he got the new job. He said he was running low on funds but still wanted to take me out on dates etc so he used the credit card, figuring that he would pay it back once he got a new job. Meanwhile, he didn't tell me because he knew I would be mad and he figured he would just pay it back with his new savings (which he did). I was really pissed and felt like he deceived me, and I had just married him!

Perhaps a lot of women here wouldn't have forgiven him, but I did, and we're still married. I trust his intentions, even if I don't always trust his methods. I know that I can come off as pretty intense and intimidating when it comes to finances. Anyways, our solution is that I basically control all the finances. That way I see everything coming in and going out. It works for us because clearly he is not great with finances and I prioritize it, so it's my responsibility. You'll have to see if there is a way for you guys to compromise in the future. Your bf's lie shows that he is defensive about his finances (and intimidated as you say). If your earning differences stay consistent, would he ever get comfortable with that? Is he willing to learn from you on buffing up his finances? Would he be willing to put you in charge of finances if you marry?

I trust him besides this. I’ve looked at it all and he doesn’t have any other debt. He had some student loans left that he has since paid off. He really stepped up on saving and he’s good now. He doesn’t have any credit card debt and has never had any.

I’d be totally fine with that. Depending on how early it was in your relationship, a lot of things could have been at play. I’m so private that I was intentionally vague when I started dating my now dh.
I think you should focus on the future and make sure you have the same goals and the means to achieve them.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he didn't want to share all the details with you so early on in the relationship. Pretty personal information. Not that he should have lied, but the situation could have been uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the way you keep responding to just about every person makes it clear you have no real interest in breaking up with the guy. You just want permission from a bunch of anonymous people to say that it's OK that you stay. There's also an odd humble brag aura surrounding your posts.

There’s nothing “humble” about it. I think you mean a “VBA” or “Veiled Brag Alert.”